The Rat Eater

by Anand Ranganathan

  ‘Who, what… oh, hello sir hello, we were just talking…welcome, sir, take this chair—oye Jatinder, some chai-shai, quick.’

  Vanity restored, SP Kharbanda became almost gentle. ‘No need for that, please keep sitting...arey keep sitting, Sharma saab.’

  Adamant, DSP Sharma jumped up and then realised he’d done so too fast. He wobbled, looking for support, which he found in the drenched half-sleeve of the sub-inspector’s shirt. He tugged at it a couple of times and restored his balance. ‘We have made good progress in this case, sir.’

  ‘I knew I could rely on you. Well done. Now tell me.’

  DSP Sharma tilted his head inquisitively. ‘What, sir?’

  ‘What what sir. Who is this girl? And that young man over there—was there a struggle? He looks a little...’

  ‘Well, yes, sir. We hit the jackpot, alright. Jatinder here has done a commendable job. You see, I had instructed him to keep an eye on the dead body. Since morning, he has…’

  SP Kharbanda sat himself down, donating his baint and his headgear to the welcoming hands of the sub-inspector. ‘If you please, Sharma saab, just the results, no details—file them in the report later. I don’t have time for this. A team is on its way from Delhi as we speak. The case will be out of our hands by tomorrow. DIG saab, Special Branch, someone called Ajay Banerjee, has been put in charge of this investigation.’

  ‘Not Banerjee, Biswas sir, Biswas. He’s in charge, sir? He is well known, sir. I mean in police circles.’

  ‘Yes yes, one and the same, Sharma, one and the same.’

  ‘Er, yes sir.’

  SP Kharbanda had had enough of the chit-chat. He cleared his throat loudly. ‘Haan, now tell me.’

  ‘Y-yes, sir. In short, Jatinder caught these two at the crime scene, a full forty-eight hours after Saane’s death. Rathod of the forensic branch estimated the time of death. Mr Saane is currently—sorry sir—his body is currently undergoing autopsy. We knew Rathod would give us something in the meantime. He is very good sir, our Rathod. Also, the eyes of Mr Saane...’

  ‘Sharma saab, please, what did I tell you? Just give me some maas-machhee on these two.’

  ‘Er, yes sir. In short, Jatinder caught these two at the scene. This man, sir—Dev—he was trying to pass a mobile phone to this girl. We confiscated the phone and found that Dev here is a sleeper of the Mitoo gang.’

  ‘Hm… is this Mitoo fellow the same as that Andheri? The three ban-chos who were killed in yesterday’s encounter—they belonged to the Mitoo gang, didn’t they?’

  ‘Yes, sir. Lakhan Kitla was one of them. Dev here was passing on Kitla’s mobile phone to his girlfriend just before they were jumped on by our Jatinder. You see, sir, Lakhan Kitla and Babloo were...’

  SP Kharbanda scratched his day-old stubble with care. ‘Who is Babloo?’

  ‘One of the three who were killed yesterday. The third was Jhingaa, sir. This Mitoo gang has the support of the ruling MLA, Madhav Godbole. Inside information. Looks like a simple job—poor Mr Saane.’

  ‘Leave the politics-volitics, Sharma. I am in enough shit as it is.’

  ‘No doubt, sir.’

  ‘But tell me, how did Kitla’s phone land up with this Dev? And who is this…what’s your name, miss?’

  ‘Payal, sir.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Payal.’

  ‘Louder, madam, please.’

  ‘Payal.’

  ‘Oh, Payal…good, beti, good. Now go and sit next to your friend Dev.’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  The woman edged her feet into her chappals and laboured off to be with her friend.

  SP Kharbanda pondered over the pitiful sight. ‘Haan, so Sharma, how are these two involved in all this? They don’t look very underworld to me.’

  ‘I am coming to that, sir. The man who killed Saane, and most likely it is Kitla, dropped his mobile at the spot—this we know. Sensing that the area would be heavily guarded in the aftermath, he simply asked this sleeper Dev to go over and retrieve the phone. We knew something like this would happen, so I stationed Jatinder there in plain clothes. Sure enough, Dev arrived to carry out the job and was caught.’

  Something rattled. It made SP Kharbanda drum his knuckles on the table. ‘One minute, let me get this straight. You mean to say that Kitla killed Saane on the orders of Godbole a full two or more days ago, given that Kitla himself was killed yesterday?’

  ‘Well, sir, exactly.’

  ‘What exactly? It doesn’t add up, Sharma. You mean for two days, Saane saab’s body was rotting in that bag and no one noticed it, or the smell? And what about Kitla? He must have realised very soon that his mobile was missing and given that the bastard was killed yesterday, he must have asked Dev to retrieve it before he was killed. No?’

  DSP Sharma wheezed for air. ‘Y-yes, sir.’

  ‘What yes sir? And this means Dev had two days to go and get the phone but decided to go there only this morning? Why? No, Sharma saab, this is too hi-fi for me.’

  There was silence in the room, except for the distant moans of the male suspect. SP Kharbanda waited. He drummed his fingers on the table twice and inspected his giant topaz ring. ‘Well, Sharma saab?’

  The last recourse for a subordinate: throw in the towel, lunge at the feet of your superior, clasp the ankles if only to be dragged along—all of which DSP Sharma had now commenced in sequence. ‘S-sir, I am sorry. Jatinder here convinced me...’

  SP Kharbanda snatched his baint from the sub-inspector’s light grip. ‘Sharma, you…one minute, you mean to say you made this all up?’

  ‘Er, s-sir…’

  ‘Ban-cho. This sort of thing is good at sub-inspector, inspector level. You are a DSP!’

  SP Kharbanda pushed back his chair and got up. ‘We are screwed, ban-cho, that’s all there is. Saali Dilli team arrives tomorrow and what’s more, I was so sure of our success that I told the higher-ups we have had a victory in the case. What will I do now? The team will kill us, Sharma. We’ll be the laughing stock of the whole department. This will not do. You hear me? This just will not do!’

  DSP Sharma stood rooted to his spot, head lowered.

  ‘Well, don’t just stand there like an ass! Say something!’

  Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything, DSP Sharma counselled himself repeatedly.

  SP Kharbanda roared. ‘And you, what was your name? Satinder? Watinder? You think you are some RAW agent who can cook something up in a minute? You get out of my sight, right now.’

  There was an immediate shuffling of feet.

  ‘Oye not you, Sharma. Where do you think you are off to?’

  ‘Sorry, sir, I...’

  ‘Listen, there’s no denying that you and this bastard, whatever his name is, are two of the most senseless ban-chos I have seen in a while...’

  ‘So sorry, sir.’

  ‘You better be. But now we can’t leave everything like this, only for the team to hang us out to dry. We have got to recover the situation.’

  SP Kharbanda kicked the chair, bringing it into position for him to sit on. ‘Now listen—and no mistake this time, you understand?’

  DSP Sharma couldn’t believe his luck. ‘Anything, sir, please.’

  ‘But first you tell me exactly where we are right now on this case. And if I catch you making up stories again, I will make sure a formal procedure is constituted and I will personally ban-cho strip you of all your seva medals, rank, shirt, pant, right down to your soiled VIP, you got that?’

  ‘Believe me, sir, I will myself strip in front of you if I am found lying…that bastard Jatinder put me to this scheme of his. I am so sorry, sir.’

  ‘I said, go on.’

  This was easy for DSP Sharma. All he had to do was add a dash of fact to a bubbling and steaming cauldron of fiction, something that he was adept at, having supervised the drafting of post-mortem case reports early on in his career.

  ‘Believe me, sir, this is all we know: We found the body this morning after a jogger p
honed the PCR control room. Almost immediately I was on the scene and realised at once that it was Mr Saane, still wearing his Gandhi cap. His body had been stuffed inside a black plastic bag. I ordered Jatinder to stick around and asked for the body to be sent to forensics. Just after lunch, when I was having my tea and rusk, Jatinder brought in these two. This girl, Payal, has since been under the supervision of a female constable as per the rules, and this fellow here, Dev, was taken to the next room by Jatinder, for, er, some further interrogation. Sorry, sir, but we haven’t been able to get anything more on this case. Bastard Jatinder coaxed me into involving Dev in an underworld connection story, sir, otherwise I would never have...’

  SP Kharbanda grunted loudly. ‘Enough! What is done is done. Now, you listen very carefully. All is not lost. We can still give the Delhi team some results.’

  ‘Definitely, sir.’

  ‘Here’s exactly what you have to do. And I mean exactly. Don’t bother to think on your own—just do what you are told.’

  ‘Sure, sir.’

  SP Kharbanda lowered his voice conspiratorially. ‘Take Dev to the water cooler and give him a nice cold wash. Scrub all those belt and buckle marks. Get one of your langoors in the next room and give him a few tight ones on the face, two on the ear—you know the sort.’

  ‘That’ll be Jatinder, sir, who else.’

  ‘Yes yes, anyone, it doesn’t matter. Blood must be seen on the officer. If a tooth comes out, that’s a bonus.’

  DSP Sharma looked cheerfully thought of the sub-inspector. ‘Sure, sir.’

  ‘Then call up magistrate saab. You have a connection?’

  ‘Sure, sir, all our landlines are in full working order...’

  ‘Oye ban-cho Birbal ki aulaad, by connection I didn’t mean a phone connection, you…’

  ‘Oh. Sorry sir, yes sir, Jatinder has, he mentioned Tilak having...’

  ‘Yes yes, fix it. Make Jatinder record his statement in front of magistrate saab. No, don’t let that idiot write down anything. You do it for him. Got that?’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘Your underworld connection story will do for the time being. But some loose ends must be tied first. This mobile phone that you confiscated—I mean, what exactly did you have in mind?’

  ‘Sir, we would have used Kitla’s phone, only removed the SIM card.’

  ‘No need for that. Put back the SIM card. Make Dev call up Kitla using Dev’s phone, you got that? I am assuming Dev has a phone. Otherwise get one for him for this purpose. Ask Dev to speak hello shello, anything—you make it up. It should be clear to the magistrate that Dev has a connection with Kitla.’

  ‘Sure, sir. But who will speak to Dev? From the other end, I mean.’

  SP Kharbanda punched the cone, only to quickly inspect his topaz ring. Relieved that the bone-crushing sound was probably because of something else, he stalled the belly-dancing light cone with his paw. ‘My great-grandfather, that’s who. Ban-cho, obviously magistrate saab has never heard the real Kitla speak, and thankfully now never will. Get someone to speak as Kitla. You got that?’

  ‘Sure, sir. Er...’

  ‘Yes? You want to say something?’

  ‘No no, sir, all is fine…er, it’s just that if Dev, I mean, you know what I mean when I say Dev...’

  ‘Out with it, ban-cho.’

  ‘S-sorry, sir, but won’t magistrate saab get to know the date and time of the call that Dev makes to Kitla? Er, but if you...’

  SP Kharbanda thwacked the table with his baint. ‘Yes, good point.’

  ‘Th-thank you, sir.’

  ‘One, don’t mention the date and time of the calls in your report—and also when you are saying all this to magistrate saab, try and hurry him up, you understand? Two, as backup, get someone from the technical wing to sort this out. Ban-cho we can send that Chawla chhori into space, but we can’t change a simple date and time on a SIM card?’

  ‘Yes, sir, got you. One last thing, sir, this girl Payal…’

  ‘Yes yes, I was coming to that. Tell her that if she doesn’t cooperate, we’ll bring in her mother, father, brother—well, you know the rest. Tell her we will portray her as a call girl involved with a Mitoo gang sleeper. These things usually stick and give some credibility to our story.’

  DSP Sharma was beginning to see it through to the end. ‘They do, sir.’

  ‘Tell her she is a nice girl and we wouldn’t dream of doing any of this, if only she says in front of the magistrate that Dev was moving about the spot under, under… what’s that nice official phrase that I forget, ban-cho–’

  ‘Suspicious circumstances?’

  ‘Yes, suspicious circumstances. Tell her to say all this to the magistrate saab. Haan, and also that the bastard followed her while she was doing, I don’t know, yoga-shoga in the park, and then forced her to keep a mobile phone for the time being.’

  ‘Perfect, sir.’

  ‘Remember, only Payal and Jatinder must give statements in person to magistrate saab. Dev must not. So do something to Dev saab so he cannot speak in front of the magistrate. Or do I have to do that, too?’

  ‘No no, sir, got it.’

  ‘Get magistrate saab to sanction a fourteen-day police custody. And ring up Inspector Bhujangi, that Sansani fellow. This case needs all the sensationalising it can get. Now, if we are finished, I have too much to do before the team arrives. You got all that?’

  ‘Sir, you are a genius, sir, a one hundred percent genius.’

  SP Kharbanda raised himself up clinging on, as usual, either the hairy arm or the sweaty shirt of a fellow officer or sometimes, even a dangling amulet. He was nonchalant but in need of a little more flattery. ‘Yes yes, alright.’

  DSP Sharma was only too pleased to oblige. ‘That’s why, sir, I am just a DSP and you are an SP.’

  ‘Yes, now don’t butter my hairy ass.’

  DSP Sharma hunched over and touched SP Kharbanda’s kneecaps, one by one. ‘What a relief, sir. Thank you—really, sir, thank you.’

  ‘You are welcome. Jai Hind.’

  ‘Jai Hind, sir.’

  Have you ever been to an Indian thana, say in Pipli or Nidadavolu? Don’t know where that is? Correct, it’s next to Salem, Connecticut.

  Thana. Go on. Step inside. Be brave. You will be raped in twenty-seven languages and a million dialects. You will be spat on. You will drink urine. And if you are lucky, you will die. But if you are reading this, there’s a good chance you are not among the lucky ones.

  Policemen in India are a scared lot. They will shit on you because that’s what they know—they have been shat on all their lives and this here is their chance. Those people huddled in corners and shaking at the edges. This is the opportunity for policemen to strike back. And there are so many ways to give back—why not, why not, indeed. All is fear in life and death.

  We are so subservient it has altered our morphology. In photos of Indians next to other Indians—or for that matter anyone—we stand in what is now called covering the crotch position. Hands juxtaposed strangely in front, for ladies and gents. In football it is necessary before a free kick. This is the Indian version.

  The police is afraid of the police who is afraid to police. Shoulders lunging forward, arms covering pot bellies, breath-holding selfie moment. Awkward? What awkward. Their dictionary starts and ends with ‘Do you know who I am?’, which is also the favourite line of famous people. When they get an opportunity to know themselves, they hit us. Who is to blame—us, them or kismet? Zindagi? It is not easy being a cop in India—in fact, it is especially bad to be one.

  Oh look who just swung in through the saloon doors. ‘Saaley, kuttay, masoom pe haath uthate ho? Maa kasam…’ and six policemen lie dead on the floor. A few minutes ago, he had just rolled over a few bones on the curb. No, footpath. Amchi Mumbai or Namma Bengaluru—how does it matter? Same skeletons, another place. Another bitia, tibia, skull, socket joint, humerus, fragments from a crushed foot. That’s all that remained anyway, one fateful night in Mum
bai. Stupid skeleton, wanted to sleep on a pavement and that too in the middle of the night. But one or two bones squeaked. How dare they! An FIR should be lodged against squeaking bones for noise pollution. Ban bones. Oh, sounds so chic. These beggars—who do they think they are? And for years now, a certain thana in Mumbai is quivering with fear, wondering what being human means to a monkey. Do monkeys have biceps?

  What do policemen in India do after the criminal has been caught in the movie and after we have all clapped and whistled? The khaki uniform is so disrespected even the starch revolts, especially when policemen wear half and full pants so stiff the canvas crackles as if you were sharpening a knife with the crease. They call it the unicorn. Can’t run, can’t sit, can’t lie down, can’t stand. All they can do is sweat. People fear sweat-drenched khaki more than they do khaki. Sweat denotes anger as much as fear.

  Indian police stations are places where everything except a leaking tap can be fixed. This is where false is true and true is false, where body parts are made to appear and disappear, sometimes swiftly, sometimes with studied deliberation, as the dead come alive and the alive jump out of their skin. Don’t have evidence? Manufacture it. Have evidence? Destroy it. Defile the file. Too many files? Destroy the building. Easy. Set fire to it. Damp matchbox? Then go on leave, or better still, say there’s nothing to hide. Destroy, defile, deny. Here, behind that wall, across the hallway, are stacks of files. No one knows, few care and even fewer come to find out.

  Welcome to my cell where a six-foot-tall man can be found hanging from a six-foot-high ceiling. Or where a man dies because he bit a live wire. Yes, that’s how justice is delivered in India while holders of positions and carriers of justice speak about it as a miscarriage.

  One gets a strange sense of an India, which is forever pregnant with Justice—she’s either delivering it, aborting it or suffering a miscarriage. Feminine gender.

  What is the ratio in India of people to police? Some say three lakh to every cop, some put the figure upwards of half a million. But who knows and who cares. Probably as many as the rats that run around our ration shops.

  The police officers in India know when to produce evidence and when to do a Houdini. They watch before they act. But before they watch, we do. Crime has to be given a name these days. It is no longer just a murder, a rape or a lynching. The context makes all the difference; otherwise, it is just another dead rat. A girl lies strewn, bleeding to death. We don’t stop our cars because we are in a rush to buy candles and placards with which to manufacture outrage over her coming death. We are such cowards that we even deprive a woman of her name. But crime has a name. Own it. Face it. Embrace it. It is yours.