Couch Potato Chaos- Gamebound

by Erik Rounds

  By the time breakfast was finished, Tasha had all but forgotten about the Spider Queen and the bloody garment. She wouldn’t think about it again for some time.

  Aralogos took a sip of his black coffee and said, “After breakfast, I’m going to purchase some provisions and see if I can find a caravan heading to the capital. Pan, why don’t you take Tasha to the armorer? Those cloth rags aren’t helping you much in combat.”

  “Shoes?” Pan suggested.

  Tasha nodded. “I couldn’t agree more.”

  Her fuzzy slippers were not meant for cross-country travel. Her feet would thank her when she replaced them with footwear optimized for walking long distances over uneven terrain.

  Aralogos went off on his own while Pan and Tasha headed into the outpost. Bray was little more than a small walled-off village with an inn, an armorer, and an item shop. A smattering of houses dotted the perimeter.

  She was able to easily identify the shops based on the logos inscribed on signs above the stores. The armor shop had the engraving of a shield. The inn that she just left had two engravings—one of a bed and another of a mug since it doubled as a tavern. The item shop that Ari went off to had the engraving of a flask.

  One wall was lined with a row of outhouses. Tasha groaned. If there was one thing that she missed from Earth, it was consistent access to indoor plumbing. There were no lines, so she picked one and went in.

  Unlike the outhouses she’d seen from her own world, these consisted of a basin that was only a few feet deep, the bottom of which was completely clean and didn’t seem to have any obvious mechanism to use to dispose of the waste. It was nowhere near as cryptic as three seashells, but it wasn’t quite what she was used to.

  There was also a kennel area. Tasha stopped there after her bathroom adventures, wanting to check on Denver. The kennel was surrounded by walls designed to keep the raptors from wandering away. An angled roof covered one side and provided the animals some limited protection from the elements.

  About a dozen raptors were lazing about inside the kennel. A few of them were playing, taking turns chasing one another, but most were of them were resting. For a moment Tasha was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to recognize Denver amidst the multitude of dinosaurs, but she needn’t have worried. As she approached the kennel, Denver got to his feet and ran up to the edge of the fence to meet her.

  She patted him gently. “Hey, fella. You really helped me out yesterday.”

  “Buy a saddle?” Pan asked.

  “You mean I can ride Denver like a horse?”

  “What is… horse?”

  She thought back to yesterday and how he carried her away from the battle. If Tasha attached a saddle, she would be able to ride him much more effectively.

  “How much? Do you think they have one at the item store?”

  A dwarven man approached from inside the kennel. “Oy, human! Get away from the raptors, ya blistering idiot! If ya mess with the beastie, he’s liable to bite yer arm clean off!”

  “But this one is my raptor. He’s never bitten me.”

  “Oh, this is yur raptor, is it? And just what manner of digestibles have ya been feeding ’em? He looks like he hasn’t had a proper meal in weeks. Raptors can’t survive on whatever tree bark and dandelions ya’ve been givin’ him.”

  “Mostly pizza and cheeseburgers,” Tasha admitted. “At least for the last day or so. I don’t know what he had before that. I only just got him. You see, I found him in the reconstructed remnants of an ancient temple. He was encased in a magical layer of stone and—”

  “Cease yer prattling on, ya senseless dolt. If I had a GP for every fanciful story adventurers bring to me… Well, I figure I’d have at least several GP by now. Listen, ya need to feed yer raptor a more sensible diet. Either let ’em hunt fer his own food, or buy some raptor food. But listen to me: No more bread and no more cheese. Raptors are meat eaters and canna properly digest it. Freshly killed game is best.”

  “Okay, no more cheeseburgers. Got it.”

  Pan seemed to have vanished. Tasha could see her hiding ineffectively behind a tree, trying to shield herself from the clearly mentally unsound dwarf. Tasha wondered if the girl might have had the right idea.

  “Listen, is there somewhere I can buy a saddle?”

  “A saddle?” the dwarf said, somehow personally affronted. “Ya want a saddle? Ya have the look o’ someone who’s ne’er ridden before.”

  “No, I haven’t,” she admitted.

  “Better come wit’ me, then, an’ I’ll give ya a quick lesson.”

  Quest: Driver’s Ed

  Class: Sidequest

  A seemingly insane dwarf has offered to teach you how to ride.

  Conditions for success: Learn to ride a raptor.

  Conditions for failure: Don’t do that.

  Reward: 40 XP, right to purchase a saddle

  Accept or Decline?

  Who the hell was writing these quest descriptions? It must have been one of the Game Designer gods that Ari had told her about before. She tapped “accept,” since she had planned to do that anyway.

  The dwarf led Denver out of the kennel, and Tasha followed him to an open field enclosed by a wooden fence.

  The dwarf attached a saddle to Denver, and she got on. One of her horrible exes used to take her motorcycle riding, and mounting Denver wasn’t much different. Denver even helped by lowering his body as she tried to mount him.

  She took the reins and said, “Giddy up!” Nothing happened. “Hi-ho, Denver, away! Yip yip? Warp one, engage?”

  The dwarf sighed and told her that she was holding the reins completely wrong. He taught her how to use them to steer Denver’s head, which would control the direction the raptor moved. She could use the reins to adjust Denver’s speed.

  At the end of her half hour lesson, she had the basics of riding down. There was surely much more to learn, but this was enough to get her started. The quest completed, and Tasha happily accepted the free XP and paid 140 GP for the saddle. The dwarf assured her that she was getting a bargain, but truth be told, she had no idea what the value of money was in Etheria.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Tasha checked her menu. It showed that she had 510 GP remaining. She wasn’t really certain how much that was in relation to anything. What would the GP-to-dollar exchange rate be? Once she got an idea for the cost of things, Tasha could start making some sensible money decisions.

  Pan led her to the armor shop. There was a small clothier in the area, but she ignored it, deciding that protective clothing was more important. She also passed by an NPC merchant. Tasha was curious about the NPC, but Pan dragged her past as though the NPC wasn’t there. Apparently she’d have to investigate the NPCs of Etheria at another time.

  Tasha wanted something that would ameliorate her combat ability and maybe provide some protection. She was getting more than a little tired of just barely surviving enemy encounters on a day-to-day basis.

  As they walked, she regarded her torn and tattered bathrobe and sighed to herself. She loved that bathrobe. Well, Tasha had been Arthur Denting it up for long enough. It was time to buy some proper armor. Some chainmail with good full-body coverage would be nice.

  Pan led Tasha into the armor shop. The room was filled with different styles of armor hanging on racks set against the walls. She spied a suit of ornate heavy armor set atop a display pedestal. There was a glass display case that housed bracelets, chokers, and other various accessories.

  Finally, Tasha found what she had been looking for. Rows of footwear sat upon several rows of shelves. There were heavy iron boots, leather shoes, sandals, as well as a selection of more ornate shoes with high heels. Definitely not those. She would need something that she could move around in quickly.

  A beautiful black-skinned elven woman with ghost-white hair was reclined at the checkout counter, reading a book. This was the first elf that Tasha had seen in Etheria, and she did her best not to stare.

  Tasha couldn’t quite make
out the title of the book that the dark elf was reading, but it seemed to be some sort of romance novel, if the images on the cover were any indication. The cover art depicted a bare-chested over-muscled elven man posing majestically with his hair blowing in the wind. She could only guess where the wind was coming from, since he looked to be indoors.

  The beautiful elven woman looked up for a moment and locked eyes with Tasha. She screamed “Hey, Ramon! Customer!” and went back to reading her novel.

  Tasha turned back to the display and picked up a pair of leather shoes. They looked like they would be comfortable while allowing for some freedom of movement. As she looked at it, an info window appeared above it.

  Standard Running Shoes

  Class: Armor (shoes)

  Speed +3

  DEF +1

  Style +3

  Cost: 40 GP

  She turned and looked at a pair of women’s iron boots. Another info window appeared:

  Standard Iron Boots

  Class: Armor (shoes)

  Speed +1

  DEF +8

  Style +1

  Cost: 190 GP

  She wondered what the stat “Style” was. Maybe it worked in conjunction with her charisma score? Perhaps she needed a certain amount of style to get into fancy clubs.

  The other items seemed well outside her price range. But since she was presumably going to be meeting a king, she should at least look halfway presentable. Her funds were limited, so she chose the leather shoes and put the iron boots back on the rack.

  There was a section marked “Clearance,” but none of the items looked like they would suit her. There was some heavy armor and some gauntlets. There was also a green shirt. Tasha scanned it by focusing on it.

  Green Shirt of Translucency

  Class: Armor (shirt)

  Def +1

  Style -2

  Cost: 20 GP

  Effect: The shirt is partially translucent, causing the covered area to be see-through.

  Perhaps this had been a failed attempt at a shirt of invisibility. Whatever the case, it seemed to have no practical value whatsoever.

  As she examined the other items, a large elven man with a wide face and shoulder-length hair, presumably the lady’s husband, emerged from a back room.

  “Yes, sweetie?” he said.

  “Don’t sweetie me, Ramon,” she said. “We have a customer, and you’re just lounging around doing who knows what!”

  “I was forging armor for us to sell, my beautiful honey bunny,” he said.

  She held out her hand, silencing her husband. “Nope, don’t care. Just see what this human needs. I think it wants to buy some shoes. And remember to mind your manners in front of the customers.”

  Upon saying this, she leaned against the counter and went back to reading her book.

  “Yes, dear,” Ramon said and turned to Pan and Tasha. “How can I help you? I see you’ve picked out some shoes. Would you like to try them on?”

  Tasha tried on the shoes, and they fit her feet perfectly. They felt so much more comfortable than her poor bunny slippers. She felt as though she could actually run in them.

  Agreeing to the sale, she removed the 40 GP from her inventory by selecting the amount in her inventory screen. Four small silver ten-GP coins appeared in her hand. Being able to take out the exact amount she needed was certainly convenient. Each coin had a GP symbol on one side and the number “10” on the other. She handed the four coins over to Ramon, completing the sale.

  For a moment she wondered if she should have bartered for a better cost. Tasha had never been good at bartering, but maybe if she had a higher charisma score she could have worked out a lower price.

  “Can you show me some armor?” she said. “Something I can move in easily but offers some protection.”

  Ramon looked her over. “Ah, you’re gunblade user, huh? Hmmm… and a couch potato to boot. I would suggest light armor for you, but I’ll let you make that decision.”

  He pulled out a measuring tape and started taking her measurements. This made Tasha feel mildly uncomfortable, but she let him finish.

  “I think we have a few pieces that might work for you.” He exited through a door toward the back room to retrieve the armor.

  Pan was looking intently at a bracelet under the display case. Tasha walked up to the counter and took a look.

  Thief’s Copper Bangle

  Class: Accessory

  Chance to steal +25%

  Style +3

  DEF: 5

  Magic DEF: 3

  Cost: 600 GP

  Tasha could understand why the girl would want that. It would certainly be useful given her profession.

  The man returned a moment later with two suits of armor. He set them both upon a counter and showed her the first piece. The first item was heavy armor that would hamper her movement speed, so it wasn’t really an option. She examined its stats:

  Heavy Plate Iron Armor

  Class: Armor

  DEF: +24

  Speed: -4

  Fashion: +12

  Cost: 410 GP

  Having a defensive boost like that was appealing, but she had already decided on an agility build and wanted to be able to move about quickly. “This one’s not for me. How about something that doesn’t slow my movement speed?”

  “No problem,” said Ramon. “We’ve still got one more item that meets your class and level requirements.” He brought out a second suit of armor and placed it on the counter.

  “Now, this piece of light armor is designed with agility-type builds in mind. It’ll improve your movement speed while offering a modest amount of protection.”

  She examined the item, and a moment later the stat window appeared above the item:

  Light Chainmail Armor

  DEF: +8

  Speed: +2

  Fashion: +20

  Cost: 340 GP

  So the armor somehow improved her movement speed? It didn’t make logical sense, but she wasn’t about to complain.

  The armor was a collection of several pieces of chainmail, which had to be worn together as a set. The elven proprietor handed her the armor, and she took it from him. With her other hand, she opened her equipment screen and replaced the tattered bathrobe and PJs with the armor.

  It was certainly convenient and time saving not having to change her clothing manually. Purple threads of mist formed around her as her bathrobe vanished to be instantly replaced by her armor. At least there wasn’t a magical girl clothing-change dance sequence. One moment she was wearing her bathrobe and plain white shirt and short pants, and the next moment she was wearing a suit of chainmail armor. Spying a full-length mirror against the wall, she went over and looked at herself.

  For several minutes, she just stared at the armor in disbelief. Tasha had not properly seen the shape of the armor before equipping it so didn’t really know what to expect.

  She described the armor out loud. “It’s a chainmail bikini with a single piece of shoulder armor and several pieces of decorative lace.”

  She didn’t normally wear revealing clothing because of her natural body type. She had never been confident in her appearance, but with her stat-augmented body, she was able to make the outfit work. Female body armor in games was a bit of a pet peeve for her, though.

  It wasn’t actually uncomfortable—there was an inner lining that prevented her bare skin from coming into contact with the metal chains, but she couldn’t imagine wearing this for extended periods of time. She couldn’t even imagine wearing this monstrosity in public. It had the stats she wanted, and she could afford it, but why did it need to look this ridiculous?

  Pan was blushing. “You look f-fine.”

  “Thanks, Pan, but that’s not the point. The purpose of armor is to protect the wearer from being injured. What if the monsters decide to hit me anywhere but the chest area? This armor doesn’t make any sense!”

  “Of course,” said the elven proprietor, “we do our very best to minimize the armor
’s body coverage while maximizing its stats.”

  This didn’t make the least bit of sense to her. Was there something that she was failing to understand?

  “Can you explain that to me? How can the armor protect me if it doesn’t cover the areas I’m likely to be stabbed in?”

  “By increasing your defense stats, dear lady,” he said. “Consider this logically. Were the armor to cover the area where monsters are apt to hit you, the armor might get damaged. I pride myself in creating pieces of armor with high durability, and the only way I can do that is to ensure that it doesn’t get hit.”

  “I… see. So, you design armor specifically designed not to be hit,” Tasha said. “I suppose makes a bizarre sort of sense. It’s a bit… drafty, though, and it chafes just a bit. What if I catch a cold? Also, I don’t see men walking around wearing armor as revealing as this.”

  As if on cue, the door behind her opened, and an elven man walked in. He was wearing what could only be described as a pair of tight fur underpants that barely covered his private bits and featured a tiny plate chest piece held together by leather straps.

  “I stand corrected,” Tasha muttered, unsuccessfully trying to purge that image from her mind, but she couldn’t unsee it.

  The man who had entered walked over to them. “Fair day, friend Ramon. I have come because I wished to compliment you on this armor and perhaps pick up a matching headpiece.”

  “Of course,” Ramon said. “Let me take care of this customer first.”

  The dark-elf woman who was still buried in her romance novel said, “Don’t forget to take the human’s money. That’s the most important part of any business transaction.”

  “Yes, dear,” said Ramon. “I was just about to do that.”

  She removed the 340 GP from her inventory, and three large golden coins appeared in her hands along with four smaller silver coins. She handed them to the man.

  “Thanks for your purchase, miss,” Ramon said and turned his attention to the scantily clad elven man who wanted to buy a hat.

  Tasha and Pan left the store and stopped at the clothier, using the last of her meager supply of GP to purchase a set of traveler’s clothes and a pair of boots. At least this way she would only have to wear the armor during combat. The menu interface made it easy for her to change clothing simply by using the equip function, or she could set an armor loadout in one of the quick-slots on her HUD.