Abner had taken the two older boys out to the barn, so she took a quick shower and climbed the stairs to the loft.
She had to use her flashlight app because there was no light. Bare wood floor and a small window. So low she probably couldn’t stand upright. Well, she’d go back down and find the blankets they’d packed in the car.
The boys were in, and she kissed them good night before putting her shoes back on.
“Where’re you going?” Abner asked from the sink where he’d gotten a drink of water.
“Getting blankets for upstairs. And I’ll get tomorrow’s clothes while I’m at it.” For herself and the kids and there was a list of things a mile long to do.
“Uh...”
She stopped. Abner didn’t usually have a problem speaking. So she knew whatever he was going to say was probably more difficult than usual. Putting her shoe down, she gave him her full attention.
He shoved his hands in his pockets. “I know it’s kinda late, but I thought maybe you’d like to walk around a bit?”
As she looked at him, light dawned. He cared what she thought. He wanted her to like it. Her opinion mattered to him.
That realization made her next words the truth. “I’d love to.”
His smile was worth it. She finished putting her shoes on. When she straightened, he put a coat around her shoulders.
“Rather than dig yours out,” he said.
“Thanks.” She shoved her arms in and closed her eyes. It smelled like Abner and all the good things from outside.
“Sleeping on your feet?”
She jerked her eyes open. “I guess.” Not exactly.
“Too tired?”
“No.”
He opened the door, and she stepped through. The air was crisp as it had been before, but she took the time now to lift her face to the sky and breath deep. It felt like her lungs were being cleaned out. Like the wholesome, unpolluted air drove out all the impurities that had been collecting in her body. Fanciful, probably, but that’s the way it felt.
“You should have a hat on. Your hair’s wet.”
“I should cut it.” Long hair was a vanity with small children.
“Don’t.”
“You don’t have to mess with it every day.”
“I get to look at it. It’s pretty.” He stepped off the porch and reached back, holding out his hand for her. “I’ll fix it. Just tell me what to do. I’ve done Luna’s.”
He had. And she loved watching that. There was nothing in the world more appealing to her than a man who was good with kids. Her kids. That’s why Abner was so dangerous to her heart.
She placed her hand in his and stepped off the porch. “I’ll hold you to that, then.”
He didn’t let go of her hand, and she didn’t pull it away.
They walked in silence to the corral and on to the barn. “There’s some holes in the floor, and it’s not really the shape to suit our purposes. It was built back when everyone baled small bales. The big bales we do now don’t really stack in here well.”
“You need to build another barn?”
“No. Not really. It’s cheaper to wrap the bales to protect them from the weather. Just chatting, I guess.”
“Keep chatting. It doesn’t always make sense to me, but I suppose I should learn.”
“I guess we’re both learning.”
She turned to him. Surprised. “I thought you knew about animals and farms and stuff.”
He grunted. “There’s always more to learn. I guess I meant...other things.”
“Like?” she prompted, completely lost.
They’d moved to the other side of the barn where there was a small fenced area. She had no idea what it was called or what it was for.
“Like...it seems like every time I try to tell you how I feel, you get mad at me or turn away.”
She opened her mouth, but he put a hand up.
“My fault. I know it’s my fault. But that’s what I need to learn.” He put a foot up on the railing and leaned on it. He spoke slowly, like he was looking for the right thing. “I want to learn how to talk to you, how to...”
She waited, and he sighed, frustrated.
“I thought, at the first bonfire we had, that I was doing pretty good. That you were laughing and seemed to like me. But then everything went bad, and I haven’t been able to figure out what I did or how to fix it.”
He turned to her. “If you went to Huntingdon, I thought about following you.”
She gasped.
“I was. Call me a stalker, call me crazy, I don’t know. Maybe it’s true. I just know I’ve been around all over, and there’s not a single woman anywhere that fits my heart like you.”
“You don’t know me. You don’t know who I am or what I’ve done.”
“I knew you before any of that.”
“I’ve changed.”
“I can see it. You’ve matured. Even your scent has changed.”
“My scent?”
He grinned and hung his head a little. “Yeah. It used to be like cotton candy, but it’s a little less sweet now, huskier or something. I don’t know. It drives me crazy. I smell it, and I just want to touch you.”
She had to laugh over that. “I can’t believe that. I’ve never seen you struggle.”
“I’m struggling now.”
Her eyes swept over him. “I don’t see it.”
“Maybe you’re not looking.”
She closed the distance between them, feeling confident. His words had given her that feeling. The fact that he cared what she thought and wanted to do right by her.
“I’m looking at you pretty close, and I still don’t see the struggle.”
He took his hands and held them up. Fisted. “I want to touch you. When you walk by. When you stand at the stove and laugh at something Luna said. When you yell at the boys for wrestling. When you bend over to kiss them good night. When you’re sweeping the floor. When you change diapers.” He closed his mouth like he would say more but felt he’d said enough. “It’s a constant struggle.”
“Now?”
“Especially now.”
She put a tentative hand on his chest and tried to swallow past the tightness in her chest. “Don’t struggle.”
He hissed out a breath. “I have to. I can’t give in because you think that’s all I want.”
She could see the fight in his eyes. Now. But they were honest and sincere, too.
“I’m not gonna lie,” he said softly. “I want that. Of course I do. But that’s not all I want.”
“What else is there?” She knew, of course, but she wanted to know what he would say.
“I want to know that you feel the same. If you don’t, then that there’s a chance you will. I want to know what I can do...to make you fall in love with me.”
She touched the top rail of the fence, for some reason not wanting him to know how she felt. “I don’t think you can make anyone do that.”
“Are you saying there’s no hope?”
He’d just shared so much. It wasn’t right for her to hide. She opened her mouth and pushed the words out before her brain could stop them. “I’m saying I like you a lot. It scares me how much. I’ve depended on men before, and it’s been a bust. I wanted to stand on my own two feet. And yet, here I am, dependent once more.”
He stared at her, as though processing what she’d said. Maybe he was trying to think of an argument. But there wasn’t one. It was how she felt. He couldn’t argue with feelings.
“So,” he said slowly. “You like me, but you want to be independent.”
“Yes.” It was a firm word. Abner wasn’t like any of the other men she’d been with, but that didn’t change the fact that she needed to be able to support herself and her children.
“Where does that leave us, then?” he asked, and he sounded sad. It hurt her heart and made her feel a nagging thought that maybe she was not making the best decision. But she knew she was. What could be better for her children than a mother who didn’t depen
d on anyone but herself?
“Well, we’re here.” She hadn’t thought any farther than that.
“And we’re married.”
Yeah. That was a little hard to remember. But she’d done it for Abner, and it could be annulled.
“You wanted to be friends,” she stated.
“You were against that.”
“Because I didn’t like you like a friend.”
Silence, like shocked silence, filled the air. Loud, big silence.
“How, exactly, do you like me?”
“I guess it is a little like a friendship, because I like to laugh with you and play with you and work beside you, but...” She took a breath, knowing that what she was going to say almost completely contradicted what she’d said before, and she didn’t know how the sides fit together, she just knew she was both. “I also liked kissing you.”
“I didn’t think you did.” His mouth barely moved, like she’d shocked him again.
“What made you think that?” She tried to remember what had happened to make him think that, but she couldn’t.
“I don’t know. You walked away. You didn’t talk to me. You seemed to avoid me.” He lifted a finger and ran it down her cheek. “I liked it so much, I guess I didn’t even have a clue what you were thinking.”
“Let me help you.” She took a breath, her logical thought telling her she was foolish to give away more than she had but her heart longing for him to know. “It was the best kiss I’ve ever had.”
“Me too,” he said simply, his hand lightly touching her cheek before sliding around and cupping it. “I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone else.”
She pressed her cheek into his hand, but her eyes popped open at his statement. “Have you?”
“I guess if we’re going to talk about my past, we should talk about yours, too.”
Her face fell, and she pulled back some.
“Don’t. Please.” His hand stilled. “I’m not holding anything against you, as I hope you don’t me, and it doesn’t matter. Won’t change a thing. But tonight, the waitress asked me if they were all my kids, and I didn’t even think about it. I said yes.” He ran his thumb over her cheekbone. “Are there going to be men who want to visit their children? Are we going to have to let them go? Who are these guys? I don’t even know. When she asked me that, I felt like I didn’t even know my family. And I want to. Even the bad and ugly parts.”
She stepped closer and put her arms around his waist, needed that comfort. He didn’t disappoint, of course, and wrapped her in his arms, pulling her to him and tucking her head under his chin. “It feels like you belong right here. Nothing has ever felt more right to me.”
“No other girls?” She pinched her mouth closed.
“What if I don’t want to admit what I have or haven’t done?”
“Me either.”
“That probably means we should.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Let’s do that some other time.”
“That’s a great idea.”
“I don’t know what we’re going to do about the other, though.”
She sighed, snuggling closer. “Yeah. I don’t know either.”
“Can we think about that?”
“Yeah. We’ll talk about that later, too.”
Chapter 17
The next day was busy as they unpacked the cars and Cora took care of all the kids’ clothes and things.
He helped her some, more by carrying Luna around with him and having the boys out from underfoot. He measured and did some figuring, then ordered lumber, hardware, and metal, and made some phone calls.
Sometimes it was annoying how fast gossip traveled in a small town, but at other times, like this, it was helpful. He’d have a few guys here tomorrow when the lumber came, enough to help him dig holes and set the footers in ready-mix cement, then the next day, there’d be an army and he’d have it under roof.
He had one more phone call to make, but he was saving it for lunchtime when he knew Jeb would be in.
Cora had smiled at him today. He thought maybe their talk last night had cleared the air between them some. He’d admitted to some things that had been hard, but he couldn’t expect to reap benefits without taking a risk. True in business and true in life and relationship. Not that he was any expert on relationships. Far from it.
But he did think that he’d made some progress with Cora.
So, it kind of took him by surprise when he left the boys outside picking up rocks and came in to make his call. Cora was in the bedroom putting the kids down, and he didn’t really mean to eavesdrop, but he thought he heard his name, which made him smile. Maybe the kids would always call him Abner. Maybe eventually he’d be “Dad.”
He moved toward the door, thinking he’d go in and see them before their nap, since they were obviously asking about him, but he stopped at the door.
“I don’t know how long we’re going to stay with him, honey. Mommy’s going to get a job, and we’re going to move out as soon as we can.”
Maybe she said something else, but he couldn’t hear because of the blood rushing in his ears. It felt like his ribs cracked, too, but maybe that was just his heart breaking.
THE BOYS WERE REALLY upset with Cora when she insisted that they had to go get registered at the school rather than watch the men dig the holes and put the footers in. Abner had watched her with a hooded gaze as she’d made the announcement then watched some more as the boys had used their best arguments, and some that weren’t so good, to get out of it.
In the end, she’d won, of course, and this morning, the bus had picked them up along with Summer and Kohlton who was registered for three-year-old preschool.
The house felt empty and sad without them. She could have gone out and watched the men herself, but she’d have had to keep the little ones out of the way, and she didn’t want to risk them getting hurt.
So she called the waitress that Abner had gotten the number for, Angela. She had the morning off and offered to come right out.
“We’ll cook lunch for the men. Tell Abner we’ll have it ready at noon.”
“There must be at least twenty men out there.”
“We’ve got it.”
Maybe she had it.
Cora could cook, but for twenty men? Wasn’t happening. She’d gone to the grocery store when she’d registered the kids, but she hadn’t gotten anything that would feed twenty. She almost wished she hadn’t called her.
Claire was down for her morning nap and Cora had Luna on her hip when she answered the door.
“My goodness, it’s cold out there.” Angela blew in like a tornado, carrying a ten-pound bag of hamburger and a larger bag of potatoes, plus another bag of assorted groceries. “It’s not going to take us long to make this, but we’d better not mess around. Men get cranky when they’re hungry.”
She grunted a laugh, and her blue eyes sparkled. Her blond-white hair made her look like an angel, and her slim build, evident under her green sweater and khaki skirt, made Cora conscious of her own curves.
“I’m Angela, by the way.” There was a certain reserve in her movements, but her energy was infectious and her confidence unmatched.
Cora shook her hand. “Cora.”
“And you’ve been married to Abner for how long?” she asked as she set the food on the table. “We need to pare the potatoes and cook the meat. Do you have a pan big enough?”
Cora had no idea.
They ended up using four—two for the potatoes and two for the meat.
“Do you want to pare or cook?” Angela talked a lot, but it wasn’t a fast talking. Cultured. “And I did bring some broccoli, and we can cook it with cheese, but none of those guys are going to eat any. I have a few pies in my car. Apple, of course. Can’t carry everything at once. We’ll get those later. They’re made, but they need to be baked.”
Cora’s head spun. She ended up with a wooden spoon in her hand, standing at the stove with Luna on one hip, stirring the meat as it brow
ned.
“So you never did answer me. How long have you and Abner been married?”
“Not long,” Cora hedged. She was pretty sure this was the person that Abner had told all the children were his. “You seem pretty confident in the kitchen.”
“My dad’s a pastor. I grew up working in church dinners. Christmas, Thanksgiving, Bible school, Sunday lunches, men’s prayer breakfasts, ladies’ meetings, you name it, I worked in the kitchen and washed every last dang dish. Excuse the Baptist swearing, but growing up, I had to be perfect, seen but not heard, discreet, chaste, and with the proper reserve. Now, I’m out of the house, and I can say dang if I want to. There’s no rule in the Bible against it.”
“I suppose not.”
“It took me a while to figure out that I could be me and not the puppet my dad always wanted me to be.”
“I see.”
“So, about you and Abner.”
“Yes, we’re married.”
Angela waved a potato in one hand, which wasn’t bad, and her knife in the other, which was slightly scary. “How long, girlfriend?”
Cora stared at the stove, focused on the meat. “Three days.”
“No, crap.” She drew that word out, then... “Excuse the Baptist swearing.”
“Sure.”
“Abner’s had a woman on the side all this time? That’s crazy. I would never have guessed it. He never even looked at a girl, and no wonder, now that I’ve seen you, but come on. I thought he was one of those...what are they called when there’s no attraction to male or female?” She waved her knife in the air again. It really made Cora want to duck.
“Asexual?”
“Yes!” She pointed the knife in the air like a sword. “That’s it.” She went back to paring potatoes. “I mean he just seemed so...uninterested.” She laughed. “Six kids. Guess he was interested all right.”
“Well,” Cora began. She couldn’t let her continue to think a lie. That’s what had gotten her in trouble in the first place all those years ago. “They’re not his.”
“What? He said they were.”
“Well, he is the only one that acts like a dad. But no.”
“He always was good with the kids at church. They followed him around like the Pied Piper.”
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