The Blake Soul

by I C Camilleri

  He had planned to propose in these idyllic surroundings. But plan A had been thwarted now. He went round and opened her car door, watching her bewildered face as she took in the magic of the place.

  “This should have been your wedding present. But you can still keep it; the property is in your name anyway.” And he pressed the keys in her hand.

  “You bought a house for me!” she exclaimed with tears in her eyes, “I’m really, really sorry.”

  “No, I bought it for us to hopefully enjoy forever, but I can wait for that forever,” and he lifted her in his arms and went inside the house. She hardly saw the rooms as he swept her into the large upstairs bedroom.

  He stood before her. He started to play with her hair, letting the perfect curls slip through his fingers. “Rob liked your black dress, didn’t he?”

  She smiled and nodded.

  “Well, I like it too. I must admit, you do look beautiful tonight. It’s a pity that the black dress will have to go so soon,” and he undid the straps around her neck and slid it down to the floor. “I hate it when Rob looks at you. I hate it when anyone looks at you. I hate having to leave you behind every time I have to go. I love you, Maria and my marriage proposal will remain there on the table until you want to take advantage of it. I just hope that I’m still not waiting in fifty years’ time. Perhaps you will eventually realise that you love me for myself and not for my outer wrapping.”

  She opened her mouth to protest but he closed her lips with his thumb, he did not want any more debates that night. He started to trace his finger over her lips, slowly and lightly. She trembled with pleasure. He took her hand and kissed the inside of her wrist and he could feel her pulse going dangerously fast. She closed her eyes, savouring the moment. Yes right, she can protest till the cows came home, but Josh was convinced that physical attraction was all there was from her end.

  He gently pushed her down onto the enormous bed.

  “I don’t want to stop. I don’t think I can stop. Unless you really really want me to, and if that is the case you must help me out. I cannot do it on my own tonight,” he murmured.

  But she had no intention of stopping.

  ****

  Josh lay back on his pillow. He had been right; sex combined with love was a truly powerful mind-blowing experience. This was the first time he had ever sampled that perfect harmonious blending of the two.

  He propped himself on his elbow and he beamed at her. “I love you, Maria. I always have and I always will.” His intense black eyes searched her face for any signs of regret. But he did not find any.

  Giving Destiny a Helping Hand

  “...I would like to thank my beautiful fiancée who has touched my frozen heart and changed my life. I am a better person because of you Maria. Marry me. Just say yes to my ring... I would also like to thank the producers....” and he looked at her flushed face as he continued with the long list of people he really didn’t want to thank but had to mention anyway.

  Josh returned to his seat with the Oscar in his hand and he kissed her under the full glare of the cameras. Maria was not used to these public displays of affection and she felt very vulnerable and self-conscious. “Whatever made you say that,” she whispered, annoyed to bits.

  “I wanted to take my chances and propose in front of the whole world.” He winked and flashed his smile and he knew that he was forgiven for exposing her to that public life she hated so much.

  He looked at her from a distance at the after-ceremony party. Despite her previous claims that she didn’t fit in, she had taken to the environment like a fish to water. He studied the way people reacted to her soft gentle voice and caring gestures, her light pat on the arm, her bright smile, or the nod of her head as her eyes held a steady gaze, not blinking or flitting, giving her total undivided attention. She listened, a very rare gift found in the very few. And people liked being heard and understood, it made them feel important and worthwhile. He had felt this firsthand himself and she had been his life-changing experience. It was evident to everyone who had known him previously that the cold heartless Josh had thawed into a human being.

  He saw her talking to Uncle Phil. He was probably unloading all his worries about his ailing wife who had recently been diagnosed with bowel cancer. His uncle had truly found his soul mate in Aunt May and the news had absolutely shattered him. Josh felt sorry for him. He had often observed that raw affection between the couple and he greatly envied Freddie for having parents who were still deeply in love after so many years of marriage, and who also doted on their son, the product of that love.

  To be fair, they doted on Josh too, and he could still remember his aunt scolding Freddie about his lack of hospitality, “...poor Josh, no one cares about that miserable boy. It is our duty to make him feel welcome and wanted at least one day a week on Sundays.” That often made him feel like a charity case but he was grateful to his aunt for even trying to make his Sunday a bit brighter.

  And similarly Uncle Phil had also tried to actively participate in his life despite Freddie’s deep resentment towards sharing his father with the unwanted but extremely bright boy. This bitterness was sharpened by the fact that Josh and Phil had the same interests and innate acting talents making Freddie feel unappreciated, which he wasn’t really. Uncle Phil was proud of both boys and their different achievements. Josh saw his uncle’s pride again that night when he won the Oscar. Uncle Phil had been nominated in the same category and, even though he lost the title to his nephew, he still had that same proud look on his face that he had always had after school plays or prize days.

  He saw Freddie join his father. Josh did not like the hungry glances and flirting comments his cousin constantly flung at Maria. Freddie still had an endless list of pretty girls dangling on his arms but he could not resist the chance to undermine his boring cousin and have everything for himself. Josh quickly weaved his way through the crowd and joined them.

  “Ah, here is the man of the moment. You are indeed a lucky soul to have her in your life,” Uncle Phil said as he playfully slapped Josh on the back.

  “I know, I constantly thank my lucky stars.” Josh grinned as he took Maria’s hand and kissed it lightly, his lips lingering for some seconds more than was necessary. He could see that familiar daze in her eyes, his kiss never failed him.

  But Freddie seemed intent on changing the subject and monopolized her with asking endless questions about her cancer research project. Aunt May was in the clinical trial for the new drug Maria had been researching in her lab and which she hoped would halt or greatly slow down cancer cell division. Naturally Freddie would be interested in it. Even though it was all Chinese to Josh, he nonetheless endured it and stuck by her side. He kept thinking of that night when he planned to fly to Yellowstone Park and spend a romantic week there. She had once, in passing, talked about her deep fascination with the place, and Josh had picked on it and organised everything as a surprise. He thought about his “Plan B.” He had seen it in his dreams. It was deceitful and evil. He hated it. But everything was fair in love and war.

  ****

  “You don’t have to unpack, we are going somewhere special and we will leave tonight,” Josh told her when they returned home. Maria had only arrived a couple of hours before the ceremony and had quickly changed into an outfit selected by Rita. She had had no time to unpack. “Rita has put together another bag for everything else you may need for the trip.”

  “You spoil me rotten, you know. Where are we going?”

  “It’s a surprise, you’ll like it. We still have some time left, why don’t you go and take a shower. I have a quick phone call to make and then I can join you and scrub your back.” He kissed her and flashed that impish grin that she liked so much.

  He heard her close the door and turn on the tap. He quickly opened her suitcase. He had no trouble finding her small, brown leather bag; he knew exactly where it was thanks to his dream. He hesitated for a while, he hated doing this but her father had approved of what he was
about to do. In fact he had repeatedly shown him the dream so that he could no longer ignore it. It was a very weird thing for a father to want, but Josh guessed that the old man knew his stubborn daughter well enough.

  He shrugged and took out the sheet of foiled pills. She had told him that she would start taking oral contraceptives after what happened the other night. It was a long discussion on her part but she soon realised that he had no interest in participating. Oral contraceptives could only delay destiny and the church dream. He realised that, however hard he tried, he could never tweak that particular dream and she would never marry him unless she was heavily pregnant. He now had to float along with destiny; he no longer had the energy or the will to fight it.

  So he had to play dirty. He will dispose of next month’s batch of pills too, and the following months as well, he will always find a way even if he had to replace them with placebo pills. His scheming manipulating side had emerged again. He was playing with fire and he might get severely burnt but he had to take that dangerous risk. He wrapped the pills in a paper bag and binned them.

  He stripped down naked and fixed his perfect smile as he opened the shower door and stepped in. He slid his fingers through her long wet curls and drew her closer. He bent down and kissed her as the water flowed over their heads.

  ****

  “Oh Josh, Yellowstone, I have always wanted to come here. You are so thoughtful, I really don’t deserve you.” She had tears in her eyes as she fiercely hugged him.

  “We will be staying in one of those mountain cabins, come on let’s check them out.”

  She went into the bathroom to refresh herself. She smiled as she put on the delicate lacy things Rita had packed for her. They were sexy and elegant. Rita’s tastes were indeed impeccable. She opened her brown leather bag and scowled. She slowly emerged from the bathroom. He was lying on the luxurious circular bed and his eyes widened as he appreciated that perfect touch of seduction. She lingered by the side of the bed.

  “Josh, I’m sorry. I forgot to pack my contraceptive pills. Do you have anything else?”

  “Nope.” He smiled cheekily as he took her hand and jerked her towards him. She fell on top of him, laughing. She was happy here with him. He must have spent ages planning this wild romantic week in the middle of nowhere and she was not about to deflate his dreams.

  Oh well, she thought, I will just have to take that risk, nothing happened last time. She soon forgot her concerns and she let him lead her wherever he wanted.

  ****

  Josh held his youngest daughter in his arms. She was weeping bitterly onto his shirt collar, her long brown curls splayed all over his shoulder. His other three children were clutching his jacket for that tiny bit of comfort. But nothing could erase the pain that was splashed all over their faces.

  He could hear their sobs echoing along the path lined with tall cypress trees, he could smell the freshly laid flowers, but above all he could feel that desperate black limbo engulfing his whole existence. But he had to act yet again. His whole life was just one big performance. This time he had to act for the sake of his children. He had to be strong for them and help them rebuild their life in their empty home.

  He watched as the wooden coffin was lowered. He winced as it scraped the sides and finally found its resting place deep within the cold damp earth. He squeezed his eyes shut and he endured the sound of the earth being piled onto his one true love.

  The sound stopped. Everyone was looking at him. He gathered his children around him as he quickly bent down and placed a single red rose on his wife’s grave...

  .... But then the dream fragmented and his wife was there beside him. He held his youngest daughter in his arms but she was no longer crying. She was happily sucking on her left thumb and tousling his hair with her other hand. His other kids were playing further along the cemetery lane. Maria bent down and placed a single red rose on her parents’ grave.

  No one saw the tall dark-haired man standing by the side of his tombstone. He was happy. He could finally rest in peace....

  Josh woke up with his heart laden with sorrow. Maria was near him, sleeping peacefully with her head on his shoulder and her arm around his waist. How could anyone bear to live their life when they already knew their future, already knew that they would one day lose that one person that really mattered? True, there were also good dreams, times that made all this misery worth it, times that would hurt even more if they never existed.

  He had often wondered whether she would be better off without him in her life. He would do it for her if she would be safe and happy, he would leave her even though it would kill him. But such thoughts were always accompanied by even more intense dreams and her dad would look at him, begging him to accept his destiny. Strangely enough, her father thought that she had better chances of survival if Josh stayed by her side. He had already changed her fate that day in the park and apparently Lady Destiny would continue to try to claim her prize and he would have to keep blocking her way. He could only do that if he married her. His evil manipulating plan would then be justified.

  But the very fact that the dream fragmented and changed was a tiny ray of sunshine in an otherwise dull and misty day. He must have the ability to change the outcome somewhere deep inside him. Her father seemed to believe in him.

  He closed his eyes but the image of his weeping children kept persecuting him. He felt bile rising deep within his stomach. He ran to the bathroom and fell sick.

  She rushed to his side, “What’s wrong, you look ghastly.”

  “It must be something I ate.” He dismissed her helping hand, splashed cold water over his face and staggered back to their bed. He wanted to tell her about the dreams, he hated having secrets but he knew that he should suffer in silence. She was not strong enough to know the truth...and, more importantly, she would think that he was a freaking lunatic.

  “I’ll stay here with you; I don’t have to go tomorrow.” She climbed on the bed next to him, looking down on his tortured face. It was the last day of their vacation, the following morning she would leave for England and he would go to Africa to begin filming the first part of her brother’s book. He wished that she would go with him, she did not have to continue working, but her work was important to her, perhaps more than him.

  “Would you really stay with me?” and he dragged her on top of him and started kissing her as he slipped the straps of her lacy lingerie off her shoulders. The memory of the dream quickly faded away.

  “Oh Josh, you are insatiable, you looked as if you had just entered hell a minute ago and now you are this passionate lover again. You are God’s gift to women.”

  The End Justifies the Means

  Josh put down the phone. He frowned. Something was wrong. Two months had passed and he was still holed out deep in the African jungle, unable to leave the film set. And she was reluctant to visit even though he had begged her to perhaps more than a thousand times. He had compromised and phoned her twice a day, every day, but she seemed to get more distant every time and she would often make stupid excuses to end their conversation which had barely lasted five minutes. Her brother had recently joined the set and Josh told him about his sister’s curt behaviour but Max merely laughed it off and put it down to unpredictable ladies’ mood swings.

  Josh was tempted to use the surveillance camera which was still set up, but after those initial two weeks he had sworn to himself never to use it again. Besides, seeing her on camera was not enough. He really missed holding her. He will have to fly out to see her. His part in the filming had progressed rapidly and they will just have to continue without him for a couple of days. So he impulsively packed a small bag and set off for Cambridge.

  He rang the doorbell. She never gave him a spare key to her apartment even though he had showered her with everything he owned. It was her way of keeping that cautious distance from him. She opened the door and he saw her spring back in alarm. His unexpected visit did not fill her with enthusiastic pleasure as it usually did.
She did not fly into his arms and kiss him wildly. He was instantly aware of how drawn her face was, there were dark circles beneath her eyes and her cheekbones were more prominent than ever. She had lost tons of weight in those two months. She kept staring at him and he looked at her questioningly.

  “Aren’t you going to invite me in?” Then he noticed that she was not alone, Rob was hovering in the lounge. Josh was blinded with rage. He pushed past her and banged the door shut, “So that’s why you have been so curt with me. You’ve been reunited with your first love. You could have had the decency to let me know.”

  She slapped him across his chest, “How dare you, Rob’s here as my doctor.”

  He snorted, “As if I could believe that.” But then he looked at her wasted face and her words sank in, “Why do you need a doctor, what’s wrong with you?”

  Rob walked out into the hallway, “You two should talk.” He opened the door. He hesitated and then turned towards Josh, “She needs hospital admission. I hope that you can persuade her to come in for a couple of days.” And he left.

  “I’m sorry, what was I to think? Why do you need to go to hospital?” Josh put his hands on her shoulders.