Couch Potato Chaos- Gamebound

by Erik Rounds

  Pan nodded, wiping the last of her tears away.

  Tasha just shook her head. “No. You told me that the pirate captain was an orb bearer. The Orb of Air is on board this ship. This might be the best opportunity we’ll ever have to retrieve it.”

  Kiwi shook her head vehemently. “With just the three of us? That’s not possible. Captain K’her Noálin is an orb bearer, plus he’s a higher level than any of us. With the orb, he could probably hold off a small army.”

  “Level 47,” Pan confirmed.

  Tasha turned to Pan. “Then we don’t fight him. We just need to get the orb away from him and escape. Pan, can you use your steal ability against him?”

  “Yes,” Pan said. “I can t-try. He always wears it on an armband.”

  Tasha thought for a few minutes. “Okay, I’ve got a plan. Here’s what I’m going to need everyone to do.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  A pirate walked into the room. He was clothed in all manner of piratey attire, including a striped bandana with matching shirt. He unlocked the door and entered the cell.

  “Hello, ladies,” said the pirate. “It be dinner time. Nothin’ but the finest gruel for our honored guests.”

  Tasha and the princess were both cuffed to the wall. Tasha looked at the grayish beige sludge. “That sounds wonderful, really, but there’s something I’d like to discuss with the captain.”

  “And why would the captain be interested in anythin’ ye have to say?”

  “Because I know a secret that will make him rich.”

  “Oh ho! Well, in that case, ye can tell me the secret, and I’ll pass it on to him.”

  “I can’t tell you because it’s a secret. I’m sure your captain will be grateful to you for telling him once he finds out what it is.”

  “Fine, I’ll pass on yer message. First thin’s first, though. Open your mouth and say ‘ah!’”

  After being spoon fed some of the worst and only gruel she’d ever had in her life, the pirate locked the cell back up and left the room.

  “Do you think he’ll get the captain?” Kiwi asked.

  “I hope so,” Tasha said. “I’d hate to have eaten that gruel for nothing.” Her menu was still open in front of her, but she did her best to pretend it wasn’t there.

  Twenty minutes later, Captain K’her Noálin entered the brig accompanied by two of his minions.

  “Good evening, ladies. I hear tell that ye’ve got some profitable information to impart. It be me personal ethical policy not to turn away from the possibility o’ profit. Now, what have ye ta tell me?”

  “Can you ask your men to wait outside?” Tasha said. “This secret isn’t something you would want known by everyone.”

  “Normally I’d suspect ye of some deceivery, but I checked those cuffs meself. Aye. Bruno, Jackie, wait fer me outside. I’ll deal with the prisoner meself.”

  The two pirates obediently left the room and shut the door behind them.

  “Now,” he said, “what be this secret? If this be a trick, I promise retribution. I can tell if ye be lying to me.”

  “It’s a skill specific to players,” Tasha said. “I have the ability to rapidly level people. If you let me go, I can help you become the highest leveled person on the planet in a matter of months.”

  “Arr… that be a mighty boon, indeed. If ye will do this, I might consider not turnin’ ye over to the queen o’ Zhakara. As fer the princess… her fate be sealed. She be bound fer Murderjoy’s castle.”

  Tasha nodded. “I… I understand. It’s enough that you let me go. Sorry, princess, it’s nothing personal.”

  “No!” cried Kiwi. “How could you… You betrayer! I cared about you, and you’ve turned on me in my hour of need. Oh, why has this sad fate befallen me? Now I am surely doomed.”

  Tasha clenched her teeth. The princess was overplaying her part.

  “Arr, yer heart be as black as me own. We have an accord, that is, if ye can deliver. What do ye be needing me to do? I assume ye want me to undo yer cuffs.”

  “In a moment,” Tasha said. “Just come a bit closer and sit on the floor in front of me.”

  The pirate captain looked at Tasha with suspicion in his eyes but did as she said. He sat cross-legged on the floor.

  “Now hold out your right arm,” Tasha said.

  The captain held out his right arm. As he did so, a man who hadn’t been there a moment earlier grabbed his wrist, holding it in place. Kiwi removed her hands from the cuffs effortlessly and cast her grasping vines on the captain, locking him into place.

  In one fluid motion, Tasha invoked her Stat Shuffle ability, put everything into strength, and tapped the confirm button. With the level difference between her and the pirate captain, she would barely be able to do any damage at all, but by boosting her strength as far as she could, she would nullify the difference between her strength and his defense.

  Quickly invoking her “To the Pain” skill, she sliced downward, cutting into the dark elf’s arm. Her second hit cut it off entirely. As the arm fell to the ground, the light from the orb diminished until it was nothing but a dim point. Tasha slashed sideways at the man’s head, but as her dexterity was back to a sad two points, she missed entirely and hit him in the shoulder. Still, each strike cut into his heart containers.

  “How?” the captain said, panicked. “How did ye get free?”

  The captain reached for the orb with his other hand, and it started to inch toward him as though he had the powers of a force master.

  “Steal!” cried Pan, and the man’s arm flew through the air and into Pan’s grasp.

  Finally, Tasha swung the sword, and it connected with his neck, dealing critical damage, taking the remainder of his heart containers. The captain died instantly. Captain K’her’s body fell limp to the floor as his decapitated head rolled into the corner.

  Victory! All enemies have been vanquished.

  3975 experience gained. (1440 to next level)

  Level up!

  Level up!

  You have reached level 26.

  You have 8 unassigned stat points.

  She’d hit level 26, gaining two levels due to the massive level difference between her and the pirate. She took both heart containers and threw everything into agility, bringing it up to 38. At the moment, she was still under the effects of Stat Shuffle.

  “That worked better than expected,” said Ari, who had been holding the captain.

  Whatever deity governs Murphy’s Law must have been paying attention, because the room began to shake. The door opened, and the two pirate guards who had been waiting outside came in. “Captain! The ship! It be going down!”

  Kiwi cast a lightning bolt that arced between the two pirates, knocking them back. The ship began to tilt forward, and the door flew open. The two pirates fell through the open door and down the hall. The ship was angling back and forth. Finally, the party made their way onto the deck and saw that the ship was rapidly falling toward the forest below.

  Tasha looked up and saw Kaze attacking the balloon that held the ship aloft in the air. He circled around it, blasting it in multiple places with directed jets of high-pressure steam. The dirigible was leaking from multiple points and was losing altitude at a fast rate.

  “Everyone, use your parachutes!” Tasha yelled. She hadn’t planned on using them until after they’d snuck off the ship, but that no longer seemed to be an option. Pan had given everyone some parachutes that she’d liberated from the ship’s supply.

  Tasha equipped her parachute via the menu and jumped over the Taffrail on the side of the ship. She pulled on the ripcord as soon as she was clear. When she did this, her descent abruptly slowed. The out-of-control airship continued to lose altitude and less than a minute later, crashed into the forest below. Kaze was already attacking another of the ships, and the rest of the pirate armada had broken off and was in retreat.

  Kiwi and Pan were both descending slowly to the ground in the distance. Pan seemed to be extremely agitated, but Tasha f
elt fine. If she ever returned to Earth, she resolved to take up skydiving.

  When she finally hit the ground, she unequipped the backpack and discovered that she’d gained another two levels. According to her stat log, she’d earned experience points for everyone who died in the handful of ships that Kaze had destroyed.

  So indirect actions can lead to XP gain as well as direct actions. Good to know.

  She quickly located Kiwi and Pan. Pan had curled up and was holding her legs in her hands, rocking back and forth. “The sky is scary… the sky is scary…”

  Tasha took the Orb of Air from Pan’s pack, and the moment she touched it, the wind bit into her hand, leaving a bloody gash. She dropped it with a yelp, and it fell to the ground, rolling to a stop.

  Light swirled in a circle, and Ari materialized in front of her.

  “Ari! I don’t understand. Where did you come from?”

  He opened Pan’s clenched fist, revealing bloody cuts similar to the one that Tasha received from touching the orb. He gave her a potion, but she kept on muttering, “The sky is scary…”

  “Pan summoned me by instinct. She’s been doing that since she was a newborn infant. Her mother was a cruel woman who abandoned her deep in the forest. Pan had no caretaker, so she summoned one. She’s been summoning me repeatedly ever since.”

  Then he told her the story about how Pan had summoned him and how he became her adoptive parent. About growing up in Zhakara, their quest to find Libra, and the events which led them both to the Temple of the Player.

  Tasha listened carefully until Ari was finished with his tale. Tasha crossed her arms, “Why the deception? Why not just tell everyone? Why not tell me? I might have understood.”

  “Habit, I suppose. She was born in Zhakara, where humans are taught never to show weakness. The one time she told someone, an entire village attacked and killed her. Maybe they were afraid, maybe they were jealous, maybe they just wanted an excuse to kill someone. Zhakara has no laws to prevent that sort of behavior.

  “She changed her main class to thief and set caster to her subclass. I’ve been posing as her father since she was young.”

  “Ari…” Tasha said, “I’m sorry to ask, but… are you real or just a figment?”

  “That depends on what you mean by real,” Ari said. “I’m self-aware. I can think.”

  “But you have no existence outside of Pan’s imagination.”

  “No, I don’t. Listen, I’ve been dealing with this existential crisis for a long time. I’m the dream whose substance depends on the dreamer. As far as I’m concerned, I’m real person. At least I will be for the next year.”

  “Why, what happens next year?”

  “Pan will become an adult and lose the ability to summon. When that happens, I will disappear for the last time.”

  Tasha thought back to when they first met. “Your quest. The cure that you are seeking. It was never for Pan. This entire time it was for you. I had assumed she wanted to cure her autism, but that wasn’t it at all.”

  Pan slowly got to her feet. “No. I d-don’t want to cure it. I need it. It’s who I am. Without it, I wouldn’t be me.”

  “So you want to find a way to make him real so he doesn’t disappear.”

  Ari nodded. “I’ve been in existence for most of her life, and I would prefer to keep living. Pan feels the same way.”

  “I still say you should have told me before. I would have understood.”

  “Maybe so. That’s the thing about lies—the longer you keep telling them, the harder it is to admit.”

  Tasha thought back to the Webwood Forest those many months ago. “Back in the Webwood Forest when you rescued me from the Spider Queen, you died, didn’t you?”

  “Yes, that’s true. The mob killed me while Pan and Denver carried you to the inn. Dying is never pleasant, but I’d rather die than see someone I care about suffer that fate.”

  “What about your arm? Those times at night when you begin to fade away. Like back at the castle before the council of nations when your hand became transparent.”

  Ari looked down at the ground. “When Pan is asleep, sometimes it’s hard for me to remain summoned. You need to understand that on one level, Pan and I share different partitions of the same mind. When she is asleep, her mind relaxes. You saw the results—my body begins to fade away. Tasha… you and I, are we okay?”

  “Yeah,” said Tasha, “we’re okay. But no more secrets from now on.”

  “I promise,” said Ari.

  Another ten minutes passed before Kaze returned and landed beside them. I was able to sink another three ships! Most of them got away, though.

  Tasha hadn’t gotten any additional experience, probably because he was out of range. She helped Pan to her feet. “Well done, Kaze. We should get away from here in case the rest of the pirates change their minds about running away.”

  Kiwi tapped at her menu interface. “According to my menu, we’re about a hundred miles to the southeast of Slime’s Row. We should head there and meet up with Slimon.”

  It took just over a week of travel across the open terrain for the company to make their way back to Slime’s Row. When they finally arrived, they were overjoyed to find that Slimon was waiting there with Denver and the chickens. He had even secured them a new covered wagon. The fellowship of friends had been nearly restored, all but for Hermes.

  Chapter 32

  Scheming Schemers and the Schemes They Scheme

  The queen’s personal guard dragged K’her Noálin, a man once known as the pirate king, into the queen’s chamber. Fire and disappointment were reflected in her eyes.

  “What is this? What has become of my captain?”

  K’her tried to stand up, but one of the guards jabbed him in the back of the knee, forcing him back down onto the marble floor.

  “Me queen. The orb was pilfered from me by the player. I beg of ye… help me get it back.”

  Queen Murderjoy looked at him with barely restrained disgust. “You beg of me? Where is your strength? Your dignity? Without the Orb of Air, is this all you are?”

  “Please, help me. I thought ye were me friend.”

  “Friend?” Murderjoy shrilled. “Did you just say friend? Friendship is the ultimate form of weakness and servitude. There are no friends in my country. There are only people who use others and people who are used by others. Until now, your power was equivalent to mine, and you were useful to me, but that is no longer the case.”

  The pirate continued to plead his case. “If ye help me recover it, I’ll have me power back and will be profitable to ye once more.”

  The queen spat at his feet. “I am disgusted by the weak person you have become. Begone from my sight. If you set foot in my country again, I’ll have you drained of levels and made into a slave.”

  He was dragged from the throne room and a moment later disappeared from sight. Had she been too harsh? No. In truth, she’d been too merciful by letting him go. She meant to install a morality of self-interest in her people, and she could only do that by example.

  A messenger arrived in the throne room. It was a teenage girl with brown pigtails. She looked vaguely familiar, but Aralynn couldn’t decide from where. The girl approached and knelt before her.

  “Your Majesty, I have a message for you. It arrived by swallow just minutes ago.”

  “Well?” demanded the queen. “Is it good news or bad news?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t read it.”

  “Then read it to me now. I don’t have all day.”

  She opened the message. “It’s from the town of Slime’s Row in the Slime Federation. The letter is from a human farmer named Justin. It reads ‘Player Tasha and Princess Kiwistafel are both in the town of Slime’s Row. They were staying at the Belly Acres farm. Please send GP as payment for this information.’”

  “A human demands payment of me? How dare he!” exclaimed the queen angrily.

  The messenger girl winced, expecting a quick death, but nothing happene
d. She just stood there for several awkward moments. The queen was off script today. “Um… Your Majesty? Aren’t you going to incinerate me for bringing you news that made you angry?”

  “What’s the point?” said Queen Murderjoy sadly, slumping back into her throne. K’her’s fall from grace had affected her more than she would have liked to admit.

  The girl was having none of that. As a professional bad-news-giver and a resurrection addict to boot, she couldn’t accept this turn of events. This encounter was not meeting her expectations. “Your Majesty, fire magic is your thing. It’s your personal trademark. Your fans have come to expect it.”

  “Oh, I’m not so sure anymore,” said the queen despondently. “I mean, what’s the point of it all? Don’t you think people are becoming desensitized to it?”

  “Maybe you just need to try something new. Like killing the messenger in unique and interesting ways.”

  “Okay, I’ll try it,” said the queen, though it looked as though her heart wasn’t in it. “Thanks for trying to cheer me up, anyway. Um… Guard! You, there with the nose. Have this girl defenestrated at once!”

  A panicked look came over the girl’s face. “Defene-what? What does that mean? What does that mean?”

  The guard grabbed the girl by the arm and took her to the far end of the room. Lifting her up, he threw her out the window, sending shattered glass with her into the courtyard far below. And that’s how Paula learned the meaning behind the word “defenestrated.”

  The queen turned to the large-nosed guard. “Well done, Stanly, but in the future be sure to open the window before throwing people out of it.”

  He looked sheepish. “Sorry, my queen. I just thought—”

  “You thought what?”

  “Well, it’s just that if I opened the window first, that might have ruined the excitement of the moment. Defenestration should be visibly exciting.”

  “Very well then, you have a point. Run off and summon my advisors. We have something to discuss.”

  The guard left her to fetch them, and the queen sat on her throne and stewed in her thoughts. Finally, several old men entered her throne room. The queen focused on the eldest of them.