The Blake Soul

by I C Camilleri

  She smiled, she was breaking him again. “Your father not only knew of your existence but he practically watched your every step in life. He was there in front of you, before your very nose, seeing you cry and moan over an unknown figure of a father. How many times have you asked him whether he knew who had slept with me nine months before you were born? And how many times did he lie, saying that he didn’t know...”

  Josh was shaking his head now, “No, No, No that’s not possible. You are lying. Uncle Phil would never do this to me. He loved me....”

  “Not enough to embrace you into his heart...and certainly not as much as his legitimate son. He was just fascinated by your superior intellect and the way your mind works, that’s all. You were his secret medal, his toy, his pastime, someone he could enjoy once a week on Sundays and clap to during prize days. It is true Josh, you are Phil’s bastard son.”

  Josh was still shaking his head, but his mother insisted.

  “Have you never looked in the mirror and asked yourself why you look so much like Freddie...and Phil? I just gave you your colouring, Phil gave you the rest. Even you should have realised that. Yes, Josh, May was pregnant with Freddie and hers was a difficult pregnancy from the very start. Poor Phil couldn’t touch her and he needed to let off some steam. I was beautiful, available and highly accommodating...and he...he was the only man I ever loved. We chose the most bizarre places, and the more daring, the greater the fun.”

  “Great,” said Josh bitterly, “so now you’re telling me that I was conceived in some broom cupboard. I really don’t want to know any more details. I’m not that little boy who has no choice but to listen to your mental abuse year in and year out. Why did you have to do that? I hated you for that, mother, and I hate you even more for bringing me into this world.”

  He rose to leave but she held his hand. She will not allow him to have the final words, “That made two of us. I hated you kicking inside me and I hated your cry when you were born. And most of all I despised you for ending our affair. I could no longer hide my bulging belly from Phil. He got scared. He wanted an abortion and I wanted it too. But Julie interfered. So I stalled. I honestly don’t know why I went through that terrible pregnancy and birth…..Julie kept saying that you’ll be worth it in the end...but you weren’t. She said that I’ll start to love you when I’ll hold you in my arms...but I didn’t. Why? Mothers usually love their kids. There must have been something wrong with you.”

  Her son was shrinking back in pain. She coughed and spluttered but she wanted to turn that knife in his heart for one last time. “I never loved you Josh, and that is no secret, but you can’t blame me for bringing you into this world. If you want to hate anyone for that, hate Julie, I wanted that abortion and now you know that your father wanted it too. That was why I asked to see you today. I wanted you to shed off that illusion that your father would have loved you had he known. No Josh, he knew and he never loved you enough to tell you the truth.” She had achieved her aim. This was her final Oscar-winning moment. She smiled as she closed her eyes and slowly faded away in a coma.

  Josh turned to solid hard marble, his heart stopped beating and his face registered no emotion. The grief was too great for tears. His numb brain could not even command his feet to get up and leave. He just sat there huddling his sleeping daughter close to his heart as he wandered in his own mind, oblivious to his surroundings. He knew that Maria was trying to talk to him, but the sound of her voice was distant and indistinct.

  He had been right; his mother had left the most potent poison to the very last seconds of her life. He was that beaten boy again and nothing could help him glue back his self-esteem now. What little he had achieved with Maria’s help had rapidly disintegrated. Maria herself had destroyed it by insisting that he should go through this mental abuse again. How could she say that she truly loved him when she wanted to see him go through so much pain?

  He clearly remembered his Uncle Phil trying to fill his father’s shoes, always there, hovering in the distance, giving his support and showing his pride. And Josh loved and trusted him, trusted him enough to cry on his shoulder when he felt in desperate need of a father. But Josh remembered Phil’s other side too. He remembered him always taking Freddie’s side in any petty argument. Everybody blamed Josh, they would blame him for the setting sun if they could. He was Phil’s charity case, always sharing Freddie’s parents, presents and food. He was made to feel second best and worthless. There were two sides to Phil, a caring uncle who was proud of his achievements and a guilty father who hated his presence.

  He looked up as the door opened. Of course May would come to see her dying sister. She tenderly kissed Josh on his forehead and he knew that this deathbed secret would never be told. He loved Aunt May, with her gentle voice and loving ways. He would never crush her world with what his parents had done behind her back. Then he looked at his uncle...father...and he saw the naked fear in his eyes. Phil sent out a silent plea.

  Josh had to leave. He stood up and walked out without a word. He could hear Maria running behind him, trying to keep up with his long strides. He drove home in silence and tenderly tucked his children to sleep. He was the cold hard moody Josh again. He turned to go up the stairs to his library, but Maria tugged his hand.

  “Please Josh, forgive me. I should never have persuaded you to go. It’s my fault. It’s my mistake. Please don’t turn silent on me. Don’t lock yourself up again. You’re scaring me Josh, tell me that you’ll forgive me,” she pleaded.

  He was that lost unworthy boy again, but he had to be happy with what was kindly given to him. He was not worthy of Maria’s love but he had to be happy with her flimsy physical attraction. He had to be grateful for that, he could not afford to lose that too, and so he softened his facial expression. It was easy for him. He was an actor after all. All she wanted was for him to ease her conscience by forgiving her, she did not care about his pain. He had to give her what she wanted, he always gave her what she wanted, otherwise he would have nothing.

  “I’m not angry with you.” He smiled. “I’ll be fine. I just need to digest this information on my own.”

  There was a loud knock on the door. Josh grimaced, knowing who had come to beg.

  “Josh, I’m sorry. Your mother died just seconds after you left. I told May that I could give you the news.” Phil looked into his son’s eyes and saw the build-up of years of pain.

  “Don’t be sorry, I never cared whether she lived or died. And you can cut the bullshit, Phil. You came because you know that Caris sang like a bird. But you don’t need to worry about your dirty little secret. I won’t tell anyone because I won’t hurt Aunt May, and I’m doing it for her sake, not yours. As far as I’m concerned I still don’t have a father...or an uncle.”

  “You must understand why I never said anything. I love May, the truth would destroy her. You would do the same for Maria.”

  Josh felt his hands shake with anger as he shouted, “If you really loved her you would not have sought out her sister to comfort you through a difficult pregnancy. And I would never ever do to any child what you have done to me, not for anyone’s sake, not even Maria’s. How could you have listened to me crying about my father and said nothing to me? Why...why did you do that to me?”

  “I love you as much as I love Freddie. I have tried to treat you both fairly and I have been present in your life as much as I possibly could, school plays, parent’s days, sports days...name them, I’ve been to all of them.”

  “It was not enough,” he bellowed. “And you really can’t call yourself fair; I was always given leftovers and blamed for making the earth go round. How many times have you hit me for something that you knew Freddie did? When did you ever take my side in an argument? How could you call yourself fair by just attending a few school plays and clapping at my curtain call?” His voice faltered. He had to end this before he completely broke down. “You and I have nothing more to say. You can see yourself out.” Josh turned to go upstairs; no amount of plead
ing will ever erase the pain.

  Phil paused at the door, “Can I still see the twins from time to time? They are my grandchildren and I love those kids.”

  It was true, Phil adored the twins and he would often visit and play with them for hours, and the children in turn looked forward to his visit. Josh could not deny them that, so against his better judgement he nodded.

  “Make sure that you come when I’m not around...of course if Maria agrees.” And he looked at her. She shrugged and Phil left without another word.

  “Are you OK?” she asked softly.

  “It’s not nice knowing that you are nothing but a big mistake, but I’m sure that I’ll survive somehow.” He smiled at her and attempted to go up the stairs again but she grabbed his hand and pulled.

  “Thank God for that mistake. My life would have been meaningless without it.” She was scared. She had shoved him back into his own personal burning hell, onto his insecurities. She recognised the wide smile that never reached his eyes; he was acting, just to make her feel better. “Josh, stop acting. This is not a stage and I am not that fragile girl who cannot take a good beating. All this is my fault. You can be angry with me, you know. Please don’t shut yourself in the library, stay here with me.”

  “Right, I’ll stay here with you. What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that you were right? It is a good thing that I went to see my mother because at least I know who my father is. Do you want me to say that I forgive you? I have already said that. In any case there is nothing to forgive because you were brought up in a world where mothers love their children. In my world mothers don’t. You would never have imagined my mother’s intense pleasure at the expense of my pain. Tell me Maria, what else do you want me to say? If I can’t act then I can’t say that I’m all right. Maria I need some time, alone, to think, that is all I need.”

  Josh sat down and leaned forward, grasping his head between his hands. His composed, polished facade was crumbling together with his bleeding heart and he could not find it in himself to act anymore. And he wept. He wept for that little unwanted boy.

  She came to him and hugged him tight and his pain started to ebb away. He had everything he would ever need. Thank God he had her in his life...He experienced a déjà vu as he remembered a similar distant dream.

  She continued to hold him until his sobs subsided. She caressed his face and wiped his tears. “Josh, I wanted you to stay down here with me because I wanted to tell you something important. I’m pregnant again.

  Ben

  “...I would like to thank my beautiful wife for putting up with me day in, day out. I love you very much, Maria, you are my whole world. I never deserved you, but I guess I just got very lucky the day I met you. I would also like to thank Anna back in England for helping me through a difficult time. Hi Anna...there, I have remembered to mention you, I bet you thought that I would forget all about my promise. And of course I have to mention the author of this fantastic book who is my greatest friend and wishes to remain anonymous. Without the book this production would not have been possible. And last but not least I thank the director and....”

  Josh returned to his seat clutching his fourth Oscar and he kissed Maria as the cameras rolled.

  “Will you ever stop doing that? I still hate it,” she whispered as the spotlight swung back onto the stage.

  He grinned and placed his hand on her eight-month pregnant abdomen. “Are you all right, have the contractions stopped? Oh, he has just kicked me!”

  “Serves you right, you just woke him up. I’m fine, they were just false contractions, I still have another month to go. Don’t worry.”

  “Have I ever told you just how much you mean to me,” he whispered, his hand still feeling his child’s movements beneath her skin.

  “You tell me all the time.”

  “It’s never enough,” and he leaned over and gave her a long lingering kiss.

  “Josh, please we are in a public space.”

  “Oh really, I never noticed. I thought it was just you and me in the universe with all the stars shining around us...”

  “Shut up, people are starting to stare,” and she gently pushed him away.

  “I don’t care,” but he chuckled and moved back to his own space. He knew that she hated any public displays of affection. But he himself was past caring about what other people thought of him.

  He was bored with all the drama and pretension of the evening. He didn’t even want to be there and, hadn’t it been for Maria’s insistence, he would still be at home playing with the twins. He wished that he was like Max, unknown and doing what he liked best tucked far away from this artificial show. He looked around and saw Freddie next to his latest girlfriend, the new young stunning actress who had taken the world by storm. Josh wondered if he would still be like him in a superficial hollow relationship hadn’t he met Maria. Yes, he probably would. And he probably would have had a taste of that actress that evening too. Freddie had always been flamboyantly generous and friendly just as long as Josh accepted his place in the back seat. But now that he had rebelled, they were barely on speaking terms and Josh found it harder than before knowing that they were brothers.

  He caught his father’s eye. Phil smiled warmly at him, giving him that familiar proud look, but Josh turned away, scowling. He had not spoken to him since that day and he had even avoided going to his own mother’s funeral. He knew that Phil visited at least every week just to play with the kids. His loquacious daughter, Emma, would describe everything they did together in greatest detail. But Phil respected his wishes and never came when he was around. Maria squeezed his hand, sensing his discomfort. She knew him so well; he would be lost without her. He closed his eyes and imagined that he was alone with her in a faraway land, miles away from this gaudy hall. He was still in that happy place when he heard her sharp intake of breath. He looked at her. Her eyes were tightly shut and she was clenching her teeth to prevent herself from crying out.

  “Have the contractions returned?”

  She nodded, screwing up her face in pain.

  “You really should have listened to me and checked this out in hospital instead of insisting that we come to this circus,” Josh complained. “But no, you have to have it your way all the time. Come on, let’s go. I’ll carry you to the car.” Josh could feel panic rising within him as he rose to leave.

  But Maria thought about all the cameras focussing on their retreating figures and she pulled his arm, “I’m all right for ten more minutes. The ceremony will soon finish. It’s just back pain,” she said as she buried her face in his shoulder. He put an arm around her and gently rubbed her back. He looked round to try and spot the quickest getaway and he saw that Phil was observing their little drama. Josh nodded slightly to his unasked question. Phil leaned forward to speak to Freddie who immediately turned and registered Maria’s grimacing face as she shrunk against her husband’s shoulder.

  “It’s OK, I can walk,” Maria said when Josh attempted to lift her as he weaved his way through the crowd. But a powerful spasm left her breathless again and she leaned against his chest. She felt a gush of water going down her thighs. She hated public scenes. She panicked and looked around. She spied the restroom to her left, “I need to go to the ladies, now.”

  “Can’t it wait?” One look at her face immediately told him that she couldn’t. “OK, I’ll tell them to get the car ready and I’ll come back for you there. We still have some more time. The twins were born some ten hours after the contractions started, right?”

  She reassured him and ran inside, closing the door. She had to calm down. She had to get herself dried up and perhaps no one would notice the big wet stain. She couldn’t tell Josh, he would panic. But the ripping pain stopped her short again. She leaned on the wall, doubling up as she moaned in agony. She could almost feel the baby pushing out. She knew that it was too late to rush to the privacy and security of a ward now.

  The door was flung open. She looked up through her pain. Phil a
nd Freddie had been following at a distance and had heard her suppressed cry through the closed door.

  “I still have another month to go but my water just broke,” she cried in terror, “and the contractions….Oh God, I can feel the baby’s head pushing down. I don’t think I can make it anywhere. Please go and find Josh,” she gasped. Freddie quickly took charge of the whole situation. He spread his jacket on the floor and asked Phil to help him lower her down.

  “Please go and tell Josh, I need him here.” Maria urgently clasped Freddie’s sleeve as she pleaded.

  “I think I am better qualified to help you than Josh is,” Freddie said dryly. “Maria, I need you to stay focussed and calm down, take small breaths in and out. Yes that’s it, calm down. Josh will come in his own time and in the meantime I need to see what’s going on down there, are you all right with that?”

  Maria tried to pull herself together. She didn’t like the idea of giving birth here with Phil and Freddie as an audience but she had no choice. She had to stop thinking of Freddie as the handsome but disgusting pervert. The image of him unashamedly sitting naked on her sofa as Anna entered the lounge was the first thing that popped in her mind every time she saw him. She gulped in some air to clear her anxiety. He was a doctor and he would be able to help her. She couldn’t do this alone. And Josh would be useless if blood was involved. So she nodded and Freddie proceeded with his examination as another contraction ripped her body apart.

  She vaguely heard the door open and close. Then Josh was on his knees beside her, kissing her hand and soothing her.

  “We can’t move her, she is far too advanced. She will have to give birth here. I can feel the baby’s head and it will probably be over in five to ten minutes,” Freddie said as he washed his bloodied hands and rolled up his shirt sleeves. He was in his natural environment. He could do this. He was in charge and he started giving out orders. Both Phil and Josh acknowledged his authority and asked no questions.