by Eric Vall
Serpico must have noticed the tension in the air, because he let out a long, hissing laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Sia demanded.
“You guysssss are cracking me up,” the snake mused, “I can tell exactly what you’re thinking. You’re not the firsssst, and you certainly won’t be the last. But I can promise you one thing … no move you can make will bring me down. My hide is as thick as a Behemoth’s, and my reflexes are as quick as a cat’s. Then again … I haven’t been in a good fight in ages. Nobody down here dares crosssssss me.”
My heart felt like it was now in my throat. The succubi were all clinging to their weapons like their lives depended on it, and Todd was rocking back and forth on the ground while repeating “I hate fucking snakes, bro,” over and over again in an increasingly quick cadence.
I had to make a decision right now. Did I try to kill the slithery bastard, or did I lower my weapon and let him take me to Abbadon?
The odds were terrible in either case. However, there was an ever-so-slight chance we could make it out of here if Serpico was telling the truth. If we didn’t have to fight our way out of the Seventh Circle, perhaps we would live to see another day.
Against my better judgement, I sheathed the Unhallowed Sword and then nodded to my friends.
All of the girls looked at me in shock for a moment before they sighed and sent their weapons away with a flash of Hellfire.
“There,” I growled over the sound of my own pounding heart, “our weapons are down. Now, are you going to take us to the inner ring, or not?”
A devilish smile spread up Serpico’s inhuman face, and for a second, I thought I had fucked up. However, the snake nodded his head, flicked his tongue, and then slowly turned his back to us.
“My massssster isn’t in the inner ring,” he explained, “that’s a foolish tale told by beingssss who have never set foot in our domain. Why would anyone wish to live in a desert that was burning eternally?”
“He totally couldn’t get insurance down there,” Todd chuckled weakly, though I could tell he was still freaked out. “No agent’s gonna believe your house burned down five times in a single month, bro.”
“I ssuppose not, imp,” Serpico mused as he slithered over to the river of blood.
As soon as he reached the riverbank, the snake stuck his head underneath the boiling liquid, moved forward, and started to float with his upper body just above the surface. Serpico raised his head up into the air, turned it nearly three-hundred and sixty degrees, and stared at us impatiently.
“Uh, I think we’ll walk,” I offered the demon snake, but he wasn’t taking no for an answer.
“Walking to masssster’s castle is impossible,” he warned with narrowed eyes, “it is located in a secret cavern that can only be transversed through the River of Blood.”
“You’re not seriously considering this, are you?” Eclipse whispered into my ear. “We are going to be sitting in the center of a river of boiling blood on top of the crony of one of the most unstable Demon Kings in existence. All he’d have to do is dive down into the blood, and we’d be toast.”
“I don’t think he’s going to do that,” I retorted. “If he wanted to kill us, he would have done it by now. I think all of this is just pomp and circumstance.”
“We don’t have all day,” Serpico hissed. “Every second we wait, Gressil’s forces grow stronger. We mussssst ssssee my master now.”
I took a deep breath, shook my head with a hearty mixture of both amusement and fear, and then sauntered over to the tail of the beast. As I took my first step onto Serpico’s body, I felt my metal boots thump against his armor-like scales.
It was a good thing I didn’t try to sneak attack this guy. I wasn’t even sure my sword would have broken through his armor.
I walked up Serpico until I was about to the middle of his back, and then I turned back and motioned for my friends to come along.
Libidine was the first one to make a move, followed immediately by Gula. Sia and Eclipse were next, but Eligor remained on the beach.
And for good reason.
The Knight of Hell was literally trying to pull Todd onto the living canoe, but he’d his hands stuck firmly in the brimstone ground. The imp’s claws scratched the surface noisily as he was dragged across the dark landscape.
“I hate snakes, Jakey!” he called out angrily. “I hate ‘em!”
“Come now, Todd,” Eligor shot back, “just think of it as a boat ride.”
“I ain’t getting on the flesh canoe!” Todd argued. “Especially one made up of a slimy, scaly slither.”
“Snakes aren’t even slimy,” Eligor sighed and then gave the imp an angry tug.
Todd’s claws sunk even deeper into the ground, and he stayed exactly where he was. His hind legs seemed to stretch out as the blonde knight tried to pull him away with increasingly angry huffs.
Alas, Todd was stuck to the ground like flies on shit.
I was gonna have to change that.
So, I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, tossed it around the imp, and then focused on transporting his body through time and space.
“What that fuck?” Todd gasped as his body slowly began to fade.
Seconds later, I made him reappear over our position.
The imp let out a shriek of terror as he plummeted down onto the snake’s skin, bounced up into the air, and was promptly caught by Libidine.
“I thought you were supposed to be Shaggy?” the succubus giggled.
“Rikes,” the imp sighed in a Scooby voice and hung his head sadly. “Just, uhhhh, don’t put me down, okay? I don’t want my pristine, sexy little imp feet touching that shit.”
“If you insist,” Liby sighed and rolled her eyes.
Eligor finally mounted the beast, and we were all in our positions.
Serpico looked us all over one final time, turned his head forward, and then set off down the River of Blood.
The snake demon moved through the viscous liquid with the speed and grace of a great white shark. His giant tail was the main propulsion device as the gargantuan muscles in his body rippled under our feet with each movement. Serpico kept his slitted eyes facing forward the entire time, but we weren’t so lucky.
As we moved through the blood, we passed the occasional Shade floating down the river. Each one was covered from head to toe in third-degree burns, blisters, and boils, and each one was shrieking like a banshee from the pain. Many of them begged for us to end their suffering, even though we all knew it was impossible. However, those Shades weren’t the most disturbing of the bunch.
No, the ones who haunted me the most were the Shades who floated by fully conscious, but seemed to accept their fate. Their eyes were wide open as they stared off into the abyss of the dark sky. Tears rolled down their cheeks, but their pupils were pinpricks behind a glazed-over look that wanted nothing more than to be put out of its misery. Though they didn’t scream, each one of them made a hoarse growl as we passed them by, almost as if …
“Their vocal cords have been destroyed,” Eligor noted without a hint of emotion in her voice. “Those are the Shades who have been here the longest. I bet their voice boxes are so bruised and raw that you’d hurt them just by looking at them the wrong way.”
“That’s fucking brutal,” I muttered with a thousand-yard stare as I watched a poor woman float by.
“That’s Hell,” Eligor shrugged, “unfortunately, the other Demon Kings are nowhere near as kind as you. They want their Shades to suffer to the fullest extent.”
“Ain’t that the truth,” Todd whistled from Liby’s arms. “I got a sore voice box the one time I went to Hell in a Cell back in 1998. I screamed so hard when Undertaker threw Mankind off the cage, I tore my fucking larynx. Swear to god, I couldn’t talk for weeks.”
“It was the best few weeks of my life,” I joked to try and ease the mood.
“Har har,” Todd mocked. “But seriously, I wouldn’t wish that shit on my worst enemy.”
&n
bsp; “If you don’t mind me asking, King Ralsssston,” Serpico spoke up, “what kind of torture do you employ on your Shades? Surely the Nephilim who killed Azazel and stole all his succubi would have sssssome truly twisssssted forms of penance.”
“Uh, right,” I lied, “I’ve totally got the penance down. I don’t know if you ever met Ira, the Sister of Wrath?”
“Ah, yesssss,” Serpico said deliciously, “Azazel always spoke highly of her. She was quite a twissssted individual.”
“Well, she’s my Master of Torture,” I continued, “she locks herself away for hours at a time in her workshop, where she tinkers around and tries to figure out what sort of fucked-up things she can do to the Shades in the Fourth Circle.”
It wasn’t a total lie. Ira really did try to think up all sorts of crazy ways to punish the Shades of my domain, and she tried to do it in the most twisted ways she could possibly get away with. However, there were some stipulations. Ira was not allowed to cause my subjects any bodily harm or damage them in deep psychological ways.
But Serpico didn’t need to know that. If I could make myself appear even more hardcore than I really was, maybe I could make things go smoother with Abbadon.
“I don’t envy them,” Serpico admitted. “Abbadon’s succubus, Lunacio, the Soror Retorta, is in charge of the torture in the Seventh Circle. As you can see, she lives up to her name.”
“Hold up there, Cobra Commander,” Todd spoke up, “maybe my Latin’s a little rusty, but did you just call that chick what I think you did.”
“Perhaps,” Serpico admitted, “Lunacia is the Soror Retorta, or the ‘Twisted Sister’ in you tongue.”
A wide smile spread up Todd’s face, and I knew exactly what was going on in his brain.
“Sooooo, does she have long, blonde hair that’s all crazy looking?” he asked hopefully. “And pleaaaasseee tell me she wears ridiculous red blush and has blue eyeliner. Bonus points if she’s really a dude in disguise.”
“She does not do any of the above,” Serpico explained. “In fact, Lunacio is not what most people think of when they hear the word ‘Torture Master.’ But I ssssshall let you all be the judge on that one. You can meet her when we arrive, and we are almost there.
The heat from the River of Blood had now grown to nearly unbearable levels, and I was tempted to rip off my armor to keep myself from overheating. Then I remembered where we were headed.
There was no way in Hell I was meeting Abbadon without my protective armor.
We continued on the snake’s back for another thirty minutes or so until we finally arrived at our destination. Before us stood a roaring waterfall made completely out of warm, crimson blood. Flecks of the syrupy liquid splashed up onto my exposed face, and I felt a miniscule burning sensation.
“Do any of you know protective spells?” Serpico asked curiously. “Because you’re going to need one. Unless you intend to join the ranks of the Shades down here.”
Suddenly, there was a loud scream from above. All seven of us looked up to the top of the waterfall, where there was now a male Shade being held out over the drop. Before him stood a female figure, petite as could be.
The woman assailant appeared to have shoulder-length brown hair cut up at an angle, and bangs that hung down just to her brow. She had the Shade by the throat, and I could see she was saying some choice words to the poor bastard. Finally, she hauled back, threw her arm forward, and released the Shade from her grip.
He screamed in anticipatory terror as he plummeted down the waterfall, bounced off a few of the jagged rocks, and then landed in the scalding-hot blood only a few feet away from us with a large splash. The air was filled with a scent that was a mixture of irony steam, burning flesh, and hot liquid.
Almost as quickly as he went under, the Shade’s head reappeared through the surface of the blood, but he was already worse for wear. He screamed horrifically as the boiling liquid seared the flesh off his face all the way down to the bone, and literal chunks of his head appeared to be burned away. All of the hair on his head was now gone, as were his eyebrows and eyelashes. He flailed fruitlessly and begged us to help, but Serpico was having none of it.
The demon snake lashed out with intense speed, snatched up the Shade in his jaws, and then threw him as far off into the horizon as he possibly could.
Meanwhile, the brunette woman looked down at us with a smile on her face.
“I’m guessing that’s Lunacio?” I muttered aloud.
“The one and only,” Superbia explained. “I have met her a few times before. She makes Sister Ira look like a Girl Scout by comparison.”
“How is that even possible?” I mused. “Ira’s into some fucked up shit.”
“Sister Ira might be in love with BDSM and sadomasochism, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg,” Sia continued.
“Fuck yeah, it is,” Todd interjected and then held up his fingers to count. “You’ve got your formicophilia enthusiasts … your punctuators … and, most importantly, your coprophilles. Those are the people who are turned on by turds, bro. Quite literally fucking shit!
“I get it,” I promised with a gag, “Ira’s not even close to being that bad.”
From above, Lunacio gave us a cautious wave and then disappeared back behind the top of the waterfall.
She must have had other Shades to torture.
With the succubus gone, I turned my attention back onto the main goal. Abbadon.
“To answer your question from earlier,” I announced to the snake demon as I summoned purple Hellfire into my hands, “yes, I have protective magic.”
I twisted my glowing purple fists in the air, stretched them out, and then created one giant, massive wall.
“There,” Superbia observed, “that should do well enough against the burning-hot blood.”
Serpico looked back to make sure we were all ready to go. Once he saw we had a shield safely above us, he began to move through the crimson liquid once more.
The second we hit the waterfall, steam erupted from all sides of my barrier and filled the air with an inhuman hiss. Then, without much fanfare, the worst was behind us.
We were now faced with a giant cavern large enough to house an entire city, but it didn’t have a city inside of it. All it had was Abbadon’s castle.
The fucking thing looked like an abomination to all architecture. Its base was made up of a structure that looked like it was a sphere cut in half and placed with the flat side against the ground. It had an almost punched tin vibe to it, even though we all knew it was made out of rocky brimstone.
Just behind the half-sphere stood an enormous pyramid that stretched up to the heavens. Or, in this case, the top of the cave. The pyramid’s tip touched delicately against the roof of the caverns, almost as if it had been squeezed into here at the last minute. Meanwhile, the layers of the pyramid were constructed out of brimstone to create the building’s horizontal skeleton, and large panes of glass were stuck in between them.
However, that wasn’t the castle’s worst design offence.
The sphere of the castle was painted a bright neon orange, while the dark brimstone of the pyramid’s skeleton was now a hot pink.
“What the fuck is this place?” Todd asked as he stared at the insanity before us. “Interdimensional glowgolf?”
“I wish,” I joked. “I’m pretty sure this is just Abbadon’s way of fucking with everyone. He can’t even live in a regular castle like the other Demon Kings. He’s gotta make a statement wherever he goes, including his own home.”
Serpico slithered over to the bank of the river and then halted his momentum.
“From here, you walk,” the snake demon mused, “I know a sssshortcut, but I want you to get the full experience of my master’s hospitality.”
“I don’t like the sound of that,” Libidine admitted as she carried Todd off the snake’s back.
“Hospitality? Ha!” Gula muttered as she crossed her arms over her chest and exited the snake-boat. “This guy’s already brok
en most of the rules of exterior design. This place looks like a total clusterfuck, and I’m wondering what it’s like inside.”
The other girls were right behind Gula, as was I.
The second we were off his back, Serpico disappeared underneath the surface of the River of Blood, and we were left to our own devices.
“Well,” I announced as I turned to my friends and then back to the avant gard castle, “it looks like we’re on our own for now. I guess we need to go this way … ”
I pointed up toward Abbadon’s castle to make sure we were all on the same page, and then I headed in the direction of the King of the Seventh Circle’s dwelling.
I just hoped it wasn’t a trap.
Chapter 12
“I can’t fucking believe Cobra Commander just up and left us,” Todd grumbled as we made our way toward the large, orange and pink castle off in the distance. “That was a total dick move, but I shoulda expected it from a literal snake like him.”
“I’m worried about what he meant by wanting us to ‘get the full experience,’” Gula announced anxiously. “What’s going to happen to us when we walk through those doors?”
“I dunno,” I admitted, “but I doubt Abbadon would go through all the trouble of bringing us out here just to kill us the second we walked inside his castle.”
“Jacob … ” Eligor warned, “that’s exactly the kind of thing Abbadon would do. He’d think it was the funniest damn thing in the universe.”
“So, I’ve gotta ask,” I pondered as I tried to figure out what kind of loon we were dealing with, “what kind of crazy is this bastard? Is he like, sadistic and evil? Or is he really an unpredictable genius? Or is it literally a form of mental illness where he laughs uncontrollably or some shit like that?”
“All of the above, I’m afraid,” Eligor sighed. “Abbadon is the embodiment of chaos. He will do things just because he thinks they’d be entertaining. I mean shit, he once went up to Earth and wiped out an entire civilization of humans, his own followers, mind you, because they spelled his name wrong on their clay tablets.”
“So, he’s driven by his ego?” I prompted further.