All of Me

by Emily Smith

  “I do…” Galen nodded thoughtfully. “Actually, I really don’t. But I’m still sorry. If you need anything, I’m here. Okay?”

  “Please. You have enough on your plate right now to worry about my relationship drama. Besides, I’m okay. Really. Brian might be another story, but I’ll be fine.”

  “Well…good, then…”

  “I guess, um, I’ll see you around later?”

  “Yeah. You bet.”

  Rowan turned and started walking down the hall, her heart echoing in her ears.

  “Hey, Ro?”

  She stopped and turned to look at Galen.

  “Just come find me later, will you?”

  * * *

  “And who, pray tell, was that?” Ginger was definitely the nosier of her sisters, and Galen knew she’d have something to say when she walked back into her mother’s hospital room.

  “One of my interns.” Galen shrugged.

  “So do all of ‘your interns’ bring your family coffee while they’re visiting?”

  “Shut up, Ginger,” Galen snapped.

  “She’s really pretty, Galen. Like…wow.” Grace always was her favorite.

  “Thanks. I mean, I don’t know what that has to do with anything,” Galen said.

  “Yeah, well, the color of your face right now says differently, kiddo,” Ginger remarked.

  “Will you guys just back off already?”

  “Don’t bring me into this,” Grace said. “I just said she was pretty. Statement of fact.”

  “Enough, all of you.” Margaret never seemed to have trouble speaking up around just her and her kids. “It’s my turn. Galen, she’s lovely. If you aren’t dating her, you should be.”

  “Gee, thanks, Mom. Big help. Okay. I’ll settle all of this right now, since apparently the Burgess family enjoys speculation more than reality. Rowan is my friend. My intern. She’s helped me out a lot the last couple of days. That’s all. Besides, she has a boyfriend. Or had a boyfriend, I guess.”

  “Had?” Ginger asked. “As in past tense?”

  “I guess so. She just told me they broke up.”

  “You’ve got to get in there then! Make your move! Give her that old Burgess charm. Come on, kid. What are you waiting for?” Ginger sounded like a cheerleader.

  “Seriously? It’s been like, five minutes. And I’m nobody’s rebound.”

  “The way that girl looked at you…You’re no rebound, G,” Grace said.

  “Hate you guys.” Galen waved dismissively but quietly hoped Ginger was right.

  * * *

  Nothing broke Galen’s focus at work. Especially not women. But as she stood over her afternoon patient, the next recipient of a gallbladder removal, she couldn’t clear her head. Her mother was doing well. She was coming close to the twenty-four-hours mark, when the risk of surgical complications would dramatically decrease. But Galen still couldn’t keep herself from worrying.

  The short, ninety-minute surgery was almost over, and so far she’d managed to at least appear to have her mind in the game. It didn’t help that her father was the attending on the case. Instead of being with her mother, he’d seemed to pack his OR schedule with as many elective cases as he could. Galen thought about taking the rest of the day off, but her father’s aloofness pushed her into a fury that seemed to be relieved only by work. She wouldn’t be his emotional buffer anymore. He would not be able to use her as a stand-in when her mother needed him.

  “We’re all done here,” Henry Burgess said, once Galen had placed the final staple in the hepatic duct. “Go ahead and close up, Dr. Burgess.”

  In that moment, she couldn’t have hated him more.

  She finished her last stitch, made sure the patient was safely left in the PACU, and headed to the lounge. Galen was alone. The news played loudly from a TV on the wall, and magazines and journals were spread across the end tables next to two large leather couches. She pulled off her paper scrub cap and collapsed onto one of the sofas, closing her eyes and exhaling loudly. It wasn’t just her mother who was hijacking her concentration. It was Rowan. She’d spent the better part of the last two days with this woman and found herself unsettled by the fact that she actually missed her. Missing a woman was foreign in and of itself. But it was unheard of after only a few hours. She thought about Ginger and her annoying insistence that she make her move.

  There was no way. Rowan was her intern. This was completely against the rules. The hospital had a strict “no fraternization” clause, but Galen had been breaking it for years. It was her father that terrified her. If he found out she was pursuing the junior residents, he’d make sure she was stripped of her title of chief resident and maybe even her entire residency. She took a fistful of her hair and tugged in frustration. Reminding herself that her monster of a father would royally screw her over if she acted on her desires was doing little to nothing to stop the fantasies.

  In fact, they were only getting worse. Galen could hardly look at Rowan now without thinking about getting her clothes off. When they touched, which they seemed to be doing more often than not lately, the fantasy manifested into a physical ache that bordered on torture. She’d silently thanked God, or the universe, or whoever, that they had run across each other only in public spaces lately, at least since the night at her house. If they were alone, all bets were more than off.

  Chapter Twelve

  Just come find me later, will you? Rowan had spent the entire day trying to figure out what Galen could have possibly meant. She replayed the words over and over, trying to make sense of them. But every time she did, her imagination took hold, and she could no longer rationalize anything. Maybe Galen wanted to talk to her about something. Or maybe she just wanted to hang out. Yeah, like “I’ll see you around,” Rowan told herself. But that didn’t feel right either. At least, she hoped it wasn’t.

  She made a deal with herself. If she didn’t see Galen by eight pm, she’d go do exactly what Galen had said—seek her out. That was reasonable. Wasn’t it?

  By five pm, her work had dwindled significantly, and she found herself in the lounge, staring at the same page in Current Surgical Theory she’d been on for an hour, anticipating being near Galen again. What was happening to her? Was she really becoming another Galen Burgess groupie? She groaned at the idea, absolutely disgusted by herself. “Gross,” she said out loud.

  “What’s gross?” Rowan was so absorbed in her school-girl crush she hadn’t heard Makayla come in.

  “Oh, just this tumor I’m reading about.”

  Makayla sat down beside her eagerly. “Let me see! I love gross stuff.” She pulled the book away from Rowan. “There’s no picture.”

  “Yeah…But, I…I have a great imagination.” God, was that the truth.

  “This section isn’t even about tumors. It’s about hemorrhoids. Which, admittedly, are gross. But what is going on with you, Texas?”

  “Nothing. Just tired.”

  “Bull. Do you know what my undergrad degree was in?” Makayla said with a smirk.

  “Torture? Annoyance? Interrogation?”

  “Psychology.”

  “Great. Well, there’s not much to psychoanalyze about hemorrhoids.” Rowan wanted Makayla to stop asking questions. She was a terrible liar. And she was brimming with enough feelings and thoughts and daydreams about Galen that the smallest push might spill everything out in the open. If anyone was going to crack her, it would be Makayla.

  “Spill.” Makayla slammed the book shut and pushed it aside, forcing Rowan to look at her.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Yes, you do. I know that look. That look is about a boy.” Rowan didn’t answer. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

  “No, actually.”

  Makayla angled her head so she was staring directly into Rowan’s eyes in a way that made Rowan feel exposed and transparent. “It’s not a patient. No. You aren’t sad. This is…no, this is definitely infatuation I’m seeing.”

  “Kayla, will y
ou stop? I have things to do.”

  “Not a boy. A girl! I was wrong about the gender…but so right about the lust.”

  “What? Now you’re just blindly guessing.” But Rowan’s legs shook under the table.

  “Rowan…” Makayla’s face grew uncharacteristically serious. “I realize we don’t know each other well and that I come across like kind of a gossip. But I promise, you can trust me. I mean, come on. How many other friends do you have around here, anyway?”

  For some reason, Rowan was compelled to believe her. Maybe it was the Southerner in her that always made her a bit of a pushover. Or maybe she just desperately needed someone to talk to. But this was the tiny push it took for her to empty out everything she’d been thinking.

  “You won’t tell a soul?”

  Mayakya made a fist and extended her little finger toward Rowan. “Pinkie promise.” They grasped their fingers together and kissed their hands like twelve-year-olds, and something about the gesture made Rowan feel better.

  “You were right.” Rowan took a deep breath and forced it out again.

  “About which part? The boy, or the girl?” This was a bad idea. Makayla was already far too interested.

  “Girl.”

  “I knew it! Who? Wait…”

  Rowan knew Makayla would only need one guess. “Don’t…”

  “Galen!?” Makayla nearly shouted her name.

  “Shh! Will you keep it down?”

  “Sorry…”

  “It’s okay. I just…no one can find out.” Rowan couldn’t believe she was telling anyone what had felt like the most private feelings she’d ever experienced.

  “Of course. Pinkie swear, remember? But really? Galen?”

  Rowan scanned the room again, in case anyone had snuck in under cover of Makayla’s excitement. “I mean, nothing’s happened. Yet. Aside from this one kiss.”

  “You kissed her? You kissed our chief? You kissed a girl? But what about Brian? I just…so many questions!”

  “Will you settle down? It wasn’t a big deal.” But it was a big deal.

  “Sure. Okay. And Henry Burgess is a nice guy. See what I did there? Opposite day.”

  “It was just a kiss. And it was a while ago now. Nothing has happened since.”

  “But you want it to.” Makayla made her perfectly shaped eyebrows dance dramatically.

  “Yes. Like, a lot. A lot, a lot. As in, more than I’ve ever wanted something to happen in my life.”

  “Oh my God. This is more than just a little lady-lust, isn’t it? You actually like her. “

  Rowan rolled her eyes. “I don’t know.”

  “So, is this, like, a girl thing? Or is it just a Galen Burgess thing?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, even I’d sleep with Galen. And I love men. I mean, I really, really love men. So, is it her? Or are you gay now?” Makayla was clearly not interested in practicing what little tact she had.

  “I don’t know.” Rowan sighed. “Does it really matter anyway?”

  “No. It really doesn’t. What matters is what you’re going to do now.”

  “I have options?”

  “Texas, you always have options.” Makayla put her hand on Rowan’s shoulder. “To act or not to act? That is the question.”

  “I thought you said you were a psychology major.”

  “Classics minor. Now, are you going to sleep with her? And if you do, can you please tell me every last detail? Believe it or not, I’ve never been with a woman. It’s always been on my bucket list, you know? Come to think of it, if you aren’t going to make a move—”

  “Kayla! Back down, will you?” Rowan glanced around herself, as if looking for whoever the words had just come from. “I mean, I don’t know yet, okay?”

  “Jeez. Settle down. I won’t steal your girl, all right?” Makayla chuckled to herself.

  “Stop. Just stop.”

  “Okay.” Makayla got closer to Rowan and rested her chin on her fist. “Now I have questions.”

  “Questions?”

  “What about Brian?”

  “We’re…taking a break right now. You know, until I figure things out.”

  “You mean like whether or not you’re a lesbian.”

  “Yes, like that! Ugh. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Brian is the perfect guy. He’s smart, and sweet, and he loves me far more than I deserve.”

  “But you aren’t hot for him.” Makayla had simplified it to one, completely accurate sentence.

  “No. I’m not hot for him. And I always thought that was fine. In fact, I didn’t know any differently. I was relatively content with him. Not head-over-heels or anything like that. And I never wanted to rip his clothes off. But I didn’t care.”

  “And then?”

  “And then I met Galen. And now I care. A lot.” It was the first time Rowan had said the words.

  Makayla’s eyelashes fluttered. “What was the kiss like?”

  “The kiss?” Rowan shook her head and smiled, sucked back into the moment she’d shared with Galen on the roof several weeks ago. “Life-changing.”

  “Go. Now.”

  “What?”

  “Get up out of that chair, splash some cold water on your face, fix your hair that you’ve been fussing with all night from your sexual tension, and go find her,” Makayla said.

  “I can’t.”

  “Life-changing, Texas. Nothing trumps that. Don’t waste another second in here thinking about what it would be like to touch her. Go find out.”

  “I don’t even know if she’s interested.”

  Makayla squinted with obvious annoyance. “You’re just stalling.”

  “It’s true.” Rowan needed to hear someone say it—someone to convince her this was worth the enormous risk.

  “Galen is more than interested in you. Now, will you go already?”

  That was all the cheering on that Rowan needed.

  * * *

  During the entire two and a half months Rowan had been at Boston City, she didn’t remember the hallway down to the OR being so long. Her heart was racing so fast she couldn’t separate the beats, and she felt dissociated from her body, like she was watching someone else live her life, making choices she would never make. She’d checked the OR schedule earlier and knew Galen would be finishing a case any minute, so long as everything went according to plan. And, dear God, Rowan hoped everything would.

  She peeked through the glass double doors of OR 4, where a lone custodian in a paper gown and gloves was picking up gauze and towels from the floor. When she didn’t see Galen, she walked down the hall toward the downstairs surgical lounge. This was where Galen often went after her cases, before she retired to her office for the night. But the lounge was empty. Where was she? Rowan was beginning to lose her nerve.

  “See you tomorrow. I’m scrubbing in on your colectomy in the morning.” Rowan’s confidence continued to falter at the sound of Galen’s voice coming from around the corner.

  “See you then, kid.” Rowan recognized Jay’s voice but stayed just out of view until she was certain he was gone and Galen was alone.

  “Hi…” She emerged from her hiding spot and waved awkwardly at Galen but continued to move toward her, until she was standing close enough she could smell the sweat and musk coming off her skin. Rowan shuddered, and pure need replaced her inhibitions.

  “Hi, yourself…”

  She watched Galen scan the halls and knew they were thinking the same thing. “How was your thyroid tumor?”

  Galen smiled, her eyes gleaming with suggestion. “Enormous. I have pictures if you want to see.”

  “I do.” Rowan’s hand shook as she placed it on Galen’s chest. “But not right now.”

  “Right.” She watched Galen swallow hard, her lips parting, just begging Rowan to kiss her again.

  “Do you want me, Galen?”

  Galen’s eyes widened, and her mouth opened a little more. “I…”

  Without waiting for anymore affirma
tion, Rowan placed her other hand around the back of Galen’s neck and pulled her in, letting her lips sink into Galen’s until she couldn’t breathe anymore. She didn’t care. This was better than air.

  “Yes,” Galen finally said, pulling away from Rowan’s hold, her words hot and winded. “I want you. More than you know.”

  “Then take me.”

  Galen glanced around the hall again as if looking for an escape route, while she clutched Rowan around her hips. “Let’s go.” Without warning, Galen grabbed her hand and whisked her through an open door into one of the empty on-call rooms, turning the lock and shoving Rowan hard against the door.

  Rowan heard herself moan as Galen pressed against her. The weight of her entire body set Rowan’s skin on fire, causing her to claw at Galen’s clothes, pulling them every which way to try to get them off. She couldn’t seem to think clearly enough to figure out how to remove Galen’s scrub top. Luckily, Galen took the cue and stopped her probing kiss long enough to run her expert hands under Rowan’s shirt, pulling it up over her head.

  “What? Why did you stop?” Galen was staring at her, frozen in place, her eyes locked on Rowan’s exposed stomach and breasts covered only by a blue lace bra. Oh God. Had she worn her good underwear today? Panic set in as she desperately tried to remember what panties she’d pulled out of her drawer at four thirty that morning. Please don’t be the period underwear. Please don’t be the period underwear.

  “Jesus Christ, Duncan.” But Galen’s tone was anything but disappointed.

  “What is it?” Rowan gave her coyest grin. No one had ever made her feel sexy like this before. No one had ever made her feel truly wanted. She’d spent her life as the conservative girl-next-door from Euless, Texas. So-called pleasures of the flesh were a sin. And even with Brian, she always felt a hint of shame. Not now. Not with Galen. She stood in front of her, half naked, feeling like a vixen finally let out of her cage. She didn’t even know the definition of the word shame now.

  “Just. Jesus Christ.” Galen shook her head, as if to refocus, and started kissing Rowan again, weaving her hand through Rowan’s long hair that she’d freed from its daily ponytail and pulling hard. Her fingers moved to Rowan’s bra and unclasped it in one smooth snap, which briefly reminded Rowan that Galen had done this countless other times. But she cared far less than she thought she would. Galen was there with her, not one of the OR nurses or anyone else. And she could be sure of one thing—Galen didn’t experience the connection pulsating between them with many others. All her thoughts dissolved as Galen’s fingers found one of her nipples, gently brushing it at first with just the tips, then squeezing, the sensation traveling from Rowan’s breasts down between her legs. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could wait for Galen to touch her. But Galen was in complete control. And Rowan liked it exactly that way.