His Secret Baby

by Jamie Knight

  His eyes were searching mine while looking around the quad for any bystanders who might be looking on to our incognito display. I saw a hint of concern in his eyes as he gently squeezed my hand, holding it in place.

  I knew that now wasn’t the time to tell him anything. In fact, I was starting to wonder if there would ever be a good time to tell him, especially now that the stakes were a lot higher.

  “I know that you have a lot on your mind,” he said. “But you will be okay. Whatever it is, I’m here for you.”

  The words almost tumbled out of my mouth. I wanted to believe that whatever I told him, he could handle. I wanted to unload every fear and worry right there in the quad. I wanted to howl and cry, purging my body of the sadness and anxiety that had been wracking it for weeks.

  But, sitting there, my energy all but gone, I wasn’t sure how I would stand up to another emotional blow. I contented myself with staring down into the fountain, coins littered along the bottom.

  I tossed in a quarter and made a wish.

  I turned my face away from Jace so that he wouldn’t see the tears that silently streamed down my face.

  Chapter 12

  Izzy

  I spent the morning with my head over a toilet bowl, puking my guts up. I can’t remember how many times I ran back and forth between the toilet and my bed.

  I was a nauseous, sweaty mess before I got the bright idea to bring a trash can next to my bed side. I ended up falling asleep and waking up around lunch time with somewhat of an appetite.

  I forced myself to get up and get dressed. I had one destination, and nothing was going to stop me from getting there today.

  I was going to Jace’s office to tell him everything. Between being sick and trying to avoid the conversation that I needed to have with Jace, we hadn’t really seen much of each other.

  But that ended today. All of it ended today.

  And I should tell him about what’s going on! He was part of the reason why things in my life had turned upside down so fast. Why should I be the one walking around with all this pressure? The only real stress that I should have been trying to handle was having to worry about passing a test, not what would happen with my life now that I’m carrying the unborn child of my professor.

  I sped up, walking more determinedly the harder that I thought about it. I was getting excited at the thought of finally being able to have this huge burden lifted from my off my chest.

  As I got closer to his office, I noticed that the door was open and that the lights were on. That was a good sign that he was in his office.

  The closer I got, I more I started to hear a woman’s voice coming from his office. I paused mid-step, almost falling on my face as I try to catch my balance, plastering myself against the wall next to his door so that I could listen without being seen.

  “I know that you already know this, but, based on what I saw the other day, I feel like it needs to be said again. Students are off limits. You run the risk of professional suicide if you keep on down the road that you’re going.”

  “And what road is that, exactly, Belva?” came Jace’s voice, riddled with irritation.

  “I really don’t want to get into it…”

  “Well, obviously you do!” he bellowed. “You wouldn’t have felt the need to make this special trip to my office if it you didn’t want to ‘get into it’. So, don’t tread softly now. What are you accusing me of?”

  “I’m not accusing you of anything,” she said, her voice taking on a calming nature. “I’m just letting you know, as I have many times before, that your job is to teach the students academia, not play some sort of dating game. Trent says…”

  “Don’t tell me what Trent says,” he said, his voice still raised. “You tell me what Trent says when Trent is standing here. Trent is an amazing man and friend. Don’t use this as your chance to take out your personal frustrations out on Trent.”

  I wondered what he meant by that. I felt like there were so many pieces of the puzzle missing. But, one thing that I heard for sure: this was not the first time that he and Belva had had this conversation.

  And that made me angry. In fact, it made me more than angry. I was livid.

  Here I was thinking that I was special. I had saved my virginity in hopes that my first time would have been special, something that both he and I had never done before. I was fairly certain that he wasn’t a virgin, but I definitely didn’t think that he was having a steady stream of coeds in his bed.

  But it seemed like I was wrong. Maybe he did this with a bunch of different students, or at least had in the past. Thinking that thought made me feel so stupid.

  I felt like an idiot for trusting him, believing that he actually cared about me. And more than that, I felt like a complete moron for getting pregnant by someone who didn’t care, someone who saw me as a game or another notch on his belt.

  I wanted nothing more than to run to my bed and stay there. Forever.

  I stormed off from the office, stomping as I went. I didn’t care who saw or heard. I was hurt. I was angry. And I just wanted to be alone.

  I didn’t even bother texting Jace to tell him that I wouldn’t be working on the internship that night. Screw him. Screw the internship. Screw college.

  I guessed my situation really wasn’t that different from Layla’s. All men would just let us down and hurt us, I supposed.

  I burst into my room when I got there and threw myself on the bed, burying my head in my pillow. The hot tears soaked through the pillow case, making my whole face wet as I lay there, letting them flow like a river.

  I had never felt so low in all my life. I would have laid in bed all night, but a knock at the door made me get up. I shuffled lethargically to the door, assuming that it was Layla coming to check on me.

  I opened the door and saw that to my surprise, it was Jace.

  My heart dropped, and I couldn’t breathe for a few minutes as we stood there face-to-face. He looked angry.

  “Jace… What are you… doing here?” I stammered.

  He pushed past me into the dorm room, sitting at a chair in front of the desk attached to the wall. I couldn’t understand what was going on. I knew it was very risky for him to be here, just showing up at my dorm room like this, after having received the lecture I just overheard.

  “Where the hell have you been?” he demanded, his arms folded across his chest.

  “I… I haven’t been feeling well…” I said, inadvertently clutching at my stomach.

  Once I realized what I was doing, I quickly moved my hand away. I thought that I was ready to tell him, but his showing up here at my dorm room threw me off. I figured that it would be best to see how this played out before unloading the truth on him.

  “Well, what’s wrong with sending me a message to let me know that?” he asked, standing up, his fist closed at his side. “I went through all the work of setting up the experiment and sat waiting for you there like an idiot. Trent, too. So, basically, you just wasted both of our time. Time that we could have been spending on the piles of papers that I’m still going through from Trent being off work.”

  I opened my mouth to reply and no words came out. I broke down in tears.

  It surprised both of us. Jace jumped back, startled. The anger on his face was quickly replaced with a worried look of concern. He rushed over to where I stood, still frozen in front of the door, and wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on top of mine.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said, tenderly. “I didn’t mean to come off as a jerk. I just… it’s not the experiment or pile of papers or any of that. It’s really that… Izzy, I’ve been worried about you. Probably more than I should be worried. I’m worried that you aren’t doing well in school and I can’t help but feel responsible for that. And just in general, I’m worried about if you’re okay. Handling the pressure of being so young on a huge campus. I just… I want you to know that, no matter what, I’m here for you. Okay?”

  I closed my eyes, wrapping my arms
around him tighter. It felt good to be in his arms. I felt safe, protected, loved, like all the stress that I had been dealing with meant nothing. It was like he took it all away. It felt really good.

  But, then, I remembered the comment that I heard Belva make in his office.

  “I’m just letting you know, as I have many times before…”

  I pushed him away from me hard, looking up with him, seething.

  “How dare you?” I demanded, an icy chill in my voice. “It’s all fun and games for you, isn’t it? Find some unsuspecting coed, get her to believe that you actually care about her, and then take her virginity, adding it to the many others that you have had. Well, you know what? I’m sick of it! I’m tired of being one in the long line of women that you entertain. I guess I should have known the truth about you when from the first night that we met. You had me convinced that Kate as just some random date that you had. The truth is that she was probably one of many. Well, take me out of the rotation. I’m not interested in whatever it is you are trying to pull.”

  He took a step toward me, grabbing me by the shoulders, a look of thorough confusion on his face.

  “What are you talking about?” he asked. “I demand an explanation!”

  I looked at him, sure that I would see shame in his eyes, having had his secret discovered. Instead, he looked as lost as I felt.

  “I stopped by your office earlier to talk to you,” I began, choosing my words carefully. “I didn’t come in because I heard you and that lady. Belva? You were talking, and I heard her tell you to be more professional with students, like this is just part of something that you do.”

  I waited for him to deny it. He looked down, like he was trying to recall the conversation.

  “Well, I’m not too sure about what you think you heard,” he explained. “But this is not something that I just… do. And the real reason why Belva even came to talk to me is because when she saw you and I together the last time, she picked up on some tension between us. She said that it bothered her so much that she felt moved to come find me and warn me about the evils of sleeping with a student.”

  He sat back down on my twin bed, making it groan with his weight. Him being there made me realize how small my dorm room really was. There was barely enough room for my small bed, a dresser, the desk, and the chair that sat underneath it.

  I had a sheet up to my window that doubled as a curtain. I had picked it because it was black and kept most of the light out. Sitting there in the dark with Jace made me wonder if maybe I shouldn’t pull the curtains back to let some light in. That way, I could really see his face to see if I believed him.

  Because, honestly, I didn’t. I just kept thinking back on Layla’s words about the professor that she had slept with. I didn’t want to have even more egg on my face than I already did, believing the lies of scumbag.

  “How do I know that you’re telling the truth?” I asked, standing in front of him with my arms folded. It was my turn to get some answers.

  He paused for a minute and slowly looked up, like he was trying to see if I was joking. Then, he shot up, growling so loudly, I almost thought a bear had walked into the room. I jumped back in surprise, pressing my body against the wall.

  “So, you think that I’m lying to you?” he said.

  He was shouting, and I could tell that he didn’t care who heard him.

  “Keep your voice down,” I said, stepping toward him. “It’s just that… I don’t know what to think! Layla got in my head, telling me about a professor that she slept with who ended up being married. And after hearing Belva say what she said, it made me really paranoid.”

  He stood up and took a step toward me, peering down at me comfortingly.

  “Come here,” he said, holding his arms out for me.

  His arms looked like home and felt like heaven. I let myself feel the full force of his embrace and didn’t try to fight it at all. I believed him. I could tell that he was really hurt by the idea that I didn’t believe him, and, for some reason, that made me believe him.

  He stepped back, taking me with him in his arms, toward my bed. He eased down on the bed, sitting me on his lap. He brushed hair from my forehead, putting it behind my ear so that he could get a better view of my face.

  He stared so deeply into my eyes, I was sure that his gaze had penetrated my soul. I was ready and willing to believe and do anything that he wanted me to do.

  “I really care about you,” he whispered soothingly into my ear. “You are not just some girl in a line up of girls, trust me. I would never do that to you. You have to know that.”

  “I do,” I said, hoping that we could just settle this once and for all and make up.

  I really wanted everything to be okay between us. I felt foolish for getting so mad, but I was just trying to protect my heart… and now, my child. Our child.

  He kissed me gently, his juicy lips pressed firmly against mine. My breath quickened as I felt the passion rising between us. He put his head behind my neck and kissed me harder, like my kisses were oxygen to his lungs. Kissing him reminded me how much I had missed him.

  “I missed you so much,” he said, like he had been reading my mind.

  “Me, too,” I admitted.

  He leaned his weight on top of me, pinning me down on the bed. I couldn’t move but, then again, I didn’t want to. I wanted to relish in this moment, him in my bed, something that had never happened before and may never happen again.

  I heard a few beeps and a click. It was the keypad to get into my dorm room. And there was only one person that I had given the code to.

  “Hey,” called Layla, cluelessly, swinging the door open.

  It was almost like everything started to move in slow motion. Layla looked toward us just as Jace righted himself, sitting on the end of the bed. I sat up hurriedly, too.

  “Oh, hey, Layla,” I said, as cheerfully as possible. “I don’t know if you’ve met Jace… I mean, Dr. Rivers. I wasn’t feeling well, so he came down to check on me. Wasn’t that nice of him?”

  Layla pursed her lips and crossed her arms.

  “Yeah, real nice,” she said, her voice snotty.

  I knew she was just trying to be protective of me. But I was annoyed that she had to come and break things up right now, even if it was inadvertent. And probably for the best – since Jace and I really couldn’t risk being seen together in my dorm room by anyone else but her.

  She walked in and sat at the desk. Jace stood up so fast, it sent a breeze in the small room, making my curtain flutter open, letting in a blinding stream of sunlight.

  “Well, I’m glad to see that you’re doing okay,” said Jace, fidgeting awkwardly. “Let me get out of you ladies’ way. Have a good day.”

  He disappeared out the door like the room was on fire.

  I watched him go, wondering when I would see him again. I turned my attention back to Layla. She had a huge, cheesy grin on her face.

  “So, he came to check on you, huh? How was your ‘check up’?”

  She bowled over with laughter, almost falling off the chair that she had been sitting on.

  “Screw you,” I told her, chuckling myself.

  We shared a brief laugh before Layla’s face got really serious, worried looking.

  “So, how did the test go?” she asked, leaning toward me.

  I knew what test she was talking about.

  “Oh, I passed,” I said as nonchalantly as I could, waving my hand as an added gesture to show that it was nothing to worry about.

  Layla looked at me, nodding with her lips pressed into a thin line.

  I could feel the tears welling up, even though I was trying my hardest to keep it all together. Then they started falling in streams. After a few minutes, I was sobbing uncontrollably.

  The tears wracked my whole body, making me curl up into a ball on my bed. I couldn’t have moved even if I wanted to, because I was crying so hard. Layla came over and sat down on my bed, rubbing my hair and patting my back consoling
ly.

  “Let it all out,” she said, her voice very motherly. “I know how it is. I’ve been there. I mean, not this exact situation, of course, but I think if you need to cry, you should cry. Did you talk to Jace about any of it?”

  I pulled my head up, wiping my tears with my sleeve before responding.

  “No,” I said, my voice a higher pitch than I recognized. “I didn’t talk to him about anything, really. Earlier, I went to talk to him about everything and overheard another teacher or someone… I don’t really know who she is… she was telling him that he shouldn’t be involved with coeds and made it seem like this was something that he’s gotten talked to about before. Anyway, we talked about that and that was when you came in. He had been saying that she was only talking about her previous warnings to him about me, not some other student.”

  “I’m sorry for interrupting,” she said, cringing apologetically. “I wish I would have known. Because you really need to have a conversation with him, especially if you’re considering keeping this baby. I mean… are you considering keeping this baby?”

  Layla looked at me, her hand pausing from rubbing my back, waiting for my answer.

  I really didn’t have one. I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I had been so busy thinking about myself, school, and Jace that I hadn’t even considered where or how the life growing inside of me was going to fit into all of this.

  I’m sure that there were plenty of girls in my position who had come across this dilemma and had decided that they shouldn’t keep the baby. And I could completely understand. But, the thought of not having this baby was something that I knew that I wouldn’t be able to do, no matter how hard things might be because of my decision.

  “I can’t kill not have this baby,” I admitted aloud, half to Layla, half to myself. “Not have his baby,” I corrected myself.

  “Well, then, there you have it,” said Layla, patting my back. “You have to tell Jace. It’s only right. And you deserve to have his support. You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.”