Couch Potato Chaos- Gamebound

by Erik Rounds

  The waitress came over and gave Tasha a beer. “The lady over there ordered this for you.”

  Tasha looked in the indicated direction. There was an elderly woman sitting alone in the corner. Tasha thought that there was something familiar about the woman, but she couldn’t place it. The ancient white-haired woman approached. “May I join you? You and I have something to discuss.”

  Tasha racked her memory, trying to place the woman, but nothing came to mind. She’d met many people since arriving, however, so it was possible that she had simply forgotten.

  “I’m sorry, ma’am, have we met?”

  The woman took the seat opposite her and leaned forward. She swiped her left hand over her face, which changed to reveal the woman’s true form. Tasha recognized her instantly. It was the face of Queen Aralynn Murderjoy. The woman swiped her hand over her face in the other direction, restoring her earlier disguise.

  “You!” Tasha exclaimed, jolting back. “What are you doing here? How did you get into the city?”

  “How did I get in?” Murderjoy repeated mockingly. “You ask like getting into the city is hard. I just put on this disguise, and they let me straight through. I’m just an old apple seller going about her business. Brightwind’s security is hilariously bad. But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

  Remembering how she had convinced a guard to make an abrupt career change, she realized that the queen had a point about Brightwind’s lackluster security.

  “Why are you here? You must be angry from before. Are you here to for revenge? Do you intend to kill me?”

  “No,” the queen said, “I’m not going to kill you. In fact, I’m counting on you to gather the remaining orbs. If that damn elven king is to be believed, that might be the only way to deal with that snake in the sky and terminate that blasted contract.

  “To that end, I wanted to let you know that when the time comes, I will allow you to borrow the Orb of Fire. So long as you understand that it belongs to me, I’ll let you use it to summon the Hallowed Chapel. When the time comes, I’ll be there.”

  Tasha frowned. “That’s unexpectedly reasonable of you. It makes our quest seem that much more achievable.”

  “I can be reasonable. You can’t get far as a queen if you can’t display reason when absolutely necessary.”

  The queen signaled the waitress to bring her another drink.

  Tasha picked up her beer and took a sip. “Even so, why tell me in person? Why not just send a letter to King Questgiver or tell him yourself?”

  “That brings me to my second reason for coming here.” A smile crossed the queen’s face. “I needed to see you in person. You see, I need you to bring Princess Kiwi to me.”

  Tasha laughed out loud, though she later realized that it may have been unwise. One should never laugh at an insane evil queen who wants you dead. In the days that followed, she would often think on that simple piece of wisdom.

  “You’re kidding, right? After the lengths we’ve gone through to keep her safe, you think I’m just going to turn the princess over to you?”

  The queen just smiled and nodded. “That’s exactly what I expect.”

  “I wouldn’t do that. I’m her friend.”

  “Her friend?” Murderjoy sneered. “We Zhakarans understand that friendship is weakness, and love is the ultimate form of subservience. You would be wise to take that lesson to heart.”

  Tasha got to her feet, pushing away from the table. “I don’t have to listen to this. Love and friendship fills us with purpose. It gives us something to strive for beyond our own petty desires. Love makes us stronger, not weaker.”

  “Is that what you think? Then I’ll show you just how weak your so-called ‘friendship’ can make you.” The queen’s eyes glowed white, and she pointed at Tasha with her right hand. “Greater Charm Person!”

  Tasha was momentarily surrounded by a light glow. For a single terrifying instant, she understood what had happened, but then her mind was overcome by a rush of confusion and unclarity. That confusion passed. She absently noticed the “charm” debuff marker that appeared on her HUD, but she paid it no mind. She felt perfectly fine.

  What had she been doing just now? That’s right, she was just talking to her very best friend in the whole world, Queen Murderjoy.

  Tasha took a seat. “Aralynn, you look troubled. Is everything okay?”

  “Hello, Tasha, my good, dear friend,” Queen Murderjoy said. “I’m concerned about Princess Kiwi, you see. I’m afraid that her enemies might get to her, and I wouldn’t be able to protect her.”

  Tasha was deeply concerned by this news. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

  “Well, yes, there is. I’d like you to bring the princess to me. Have her leave the Orb of Life behind. I’m afraid it would just serve to draw out her enemies.”

  That seemed logical. Tasha would happily follow her dear friend’s instructions. Queen Murderjoy was only concerned for Kiwi’s welfare, after all.

  “I’ll go get her right away, Aralynn.”

  “I’ll be here. By the way, don’t let her know that I’m the one who sent you. Let’s let that be our little surprise,” the queen said with a smile.

  Tasha got to her feet. She was lucky to have a friend like the queen. She was simply the best friend a person could have. Murderjoy was bae.

  Not wanting to waste any more time than necessary, Tasha ran for the castle. The guards let her through, as the princess had instructed them to. Tasha took the main elevator. The princess was probably in one of those endless meetings about whether or not the elves should assist with the attack on the Laundry Mountain.

  Tasha walked through a hallway and passed right by Snickers the Bumble, who was balancing upside-down on one hand. The clown winked at her as she passed. Tasha didn’t trust that man; in truth, he unsettled her. She walked past toward the war council. When she arrived, she met Kiwi standing in the hallway.

  “Kiwi, I’m glad I found you,” said Tasha. “Can you come with me?”

  “What’s wrong? I’m kind of in the middle of a strategy meeting.”

  “There’s a danger to your life. I’d like you to come with me. There’s no time to lose.”

  “Are you sure about that? What is the danger?”

  “There isn’t time to explain. Just come with me.”

  “Okay, Tasha. I trust you. We’re friends, after all.”

  The two made their way back the way she had come through the castle. They passed right by Snickers, who was chuckling to himself about something. Kiwi tried to pry more information from Tasha as they walked, but Tasha wouldn’t explain. Finally, they passed through the gates, and Tasha led the princess by the hand into the city. They reached the pub where her friend Queen Murderjoy was still waiting for their return.

  “You brought her to me,” said the queen. “I’m so very pleased.”

  The princess turned to Tasha. “Tasha, who is this? Why did you bring me here?”

  The elderly woman waved her left hand over her face, and her illusion vanished completely, revealing Queen Murderjoy in her regal splendor.

  A look of combined horror and shock came upon Kiwi’s face, but Queen Murderjoy held out her hand. “Sleep.”

  The princess fell to the ground.

  “Why did you put her to sleep?” asked Tasha.

  “So that I can take her with me to Zhakara, of course.”

  “And she’ll be safe there?”

  “No, of course she won’t be safe in Zhakara. Come and stand closer to me, Tasha.”

  Tasha approached her oldest and dearest friend, the queen.

  “You know what? Forget what I said earlier. I’m afraid that I’ve changed my mind. I’ve decided that I’m going to kill you after all.”

  The queen drew a dagger from a sheath at her side and plunged it deep into Tasha’s heart. The charm spell was instantly broken, and as Tasha bled out on the floor, she knew what she had done. The queen stabbed her twice more, and the remainder of her health van
ished.

  The last vision of Tasha’s third life was of the queen binding the princess and carrying her away.

  To be continued...

  Characters

  Ally

  An infamous cat burglar and member of the thieves guild. As a cat-person, she has a stat boost to her speed and stealth.

  When she isn’t robbing banks, kidnapping affluent citizens, and stealing national treasures, she likes to spend her time napping in the sun, playing mahjong, and drinking mai tais. She’s kind to those she considers her friends, though her sense of personal morality ends there.

  Ari (Aralogos) Branford

  A martial artist who travels with his daughter, aiding her on her quest. Though Pan isn’t his biological daughter, he has taken on the role of her father and has known her from a young age. His travels led him to the Temple of the Player, where he met Tasha. They quickly formed a close friendship.

  Ari is the level-headed leader of the group. He tempers Tasha’s impulsive nature by keeping a cool head and making rational decisions. His character class is Pugilist, meaning that he fights using unarmed martial arts.

  Although he appears to be a simple traveler, he has a mysterious past and hides a dark secret. Specifically, the way his hair self-organizes into anime-style triangular spikes without the use of hair gel. He claims it’s his natural hair style, despite the fact that hair simply doesn’t work that way.

  Billy Belly

  The youngest of Farmer Belly’s three children. Wants to marry the princess when he grows up.

  Bobbi Belly

  Farmer Belly’s daughter. Wants to travel the world as a barbarian when she grows up.

  Borgrim Deathhammer, Prosecutor

  The district attorney who is assigned to prosecute Tasha’s case after the Marketplace Massacre incident. He is feared as a prosecutor not only for his ability to find weaknesses in the defense’s arguments, but also for the magnitude of his shouting voice.

  After his defeat in court, he swears to bring the villain Tash-AH to face the iron hammer of justice.

  Bubba Belly

  One of Farmer Belly’s three children. Wants to become a beastmaster and train a horde of warrior chickens.

  Catalyst

  The eidolon of change who takes the form of a thunder cloud. Catalyst was the being responsible for bringing Tasha into Etheria and reconstructing the Temple of the Player.

  Charlotte

  A spider woman who sells armor in the capital city of Brightwind. She’s married and has a family of 341 children, most of whom live in the Webwood Forest with their father. Though she did kill and eat her husband after mating with him, he still maintains that the experience was worth it.

  Dourmal, King Under the Laundry Mountain

  Dourmal is Hermes’s father and lord of the mountain kingdom. During his administration, he oversaw the exile of the dragons from the mountain and has closed the mountain off to outsiders. Dourmal is an orb bearer, master of the Orb of Earth. He uses the orb to dig deeper and more greedily than any of his predecessors. He rules the mountain kingdom with an iron fist and keeps the dragon eggs as hostages to hold off the dragons.

  Recently, rumors have begun to spread among the hill dwarves that the Orb of Earth no longer answers to Dourmal. The king is rarely seen in public, and his staff handles most of the day-to-day operations of the mountain kingdom.

  Entropy

  The eidolon of destruction. He hates all forms of creation, including speech. His ultimate goal is the destruction of Etheria.

  Entropy appears in the form of a floating snake high above the planet. After striking a deal with the former elven king Lorien Questgiver, he agreed to stop taking the lives of those who died, allowing them to resurrect at the save points. In exchange, he would destroy the world 3,000 years later. This event gave rise to the third age of Etheria.

  As the mysterious menu clock ticks toward zero, Entropy inches closer and closer to the planet of Etheria.

  Ernest Belly

  The portly owner of the Belly Acres farmstead. He lives with his wife and three children, raising livestock and managing the fields. Every week after slaughtering his inventory of chickens, he cons some poor adventurer into rounding them up after they respawn.

  Gelkorus

  Chief among Queen Murderjoy’s trusted advisors. Gelkorus does most of the actual governing of Zhakara. He has learned to manage the queen’s random nature to a greater degree than anyone else.

  Henimaru the Toad

  A samurai toad-person who is on a quest to recover his children. Through a bizarre sequence of events, Tasha finds herself accidently married to Henimaru, though he promises it is only a marriage of convenience in order to get him into Zhakara without being taken as a slave.

  Hermes

  Prince Hermes is the son of King Dourmal and rightful heir to the mountain kingdom. When he was born, his father tried to kill him but only succeeded in cutting off his right arm. Since this happened before Hermes could be registered at a save point, his arm was removed permanently.

  Iolo Questgiver

  The current king of the Questgiver empire. He has been grooming his daughter, Kiwistafel Questgiver, as his successor. During his administration, Iolo opened the borders to the other races in an attempt to dissuade Zhakaran invasion and restore Questgivria’s dwindling population.

  He is married to Queen Kiwano Questgiver.

  Jak Singleton

  Tasha’s father, who died a decade before the events of Couch Potato Chaos. He was the one who sent her the game cartridge that brought her to Etheria. As a gamer and couch potato, he raised Tasha to follow in his footsteps.

  One of the previous players held the name Jak, Slayer of the Lich Queen. Tasha suspects that this other player was also her father.

  K’her Noálin

  K’her is a dark-elven sky pirate and master of the Orb of Air. He uses it to dominate the skies and conduct slave raids for Queen Murderjoy. He loves GP more than anything else and aspires to be the richest individual in Etheria.

  Lakuriel Questgiver

  The second king of Questgivria and father of Iolo Questgiver.

  Libra

  The eidolon of information, who appears as a fortune-telling puppet encased in a box of wood and glass. He appears here and there at unpredictable times and vanishes just as quickly. He will answer any single question posed to him and has never been known be provide inaccurate or misleading information.

  Lord Hempledon of Wilmarth

  The feudal lord who rules over Wilmarth. The title of lord is honorary and has no actual authority. His authority is derived from his superior level and wealth.

  He allows citizens to hunt mist monsters within his territory in exchange for 80% of any GP dropped. He has also instituted a charge for access to the city’s save point and NPC merchants and quest givers.

  Lorien Questgiver

  The first elven king. who led his people from the undying lands to Etheria, heralding the second age. For many centuries. he researched death and how death itself can be defeated. Only by striking a bargain with the eidolon Entropy did he find a way to end death’s hold over the elven people.

  Kiwano Questgiver

  King Iolo Questgiver’s wife and Kiwistafel’s mother.

  Mad Marina

  The mad elderly witch who resides in Wilmarth. She is a master of lightning magic, though her adventuring days are far behind her. The matter of her actual age is a matter of some debate, though most people are wise enough to have that debate when she isn’t within earshot. She takes in Ari and Pan when they first arrive in the city.

  Magus Savik D’hagma

  The high magus of Gothmër, land of the dark elves. He serves as Princess Kiwistafel’s magic instructor.

  Pan (Panella) Branford

  This young thief girl travels with her father on a quest which leads her to the Temple of the Player, where she meets and Tasha, who becomes her best friend.

  Pan has a number of debilitati
ng conditions that she has learned to overcome. She’s autistic and has trouble making normal conversation. It’s sometimes easier for her to write what she wants to say in her notebook.

  She’s also nearsighted, anemic, and has congenital muscular dystrophy, all of which contribute to her weakened physical state. She has managed to overcome her physical weaknesses somewhat through stat allocation, and the class choice of thief allows her to move quickly and silently.

  Princess Kiwi (Kiwistafel) Questgiver

  The crown princess of Questgivria, she has acquired a nasty habit of being kidnapped at the most inopportune times. After being rescued by Tasha, the two become close friends.

  She’s highly skilled at offensive magic, but her ultimate goal is to unlock the Sage class, which can cast both offensive and defensive magic.

  Queen Aralynn Murderjoy

  She is the mad queen of Zhakara and wielder of the Orb of Fire. She also bears the honor of being the highest level person in the whole of Etheria. She seeks to enslave the entire elven race and spread her own version of freedom throughout the world by force of arms. Her sanity is come and go at times, and many of her decisions are questionable at best, but her mastery of the Orb of Fire is beyond question.