by Evan Dara
Gil indicated but Emmett was on a roll – Day and Night!, tWenty-four hours a Three hundred and sixt always Ready to Pounce! – whenEver I Look it’s just spouting All this vile Sland and just waiting, Waiting for me to turn back so it can start Up again – Constantly!, Ceaseless!, not a moment’s respite! – I, I mean, I can’t even Bring myself to tell you, to rePeat what it – and it just goes on and On – I just flick on the Light and alReady it’s bearing Teeth! – but I, I’m reasonable – I try to find out what it has aGainst me – but every time I try to Reason with the thing, to get it Calm Down, it just gives me Lip and won’t let me get a word in Edgewise—!
But you, you have to adMire it, Emmett says – the Sweep, the speciFicity of its Vision! – so comprehensive, so exHaustive in its examiNations – then so disciplined and Ruthless in isolating, in focusing, in driving Nails into its Targets – Here, There, every little Feature – a Genius for finding points of atTack!—
Apparently, this Emmett said, the slander campaign had started a few years earlier – and had developed gradually, intermittently – at first, Emmett says, I could just turn away, I could escape with a Jolt and a Wince – though then, even Then – somehow, it had this power to lure me Back – to make me turn To for aNother Round! – Every, no Yes! EVery Time! – I mean, I understand now, some part of me, in animal disbeLief, needed to conFirm – I couldn’t beLieve the thing could be so Cruel! – but that was just the beginning, Emmett said – and ever since, he added, the slander just grows in aggressiveness, in afFronting-ness – I mean it only, Only gets Worse!, Emmett says – I mean I tried to play to it, to appease it, to Camouflage myself – I dyed, I darkened my eyebrows my Hair, I put on skin cream did subluxial Facial exercises but the beast recognized me right aWay! – and just got More vile in its, more Barbarous in its offenses – and regardless that I somehow Some!how found the Strength within myself to make nice, to seDuce it with little girlish Grins – but All the beast could can do was just Lash Out, just Slam, and Smear—!
I mean it used to be so friendly, accommodating, Emmett says – so Pleasant! – it would smile as I passed by – and, when I was in rather Good spirits, it would sheen and toss me a crinkly Wink – and say Hello! – Hi There! – Well, You’re looking just Fine today! – Hello! – Emmett held up his hand – seems like a Dream!—
And what’s particularly dogging, Grating, Emmett said, is that it’s a selEctive, a Personal, campaign – one Saturday, one afternoon, I brought my neighbor in, Emmett says – I dragged my Neighbor in from across the Hall – but it was really Friendly with Mr. Wilcox, with him it was altogether Sociable and Pleasant, just shining and Nice – even paid a Complement to ConSuela, his Wife, when She came in to see what was going on—
Most of all, he said, he feels like a Prisoner – Emmett can’t just Smash the mirror, he said, because he needs it to brush his teeth, and shave, to remove the morning rheum from his red-water Eyes – so what, what should he? – once, Emmett said, he decided to try a rapprochement – so I brought the thing flowers, he says, a nice bouquet of jonquils, as an offering, a Peace offering – to establish some kind of Truce – but all it did was reVile them, the flowers, and pooh-pooh them, it traduced Them too! – at First Look it started sneering that the flowers were Small, and pathETic, smaller and Cheaper than any jonquils It had ever Seen! – and all Warped and Flat in their perspective! – Horrible, it – Hor! – a MONster!, he cried—
Even when he was Out of the bathroom, Emmett said, he could hear its jeering – in his dreams, he said, everyone he encountered had heard the beast’s calumnies – the way they looked at him, Slants to their eyes, the way they stole looks At him as they passed – Coldly, Sneeringly – PITyingly – so now, he said, he had to sue, he Had to – it’s unjust, he said – compensation for, for All this – Justice Must be Served—!
The lawyer, Gil, took it all down – he noted everything scrupulously, he said, because this would certainly be a touchy, a sensitive matter to resolve – first he tried to put out the fire, to proceed with delicatesse – he paused, waited, took that good contemplative pause – then told Emmett that, well, he should consider the possibility that grounds might not exist, in this instance, for a lawsuit – that there might not be Legal grounds – after all, Gil said, our constitution, our Country guarantees freedom of expression – and the mirror might invoke its First aMendment privileges – it would be rather a tough position to deI’m aware of that, don’t you think I’m!, says Emmett – of course I know but I, I’m going to sue for loss of Revenue, he says – and Gil noted that down – you see I left my job!, Emmett says – after three decades in polling I handed in my resigNation! – Had! to – for the good of the Company, Not for mySelf – I mean I’ve been so weakened, so Undermined by all the Slands – I can’t discharge my responsiBilities any more – as I have, I Always have – Thirty Years Don’t Mean Nothing!, he Em said—
Then the lawyer, Gil, dropped his voice – So, he said, to my son – so you See what – what I’m dealing with here – and while yes, possibly, there may be grounds here for Some kind of – my son looked up – it might conceivably be difficult to convince a judge, or a jury – my son Stayed looking up – but, still, nevertheless, that does not mean that I, that we – that My Firm shouldn’t – that we shouldn’t make available to this clearly aggrieved individual – the full range of resources legal services – that we, in our role as advocates, shouldn’t provide all the support that this case warrants, and that this man, like all men, deserves – as is his right, without prejudice – and by then the lawyer’s, Gil’s, voice was kin to a whisper – but if somehow, Somehow, this gentleman could be made to see – that the likelihood of his prevailing – if he could be broken of his conviction – and Gil’s voice trailed into—
Such a, such a situAtion! – and for my son, My, such a complex challenge! – which he Rose to, of course, Never one to be intimidated by Took off like a Falcon! – because he Knew, you see, being a legal scholar himSelf – so he asked his visitor, this Gil – if he, Gil, was serious about his career – if he had Always wanted to be a lawyer – ever since he a Child – if he had always reVered the profession – if this was how he saw his Future! – to All of which Gil, now-taciturn Gil, nodded his head – and looked to his shoes between each nodding – so this was aNother factor – because my son, he understood – a legal Scholar!, you know – he understood that this ambitious young lawyer, just beginning in his chosen Field – in order to please his team, to make Partner – dream of Dreams! – that he had to produce billable Hours – he had to proDuce! – for his Firm! – so my son, my Son – he Went To Work!—
In fact, my son was aMazingly resourceful – fanTastically so – so he, amiably, proposed a deal – they came to terms – hourlies, expenses, the whole pack – part of which, he noted, might rightly be apportioned to Emmett’s till – for research, support, That sort of thing – so, the business done, my son proposed they meet again two days later, a strategy session – which would give him, my son, time to prepare a plan – a Detailed plan – and at this next meeting, two days on, again in my son’s office, my son instructed the lawyer – this Gil – to ask um Emmett to come into his Gil’s office once a week – during which, he, Gil, was to discuss the evolution of the case – to note down, deTailed, all the newest tirades abuses that the mirror – every new cruelty – in order to rack up evidence – this, my son said, would be good for him, for Emmett the slanderee – and, in fact, within a Month – Emmett himSelf started to prepare more concertedly – for the lawsuit – its stresses, its inevitable exactions – he became a member at crunch Gym, was cross-training and stairmastering Eight hours a Week! – in the same way that he, my son, with those two Other individuals who had come to his our office in distress – the two whose marriages were going too Well – the parallels were – you see, he’s an Eth!icist – a great and Leading ETHi – disTinguished in his feel – Recognized all throughout the – with work that extends even to the Animal kingdom –
O yes – I, I mean He – HE was the scientist far-Seeing enough to – to exTend, to Broaden – to go beYond all the these-days talk about Rights, animal Rights – how retro!, how eighteenth Cent! – how anthropoCentury! – because my son, He saw that, OK, animals have Rights, but they also have responsiBilities! – not one without the Other – can’t be all all what’s-for-Me! – so it’s because of Him, you know, because of MY that all the pussycat-pedicure salons have opened around town – O yes, all those storefronts run by the SiamEse – and Also why the sudden Chic of pro-upHolstery styles – O! yes – all those little knobby shapes they file make at the ends of the claws – that’s Him! – that’s All him – and it’s Also because of him – Him! – that our afternoons are now Filled with the tinkle of tiny car keys – being taken from pollen-drunk bees! – OK?, it’s Him, OK? – All – Him! – in the same way as only he, He!, had the professional integrity to accept that psychologist’s recommenDation – only He would have taken The Extra Step to Do what’s Necessary! – a Giant!, a force of Nat!ure – so he goes ahead and Takes the shrink’s advice, his suggestion to go get Effed, howEver unorthodox this therapeutic practice may Be – only and Only to conduct reSearch for those two people who had come to this shrink after their marriages had become incomprehensibly, unendurably enjoyable – because these two were now His, my Son’s, Clients – he, he Had to proDuce for them – so OK, he goes to this whorehouse over on Cicero Avenue – one of the catboxes recommended by the shrink – as being reputable, Clean – Reich, Welby after all – enlightened methodologies! – so my son drives there, a Thursday night – no, Wednesday, Weds I believe – and enters a little building behind a softdrink distributor place – and it’s anonymous cold, industrial-like outside, clapboard – but indoors it’s all shaded muted lights, and small bulbs, walled purple fabrics – on the walls – and a bar, and stools, and a bartender who smiles and slides out a napkin, a coaster – and there are people hanging about, sipping shot whiskeys, behind the bar a black knob-and-meter music system, glowing lit – and young women walking by – short skirts – just passing along – some, only some, in legging/nylons – we’ve only just begun on the sound syst – and of course my son, he happened not to be seeing anyone just then – though he’s always, he’s Always with the MOST! gorge so he’s talking laughing with the bartender and then he’s upstairs, he has Work! to do—
And this young lady is nice friendly cheerful – dimples – and round, you know, up and down round – black hair, fluffy-curly, a black-edge red ribbon around the neck – low-cut hm – and the room is small, say ten by twelve – with a lamp – on a table – and a nice frame print of a cheetah – and a lovely mirror – and while my son did bring up whiskey, his glass, it’s for effect – he’s not sipping – though the wet cold glass feels good to the hand – and so he gets to work, you know, to Work! and there’s the young lady unmaking the clasp behind her neck – and stepping out of – and she’s for real, you know, curves, black bush, white swishing shifting – black bush – and she reaches for a squeeze oil and – and my son says no, not this time – What! a professional – and so he gets down to business – starts to take off – but from the moment, from the second when he – really, just at the first instant that he’s – she looks at him, you know, she points at him and starts to laugh – sitting there on the bed, she wides her eyes and stares and giggles – at my son, standing without pretense at the foot of the bed – in his professional capacity – and this girl just continues laughing and pointing – sometimes touching her stomach in an attempt to hold the giggling in – but eventually, betWeen the giggles, which won’t stay in, the girl manages to giggly-say And Who do you hope to please with That? – and then geysers some Major laughter – well my son, you know – my son, he’s very quick – he says well Me, of course – and o yes I feel I must add here that my son, of course, is in no way Any different or unUsu, inadequate – that is, according to what I understand – I mean I’ve only received thanks and Compliments from his girlfriends – but this hooker girl’s just laughing and pointing and – and waving her forefing – and eventually she starts to chant – to sing – she starts up with a little ditty, in a kiddie voice, singsong-y-like – Wee little wee wee, wee widdle wee – and she does this for some time – giggling all along – though eventually, when she does manage to control herself, her giggling, she says she’s sorry – she’s Really sorry – this never happens to her, but, you know – special case – and again, smiles, giggles – spUmes of convulsing laughter – then finally she says just forget about it, OK? – that she’ll arrange for a refund down at the – but by this time my son is standing there white and livid and white – and holding himself and hiding himself and shitYes! I am absoLUTEly on top of I have this Everything underNo! problem – and so, so, well Yes, you know this is an interesting Challenge for him, for my son, it’s altoGether int – as a psychologist, a Lead!er in his field – it’s an opportunity for him to implement the technique he won the Wundt-Findhorn Prize for – a little imaginative-cognitive procedure he developed during his post-postdoc at Stanf – so he tries, he switches on – standing right there he engages his faculty for retro-clairvoyance – and it Work!s, imMEdiately – it’s he’s Brilliant – a stUNNing success – and that, you know, That!’s why the procedure’s so in deMand, so Pop all around the – I mean All the calls, all the E-mails – inviTations! – maybe eighty Just Last Week, include one from Da!vos – because retro-clairvoyance, of course – and yes, it has roots in Adler and Okituni – but still, uniquely, it’s an aMazingly effective means to access future memories of right now – which immedi-imMEdiately casts the present moment in gold-amber – it’s a splEND technique, a Brilliant quality-of-lie – harnessing inverting the inherent sadness of time – and Altogether different from Walt Klaphauld’s anticipatory nostalgia – Such! a winning o bless my son – a magNif guy – I am BLESSed—!
And that’s whyFirst Thing! with his investigation, my son told attorney Gil that it was essential – imperative! – for him to look at Emmett’s dossier First Hand, to do Due Diligence – to mobilize the full Range of his mega-competence over Every availa – a transCENdent gest – so he spent four five hours in Gil’s office, over on Monroe, coursing perusing files transcripts – and found, he was sure, a few Sev interesting angles – then he called in a few favors and, later that week Damn the boy’s quick was sitting two stools from Emmett himself – at the canteen where he Emmett goes, Most afternoons, for lunch and/or coffee – it’s Dixie’s, on West Chicago – long counter and booths, cook’s face in the frame – and my son, Just SO – he observes, he Sees, from behind a Trib and a short stack rashers he sees Emmett with the counter waitress – calm smiling he knew her spoke to her by name – Tanika, my son’s notes captured Brill! – Emmett ordered a turkey club without looking at a menu got a slaw side too – and put his hand horizontal to say no no thanks to a second refill – Tanika there holding the black plastic handle of the round glass steaming – then Emmett spoke smiled with a policeman who stopped in for a – cuffs, club, walkie all hanging and o direct observation is SO important in these – only way to get things get ANything done – real going-out-and-looking, real reporting – and that’s what We! Specialize – that’s why We’re number One – why they hear about us in the First! place why my Practice is just going so Great!ly – so fanTASTly I have more business than I can Even With! my son’s inVALuable contribu – aMAZing my practice, Top of the World! and wow since spring, since right before Spring doubling, tripling every Month! – Out of this WORLD my practice, just picking up SUPer steam wouldn’t trade it for AN!ything – since the top of March unbeLievaSUPer hey What? – so my son the most the Best that ANYone but Hey you OK there, little man? – hold it toGether little m- – your little nerves every-everything under conTrol? – OK and so yeah my son He gets all the time he Needs to pursue his numerous his unslakeable Interests! – he’s he’s a paleo-optometrist, you know, like last month he was able to quite a fine musicologist, you
must have heard, at the forefront the Foremost in his Field! – a great pioneer he is, a breathless Inno, all but single handedly creAted the field of forENsic musicology – o! yes – like just in July August just recently he found, he established conCLUsively – after Years of research at UCLA and the IAEA – he found Proof! that the Rosenbergs were Fall-guys for Stravinsky! – absolutely, that Stravinsky was the culprit, that he was encoding nuclear secrets in his tone rows! – of course!, why do you Think Stravinsky suddenly started composing that way – it wasn’t just because Arnie did his ultimate retrograde inversion – that Igor, the big dodecaphony! – so my son, he Blazed a Trail! – a, aNother Trail – when he created, he pushed to dizzying heights the field of Green musiCology – on Period Instruments! – I you almost certainly read about – how, in Oslo last spring, how my son created the Moog photosynthesizer! – on stage he, in ScandinAvi turning Sunlight into Scriabin – Yes! – That, that was Him! – Who Else would could – Only him my That kind of virtuosityShit! I – OK! – I AM on top of EVlike with Emmett, like that Emmett again, just wondrous, asTonishing, my son led it to a Brrrill! conclusion – kept researching working that case for nearly two years! – Two!, wonderf!, Right until the end, he refused not to go All The – and as a result, you know, he had the opportunity to meet Emmett’s Brother – o yes – a nice man, he said, retired middle-school principal – white hair, chain droop attached to back of glasses – and it was the brother who paid for the event, you know, he was That Kind of Guy – and it wasn’t some skimpy modest thing, not at All! – Lots of food, flowers and how about This?, my son didn’t charge, he didn’t charge a Cent! to go – once again such Great grandeur of being – and Gil, the lawyer, he only charged for forty-five minutes, and the ceremony took Well over an hour – but by that time, of course, Em not much left, only a few hundred maybe rent money for a few months – and yes a few people spoke, my son said – Emmett’s brother, of course, and a friend from the service, Navy, I think – and a lady neighbor, and Emmett’s ex, their first words, as it were, in six years, since they’d – just a Brilliant way to wrap a case, just an exEmplary and so my Son – So exemplary that it diRectly led to aNother case – o yes! – because that day, Emmett’s brother, just so Taken with my Son – of Course! – he asked him, the brother asked my son if he would consider – if he would investigate some law firm that may seemed to have fleeced his poor dead but That’s how my practice Is! – That’s Allways how – do well, do good, perform for people, get recogNition! – absoLutely! – but my son, of course, he couldn’t take it, that case – of Course not He was already busy sUper-OVEr-busy with the lasik affair – you remember That one of course, sure you, all Over the papes – in Waukosha, the kid, the Twelve-year-old – ace geography student – who and so his mom takes him for a lasik procedure – correct the recalcitrant presbyopia – get rid of the glasses, give the kid a chance! – so they shave down his retinas, the kid, sculpt them just right – see perfect forever – but then, in a few weeks – some, some kind of – and the kid, through his perfect lasiked lenses, he starts receiving the home Shopping network – Full-time!, twenty-four sevbut aMazing resolution – the technicians, the reception specialists they shaved made perfect little Radar dishes in his – and, well, you know you Know my son isn’t going to stand for That! – and the words start roar and the attorneys furl their strops, and the plaintiffs Lead with Eight Figures, they Lead with Eight! – but it’ll be grueling, you know, all Kinds of revelations, horrible publicity no one No! one wants to put a Child on the Stand! – ACrimony! – so my son comes in, hired as mediator – and just Fine fine work, persuades the family to settle for 12 percent off all items on the retinas/air – so yes, a Triumph!, again Such a Triumph! – but what would you exPect, OK?, from My Son My Prac What the Hell! would You Ex—?