All of Me

by Emily Smith

  Rowan had been discreet when it came to her Thanksgiving plans that year, but Galen got the impression she didn’t have many options. Makayla was going back home to Chicago, and most of the others were traveling too. Rowan told Galen she’d rather eat microwaved burritos than go back to Texas for the weekend, and a part of Galen was selfishly relieved she wouldn’t be home to see Brian. As far as Galen knew, the two hadn’t spoken since their “break,” which apparently had turned out to be a little more permanent than Brian might have realized. Galen didn’t want to tempt fate by sending Rowan back to the security of Brian’s goofy polo shirts and Star Wars collectables. But she hated the idea of Rowan spending Thanksgiving alone, which was why she didn’t fight as hard as she should have when Rowan insisted on working that day.

  She had to do something special. Galen thought about hiring a professional chef to put together a spread that would make the Food Network weep. But Rowan wasn’t quite the type to be impressed with over-the-top. This has to be thoughtful, even personal.

  “Danvers. When do you leave for Chicago?” Galen found Makayla sitting alone in the quiet surgeons’ lounge. It seemed like most of the other residents had already made their way home, and when she saw Makayla, an idea struck her.

  “Not until nine tonight. Why?” Makayla was clearly intrigued.

  “I need your help.” Galen glanced around the room and shut the door.

  “Galen, I’m not going to sleep with you. Rowan is my best friend.”

  “Oh, please. I’m not even going to entertain that remark with a response, because I know you’re messing with me. But seriously. I need your help. What do you know about cooking turkeys?”

  “You have come to the right place, my devilishly handsome chief. I have cooked many a turkey in my day.”

  “I need you to teach me.”

  “Uh, okay?” Galen watched as Makayla’s face began to register understanding. “This is about Rowan, isn’t it?”

  “Yes. This is her first Thanksgiving away from home, and I hate that she’s stuck here at the hospital. I tried to convince her to stay away, but she wouldn’t listen, so I want to make it special for her.”

  “You realize she’s working because she wants to be with you more than she wants to be with anyone else, right?”

  Galen had suspected that was true, but it was nice to hear regardless. “I know. Which is all the more reason I want to make it worth her while. I want to cook for her. Turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce…wait, do you cook cranberry sauce?”

  Makayla laughed. “Just how little do you know about cooking?”

  “So little it’s not even funny.”

  “I don’t know.” Makayla looked at her watch. “That’s a tall order. We only have about four hours.”

  “I’m a fast learner,” Galen answered eagerly. “Come on. I’ll give you whatever you want. Just come back to my place right now and teach me whatever you can.”

  “Whatever I want?” Makayla’s eyes darkened, and Galen immediately regretted her phrasing.

  “Except that.”

  She rolled her eyes at Galen. “You really do think you’re God’s gift, don’t you?”

  “I…”

  “What I want is that whipple next week—the fifty-six-year-old with the pancreatic cancer that your dad is doing. I want in.”

  “Fine. You can scrub. But you aren’t touching. First-years don’t get their hands on cases that complicated. I’ll figure out how to convince my father. But let’s go. Time is ticking, and we have a turkey to make.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Before she left for the hospital early the next morning, Galen brined the turkey, prepped the stuffing, and managed to not cook the cranberry sauce (although, as she’d learned, she could apparently make it from scratch). She’d convinced Rowan to stay at home the night before so she wouldn’t know what she was up to, although it wasn’t easy. Galen so clearly wanted to be with her every chance she got, and she could tell Rowan knew it. Rowan obviously knew something was going on. Still, Galen was sure it would be worth it.

  A light snow had begun to fall as Galen walked into the hospital. Rowan was standing in front of the ER entrance waiting for her, bundled in her coat and scarf and a thick wool cap. She smiled at Galen, the glow from the neon signs and the streetlights highlighting her sweet face. Galen had never felt so lucky.

  “What are you doing out here?” she called to Rowan.

  “Waiting for you, obviously.”

  Galen approached her and wrapped her arms around Rowan’s waist, layers of puffy down keeping her from getting as close as she would have liked. A snowflake fell on Rowan’s tiny nose and melted almost instantly. “Is that right?” Galen kissed her.

  “Isn’t this great?” Rowan said, pulling away from Galen and twirling around in circles like a child, her arms thrown out.

  “What?” Galen laughed. “Snow?”

  “Yes! I love the first snow! It’s beautiful.”

  “That’s another thing I love about you,” Galen said, pulling her close again and kissing her forehead. “You make me see everything differently than I have before.”

  Rowan looked at the ground and smiled shyly. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” Galen held her there for a while as scattered hospital employees, looking tired and disgruntled, made their way past. She thought about how happy she was they didn’t have to keep their relationship a secret anymore.

  It hadn’t taken long for the entire surgical residency program to find out about them. Galen was pretty certain Carly had been the initial leak, since Teddy and Makayla seemed far too loyal at that point to say anything else. But within a week, three others knew. And within three weeks, everyone, including most of the attending surgeons, knew—everyone except for Henry Burgess. Galen had decided to tell him herself, mostly because the anticipation was excruciating, and the revelation was a time bomb waiting to blow up her entire life.

  “Dr. Burgess, Dad, I need to tell you something.” Galen had cornered her father in his office, which she never did, one afternoon toward the middle of November. “I’ve been seeing Rowan Duncan.” Her father, who had been making a real effort to appear busy by awkwardly shuffling papers on his desk and tapping the mouse on his computer, didn’t say a word. “You can say whatever you want, but I love her. And we’re happy. And the hospital has no rules about this, so you can’t do anything except figure out a way to deal with it. If you fire me, or especially Rowan, I will go over your head to HR.”

  “Fine” was all her father had said, but as Galen turned to leave, she swore she saw the smallest of smiles on his hardened face.

  As it turned out, what had seemed like the end of the world hadn’t been that big of a deal at all. Galen had kept her position as chief, and no one seemed to question that fact. Rowan was emerging as one of the best first-years Galen had ever seen, and she was sure that opinion was founded only partially in bias. And she’d recruited Teddy to help her make sure nepotism didn’t take hold and cause her to give Rowan any special treatment. It had only been a month, and, being a surgeon, Galen was exceedingly superstitious, but so far, everything was perfect.

  * * *

  It didn’t matter that she was at work. This was the best Thanksgiving Rowan had ever had. She’d fallen in love—really, truly fallen in love, for the first time—and suddenly, everything in her life that she didn’t know was missing felt whole. She did think about calling Brian. It was the holidays, after all, and the baseline guilt she’d been harboring about hurting him was certainly heightened that day. She’d have to talk to him eventually. After all, the last thing she told him was that she needed a break. After a month of silence, most people would have taken the hint—but not Brian. He was the eternal optimist, probably sitting at home thinking any minute now Rowan would come to her senses and beg him to come back to her. She needed to tell him, but Thanksgiving probably wasn’t the most considerate time to do it.

  She received a text from Galen later tha
t afternoon asking her to come to her office. The hospital had been quiet. No elective surgeries were scheduled, and only one trauma—a teenager shot by a gangbanger, with a minor leg wound—had rolled through the ER. Rowan hurried, anticipating the chance to kiss Galen again. She really was the best kisser. Of course, she seemed to be the best at just about everything else too. But Rowan didn’t like anything more than kissing Galen.

  The office door was mostly closed, which was still unusual unless Rowan was inside with her. She knocked once and pushed the door open the rest of the way. A makeshift table put together from several patient meal trays sat in the middle of the small room. Two large candles were lit in the center, and a tablecloth made of paper patient gowns was spread across the top. A small turkey, with patches of black char, a bowl of cranberry sauce, and what looked like partially cooked root vegetables filled the rest of the table.

  “What is all this?” Rowan asked, making no effort to hide a beaming smile.

  “Happy Thanksgiving, baby.” Galen stood and pulled out one of the stools that was tucked under the table.

  “You did all this?” Tears welled up under Rowan’s eyelids.

  “What gave it away? The burnt turkey or the uncooked carrots?” Galen laughed. “Turns out, I’m actually not good at everything.”

  “I’m sure it’s wonderful.” Rowan placed her arms around Galen and buried her face in her neck. “Thank you.”

  “I wanted this to be the best Thanksgiving ever. But I’m pretty sure the middle of that turkey is still frozen.”

  Rowan pulled away and kissed Galen’s face over and over again. “You’re perfect. This is perfect. And I don’t care if you burn a million turkeys. This is still the most thoughtful thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

  “You mean that?”

  “Yes. This is the best Thanksgiving ever, because I found you. You hear me?”

  “I know the feeling.” Galen smiled warmly at her, and everything sat exactly right in Rowan’s world. “That being said, I ordered Yen Chang’s. It’s on the way.”

  Rowan laughed. “Turkey was never my favorite, anyway.”

  * * *

  Galen was on for a twenty-four-hour shift, but she’d managed to convince Rowan to leave some time after eight. Rowan wanted to spend the rest of the night with her, but fatigue had set in, and Galen had a type of persuasion that made saying no to her extremely difficult. The snow had picked up as Rowan got off the bus in front of her apartment. It was so heavy, she almost didn’t notice someone sitting on her front step.

  It wasn’t hard to recognize Brian. His tall, lanky frame was covered only by a thin windbreaker and a baseball cap. He looked dramatically out of place. Rowan’s heart fell to the ground so quickly she swore she could hear it drop.

  “Brian…”

  “Guess I didn’t dress for the weather, huh?” He smiled his goofy, crooked smile she hadn’t seen in months, and panic swelled inside her.

  “What are you doing here?” Rowan kept her distance, trying to process what was happening.

  “Do you think I could come in? I’ve been standing out here for forty-five minutes now. I’m pretty sure I have frostbite.”

  Rowan shook her head, trying to force her brain to focus. “Yes. Of course. Come in.” She unlocked the door and led him inside to her apartment. “Let me take your coat. Go sit down.” Almost instinctively, she went into her bedroom and returned with one of Brian’s old sweatshirts she’d kept from Texas. “Here. Put this on.”

  Brian smiled again. “Thanks.”

  “Brian…” Rowan sat down on the opposite side of the room, still feeling disoriented and terrified. “What are you doing here?”

  “What’s wrong, Ro? Aren’t you happy to see me?”

  “I am happy to see you. But…”

  “I’ve missed you. And I’ve been doing a lot of thinking over the last few weeks. You were right.”

  “I was?” Rowan’s confusion built.

  “You were. You were right to ask for time. Because I realized that I don’t want to be away from you anymore. Boston is too far. I want us to be together. So I quit my job, and here I am.” Brian held up his hands and grinned like this was some kind of grand gift to Rowan—like she should be thrilled.

  Rowan was afraid she’d throw up, and not in the same way she thought she would the first time Galen picked her up to go out to dinner. This was bad. This was so bad. It was as if she’d been having a wonderful dream and was suddenly awake, realizing none of it had been real. She knew her mouth was flopped open, but she couldn’t bring herself to close it. She couldn’t bring herself to move a single muscle.

  “Don’t you think this is something we should have talked about first?” Rowan said, once she was finally able to speak again. “I told you we needed a break. I told you I needed time.”

  “I know. And you said you needed a break because the distance was too much. Now that won’t be a problem ever again.” Brian truly didn’t get it. And Rowan blamed herself fully for not being honest with him.

  “That wasn’t exactly what I meant…”

  “Don’t you want to be together?” Brian looked so pathetic, pleading for her. It broke her heart and instantly took her back through all their years together. She’d protected and cared for him since they were kids. The world had been so cruel to him. It still would be. She couldn’t break his heart—not after how hard and long he’d loved her.

  “I…yes. Yes. I want to be together.” Rowan felt her own heart break the second she said the words.

  “Good.” Brian stood from his spot across the room and came toward her, but Rowan didn’t move. He put his hands on her shoulders and leaned close to kiss her, but she stayed frozen. Brian’s lips were cold and unfamiliar, and Rowan wasn’t sure if it was the freezing temperatures outside or the fact that all she could think about was Galen.

  * * *

  Brian fell asleep in Rowan’s bed almost immediately, but Rowan was wide-awake. It was nearly three am, and everything in her was trying to fight the choice she’d made. She’d done the right thing. Brian was a good man. He needed her. Galen would be fine. There were a thousand other girls out there Galen could fall in love with. But not Brian. He had been there for her for so many years. She owed him this. And she had to tell Galen.

  Rowan didn’t want to put it off until morning. And she definitely didn’t want to do this at work. She made sure Brian was still sound asleep, put on some jeans and a sweater, and took a cab to Galen’s apartment.

  “Ro? Is everything okay?” Galen answered the phone groggily, and Rowan’s guilt expanded exponentially.

  “I’m outside. We need to talk.”

  Galen came down the stairs a minute later, dressed in nothing but her boxer briefs and a white T-shirt, and Rowan realized this was going to be far more difficult than she’d imagined. The entire car ride over she’d practiced what she was going to say. But none of it sounded right. None of it made sense.

  “What’s wrong?” Galen asked, opening the door. She leaned near to kiss her, but Rowan turned away. “Okay, you’re scaring me a little.”

  “I’m sorry to wake you up, but this couldn’t wait.” Rowan followed Galen up to her apartment.

  “What is it, Ro? Talk to me.” The look of anxiety on Galen’s face was like nothing she’d ever seen on her before, and it only weakened Rowan’s already threadbare resolve.

  “Brian’s here.” If she didn’t get the words out immediately, they would never come.

  “What?”

  “I came home tonight, and he was there.” Rowan sat next to Galen on the couch but made sure not to touch her. But touching her was all she wanted to do.

  “Well, what did you tell him?”

  Rowan filled her lungs and looked Galen directly in the eye, careful not to let her face give away any of the anguish that was wrecking her. “I told him I would be with him, Galen.”

  “You…what do you mean, Rowan?”

  “I mean, I’m choosing Brian.”
She managed to keep her voice strong and even. “He’s good to me. He loves me.”

  “And I don’t? There’s no way he could love you like I do!” Galen was shouting, her words desperate and broken. Rowan had never seen her fall apart like this. She didn’t know it was possible.

  “I’m sorry. But I love him too.”

  A few tears fell from Galen’s face onto her bare thigh, and Rowan couldn’t breathe. She wanted to avoid hurting Brian. But she never expected she’d end up hurting Galen in the process. “So, that’s it then? You’ve made up your mind?”

  Rowan kept her eyes clear and avoided looking at Galen for more than a few seconds at a time. She’d crumble if she did. “Yes. I’ve made up my mind.” Rowan hoped, when she said the words out loud, she’d believe them herself, but she didn’t.

  “I guess this is good-bye.” Galen rose, stalked into the bedroom, and returned with a handful of Rowan’s things, tossing them to her in a rare moment of anger and apparent spite.

  “Good-bye, Galen.” Rowan moved stoically to the door.

  “Rowan, wait,” Galen pleaded. She grabbed Rowan’s hand and pulled her in close, but Rowan stayed stiff and cold. “You love me. I know you do. Don’t do this. Please, don’t do this.”

  Rowan’s walls were up, and that was where they needed to stay. The same pain Galen was feeling was numb to her, sitting quietly inside her until it was safe to let it out. She felt nothing. “It’s time to move on. I’m sorry.”

  “You’re sure this is what you want?” Galen asked, a few more tears escaping down her cheek. She seemed to be barely holding it together. And it was like watching Rome fall.