by Evan Dara
Because it’s Always, OK?, my practice just Always just great and Great! – the Aldwich Award, the Banes Citation twenty-six consecutive quarters of rising and growthing – unprecedented in the ind, turning aWay business in parTic since this spring, since the end of February just aMazing! my practice – More so than More so since just just More! – clients offering begging Eight times our Rates! – but we’re sorry and we’re Sorry! but just Can’t, you know, just so many hours not enough Staff! – so You, little man, be happy you Got in! – you, you must have been among the last we took on, right then right when the world-killer upturn in our Biz! – when things Real!ly started just aMazingly! – REALly through the Roo the Pin!nacle days – so count your Blessings, little man, You got in and others Didn’t but hold yourself toGeth!er, little man – yes, yes you were lucky and others Weren’t but that’s no reason no need to Swoon for them, for their misfortune … – and Hand to Brow … ? – Listen, they’ll survive, OK?, maybe – But little man: You OK … ? – You … ? – little Man … ? – take a hold of the chair there, little – Well yeah, you know, you’re Right, last February was a little hard, when you came on – that part of my practice became difficult, turning down away so many people wanting beseeching importuning my atTention – not an Easy Thing for a profession, a professional of conscience – performing a sought service – giving people what they ask pay for – what they desply need – and, so – and the digging that I do – you know, what I disCover – you know – all the Things … ! – that’ll that can wear down Anyone’s – any def-defenses – um – uh – o shit – though I Love! it, of course, I love every Min! of – what – just a Joy! to arrive in the morn – and when I find, when I Crack a – when I crack a Case – o shit – aMaze, just a hey, man, What? – when I deliver a, when I crack – aMazing responses, great – from – from the Clients! – like this one gentlemanWhat! – what the… – what you Doing to me, little … ? – You Little! – you little miserable don’t What’s ? – what is … ? – What You Working Here, little … ? – I mean it’s just – just such an amazing thing, my practice – I mean it’s it’s just perfOK! – so OK!, so – it’s OK! – My Practice! – my … – so, OK, dammit – OK! …
So so What so listen – then – so OK – so this one client – so this one, one gentleman – no name – no details – it’s, it’s personal, OK?, it’s proprietary – so this one gentleman, he comes in – he’s sitting in my office, you see – dark blue suit, heavy formal lace shoes – and after the usual chitchat I, I tell him, you know, what I have to tell him – what we found out – it’s a family matter, something with his family, a betrayal – and he, this gentleman, he just faints away – just Dead just Cold even before I fin the! – a liquid, a scarf, he twirls falls spills just right out of the chair! – and it’s icewater and it’s tapping his hand long and Over to get him to wake Up – I had to call the ambulance EMT’s! – and one time, another time this client this man – Big in business, a powerhouse in biz – and Big, Stocky, Strong himself – and I tell him what I have to tell him, and then I hear and look and see that this man is on his elbows and knees! – on the Floor! – he collapsed, he Felled himself in front of my desk! – I tell you I saw the CFO of a big huge La Salle Street corp here in tie and shirt-tie buttoned up to his Adam’s app uncontrol crawling on his elbows and knees! – weep-Weeping! – just mewling and gasping with his damn face three inches from the Ground! – minutes!, full Minutes blithering streaming – fisting the floor full-face discharging Howling and I thought he was going to kiss the little leg at the bottom of my Desk he was so close – and the Sicilian greengrocer who punched himself, base-of-the-handed himself on the temple and knocked himself All The Time this happens, All The! – one guy left his Lincoln his driver in front of my Buildling, ran off on a four-day bender! – and wallowed and drunk until he couldn’t even reMember that he’d aggressed attacked three people! – couples destroyed!, Families torn a Whole personal corporate fortunes squalled and spit on on vengeance! – over and over a, Years of this!, sometimes I couldn’t I Couldn’t! – I mean imagine seeing living this All The Time! – all the! – and so OK, you know, OK – so a few months ago, OK?, back in March May – I, I decided, after just eNough! of, that I – that I would maybe go, go a little easier on them – maybe go a little Lighter – you know, help my clients Out somewhat, ease the living burden! – so I decided, OK, just modify things a bit, make Everyone happier! – you know, just give them what they Want – make it easier and Nicer for just tell them what they want to Hear! – I mean isn’t that the grease for the entire Thing? – Every Everywhere, give the customer what it Wants, a whole culture based on prostitution – and so I decided to it was Time!, OK?, I had It was time to Learn—!
So I try this, in AprilMay I implement the policy gently Gently – just a few just the cases where it seemed possible where it seemed Necessary! – and in all the cases, All! the cases it worked, It, Worked! – the clients were so smiled so Pleased with the results, they left on air and not on Knees! – No, there was No evidence of selling customer lists to the startup from Cal Tech, No there was No affair with the Archdeacon, there was no Time for nastying he’s a workahol No the bribes you send aren’t being intercepted I personally saw the hot-water bottle being pulled by hm from the Yes your son is clean and living with his mother in Barbados – and yes, Yes, and I was FINally able to get to sleep without the Trazadone – and seven, sometimes seven-and-a-half hours per Night—!
It was a lovely thing, just a lovely procedural innovation working and more and More, you know – of Course I extended the methodology to other, to a larger selection of clients, cases – almost, eventually, across the board, except where there was really no reason – and it was Fine, you know, really fine, worked like a Jewel I was playing touch with the son on Friday afternoons, Football, small park out by us, and getting back to fruit-crate art, collecting – got just a great 1940 El Primo lemons, very fine even pristine, mint – and all of this, you know, this peace dividend was became so Wonderful, you know – central, really, a sweet precipitate of wisdom and professionalism just really the Greatest when the first, when the papers, the summonses and complaints started – started showing arriving – the first on a Thursday, then envelope, then envelope – and sign and sign and – and couriers, and messengers, Service agents they all got to know me by Name! – by First! Name, they’d in the hall say hello again Mr. Car – with no joy after a while, no fun in having stung, scored the service – and just more and More and All these Suits!, all this just this Avialanche of Lawsuits – stacks affidavits Trying I was only just Try!ing then 14 then 24 then 39! – 39! of them – 39 – then, finally, argh 7 – chapter 7, out of biz – gone, total, pro, protection – shield, hide what – what was left, as an indiVid – shit, you were practically the only one who Didn’t come after – so just throw it, throw it in, the towel – better all around – all, all the years – eleven!, wiped, gone – and then the bailiffs, Tom JordI’ve known him worked with him for fifteen! – he, slowly, the papers – then – then closing and firing – informing my, such a meeting dread in the conference room, no soft drinks – then stiffing on their last – and closing – seeing it, seeing all – doors and file-boxes and hauled – phone lines, expertise – desk drawers left half-open – well Good! for them I say – Good! – it’s good for – see it all go – Bad past, unthought Was!n’t working – good rid so now, Now!, alReady, you see – alReady what, it’s Weeks? – you can see we’re, we’re building it all back up! again – we’re building us back Better! again – Way! up, Right back to the ROOF! – aGain the roof is ours – these new offices, carpet Suites – aMazing, my practice my son He was INstantly able to build us the whole us Up! again – Major cases, High Profile cases, he made our name all Over again with solving with Cracking – like the Navy Pier arson like the Entenmann’s cult and then He it was He who determined found that it was the Catholic Church! – absoLutely, He dug and traced and absoLutely They were behind the whor
es the prostitutes – a right-wing splinter of the Cath Church, and its psychologist adherents members – so they worked with the whores, they paid the whores to humiliate to Laugh – to send the falling sinning whore-goers scurrying Home! – to the abandoned partner to the Bosom of the Fam! – where Suddenly things don’t seem so Bad any more – the toothpicking the exercycling in front of the TV that ain’t Nothiing now – o yes support rebuild Amer’s crumbling Families a magNificent laurel capstone for my son – for My Son! – I he cracked it cracked o damnDammit! – so yes, he, my son, nothing less than his Finest moment – of course aw no – aw come on … – so yes, he was the voice of the desert – yes he was—
But of course it was just a matter of time, of course … – before he was on to his next project his next Case … – of course – this time it was more of a public service venture – you know, the moment had come for him to give back – so it took a little research … – a little observation – but very quickly, maybe a few weeks, he pulled together the resources – contacts, logo – prestige-address office space – and set up a market for unused imbecility – the first of its kind in North America, I believe – what am I saying, I’m Sure! – and o it’s a Far-ranging thing, an elective opt-in program with the sole goal of bolstering bettering civil – in its broadest outlines, the program provides a forum – natch 24/7 – for businesses to sell the imbecility capacity they don’t themselves use – a possibility that will incentivize them, of course, to cut down on production – so, if they manage not to go to very roofCeiling of bearable imbecility – which is a studied threshold, well understood industry by industry – then they can sell their untapped capability to other companies – who may not be quite as effective in controlling their imbecile output – and who then can use it in whatever way makes sense o stop – that, that suits their interests – their bottom line – well, manifestly, evidently it’s a good Good idea – just wish I had some left to sell … – so R&D in this domain took a little while – a few – but pretty quickly, you know, my son received his certificates from the National Cynicism Board – then he was off – the first calls he made – were to the imbecility vice-presidents at Paramount and Random House – and they were receptive, of course, they No, now noIn fact, by the follow-up calls – he, my son, he told me – these IVP’s were Highly receptive indeed – he even got a call from the CIO at Fox – one of the smartest best imbecility people in the business – so my son, seeing very quickly that he Had something here – he went ahead and hired a consultant – a bright guy, with a background in vulgarity – to synergize/strategize – of course – but also to work up brochures and PowerPoint, write first-draft press releases – to interface with the – and he also decided to use his sister to help out with some of the more mechanical functions – you know, the routine filing and reproducing, logging in – taking messages and, in fact, very early on – within three days of opening its doors – the office received a call from Tennessee, from a lawyer there – who was contemplating his second run for state senate – it’ll happen next year – the Tennessee man said that he’d conducted too thoughtful a campaign the last time – and was wondering if my son’s firm could etc. – and on that day, the consultant, the one my son had hired, he happened to be out at traffic court – a speeding did I tell you his, the consultant’s name is Harold? – so my son had Anya, his sister, handle the rest of the call – he had her come to the phone – and she took down the lawyer’s name, and his address, and wrote down a very good description of what he was looking for – and she took his Telephone number – and Harold, the consultant, he thanked her for it when he got back to the office—
And all that was happening this summer, few weeks ago – between weekend trips, of course – o yes my son gets away EVery weekend during the June-to-Labor – waterskiing, windsailing, delta-conditioning mountain trekking his Yacht! – lives life to the Full!est, that boy – and Also he o Shit no – and he – he still he finds the time for – he Does – he’s, he’s a good kid – really, blessed, I – and still he finds time for – aw c’mon – for other things – like in July, he – he went to the Museum of Holography, over on West Washington – because he, my son, he was guest Curator there! – you see – he’d been asked to curate an exhibition on the holography of negative space – and it was a big hit, very well received, appreciative big write-ups in all the – All the – and so my son was there that day, and someone, a man from Turkey, I believe – he came over and asked my son about how he’d Organized the show – why certain things weren’t placed where they weren’t – for example – and why they hadn’t not been placed elsewhere – and so my son went with this Turkish man and walked through the exhibition, explaining, Clarifying his choices, and Anya, who was with him, just drifted off on her own – she wasn’t too interested in the theoretical presentation – so she wandered through the museum, room by room, taking it all in – and eventually made her way towards the back, where they display the permanent collection – the holographs – the installation that’s always there – it’s a deep dark room – with ample open space, it’s got to be that way because of the 3D light – and it shows the standard kinds of intro things – the broken wine glass that heals itself as you walk around it, the flower-blouse woman blowing the world a kiss, the picket gate that swings open to invite you in – to a place you can never get to – and maybe two dozen more suchlike objects – and then, near a rear corner of the room, Anya chances on a small holograph of a railroad train – an old-style model, two cars only, fairlie and caboose, wheels and grab bar, mounted half way up the wall – and the train simulates charging right-to-left along a course of oh, about fourteen inches – glowing sheening in iridescent gleam – like all these holo things do – and as Anya approaches it, after she sees it and runs up to it, the train chugs a little more to the left and shoots off a cloud of steam – Light-steam of cour – and the squeal – the squeal Anya made – the deLight-squeal – could have been the billow of the train itSelf – it had that energy – just this fwooo! of joy urgency – kinetic glee, lofty throaty – a real I and Wow! experience—