The Light Within Me

by Ainsley Earhardt

  Both Will’s parents and mine flew into New York a day or so before the delivery. My brother-in-law came too, but my siblings weren’t able to make it. My sister had some work obligations, so she decided to come up a few weeks later for Thanksgiving. Meanwhile, Trent, my brother, and his wife, Darcy, planned on coming up but were in the middle of fertility treatments. The very day Hayden entered the world, Darcy’s doctor said she needed to undergo the implantation of her future baby. The doctors fertilized an egg and they implanted it on November 6. Hayden’s cousins (with only a 2 percent chance the embryo split and they ended up having identical twins) were given to their momma on the same day Hayden was born (about an hour after I delivered her). We laugh and say, “Mom and Dad, you got three grandchildren in one day.”

  Will and I went out to dinner at the Polo Club with all four of our parents and celebrated the last night of freedom. We called it “The Last Supper.” We made plans and coordinated schedules for the next day. While I sort of regretted not having the whole Hollywood movie delivery experience (your water breaks and you rush to the hospital) the planner in me was happy we were able to map out the day. I was going to get up early, do my hair and makeup, check into the hospital, request a private room, walk into the pre-op room, and then the operating room, and meet my child. We told our parents to arrive at the time of my surgery and wait for Will in the waiting room. It was all set.

  By this point in my life you’d think I’d have learned how pointless it is to make detailed plans. But I kept on planning and God kept on laughing. When Will and I arrived at the hospital, my doctor said to me, “We’re running a little ahead of schedule. We can take you back now.” So much for our best-laid plans. We called our parents and told them to get to the hospital right away. I threw my mother into a panic. “I just got out of the shower,” she said.

  “Well, hurry,” I replied. I knew the surgery would begin and about ten or fifteen minutes later we would know if we were blessed with a boy or a girl. In my mind I had another version of the movie planned out. I would deliver the baby and Will would deliver the news, “It’s a boy,” or “It’s a girl.” That scene was not going to work if our parents were still getting ready or stuck in traffic trying to get to the hospital.

  Shortly after we called our parents a nurse came in and asked me a few questions. I then changed into my gown and covered my hair up with the soft, net cap. Will also slipped scrubs on over his clothes, and put a cap on his head and the little booties over his shoes. The nurse returned and started my IV. Before long my doctor came in and said, “Okay. We’re ready.” I got up and walked with the doctor and Will through the recovery room. “This is where you will come after the baby is born,” the doctor explained. When we reached the door of the operating room the doctor said, “Will, I need you to stay here until we get Ainsley all situated and we are ready to begin. Then the nurse will come get you for the birth.” I followed the doctor into the operating room. This was it! We were going to meet our baby.

  A nurse had me sit down on the operating table. She then opened the back of my gown and an anesthesiologist administered a spinal block. My doctor told me he was one of the hospital’s best, which put me at ease. Thankfully, I felt the drugs nearly right away. My only fear had been that the anesthesia wouldn’t work and I’d feel the incision. One of the nurses tapped on my legs then up to my abdomen and asked if I felt anything. All I felt was the sensation of pressure where I knew something was touching me. The doctor reassured me that the spinal tap was doing exactly what it was supposed to do. I did ask them to test it a few times.

  Once I felt comfortable, Will was escorted into the room. He took his place next to me and held my hand as the nurses put a drape around my stomach area. Then my doctor said, “We’re going to start now.” Thankfully, I felt no pain as they made the first incision. Will gripped my hand. This was not the natural childbirth experience I’d always envisioned but at this point I did not care. All I wanted to do was hold my baby.

  Perhaps ten, maybe fifteen minutes after the first incision the doctor lifted my baby out. “Well, Dad, do you want to come over and announce if it’s a boy or a girl?” the doctor asked.

  Will moved over to the little cart where our baby was and said, “It’s a girl.” His tone of voice was not what the doctor was expecting.

  “Come on, Dad. You’ve got to be more excited,” the doctor said.

  “I am,” Will replied. “I’m just nervous.”

  “It’s okay. Everyone is all right,” the doctor said.

  Will then let himself get excited. Me, as soon as I heard him say, “It’s a girl,” I teared up. I just wanted to hold her. Before they handed her to us the nurses cleaned her and did a quick check to make sure everything was okay. It seemed like they were taking longer than they should. One of the nurses finally told us that they were trying to get her to cry. “She’s not crying because she’s tough,” I said. Eventually Hayden let out a loud wail. It was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard.

  The next moment is one that I can hardly describe. Will picked up our little girl, snuggled her for just a moment, then put her face next to mine. I kissed her all over as my eyes welled with tears. I told her, “God has big plans for your life, Baby Girl, and I will do everything in my power to be the best mother. I have loved you and prepared for this moment for a long time. Welcome to this world.” Hayden was perfect. For months we’d talked about who she was going to look like. I envisioned her as a combination of my husband and me. Instead my gorgeous little girl had the darkest hair and an olive complexion just like my father. I’d never seen anything as beautiful in my entire life. I just wanted to freeze the moment and hold on to it forever. I looked down at my baby girl, the little cap on her hair, and I felt love like I’d never felt before.

  All my life I’d read how God loves us as His children. I finally understood what that meant. “Hello, precious one. Jesus loves you so much and so do your momma and daddy.” I continuously whispered blessings into her ear. “God will bless you all the days of your life, sweet child. I get the privilege of helping you and watching all of your dreams come true. I will never leave you. It is a glorious honor to be your mother, my beautiful little girl. You are so smart and perfect for us. We have loved you for forever and want you to know what an answer to prayer you are. God delayed our plans for such a time as this.” I still hold her at night and whisper these blessings into her ears.

  When the nurses wheeled me into the recovery room, I vaguely remember joining a few other moms, but they were far enough away that we still had privacy. I had just delivered our baby and now it was time for Will to deliver the good news to our families, who patiently waited in the waiting room. A nurse videoed the moment as Will walked into the waiting room, looked around for a moment, then said, “It’s a girl!” Our parents’ reaction was exactly what you would expect. They cheered and hugged and cried and celebrated the first grandchild on either side. “What color hair does she have? Who does she look like?” my mom asked. Will just said, “She’s beautiful.”

  Of course, everyone was anxious to meet her. The hospital had a rule that only two people could come back to the recovery room at a time. My husband was one, which meant only one of the grandmothers or grandfathers could accompany him. Will and I decided beforehand that my mom should be the first. And his mom had even graciously made that same suggestion. We begged the nurses beforehand to let both grandmothers go in together and one of them said, “I’ll see what I can do.” Thankfully, she was able to honor our request. They walked in, stood on the left side of my bed, and set eyes on the next generation. Hayden was in my arms facing her grandmothers. Will’s mom just kept saying “Awwww” while my mom said over and over, “She’s just so beautiful. She’s just so beautiful.” It was a moment that will forever be etched in my mind.

  When they left, the nurse snuck back the two grandfathers. We have a photo of the most precious moment where Hayden reaches out and grabs hold of each of their index finge
rs. My dad looked at me and said, “How can anyone see this and not believe in God?”

  After both sets of grandparents met their granddaughter, Will’s brother came back and met his niece. And then, there was a surprise visitor. I was feeding my newborn child and heard a familiar voice. Linsay, one of my oldest and best friends, pulled back the white drapes sectioning off my little area and surprised me. She squealed with excitement and had her phone pointed at me. She was FaceTiming with Cindy, our other best friend, who wasn’t able to come up. I had both of my dearest friends with me at the best time of my life. I felt so loved and in love. I was proud and happy we got to experience such a special moment together.

  Finally, it was time for me to move into my room. A pediatric nurse took Hayden to weigh and measure her and do the initial newborn routine. Shortly after I arrived in my room they brought her back to me. A nurse asked if I wanted my baby with me in the room or to have her stay in the nursery. Of course I wanted her with us in the room. They wheeled in her little bassinet. Since we hadn’t given the hospital our child’s name in advance, the tag on the inside of the bassinet read simply Proctor, our last name. My husband and I spent the next few hours just holding her and studying her. We were blessed with a private room in the corner of the maternity ward, so our time with Hayden was undisturbed. That night we sat in the room with our families and, once and for all, made the executive decision to name her Hayden DuBose Proctor. We all agreed that it was beautiful and meaningful (having a family name was very important to me). Before we left the hospital we filled out the birth certificate, making the name official.

  On our first day in the hospital, cards and flowers began filling our room. One card brought tears to my eyes. It came from the Fox & Friends and the Fox & Friends First staff and read, “We welcome the next American patriot into the Fox News family.” That night, the hosts of The Five, which is a show on Fox News, announced to the world that Hayden was here and healthy. That evening, surrounded by friends and family, we decided to open the bottle of Dom Pérignon we had purchased in France and agreed to open the day our first child was born. We toasted to Hayden and God for blessing us with such a remarkable gift. Hayden was snuggled in my arms and I was drinking the champagne we bought years before knowing God would answer our prayer. He did and it was worth the wait. I was happy and my heart was full.

  The next morning on Fox & Friends Weekend the anchors also announced Hayden’s birth and showed a family photo of us in the hospital. Will had a bunch of pizzas delivered, which we gave to all the doctors and nurses who were working the late shift. We also had a candy basket we shared with the hospital staff. That was my sister’s idea. We had a sign on the basket that read “Thank you for taking such good care of me and my mommy. Much Love, Baby Proctor.” We were in good hands. All of the nurses and doctors were top-notch and treated us like kings and queens. I walked the halls that night, determined to start the recovery process immediately. After three nights, we were ready to take Hayden home.

  ONCE WE WERE settled in our Upper East Side apartment, one of the producers from Fox & Friends asked if they could bring a camera crew over to the apartment to interview us and introduce Hayden to America. I was delighted. I felt like our Fox News viewers had been with me every step of the pregnancy and had supported me. I was ready to introduce them to Hayden.

  The interview was scheduled to go live at seven thirty and the camera crew had to arrive at least an hour earlier to set up. If you have ever brought home a newborn baby you know that doing anything, ANYTHING, is more of a production than anyone can imagine. I got up at 3 A.M., which was actually an hour later than when I usually got up to do Fox & Friends First. I knew I had to get dressed and organized before Hayden woke up because once she was up, she had a way of taking all of my time. We experienced the same thing every new parent experiences: you wonder how someone so small can so dominate every part of your life! But I loved every minute of it. On the day of the interview I dressed her in a precious pink and white outfit, but when the crew came they handed me a Fox and Friends onesie. I gladly put her in this adorable piece that she got to wear because she was officially part of the Fox News family. My body still felt swollen from all the fluids that had been pumped into me for the C-section, so I put on black leggings and an oversized, light blue sweater. I thought the soft colors would look pretty in her nursery, which was gray and white—neutral colors since we didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl.

  The camera crew arrived; we set up and got ready for the countdown. I remember Steve Doocy asking my husband what the biggest surprise had been. Will said, “When we are changing her diaper and she isn’t finished going to the bathroom. That’s always a big surprise.” We both laughed and so did the anchors.

  When the interview ended and the camera crew left, I felt exhausted. After all, I’d just had major surgery. However, I also felt so very blessed by God. I’d prayed for a healthy baby, and He answered my prayer. He’d also given me a job at a place where I didn’t feel like an employee. I felt like a family member. I felt like they were just as excited as I was.

  I DIDN’T KNOW what to expect or how juggling my life as a wife and mother with my career was going to play out. But I also knew I didn’t have to worry about it. God had given me so much. I knew He was going to show me how to honor Him in everything that I did. I’d always wanted my audience to see the light of Christ in me. Now my prayer was that my daughter would see it shine bright as well. More than anything, I want her to fall in love with Jesus and experience the wonder of being a child of God. Every night, when we say our prayers, my request is, “I pray you come to know the Lord at an early age.”

  17

  The Opportunity of a Lifetime

  She gets up while it is still night; she provides food for her family and portions for her female servants.

  —PROVERBS 31:15

  FOR THE FIRST three months of Hayden’s life I never knew what day it was. Most nights I slept in three-hour spurts. I’d feed Hayden, play with her for a little while, then go to sleep when she fell asleep. Three hours later she’d wake up hungry, so I’d feed her and start the whole cycle again. I didn’t worry about my hair because Hayden didn’t care about my hair. Forget putting on any makeup. When you have a newborn baby, who has time for makeup? Unless someone was coming over, I stayed in my pajamas nearly all day. Whenever someone called and asked to stop by, I always told them to come in the afternoon. I needed all day to get ready. It wasn’t that Hayden destroyed the house or we were extra messy. The problem was I could only clean and get ready in ten-minute spurts every hour or so. Some days I just didn’t have the energy to have company, so I started finally being honest: “I really appreciate you wanting to come over and see Hayden. I can’t wait for you to meet her, but can we do it next week? I am physically drained and need to take a break from having visitors right now.” I was just exhausted on most days, even though I was enjoying every moment of being a new mom. More than that, this uninterrupted time I had with my little girl was going by too fast. Call me selfish, but some days I just didn’t want to share it. I just wanted to focus on her.

  Having family visit was different. My mom stayed with us for a while and that was a huge help. I never leaned on my mother so much as when I became a mom myself. There were just so many things I did not know. You can read all the books that you can find, but they don’t really prepare you for a crying baby who needs something but you have no idea what. In those moments you need your own mom—someone who has been down the road before you. I was so thankful she moved in for a few weeks. Will loved the home-cooked meals each night after work and was grateful my mom was with us during the days.

  My favorite moments in those first few months came in the middle of the night. I got up with Hayden to feed her. Then she fell asleep in my arms. Rather than go back to bed, I often stayed on the sofa, holding my baby, sipping nonalcoholic beers (which are supposed to be helpful for breastfeeding) while munching on chips and watching movi
es or reality shows. I got caught up on a lot of pop culture I’d been too busy to notice. That’s not why I stayed up, though. I loved just holding my baby as she slept.

  Unfortunately, there were days when Hayden cried more than she slept. In the beginning we assumed she had colic. We tried all the remedies: my husband and I took turns walking the floor with her, rocking her, trying to comfort her. No matter what we tried, she kept crying. Our pediatrician told us that she was fine because her weight and all her other vitals checked off as normal. “Just let her cry it out,” he told us. That’s easy for a doctor to say. When you are a very tired, first-time parent pacing back and forth trying to get your baby to stop crying you find yourself pushed to the edge.

  Hayden’s crying went on for weeks. It was agonizing because I knew she was in pain and I couldn’t find a remedy. I knew I had to figure something out because eventually I was going to have to go back to work. I could not leave my baby girl like this. Will and I read all the baby books. We followed our doctor’s advice to the letter. He told us it would be best if I could nurse her and that’s what I did. They told us that when she drank from a bottle we were supposed to give her a certain number of ounces, and we measured it out exactly as instructed. Because her weight was good I felt confident she was not crying due to hunger. I just had no idea what was making her cry.

  I mentioned the problem to my best friend, Linsay. She’d also had a problem with her children crying uncontrollably. After she and her husband tried everything, she narrowed the cause down to her diet. She was able to determine that her baby could not eat the dairy and soy, which she was passing on to him through her breast milk. By this point I was desperate. Linsay had already planned on coming up from Florida to see Hayden. While she was visiting, we went shopping at a health food store. She showed me what I could and could not eat. That’s not as easy as it sounds. Soy is in everything. With Linsay’s help I found good alternatives. Unfortunately, the food I had to eat was not the healthiest. Most of the foods were fattening, the kind of food I hadn’t eaten in a long time. But, if it would help Hayden, I was willing to suck it up and worry about losing the weight and eating healthy foods later. I just needed to stop her pain. I was willing to do whatever I needed to do for Hayden.