All of Me

by Emily Smith

  “I hope you don’t mind my dropping by…” Brian’s voice was deeper than Galen had expected, with a gravelly quality that made it sound like he’d spent the previous night shouting at a rock concert. Just by looking at him, she guessed he probably hadn’t.

  “What are you doing here?” Rowan rushed to his side, but her words were laced with anxiety, not pleasant surprise.

  “I brought you a sandwich. Figured you might be hungry.” Brian smiled at Rowan like she was the only one in the room, and Galen instantly wanted to punch him. He was clearly nice. But that only served to make her want to punch him even more.

  “Thank you.” Rowan glanced back at the group, looking like a small animal caught in a bear trap. “Brian, this is Teddy. He’s one of the other residents.”

  Teddy nodded politely but shot Galen a look that she knew meant he had her back if she decided to jump this tool.

  “And you know Makayla.” Rowan gestured to Makayla, who appeared like she was empathizing with Rowan for her horribly awkward introductions yet reveling in the drama.

  “Nice to see you, Brian,” Makayla answered.

  “And this is, uh, Galen. Galen Burgess. My…boss.” Rowan’s throat rose and fell with what appeared to be a hard gulp.

  “Galen. Good to finally meet you. Your name comes up a lot in my house.”

  Galen fought the swell of anger that built in her chest. Your house? Up until a week ago, it was Rowan’s house, you fucking ass. “Is that right?” She reluctantly extended her hand as both she and Brian turned to Rowan.

  “Galen, this is Brian. My…boyfriend.” Rowan seemed to choke the words out.

  “Actually, I’m her fiancé now.”

  No one in the room except Brian seemed to even breathe, and Galen’s vision dimmed until she could see only through tiny pinholes in front of her. The only sound for miles was an almost audible crunch, which Galen swore had to be the rebreaking of an already broken heart.

  “What?” Galen heard the word come out, but wasn’t sure she was even the one speaking.

  “Yeah…what?” Thankfully, Makayla was right behind Galen to echo her sentiment. The shock seemed to be widespread in that moment.

  “Yup! It happened last night. Here, hon, show them the ring.” Brian reached for Rowan’s left hand and lifted it clear up into the air, but she stayed as limp as a piece of clothing line-drying in the wind. “You didn’t wear it?”

  Rowan’s panicked expression was now anything but subtle, and she seemed to be having as much difficulty getting words out as the rest of them. “I…it’s in my locker. I took it off for a case.”

  Rowan hadn’t had a case yet that morning.

  “Well…that’s great news,” Makayla finally said, moving stiffly toward them and hugging first Rowan and then Brian. Brian didn’t know Makayla well and probably didn’t notice her complete lack of the bubbly enthusiasm she usually wore like a brightly colored scarf. But Galen certainly did. Galen noticed everything in that moment—the worry and sadness on Rowan’s face where happiness should have been, Brian’s stupid, clueless smile, the pity emanating from Makayla and Teddy aimed directly at her. She noticed all of it. She just couldn’t bring herself to speak.

  “Really great,” Teddy said. “Congratulations.” He shook Brian’s hand and kissed Rowan on the cheek. Everyone turned their attention to Galen, who stood frozen in place, their looks ranging from condolence to confusion.

  “I…I have to go.” Not knowing what else to do, Galen turned and rushed out of the room, straight to her office to shut the door.

  Chapter Twenty

  Someone tentatively rapped on Galen’s door a few minutes later.

  “Galen? Can I come in?” For the last eight days, Galen had hoped and prayed that every knock would be Rowan’s. It never was. Now, she wanted it to be anyone else—anyone else in the world.

  “Just a minute.” She sniffed quickly and dabbed the tears that had found their way out of her eyes with the sleeve of her white coat. Rowan was going to see she’d been crying, and she fucking hated that. “Okay. Come in.” Rowan opened the door, her eyes sad with guilt.

  “Hi,” Galen said.

  “Hi yourself…” Rowan smiled, but all Galen could see was what must have been pity for her pathetic display of childish heartache.

  “What do you want, Ro?” Galen kept her gaze fixed on the computer screen in front of her, hoping to look busy or, at the very least, to not look as broken as she felt.

  “About that…”

  “About what? Oh, you mean that whole you-getting-married thing. It’s cool.” Saying the words aloud just brought the angry, hurtful tears back to the surface.

  “I’m sorry, Galen.” Rowan moved to Galen’s side and put a hand on her shoulder, but Galen refused to look at her.

  “Don’t be sorry. I’m happy for you. Really. Congratulations.”

  “You think I can’t see right through you? Come on, now.”

  “I don’t know what you mean,” Galen said, coldly.

  “Will you please look at me?” But Galen didn’t move. “Fine. But you have to know this isn’t at all what I thought would happen.” When Galen didn’t answer, Rowan continued. “I loved you. I loved us, together. I didn’t plan for any of this. I swear.”

  “Look, if you don’t mind, I have a lot of work to do.” She had less than thirty seconds before she lost it again, and she really didn’t want Rowan to have the pleasure of seeing that happen.

  “Okay. Just please, believe that I’m sorry, okay?” Rowan let her hand linger on Galen’s shoulder for a second longer, and Galen fought the shudder of warmth and need and comfort that spread through her. In one single moment, Galen managed to hate and want Rowan in equal parts.

  Rowan’s hand was on the door handle when Galen finally turned to her. “Is this really what you want? Is he really what you want?”

  Galen watched Rowan struggle for answers, and she momentarily found solace in her uncertainty. Rowan didn’t love Brian. She didn’t look at him the way she’d looked at Galen so many times. She just didn’t know why Rowan couldn’t see that.

  “I’ll see you later, Galen.”

  * * *

  “I want you to set me up on that date.” Galen had called Teddy into her office later that afternoon rather than risk any chance of running into Rowan again.

  “With Sunny? Really?”

  “Yes. What’s she doing tonight?”

  “I mean, I’ll ask,” Teddy answered apprehensively. “But are you sure, G?”

  “Absolutely. If you think I’ll like her, I’m sure she’s great. Besides, I could use a little fun these days, right?”

  “I just don’t know if today is the best time, you know, with Rowan getting engaged—”

  “I know what happened today, Teddy. But I’m fine. Really. I’d love to meet Sunny. So, what do you say? Can you set it up?”

  Teddy smiled. “I’ll see what I can do.”

  * * *

  Galen didn’t know if going out with Sunny was a good idea. That wasn’t true. It wasn’t a good idea. She wasn’t ready to see anyone else, touch anyone else, or even want anyone else. Of course she wasn’t. It had been only eight measly days. It took longer than that to get a package delivered. Galen did things quickly. She was a fast learner. But no one was that fast. Yet the image of Brian standing next to Rowan like that, his arm wound around her hip, smiling at her like an idiot, had been burned into her brain, and before Galen could think, she went to the only place she knew to feel better—sex.

  She’d thought about calling one of the nurses she’d already slept with, or even hitting up one of the local queer nights coming up, but that somehow didn’t feel good enough. Galen was looking for a quick fix, but this time, she wasn’t just looking to get some. This time, she was hoping to fall in love again. She’d had a taste of what that looked like, what that felt like, and she wanted more. She wanted more, and she wanted it fast, just like she wanted everything. Patience had never been one of her
more refined points, and this wasn’t going to be an exception. If Rowan didn’t want her, Galen would just have to move on and fall for someone new.

  She said that to herself like it would be so easy.

  Sunny had eagerly agreed to meet Galen that night for drinks. So Galen found her best clothes, got into her flashy car, and drove into downtown, to one of the most expensive bars in Boston. A tall, blond woman with short hair and piercing eyes Galen immediately recognized from the photos Teddy had shown her stood from her seat at the bar.

  “Sunny? I’m so sorry I’m late.” The woman looked briefly perturbed, but as soon as Galen smiled, her chilly expression melted like a spring snow.

  “Don’t worry about it. I was just getting started without you.”

  “It’s really nice to meet you.” Galen pulled out the bar stool for her, and they sat down.

  “You too. Teddy told me so much about you.”

  “Did he? I should have known better than to let him set me up. Don’t believe a word of it.”

  Sunny laughed. The charming, sweet laugh warmed some of Galen’s melancholy. “Actually, I’m pretty sure he thinks you can walk on water, or something.”

  “Well, in that case, believe it all. Every last thing he said.” Galen turned when the bartender approached and ordered the highest-shelf bourbon on the menu.

  “He tells me you’re a surgeon.”

  “That’s right.”

  “And that you’re his chief resident? His boss, kind of, is that right?”

  Galen chuckled. “Yes, kind of.”

  “He also tells me you have a dog and live in a gorgeous apartment in Back Bay. You’re obsessed with the Bruins. You like to run in your free time. Oh, and your dad is some kind of sadist?” Sunny smiled shyly.

  “Is that all? Jesus, is there anything he didn’t tell you?”

  “I mean…he didn’t tell me how handsome you were…”

  Galen took a long gulp of her bourbon and kept her gaze fixed. The whiskey was doing little to ease her nerves. Sunny was cute. And on any other day, in any other universe, Galen would have had her home and naked by now. But something was holding her back. And it didn’t take a licensed psychiatrist to figure out that thing was Rowan.

  “Thanks.” She took another sip and turned back toward Sunny. “So, tell me about you. What kind of work do you do?”

  “I’m a nurse, actually.”

  Galen felt her eyes bug. “You’re kidding me…”

  “Yes. Totally kidding.” Sunny laughed and playfully touched Galen’s shoulder. “Teddy told me you tend to date nurses.”

  “Of course he did.”

  “I was just teasing. I actually have nothing to do with health care. To be honest, I don’t even like having my blood pressure taken. I’m an architect.”

  Galen relaxed for the first time all night. “That’s great. What kind of architect?”

  “I don’t know if you recall that new condo complex in Watertown that just popped up. I designed it.”

  “Really?”

  “Well, about fifteen other people and I. But it’s still kind of neat, right?”

  “Very.”

  The rest of the evening was pleasant, to say the least. Sunny was charming and smart, and if things had been at all different, Galen would have absolutely taken her out again. For the three hours they sat at the bar, Galen managed to keep Rowan at the back of her mind. But it couldn’t last. As much as she wanted to find someone else to fall in love with, someone to replace Rowan, it wasn’t possible—at least not yet. And it wasn’t fair to Sunny to let either of them think otherwise.

  “I should probably get going,” Galen finally said. “I have an early surgery in the morning.”

  Sunny’s face reflected her obvious disappointment. “Yeah. I should too.”

  “I had a really nice time though. Come on. I’ll walk you out.” Galen left a hundred-dollar bill on the bar. She’d learned to carry cash, and a lot of it, so she could whisk girls out of the restaurant as soon as possible.

  They walked two blocks to Sunny’s car, and when they stopped, she took a step closer to Galen until their bodies were nearly touching. “So…I’d love to see you again…” Sunny said

  Panic swarmed over Galen. She was hoping Sunny didn’t like her. She was hoping she wouldn’t have to explain herself. “I like you, Sunny.”

  Sunny laughed. “Here’s the ‘but,’ though.”

  “I like you. But, if I’m being honest, I just got out of something, and I’m not really ready to date yet.”

  “I know.” She smiled sympathetically at Galen.

  “How did you…Never mind.” Galen shook her head. “Remind me to tell Teddy he’s, like, the worst wingman ever.”

  “It’s okay, Galen. Really. But if you don’t mind my asking, why did you decide to come out with me tonight anyway?”

  Galen sighed. “I guess I hoped I could become ready. I do everything quickly, you know? I always have. I kind of hoped this wouldn’t be any kind of exception.”

  “Love isn’t something you can just ‘do quickly.’” Sunny took Galen’s hand for a moment in a gesture that left Galen more comforted than she had been in days. “You just have to let the hurt suck for a while.”

  “Ugh. That’s exactly what I was afraid of.”

  “I appreciate your honesty. And I appreciate you respecting me enough not to just try to get in my pants.”

  “I mean I wasn’t completely counting that out yet…” Galen smirked, and Sunny punched her bicep gently. “Kidding!”

  “Take care of yourself, okay? And when you decide you are ready, look me up.”

  “I will. Thank you.”

  Sunny awkwardly held out her arms. “So, can we hug now or what?”

  Galen laughed heartily and embraced her, feeling simultaneously proud of what she’d just done and more alone than ever.

  * * *

  Rowan and Brian had been engaged for three weeks, and she was already ready to jump out of her second-story window. Brian’s enthusiasm for planning the wedding surprised her—and it wasn’t a pleasant surprise. The night he proposed, Rowan thought she had time to figure the whole thing out. After all, he hadn’t given her any time to decide whether she wanted to actually spend the rest of her life with him. The least he could do was give her a chance before she had to walk down the aisle, right?

  Instead, he spent day after day online, scouting out venues, vendors, even flowers. For a guy who lived for Call of Duty and Mountain Dew on Friday nights, Brian had suddenly become a nightmarish version of David Tutera. Rowan couldn’t escape. Every night when she came home from work, Brian was waiting with a new playlist for the reception or a caterer that specialized in Texas barbecue. Rowan wanted to scream. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t move. And she couldn’t stop thinking about Galen.

  And, just when things probably couldn’t get any worse, they were about to.

  “I have to go to the airport and pick up Mom,” Brian said as they drank their morning coffee. It was a tradition they’d started when Rowan was in medical school. He would get up with her before dawn and make her French-press coffee, and they would sit at the kitchen table together in the dark and talk about their upcoming day. Rowan remembered a time when she enjoyed this. Now, all she wanted in the morning was the peace and quiet she had when Brian was still in Texas. Or, better yet, the mornings she’d spent with Galen.

  “Okay.” Rowan pretended to be engrossed in her surgical notes in front of her, hoping to avoid the next question.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to come? She’s so excited to see you, Ro.”

  “Oh, no, I can’t, really. I have a hemorrhoidectomy at seven thirty, and I still have some pre-op tests to go over.”

  “Hemorrhoids? Gross. Is that what we’re $150,000 in debt for? So you can cut off some dude’s hemorrhoids?” Brian laughed, clearly amused with himself.

  Not we. Me. I’m $150,000 in debt. And it’s so I can learn how to save lives, you asshol
e. Rowan must have rolled her eyes because Brian immediately redacted. “I was kidding. Relax.”

  “I have to go.” Rowan stood from the table, dumped her untouched coffee in the sink, and headed for the door.

  “What? No kiss good-bye?”

  She knew she was being unfair to Brian, but she had to physically restrain herself from groaning. It wasn’t his fault she was so irritable. What was so wrong with her that she couldn’t revel in the same happiness he was feeling? Something had to give, and it was going to have to give soon. Not wanting to elicit that annoying little pout Brian gave when he didn’t get his way, Rowan went to him and quickly kissed him on the lips. “Bye.”

  “Hey, wait. You forgot your ring.” Brian rushed back into the bedroom and returned holding the piece of jewelry that told both of them, and the rest of the world, that she was going to be his forever.

  “Thanks.” Rowan smiled sheepishly and slipped it onto her ring finger. She hardly made it to the bus stop before taking it off again.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Work was about the only reprieve Rowan had these days, and she was more grateful than ever to be there that day. Brian’s mother, who she supposed was now her future mother-in-law, was coming to town for the holiday. She liked her well enough. And, in any other circumstance, she probably wouldn’t have minded spending Christmas with her. But now two people in her house would be pressuring her to set a wedding date, pick out a dress, make a guest list…And she didn’t know if she could handle that. It was Christmas Eve, and all she wanted to do was cut into somebody. The elective-surgery schedule was light, so she could only hope an appendectomy or an intra-abdominal abscess would roll into the ER. At least Galen had the day off. She’d been checking the schedule diligently, every week, since the breakup because she absolutely wanted to avoid Galen, and when she couldn’t, she wanted to be prepared for it.

  “Ugh. I’m so bored.” Makayla lay stretched out on one of the couches in the lounge, reading a copy of Redbook that was several issues out of date.