Succubus Lord 12

by Eric Vall

  The fucker tried to raise his talon to block my blow, but all that did was stop the inevitable. There was a loud crack as all of the bones in his leg were shattered, and he went down on one knee.

  I followed up with a quick slug from the hilt of the weapon, and Pazuzu spat a mouthful of blood into the air and onto my armor.

  Then the Shades were upon him.

  I stepped back and watched my soldiers do their magic. Instantly, a swarm of the soldiers surrounded the demon and blocked him from my view. All I could hear was Pazuzu’s screams of agony as he was punched, stabbed, and beaten by dozens of Shades at the same time.

  Finally, I held up my warhammer and let out a whistle.

  The Shades heard my non-verbal order, halted their assault, and then stepped aside.

  There, at the center of the group, sat a beaten and bloodied Pazuzu. His eyes were nearly swollen shut, and he was bleeding so profusely he looked like he had been dipped in a vat of red paint. The demon coughed up a mouthful of blood with a gurgle, and then his head slouched down on his shoulders.

  I stepped forward with my warhammer at the ready, just in case he tried to pull any sort of trick.

  “Still think you’re the strongest assassin in the universe?” I mocked as I approached the battered demon.

  “I still am,” he retorted weakly. “A-Aruna was right about you, mortal … none who face you come away unscathed.”

  “Damn straight.” I nodded. “Did she also let you know that I kicked her ass once before, too? None of you assassins have been able to get me, and you never will. I don’t get why you keep trying.”

  “Money, Jacob Ralston,” Pazuzu spat. “You might be the most powerful man in the universe, but you’re also the most wanted man, with the biggest price on your head. It was at least worth a shot.”

  I glanced down at Pazuzu’s abdomen and saw he was bleeding out profusely. Even if I wanted to let the poor bastard go, he’d be dead within the hour if he didn’t get to a healer. Besides, I knew these assassins inside and out. They always followed their strict code, and they wouldn’t rest until either their target was dead or they were.

  And I sure as fuck wasn’t intending on dying anytime soon.

  “You did good,” I reassured the demonic assassin as I raised the warhammer over my head. “Except for your penis biting me in the leg. That was an asshole move.”

  “Yeah,” he coughed. “Sorry about that.”

  “I’ll be sure to let all the others know you died valiantly and that you were one of the few to actually land a blow on the ‘great’ King Ralston,” I told him.

  “Thank you, Jacob,” Pazuzu sighed and bowed his head. “Now, please … ”

  The assassin trailed off, and we both knew what needed to be done.

  So, I brought down the warhammer right on the back of the demon’s neck, and there was a loud, wet crack as his vertebrae were crushed and his spinal cord was severed.

  Then Pazuzu fell to the ground, dead.

  “Will you be alright, Jacob?” Ariel asked, and she was on the verge of tears as she ran over to me. “Did Todd get all the poison out?”

  “I’m standing, aren’t I?” I chuckled as I turned my warhammer back into a metal ball and positioned it around my waist. “The Toddster saved my life, but there’s probably a little bit still floating around in there somewhere. Nothing that Superbia can’t fix.”

  “We need to get Sister Superbia out here ASAP,” Cupiditas observed. “Though Pazuzu didn’t kill any of your Shades, several of them are still in dire need of medical assistance.”

  “I’m just getting really fucking tired of these paranormal assassins showing up and trying to kill us,” I sighed. “I’d like to think I was fucking safe in my own domain.”

  “Unfortunately, they’ll keep coming,” Cupi admitted, “as long as they adhere strictly to their code, and they are getting paid by our enemies, they’re going to keep showing up. The only way to end it all would be to kill every single one of them, or to kill all of our enemies.”

  “But what if there was another way?” I pondered aloud. “What if we went and talked to one of their own? One of their own who has a soft spot for me and has a lot of influence over the other assassins?”

  “That might work in theory,” Ariel admitted, “but the chances that you’ll get them to break their code is slim to none.”

  “Nonsense, Little Mermaid,” Todd scoffed, “all Jakey’s gotta do is show up, whip out his hog, and show ‘em the power of the penis. It’s worked wonders for us so far.”

  “What about all the men?” Ariel shot back and crossed her arms over her chest. “Ninety percent of the paranormal assassins in the universe are male.”

  “That sounds like gender discrimination,” Todd hissed. “We should petition for a safe and equal workplace. Babes should be able to work it just as much as the men. Who do we sue?”

  “That’s not how this works, Todd,” Ariel sighed.

  “That’s where his amazing charisma comes in,” the imp suggested. “I think Jakey had some really fucking good stat rolls at the beginning of this campaign, because he can get just about anyone to do whatever the fuck he wants.”

  “We’ll deal with that when we get there, Todd,” I promised the imp, “but for now, we need to get this mess cleaned up, get everyone good and healed, and then we need to go talk to our point person.”

  I turned away from the carnage of the coliseum and began to limp back toward the exit.

  We needed to make a little trip back to Earth Realm.

  We needed to talk to Aruna.

  Chapter 6

  “I can’t believe we’re meeting Tigra in a place this fucking boring, bro,” Todd, now in his human form, sighed as we approached the entrance of Molly’s Coffee Shop. “I figured we’d be like, meeting this master assassin in some huge fucking hidden fortress off in the mountains or some shit like that. Not a little coffee shop in the middle of Phoenix.”

  “It was closer to our house.” I shrugged. “Plus, Aruna made it very clear that outsiders weren’t allowed to know the location of the Assassin Society’s Sanctorum.”

  “The ASS, if you will,” Todd snickered and then opened the door. “Seriously, does the entire paranormal world just not give a fuck about acronyms?”

  “The concept of an ‘acronym’ didn’t exist when it was formed,” Mirage admitted. “You must realize most of these ancient societies and fraternities were created back before human language had been conceived.”

  “Either way,” Superbia spoke up, “Aruna was not going to let us come to her dwelling, and we were not going to willingly let her into ours after all the assassin problems we’ve had over the last few months. This was a happy medium.”

  “I dunno if ‘happy’ is the right word,” Todd shuddered as he opened up the door and motioned for us to go inside. “This place looks like a hipster’s wet dream, complete with the fresh oak, locally-sourced milk, and everything. If they tell me their profits go to some local niche charity, I’m totally gonna scream, bro.”

  “I don’t understand your detestment of these ‘hipsters,’ Todd,” Mirage pondered. “Aren’t you one of their kind?”

  Todd’s crazy blue eyes bulged out of his head as his brow furrowed and his mouth pursed. He reached out, placed one hand on Mirage’s shoulder calmly, and then stared her deep in the eyes.

  “Listen, Chris Angel,” the imp said in as restrained of a voice as he could, “I’m a stoner. Not a hipster. Please don’t ever, eeeevvvver lump me together with these Iron and Wine listening, craft beer drinking, plaid wearing, beard weaving tools. Kapeesh?”

  Mirage looked somewhat shaken by Todd’s sudden seriousness, but she nodded in agreement.

  “I-I’m sorry,” she noted, “it won’t happen again.”

  Then the short-haired brunette scuttled through the door and out of sight, out of one awkward situation and directly into another.

  Sia and I passed through just after her, and then I heard the door sla
m shut as Todd entered.

  The floors, tabletops, and counters of the place were all made up of the same dark wood, and there were handwritten chalkboard signs all over the establishment. The tables and chairs themselves were made up of old, rustic-style metal that had been painted white and then weathered to make them look like they were “vintage.” There were bags of “coffee beans” in burlap sacks placed in various places around the establishment, and the walls were made out of crumbling red brick. Meanwhile, the entire interior of the coffee shop was lit only by free-hanging Edison bulbs.

  Todd was right. This was definitely a “hipster place.”

  But what better place to have a secret meeting with one of the universe’s most deadly paranormal assassins? Absolutely nobody would expect it to take place here.

  I scanned the coffee shop for a second, until my eyes fell on a familiar face. There, all the way at the table in the back of the room, sat the slender, athletic woman with dark hair and cat-like features.

  Or, at least, that was the look she had chosen today. The Rakshasi were shapeshifters, and Aruna could be whatever the fuck she wanted to be.

  And whatever face she chose, it was just as beautiful as the last.

  I gave the Rakshasi an acknowledging wave, and then I began to head toward her table.

  “Remember why we’re here, guys,” I reminded my friends. “We want to see if she can do anything about the increasing invasions of her assassin buddies. That’s why I brought you all along. You two Madames are excellent at making deals, and Todd? Well, if all else fails, you can work your magic and annoy her into submission.”

  “And if that fails?” Sia whispered as we approached.

  “The power of the penis,” Todd noted.

  “The power of the penis,” I agreed with a sigh, “but that’s our last resort.”

  Aruna stood up from her seat to greet us, and she instantly wrapped her arms around my neck. Her perky breasts pressed up against my chest as I felt the warmth of her body radiating onto mine.

  My dick began to throb with anticipation, but I couldn’t let that get the best of me.

  Negotiate now, fuck later.

  “It’s so good to see you, Aruna,” I admitted to the Rakshasi. “It’s been way too long.”

  “It really has been,” Aruna purred as she batted her dark eyelashes at me. “I’ve missed you, Jacob Ralston. Luckily, I’ve had quite a few missions to keep my mind preoccupied. Have you ever been to Papua New Guinea? One of my wealthier targets thought they could get off the grid by hiding out there, but, as you will remember, nobody goes ‘off the grid’ for me. I found him in some beach house, decapitated him with a swipe of my Chakram, and then I spent the next few weeks hanging out on the beach while I awaited my client’s payment.”

  “Sounds like a blast,” I said with a grin.

  “I’ve been there once,” Mirage spoke up, “I believe it was an accident, though. The people who summoned one of my succubi seemed very confused, and they didn’t even speak any of the common tongues.”

  “Indeed,” Aruna said as the smile disappeared from her face, “and you are … ?”

  “Oh!” I interjected as I tried to break the awkward tension. “Aruna, this is Mirage. She’s one of my new Demon Lords.”

  The Rakshasi’s eyes widened with surprise, and she physically recoiled in shock.

  “Demon Lord?” she asked in awe.

  “That’s right,” I reiterated, “Mirage here is a Demon Lord. So is Sia. And Todd. And all of the other succubi who are under my command.”

  “How is that possible?” Aruna gasped. “I thought succubi and imps were forbidden from becoming Demon Lords?”

  “There are a lot of things forbidden by Hell,” I chuckled, “but that’s never stopped me before. Besides, it kinda helps when your father is the Prince of Darkness himself.”

  “Wait … ” The Rakshasi’s face now contorted into a look of confusion. “Your father … is Lucifer?”

  “Like you said,” I noted, “it’s been a while. Let’s sit down and catch up for a bit.”

  All five of us sat down, ordered our coffees, and began to explain the last few months to each other.

  I told Aruna all about the loophole I found in the Demon Lord creation process. I told her about how my parents had fucked around with the demon-summoning ceremony when they were younger and accidentally summoned Lucifer to impregnate my mom. I explained how we had marched into the Fifth Circle, killed Baphomet, and installed Mephisto as the new Demon King.

  “But none of that is even the craziest part … ” I admitted. “My forces now have Lilith, the Demon Queen, on our side.”

  “Wow,” Aruna whistled as she leaned back in her chair. “That’s big. That is very, very big.”

  “Uhhhh,” Todd interjected with a raised finger, “we’re still talking about the geopolitical situation at hand, right? Not Jakey’s slobglobber?”

  “We can change course and talk about that if you’d like, Todd,” Aruna joked, “I’m sure both of these women here know that organ like the back of their delicate little hands.”

  “I’m good, Snagglepuss,” Todd shuddered. “I’d really prefer to keep my coffee in my stomach, thank you very much.”

  As if right on cue, the waiter arrived with our coffees and a few pastries we’d ordered from the bakery section of the shop.

  My mouth watered the instant I saw the large, puffy tops of the muffins and the perfectly-toasted edges of the danishes. Meanwhile, the scent of slow-roasted dark coffee beans hit my nose, and I savored it with a hearty sniff.

  “Not to deter the conversation, but holy fuck,” Todd drooled as he stared at the pastries in front of us. “Bro, can we get like, ten more of these things? They are not long for this world.”

  “Sure thing,” I agreed and turned to the waiter. “Can we get a bunch more pastries? Just surprise us, and we’ll pay for whatever you bring out.”

  “Will do, sir.” The waiter nodded, and then he shuffled off toward the bakery.

  “What are you doing, my King?” Mirage whispered. “Why are we focusing on food right now? Shouldn’t we be negotiating?”

  “And that’s what reminds me you’re new at all this,” Todd giggled. “An adventure with Jakey is not an adventure with Jakey until we’ve gorged ourselves full of goodies that’d make Little Mermaid’s healthy mind blow a gasket.”

  “We’ve gotten away from it since we’ve been in Hell,” Superbia admitted, “since the food options are not quite as good down there as they are here on Earth. Aside from what Gula makes, of course.”

  “Shit,” Todd admitted, “You know that old saying, ‘you can polish a turd all you want, but it’s still a turd?’ Well, I think Firecracker could legitimately polish the turd if she had an hour in the kitchen with it.”

  I glanced down at my dark brown coffee as Todd’s words sunk in, and I suddenly wasn’t feeling the murky liquid. I guess I’d start with the pastries.

  So, I reached out and picked up the closest item on the plate, a danish arranged to look like a pinwheel, with its bright red filling at the center.

  The thing was smothered with creamy white icing, and its dough was baked to a golden-brown crisp. Flakes of the pastry fell off when I picked it up, and that alone told me I was in for a treat.

  As I bit into the danish, my mouth was filled with a mixture of buttery, flaky dough, tart raspberry, and the intense sweetness of the icing. I rolled the delicious morsel around in my mouth for a few seconds, swallowed, and took another bite. Then I scarfed the entire thing in seconds before I reached out for my coffee.

  Meanwhile, Todd, Superbia, and Aruna dug in.

  Todd’s entire black shirt was covered with crumbs, so much so that it was now difficult to read the “Higher Brand of Life” text slapped onto the front. The blond imp’s eyes rolled back in his head as he bit into a large, chocolate-covered donut, and small flecks of the cream cheese filling squeezed out the back. He quickly swiped it up with his index finger,
plopped it into his mouth, and ingested the delicious filling.

  Superbia and Aruna were both going to town on the muffins. Aruna had one in her hand covered in blueberries so vibrant, they looked like they had been made in photoshop. Sia, on the other hand, was biting into a bright yellow muffin full of walnuts.

  “Is this … banana?” the redheaded madame questioned as her eyes rolled back. “I never would have guessed you could put such a large fruit into a pastry like that!”

  “See?” I joked. “These meals we share together are totally learning experiences.”

  “Oh, I’m learning a lot,” Todd snickered. “Especially math. Like, what’s the maximum number of hot dogs the Toddster can shove down his gullet before they literally pile up and trigger his gag reflex? The answer might surprise you, bro.”

  “I don’t know if that’s the appropriate--”

  “It’s fifty-three, bro,” Todd interrupted. “Once you hit fifty-four, boom. It’s like a sorority sister’s twenty-first all up in here.”

  “Welp,” Aruna chuckled, “I’ll put this on the list of ‘things I didn’t really need to know.’”

  Just then, the waiter returned with another platter full of assorted baked goods, from donuts that still glistened from the fryer oil to tiny cupcakes made out of oatmeal.

  I thanked the man, pulled out two hundreds from my pocket, and handed them to him with a large smile.

  “Keep the change, my man,” I told him.

  The waiter looked at me in shock.

  “Are--are you sure?” he gasped. “That’s like, a tip of—”

  I nodded to reassure the man, and his entire face lit up with excitement.

  The waiter was all smiles as he dashed off to the kitchen with his one-hundred percent tip still in hand.

  Unfortunately, Mirage didn’t seem to match this guy’s enthusiasm.

  I glanced over at the succubus and noticed she was just kind of sitting there and staring off into space as the rest of us enjoyed our breakfast. I reached over and placed my hand tenderly on the brunette’s leg.

  “You alright?” I asked somberly and tried to look her in the eyes.