by Eric Vall
“Indeed,” the dark-haired succubus said with an unamused nod.
“What he’s trying to say is this bunker has survived for several thousand millennia,” I added, “I think it can handle a little bit of superheated blood.”
As the words slipped out of my mouth, I glanced over to the wall of screens that stood on the far end of the dwelling. I counted twenty-four in total, three for each of Circle of Hell. The images on the monitors showed different points of interest within each Circle, such as my own castle, Asmodeus’ “Cathedral of Love,” and the beckoning cliffs of the Second Circle. There was only one Circle missing.
The Ninth Circle. The domain of Lucifer.
“Is everything alright, Jacob?” Sia asked as her hand rested tenderly on my shoulder.
“I’m just wondering why there’s no camera to the Ninth Circle,” I admitted. “It’s strange Eligor and Lilith are spying on everybody except for Lucifer himself.”
The bunker’s momentum came to a halt with a roaring thud, and I wobbled to keep my balance.
“My Mistress may be crafty and unconventional,” Eligor explained, “but she’s not stupid. We’re already flying close to the sun just by having this bunker and spying on the rest of the Demon Kings. If we had tried to set up cameras in the Ninth Circle? Lucifer would have had our heads for that. Besides, he wouldn’t show up on the cameras, anyway.”
“Why not?” I questioned. “Don’t tell me he can turn invisible now.”
“I wish it were that simple,” Eligor sighed as she pulled out her rolling chair and sat down at the small desk in the bunker. “Lucifer appears to different people in different forms, remember?”
“Right … ” I agreed, though I had no idea where she was going with this.
“Well, that’s because his true form is said to be too insane for the human brain to even process,” she continued.
“Pfffffftttt,” Todd scoffed, “he stole that shit from Stephen King. That’s the fucking clown all over the place.”
“I don’t know who that man is, but I can assure you, Lucifer was here first,” the blonde woman shot back. “Anyway, his true form cannot be processed by the human brain, nor can it be processed by anything created to mimic the human eye. Hence, why Lucifer doesn’t show up on camera.”
“It’s actually because the camera adds ten pounds,” the voice of my father chuckled from behind me, “and I’m already pretty self-conscious about my weight.”
I could feel the blood drain from my face as his words passed through my head as smoothly as butter. Even down here, in an enchanted bunker currently hundreds of feet below ground, Lucifer had found me.
But I wasn’t going to let him get the best of me this time. No … this time, I wasn’t even going to acknowledge the bastard’s existence.
“So, uh,” I started, even though I was heavily distracted, “I don’t think I got to ask you last time … Is this where you live permanently?”
“Of course not,” Eligor mused, “this is just a traveling base of operations my Mistress and I use when we’re on the move.”
“Then where does Lilith actually live?” I continued as perspiration beaded on the side of my face. “She doesn’t seem to be aligned with any other Circle like so many other demons are.”
“Oh, I know!” Lucifer’s smooth voice mocked from the other side of the room. “Pick me!”
Eligor raised an eyebrow at me as a sly grin spread across her face.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” she cooed. “Are you yearning to relive the ‘good ‘ol days’ when you made love to her human form?”
“I dunno if I’d call those ‘good,’” Todd interjected with the tone of an overprotective mother. “Whenever Jakey’d come home from Tamira’s place, he looked like he’d been drained of every ounce of fluid in his body. That woman was a fucking vampire, I swear. I’d always ask him if he had a good time dipping his honey stick into the beehive.”
“I’m not familiar with that euphemism,” Libidine admitted as she rubbed her chin.
“You totally should be,” Todd snickered, “it’s like, one of my favorites. So, the beehive has the perfect sized hole for a sausage knob, right? And it probably feels really good, too, since it’s all warm and gooey and shit. But you can only fuck it so many times before the bees get pissed off and start stinging your yogurt slinger. And when that shit happens, Lib, it goes from a hot dog to a goddamn jumbo sausage. Not like, a little one you get from Denny’s either, I’m talking the giant ones as big as your fucking arm.”
“I-I don’t understand what any of this has to do with--” Libidine began, but Todd cut her off.
“The beehive was Tamira, and Jakey was the one plugging the hole with his schlongkadonk,” Todd explained. “It was only a matter of time before he got stung by that bitch.”
“Watch it, Todd,” Eligor warned, “she may have been playing the role of a cold-hearted bitch, but that was still my Mistress, and she had a purpose for seducing Jacob.”
“Well, she played the role reaaaallly fucking well,” the imp shuddered, “add her to the list of people who deserve an Oscar, but keep getting screwed over. Just like Leo.”
“This is so much better than that episode of The Real World I had DVRed,” Lucifer giggled mischievously, “I should have brought some popcorn along for this show.”
“Leo won his Oscar,” I reminded the imp through a cold sweat as I tried to push Lucifer out of my head.
“You alright, Jakey?” Todd asked as he tilted his head nearly ninety degrees to the side. “Our banter’s falling a little bit flat, here.”
“I’m good,” I lied. “Aren’t you gonna argue with me about Leo winning the Oscar? Maybe say ‘that wasn’t Leo, bro. That was Hagrid.’ Or something like that?”
“Bro, what’s wrong?” the imp repeated himself.
“It’s him, isn’t it?” Sia observed. “Where is he?”
I couldn’t get anything past Sia, so I sighed, slowly turned around, and pointed to the corner where the voice was coming from.
Lucifer was sitting on top of a brimstone stool with his right leg crossed over his left nonchalantly. When I pointed at him, he made an exaggerated look of surprise and lifted both his hands up into the air like he was being held at gunpoint.
“Oh, no,” he mocked, “one of your vapid Demon Lords knows where I am! Whatever shall I do, son?”
“Don’t engage, Jacob,” Superbia demanded. “I can tell by the look on your face that he’s trying to get you to engage.”
“Engage?” Lucifer scoffed. “Why would I want to beat up on my own flesh and blood? I just wanted to pop in and see how my favorite son was doing. Judging by the fact that you’re in a small, enclosed space with a handful of demons whose sole existence is based around fornicating, I’d say pretty damn well.”
I clenched my fists as my blood practically boiled inside of my body.
Insulting me was one thing, but insulting my succubi? That was something I didn’t let people get away with. Not with their lives, anyway.
A hint of red flames danced from my fingertips as I considered frying this bastard right here and now. Even if he was only an illusion, maybe that’d get him to shut the fuck up and leave us alone.
However, before I could make my move, a handful of yellow daggers shot across the room, straight toward where Lucifer was standing.
My father smiled with delight as the glowing daggers stabbed into his body, but the magic did no damage whatsoever. He just looked down at his pincushion of a torso, shook his head with amusement, and then pulled all of them out with a wave of his hand and a cast of green flames. Lucifer decast his spell, and Libidine’s normally deadly spears fell to the ground unceremoniously.
“Did--Did I get him?” Liby asked with a gasp.
“I like that one,” Lucifer chuckled to himself as he brushed a few more bits of glowing yellow shards out of his suit jacket, “but I also like this suit. I guess I’ll recuse myself for now. Farewell, my son. And good l
uck with the ladies tonight.”
The Devil shot me a coy wink before he summoned green Hellfire into his hands, snapped his fingers, and disappeared in a flash.
“Jacob?” Liby asked cautiously. “What’s he doing now?”
“He’s gone,” I sighed. “He said you were doing too much damage to his suit, so he left for now.”
“Lucifer was here?” Eclipse questioned with wide eyes. “In this room? Why couldn’t I see him?”
“He only makes himself known to me,” I explained, “it’s like, his way of fucking with me psychologically.”
“I think it might go deeper than that,” Eligor interjected. “Like most of the other demons we’ve encountered in our lives, Lucifer considers succubi to be the lowest of the low.”
“Lucifer’s Great Chain of Being,” Libidine muttered under her breath. “I hate that damn thing.”
“That’s right,” Eligor continued, “he’s the one who made the whole thing, so he’s going to follow it to a tee. You guys are way down at the bottom, just above humans. I’m not much better, since I’m a fallen angel.”
“What about me?” Todd asked as he jumped up and down and waved his hand back and forth. “Where do muscular, well-endowed, Fabio-esque imps fall on the chain?”
“Slightly above humans,” Eligor chuckled, “but still far below all Demon Lords and lesser demons in the universe.”
“I’ll take it!” Todd said as he did a little fist pump. “I always wanted Jakey’s dad to think I was cool, and now it looks like I’m finally getting my dream come true. I’m the second coolest guy in this room, bitches!”
“To finish my thought,” an obviously-annoyed Eligor rolled her eyes as Todd did a little victory dance, “the reason none of us can see Lucifer is simple … He doesn’t even think we’re worth the time of day, so he’s not going to waste his time talking to us. He’s only going to discuss his ‘business’ with those he deems worthy.”
“Then why did he show himself to Todd and me when he revealed his identity to Jacob?” Libidine questioned as she twirled a bit of her dark hair in her fingers.
Eligor shrugged. “Damned if I know.”
“He probably just wanted to make the reveal more substantial,” Sia suggested, “he definitely has a flair for the dramatic.”
“Naaaaaah,” Todd scoffed, “the dude who pretended to be a fifth-century philosopher, who went out of his way to help us defeat Azazel and wrote historical erotic fan fiction in his spare time has a flair for the dramatic? Get outta here!”
“Whatever it is, it’s getting worse,” I mumbled as I leaned up against Eligor’s desk. “He used to just appear for a split second or two, taunt me, and then leave. Now, he’s trying to have full-on conversations with me and making it abundantly clear he wants to get under my skin. Why the fuck is this happening? I thought he wanted me to be his right-hand man?”
Superbia sauntered over beside me, placed her hands on my shoulders tenderly, and looked me deep in the eyes.
“It doesn’t matter what he wants, remember?” she reminded me. “All that matters is what you want, and what you are going to do. He’ll keep trying to fluster you. Make you feel inferior or foolish or like a joke. Don’t let him.”
“That was the kind of crap Earl always pulled on us,” Libidine added, “he was always toying with us just so he could pull out the rug from underneath us and then remind us of our place.”
“It worked like a charm, too,” Gula sighed, “why do you think we never tried to break away? We didn’t think we could make it out there on our own. That is, until we met you … ”
“It’s just … getting really fucking old, that’s all,” I said somberly. “The sooner we can figure out how to get him out of my head, the better.”
“There’s only one way we can do that,” Eligor explained, “and we both know we’re quite a ways away from that.”
“That’s why it’s so important to get through Beelzebub,” I announced as I regained my composure. “As soon as the rest of the Unholy Trio are dead, then that just leaves one last stop. Lucifer. Now that we’re safely tucked away underground, we need to rest up. If what Abaddon said is true, the inner rings of the Seventh Circle aren’t gonna be a walk in the park.”
“Speaking of getting some shut eye … ” Todd pondered as he looked around the bunker, “I count seven of us, and only four cots. Unless my math is failing me, which it probably is, that means three of us either gotta sleep on the floor or get reaaaaallllly cozy with each other.”
“I’m not going to need one,” Eligor mused as she spun her chair back around to look at the screens. “I’m going to stay up and keep watch. We may be hidden deep underground, but I’m not going to take any chances. As for the rest of you, I have extra sleeping bags and blankets on the shelf over there. They’re in a wooden chest and labeled.”
“Thanks, Eligor,” I said with a nod, and then I headed over to get the rest of the sleeping equipment. “I’ll see you in the morning. Try to get some sleep, alright?”
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” the blonde knight scoffed. “And if I don’t keep guard, that might be sooner than any of us think.”
The shelf Eligor was referring to spanned the entire south wall of the bunker and was filled with everything you’d expect to see in a typical survivalist’s dwelling. There were hundreds of cans and jars, some filled with strange vegetables and some filled with unidentifiable chunks of meat. Next to those were a few necessities like rope, shovels, lanterns, and wood. Finally, shoved all the way back in the corner of the deep shelf, sat a light brown wooden chest with two leather straps. As I pulled it from its resting place, I noticed there was an image carved into the front of the box.
It was a small, colorless lotus flower whose petals were wilted back from the stem as it died. It looked like it had been hastily carved by someone in a hurry, since the lines of the flower were somewhat uneven and thick, almost as if it were drawn literally by hand.
I unfastened the straps, popped open the lid, and then yanked the soft nylon sleeping bags out of the chest.
“Alright,” I announced as I returned to the rest of the group, “who wants a cot and who wants a bag?”
“Broooo,” Todd sighed as he hoisted himself up into one of the dark green cots, “I can sleep on anything. Fuck, I got some of my best nights of sleep ever when you had me camp out in that bed of old phone books!”
“So, you want a sleeping bag?” I offered.
The imp laid down on his stomach, placed his hands underneath his chin, and then lifted his legs up into the air. Todd kicked them slowly back and forth like he was a teeny-bopper at a sleepover as he shook his head.
“Oh, I totally would, bro,” Todd giggled, “but, uh, I’m already up here on this ‘ol cot. It’s totally raggety, though. I’m actually doing you a favor by taking one.”
“It’s fine, Todd,” I reassured him, “I was going to sleep on the ground any--”
“Ya know,” the imp continued, “they’ve actually done studies showing that sleeping on the concrete ground is really good for your spine. It helps rearrange your verygays and all that.”
“Uhhhh, don’t you mean ‘vertebrae?” Gula asked as she put her hands on her hips sassily.
“That’s what I said, Firecracker,” Todd tried again, “the uruguay.”
“Vertebrae,” the redhead tried again, “v-e-r-t-e-b-r-a-e.”
“Ohhhh, right,” the imp nodded, “Art Vandalay. Got it.”
Gula crossed her arms over her chest and plopped down in a nearby cot. She and Todd could have gone on for hours, but I could tell she was having none of it.
“If you guys don’t mind,” the redheaded succubus sighed, “I need one of the cots. I’m a stomach sleeper, and well … ”
Gula reached up, grabbed her massive breasts, and bounced them a few times as she laughed.
“It’s painful to sleep on the regular ground,” Sia finished the sentence.
“It’s not a big deal.”
Eclipse shrugged as she walked over and grabbed one of the sleeping bags out of my hand. “In the Third Circle, we don’t really have any houses. I’m used to sleeping out in the cold, wet, slush-covered ground, so this is actually a step up for me.”
The tattooed succubus fluffed out her sleeping bag, bent down to adjust it, and jutted her curvy ass out as she moved.
I stared intensely at Eclipse’s curves as she shook out the sleeping bag a few more times, and her ass jiggled with each motion.
Finally, the succubus curled up into the sleeping bag, laid her head against the “pillow” that came with it, and let out a satisfied sigh.
“You sure you’ll be alright?” I asked as I laid down in my own bag.
“I’ll be fine,” the tattooed succubus reassured us all. “Just get some rest.”
Superbia and Libidine finally laid down in the remaining cots and made themselves as comfortable as they possibly could.
“Sweet dreams,” Libidine giggled to all of us. “Eclipse? Could you get the--”
“Way ahead of you,” the dark-haired succubus retorted.
Eclipse summoned black Hellfire into her hands, reached out toward the lights above us, and put them out with her spell. Now, the only light in the whole bunker was the soft, black-and-white glow that radiated off Eligor’s security monitors.
Even with the soft sleeping bag between me and the ground, I had a hard time getting settled. I could feel the cold, rigid brimstone through the padding, and the wadded-up blankets I’d been using as pillows weren’t really working for me.
Maybe a few more would help?
“Hey Todd?” I whispered as I rolled over and looked at the imp. “Do you think you could hand me a--”
My request was cut off by the loud buzzsaw of Todd’s snoring, and I knew trying to talk to the imp was futile. So, I summoned green Hellfire into my hands, wrapped it around the blanket on the other side of the imp, and then slowly carried it over to my spot on the ground. As soon as I released my spell, I folded the blanket delicately and slid it behind my head.