by Erik Rounds
“Yes,” said Kiwi, “we need a place to stay for tonight. Is there any chance we could rent a room?”
“This ain’t no hotel. We don’t have any rooms available to rent. Try the tavern in town. They might have something.”
“They’re already at full occupancy,” Kiwi said.
Ernest considered this for a moment. “You can stay in the barn with the chickens if you wanna. I’m still mighty grateful that you brought our beloved chickens back to their home. Oh, and please join us at supper. It’s the least I could do.”
“Yeah, that sounds great,” Tasha said.
The farmer had two young boys and one girl. They each looked like they would have been in kindergarten if they had been on Earth.
“This here’s my son Billy,” Ernest said. “My other son Bubba, and my sweet little daughter, Bobbi.”
“Hi, Billy, Bubba, and Bobbi. I’m Tasha, this is Slimon, and the lady is Kiwi.”
“You mean like Princess Kiwistafel?” Billy said. “Is she an elf? Is that the princess?”
Tasha mentally facepalmed. “Well, crap. Why didn’t we pick out nicknames beforehand? That would have made so much sense.”
“Princess,” Billy said, “will you marry me when you become the queen? When we’re married, can we live in the castle?”
His sister Bobbi piped up excitedly. “Yesterday I killed two centipedes, three spiders, and two boblins. Pa says I’m going to reach level 3 in a few more weeks.”
Bubba butted in too. “Are you the guys who found all of our chickens? Last time I spent five hours tracking them all down. I’m going to take over the farm one day! I’ll have more chickens than everybody! I’ll breed an army of giant warrior chickens who follow my every command!”
Were warrior chickens really a thing on Etheria? It seemed plausible enough.
Bobbi flexed her muscles. “I want to choose barbarian as my primary class… that way I can kill monsters up close and personal.”
The farmer shut his kids up. “Okay, enough with yer jabbin’! Give our guests some breathing room.”
The princess turned to each child in turn. “Bobbi, barbarian is a fine class choice. Bubba, I wish you the best of luck with your… future career as a chicken farmer. And Billy, I fear my heart belongs to another.”
That evening, Sally served up fried chicken with baked potatoes. By the time everyone finished eating, the sun had already set. Tasha had just said goodnight and was about to go to the chicken coop to get some sleep, but Ernest stopped her.
“Uh, just wait for a minute. Before you go to sleep, I need to slaughter all the chickens. It’ll only take me a few minutes.”
A horrified look came over Tasha’s face, and her eyes went wide.
“Wait, what are you talking about? You mean those chickens we spent all afternoon collecting? The ones you called your ‘beloved chickens’?”
“Yep, those are the ones! We slaughter them about once a week. Then we have to go round them up every time they respawn at the save point. What, did you think fried chicken grew on fried chicken trees or something? Bah, youngins these days. And doncha’ worry yer bleeding heart. I’ll be humane about it.”
Muttering to himself, he left the house fingering his hatchet.
Ignoring the sounds of the chickens being slaughtered, she was about to challenge Billy to another round of cards when Bobbi came up to her. “Can you read us a bedtime story?”
“Sure,” Tasha said. “what kind of story would you like?”
“One I haven’t heard before,” said Bobbi.
That night, she told them the story of Rumpelstiltskin and the girl who spun straw into gold and had to guess the man’s name to save her firstborn. They all listened attentively. Even Kiwi and Slimon listened in, for this was a story that they had never heard before.
After the story was done, Farmer Ernest came in and declared, “Chickens’re dead! You can go to bed now. Just avoid the puddles of blood. Don’t wanna get yer fancy new clothing all stained.”
“Good night, Ernest,” Tasha said.
The company went to the chicken coop and tried to go to sleep. The only chickens remaining were the three riding chickens that they had purchased earlier that day. At some point through the night, a few of the now revived chickens wandered in and went to their compartments.
♦ ♦ ♦
Back at the tavern, one of the human patrons set his martini down on the counter and drunkenly hobbled to the bulletin board. There was a wanted poster that caught his eye. It was an elven woman with green hair. He squinted in the hopes that doing so would cure his inebriated state for long enough to confirm his suspicions. It didn’t work.
He tore the wanted poster off the wall and drunkenly zigzagged toward the save point. The save point would cure his inebriation, which would suck, but he had a strong suspicion that he’d seen this girl running around town messing with some chickens.
He stepped on the save point and was immediately cured of his inebriation. Justin hated sobriety more than anything else, but he had to look at the wanted poster with clear eyes to be sure. It read “Wanted: information leading to the capture of Kiwistafel Questgiver. If sighted, do not engage. Send a messenger swallow with the information to Captain K’her Noálin. Payment will be made if the information leads to her capture. Captain K’her always pays his debts.”
It was her, the man was sure. He went to the post office, and a sleepy man handed him a tiny capsule, and he inserted a quickly scribbled message before handing it back.
The post officer read the label. “This is going to… Captain K’her Noálin. We’ll have to use one of our higher-level birds since it’s a person rather than an address. That’ll be 140 GP.”
That much GP would have been enough to keep him drunk for a week, but Justin grudgingly handed the money over. It would be worth the cost if the captain caught her and made good on the bounty.
The man at the counter cleared his throat as Justin turned to leave. “Just so you know, smarter customers recognize this as a tipping situation. Just so you know.”
Justin ignored him. Having sent the message, he made his way back to the tavern to find a cure for his unhappy state of sobriety.
Chapter 31
Knight of Ghosts and Shadows
Early the next morning, Tasha set out with her companions. Their hopes that Pan would show up on her own had not come to fruition. Tasha hooked Denver and the chickens up to the carriage and took the driver’s seat. Since they now rode in a covered wagon, they no longer avoided the main road.
Denver didn’t seem to have any problem getting along with the riding chickens, despite what was most likely a predator-prey relationship. The covered wagon wasn’t in the best condition, which explained why Mr. Belly was willing to give it up for free.
They didn’t encounter any flying monkeys, but if there had been any, all that could have been seen from the air would have been a covered wagon being driven by a human peasant.
The following few days were largely uneventful as they settled into the routine of daily travel. They would wake up, have breakfast, ride, and go to sleep. Kiwi and Tasha took turns driving the carriage. Monsters weren’t a problem on the road, as every few hundred meters there would be a lamp post enchanted to repel the mist. Kaze followed them overhead and from a distance so as to avoid drawing attention to the group.
Since Pan still had Tasha’s smartphone, Tasha spent most of her time reading through the books that she’d borrowed from the library. She had made it halfway through a paperback book titled An Idiot’s Guide to Crafting when Slimon got everyone’s attention with an abrupt warning of “Pfffpt!”
Using a tentacle, he pointed toward to the horizon on the right. In the distance were a number of dots set against the blue sky. Tasha and Kiwi stood outside the carriage. Tasha turned to her friend. “Princess, what do your elf eyes see?”
The princess looked confused. “Tasha, elves don’t have long distance vision.”
Tasha smile
d awkwardly. “Yeah, okay, sorry. It’s just a meme.”
Kiwi shook her head. “I don’t think it was mean, but I can’t see any further than you.”
“No, not mean, I— Never mind.”
“Now if you’d asked what my elf ears hear, that would make sense. Elves have amazing ears.”
If Pan were here, she could have used her spyglass, but Tasha didn’t have anything like that. Eventually the dots came into focus, and she could make out their shapes.
“I see zeppelins. An entire fleet of airships, and they’re coming this way.”
Kiwi backed away in trepidation. “It’s the pirate king, K’her Noálin! He must be here for us. We need to hide.”
Unfortunately there were no obvious places to conceal themselves. The terrain was flat as far as the eye could see. There was a forest in the distance, but it would be hours before they were anywhere near it. The fleet of airships was closing in at an unnatural speed, despite sailing against the wind.
“Pffpt,” said Slimon sadly.
“Slimon’s right. There’s nowhere for us to hide.”
“Then can we fight?” Tasha said.
Kiwi shook her head. “Not against his entire fleet. K’her Noálin himself is an orb bearer which makes such a contest all but unwinnable.”
Tasha ran to the harness that bound Denver and the riding chickens to the carriage and rapidly set them loose. “Denver, you have to go now. Go back the way we came, to that farming village. Kaze, go with him. If we’re captured, we’ll be counting on you to rescue us.”
The steam dragon was nowhere in sight, but usually he could pick up on thoughts directed at him. He was probably somewhere circling overhead. Still, she was uncertain whether the dragon had heard her. The chickens ran off, and after hesitating, Denver joined them.
Minutes later, the fleet of airships had encircled the sky above the wagon. A small hovering boat descended and landed on the ground before them. The dark elf K’her Noálin stepped out of the boat along with a team of humans.
The dark elf tipped his pirate hat. “Greetings, Yer Highness. The queen sends her regards.” He turned to his minions. “Take her into custody.”
The pirate minions were all level 30 and above. They took the three heroes captive without any trouble.
“If it’s an issue of money,” the princess said, “the kingdom will double whatever offer Queen Murderjoy has made.”
“I’m afraid not, Yer Highness. As tempting an offer that be, I shan’t be crossing the queen this day.”
He walked to Tasha. “So, ye are the player o’ legend. Somehow I expected ye ta be more impressive.”
“What about the slime?” one of the minions asked.
“Kill it. There be no market fer slimes in Zhakara. T’would be a liability and naught else.”
“Pffpt!” cried Slimon as one of the pirates jabbed his lance through his membrane and into his glowing core, killing him instantly.
“No!” Kiwi fell to her knees, tears running from her eyes.
The captain frowned. “Show some dignity, Yer Highness. I don’t envy what the queen will do to ye. Ye should consider it a kindness that I spared the slime lover o’ yers of that same unhappy fate.”
Tasha and Kiwi were moved to the runabout and ferried onto the captain’s ship. It had a wide wooden base held aloft by a large balloon.
“Welcome aboard me vessel, princess. This be the Rhiannon, flagship of the Noálin pirate group. I hope the accommodations be to yer liking.”
Tasha was brought into a small room where she was strapped to a chair by several human pirates. They were raggedy-looking men, each of whom boasted a scruffy, unkempt beard.
Her head and torso were strapped against the chair tightly, so she couldn’t move. She resisted and called them all manner of unsavory things while they restrained her until one of them stuffed a gag into her mouth.
The smaller pirate squinted at her. “We’re gonna take everything in yer inventory. This’ll go much smoother if ye don’ resist.”
Attached to the chair in the right side was a metal arm with several movable joints that held a glass panel etched with markings. One of the pirates swung the arm so that it was just in front of her. Some of the etchings just about matched up with her HUD icons.
The larger of the two pirates moved her hand so that it touched one of the etchings and swiped upward, opening her menu. From there, he forced her to tap at various points, selecting and dropping every object from her inventory. It took them half an hour to go through everything she had.
“This loot was barely worth the effort,” complained the small pirate examining her two gunblades, Namaka and Grasscutter, as well as her spidersilk armor. “Thanks for your contribution, meager as it was.”
They unbound her from the chair and brought her to the brig, where Captain K’her was waiting for her. It was a jail cell with thick iron bars. Kiwi was brought in a few minutes later, and they were both tied to the wall with their hands bound behind them.
“Don’ even think about escape. For the duration o’ the flight, ye will both have yer hands bound so ye can’t operate yer menu or be castin’ any spells. Someone will be in ta spoon feed ya in a few hours. Enjoy the trip.”
Tasha was left alone with Kiwi in the cell. For a long time, Kiwi sobbed silently. Tasha wanted to comfort her friend but didn’t know what to say.
Every so often a pirate would come in and check on the prisoners, but for the bulk of the time, they were left alone.
The position she was in wasn’t comfortable, but neither was it torturous. She had little freedom of movement and no access to her hands.
“I’m sorry about Slimon,” Tasha said. “I know he means a great deal to you.”
Kiwi blinked the tears from her eyes. “No, it’s okay. Slimon has probably already respawned at the save point. At least I know that he’s safe.”
Tasha struggled against the restraints. “There’s got to be a way out of this cell.”
For the next few hours, she tried to touch the “Open Menu” icon with her nose, but it wasn’t even close. If her feet were free, she might have used her toes, but she couldn’t move more than a few inches from the bench. Tasha screamed as she struggled against the iron manacles, but she was unable to escape.
Defeated, she collapsed back into the bench. “It’s hopeless. I can’t move a bit. You?”
Kiwi’s eyes began to glow white but then dimmed. “No. I can’t cast my spells without the use of my hands.”
Then Tasha had another idea, but it wasn’t a good one. “Maybe I could dislocate my thumb. I once saw this online video of a guy who escaped from handcuffs by doing that.”
It turned out that intentionally dislocating her thumb was more difficult than she had hoped. She struggled with this for some time before Kiwi interrupted her efforts.
“Um… Tasha, did that box just move?”
Tasha stopped and looked toward the wooden crate that the princess was referring to. “No, princess, the box didn’t move. And do you know why the box didn’t move? Because it’s a friggin’ box. Wooden crates aren’t capable of self-agency.”
Tasha slumped back into the bench. “I’m sorry, Kiwi… I tend to get a bit edgy when attempting to break my own thumb.”
She thought back to the events of the past month. The new friends she’d made. She thought about Ari… He had become one of her best friends, but now she didn’t know what to think. Was he nothing more than a product of Pan’s imagination? And if he was no more than a fictional person, how much did that really matter? He certainly seemed to be real in every way that was important.
“I shouldn’t have been so hard on Pan before.”
“Don’t worry,” Kiwi said. “We’ll escape from this prison, and you can tell her. I don’t know how we’ll get out, but you’ll come up with something. I have faith in you.”
“Why would anyone have faith in me? I never have a plan. I don’t think things through. Not what I do. Not what I say. I sho
uldn’t have been so cruel to Pan.”
“It’s okay,” said the box.
“No, it’s not okay. I never think through the consequences of my actions. I hate the person who I’ve become. My original self was never like this.”
“Um… Tasha,” Kiwi said, “I think that box might be talking to you.”
“Don’t be stupid, Kiwi, boxes don’t ta—” She cut herself off mid-sentence in realization. “Pan?”
The wooden box lifted off the ground, and Pan stood up, setting the box aside. The small girl was dressed in pirate garb. She stepped toward the cage, eyes cast at the floor. “I’ll g-get you out.”
“Pan!” Tasha said. “How did you get here? I’m so sorry for what I said before. I was… just surprised and hurt.”
Pan had already picked the lock to the bars and was working on Tasha’s cuffs. “I’m sorry too.”
Tasha’s handcuffs came free. “Yeah, I’m still not sure I totally understand. Where’s Ari? Is he with you?”
Pan nodded. “He’s always with me.”
Tasha’s legs were now free of their bindings. Pan got to work on Kiwi’s cuffs.
“Thanks for coming back for us. But what are you doing here?”
“I’m a p-pirate now.”
She pointed at her name tag. It read “Assistant Director of Latrine Sanitation.”
“So… you took a job cleaning toilets… just in case we got captured?”
Pan nodded. “I b-brought your weapons and armor.”
Tasha didn’t notice before, but there were tears streaming down Pan’s face. “Pan, I still need you. Will you come with us?”
Pan’s face scrunched up, and she stopped holding back her tears. Tasha put her arm around her friend, comforting her. They stayed like that for several minutes before Kiwi cut in. “Not to make this all about me, but could you finish untying my hands before we get discovered?”
It was nearly five minutes before Pan was able to get control of her emotions. She used some kind of lockpicking ability, and Kiwi’s cuffs fell to the ground.
“We need to get out of here,” said Kiwi. “We’re probably already bound for Zhakara.”