The Rat Eater

by Anand Ranganathan

  ‘Thank you, inspector, please stay with us, we have many more questions; back to the studio.’

  SP Kharbanda threw away the kullarh in disgust. ‘Well, I’ll be...Sharma? This bastard Gokhale is spilling the beans completely. Who gave him permission to do all this?’

  ‘Well, sir I..., er…sir, the train announcement.’

  Not quite Aakashvaani, the sonorous voice from the clouds, but more of a loud and sharp grunt, filled the already heavy air. ‘Passengers, meeters, and, greeters are, notified, this, that, two, nine, five, four, down, Mumbai, August, Kranti, coming, from, New, Delhi, to, Mumbai, Central, via, Hazrat Nizamuddin, Mathura, Sawai Madhopur, Kota.’

  SP Kharbanda was not used to being made to wait. He addressed the loudspeaker.

  ‘C’mon, c’mon, bitch, what’s taking you so long?’

  DSP Sharma thought it fit to fill in the blanks. ‘Sir, believe it or not, this is a recorded message. The words are spoken by a lady, then put inside a computer that then assembles them in the correct order for transmission. That’s why, sir, if you notice, the ending tone of every word doesn’t fit with the starting tone of the next word. It’s quite clever actua...’

  ‘Shut up.’

  ‘Sorry, sir.’

  ‘…Nagda, Ratlam, Vadodara, Bharuch, Vapi, and, Borivali, scheduled, to, arrive, at, eleven, hundred, hours, on, platform, number, two, is, now, arriving, at, eleven, hundred, and, thirty, hours, on, platform, number, twelve. Any inconvenience is greatly regretted, thank you.’

  SP Kharbanda flung the empty Hide & Seek packet and gave the mooda an almighty kick, making the sub-inspector instinctively chase it.

  ‘What the.... Arey Sharma, did you hear that. Saali train’s now coming at number twelve. I’ll hang that bastard stationmaster. And this bitch.’

  ‘Yes, sir, really sorry for this inconvenience. These railwaywallahs, taking this country for granted. Now we’d have to go up the stairway, to the overbridge, all the way to twelve and then all the way down the…C-2, sir, C-2 is the coach number.’

  ‘I don’t ban-cho care, Sharma, why are you telling me? What a life.’

  The men raced the stairways and the connecting bridges, brushing aside coolies, hawkers, beggars and one or two unfortunate sufferers of elephantiasis obstructing the passageway, descending finally on the new platform, hands on knees. In celebration, the old lady crossed the T and put in the dot. ‘…to, Mumbai, Central, has, now, arrived, at, platform, number, twelve. Any inconvenience is greatly regretted, thank you.’

  The officers watched helplessly as coach after coach slid past with no intention of stopping. ‘Rukti nahi saali.’ The three sighed in unison.

  Meanwhile, near the entrance of the vaataanukulit C-2, an anxious couple was scanning the crowded platform.

  ‘Can you see him, Api? He should be here if he got my email. Draw the curtain a bit more. Can you see him?’

  Aparajita swung her head round excitedly. ‘Yes, I see him. I see him. That’s Akhil alright. There he is. We have gone past him now. Looks just the same, Ajay, just the same. And what’s this? It appears someone has sent a paltan in our honour.’

  Ajay, too, had noticed the three officers trying desperately to keep pace with the train that refused to slow down. ‘Oh, good. My message reached them in time. Damn, will this train ever come to a stop?’

  When, finally, Lord Jagannath came to rest—half of it beyond the platform—there was an immediate commotion, not in the least caused by the throng of coolies who insisted on getting in first. Sweat, bone, flesh, D-cups, talcum powder, hairy arms, colour, backpacks, coconut oil, suitcases…

  ‘You go from the left, Ajay. Careful, with that...’

  ‘Haan haan…Arey, Api.’

  ‘Haan bhai…uff, beta, just let me pass. Thanks… Sir, could you, yes, just move, move please, just a bit? Thanks. Ajay? Ajay?’

  ‘Ya ya, I am coming. Why does everyone have to get down all at once. Goddam...’

  Ajay broke through and in the same instant managed to spot a familiar face on the platform. ‘There, I can see him. Akhil? Oye, Akhil!’

  Akhil, who had had to run the entire length of the platform, overlooked the discomfort at the sight of his friend, now dangling from the entrance railing.

  ‘Ajay? Abey, saaley! How are you? C’mon get down, man. Where’s Api? Did she come? I got your email yesterday night. Fifteen years, and all you write is one sentence, you bastard.’

  ‘I wasn’t sure of your email id, man. Got it from the IIT website—took a chance.’

  ‘Where’s Api?’

  Ajay got down and rushed to greet his friend.

  ‘Hi, saaley. Just wait a sec till this crowd thins out. She’s at the other exit. Do you see her?’

  ‘Ajay, you dog. Now let me see. Api?’

  Aparajita, struggling to get down from the train, heard her name being called by a familiar voice. Magically, she appeared at the door and jumped, her suitcases following behind.

  ‘Hi, Akhil. How are you? Good heavens, you haven’t changed one bit.’

  ‘What—in fifteen years? Here, let me take that bag. Come, give me your hand. Great you could come, too.’

  ‘Had to. Ajay told me of his trip—said it could take him a while, a month. So, like the loving wife that I am...’

  ‘I believe you.’

  ‘No, actually the Uni’s closed for the summer. Here he comes.’

  Ajay hurried over, a part of him worried they now had one suitcase less. ‘Hi, Akhil.’

  ‘Hi, AB. Great to see you two after all these years.’

  ‘You look just the same, Aks my man, you bastard.’

  ‘But you have changed, you bugger. Grey hair, double chin, glasses, wrinkles, paunch.’

  ‘Enough. I can get you arrested for this.’

  ‘On what charges?’

  ‘Outraging the modesty of a police officer.’

  ‘Guilty as charged.’

  ‘Oh man, so good to see you, Aks.’

  ‘Listen, some chaps behind you, with a garland.’

  ‘What? Oh, hello there.’

  There they were, indeed—Mumbai Police’s finest—drenched by their own and other peoples’ sweat, belt buckles adrift, caps no longer on their heads, shoes almost opening at their mouths, standing to attention but not at ease. Sub-Inspector Jatinder was the first one to react, hiding the mooda behind his legs. DSP Sharma inspected the garlands and dusted the out-of-place petals. But it was SP Kharbanda, the senior-most among them, who was the first to open his mouth.

  ‘Hello, sir. Welcome to Mumbai. I hope the journey was safe and sound.’

  Ajay smiled. ‘Yes, very. Thank you.’

  ‘Great to see you, sir—finally. Have heard so much about you.’

  ‘What have you been hearing?’

  ‘Just this and that, sir. Climbing the ladder of success so fast and all.’

  ‘You are SP Mohinder Kharbanda, no?’

  SP Kharbanda beamed. ‘Yes, yes, you know of me? That’s an honour, sir, indeed. This is Superintendent of Police Mohinder Pratap Kharbanda reporting, sir.’

  ‘Arey, what’s this, Kharbanda saab, please. No reporting-shiporting, bhai. And these two are…’

  ‘DSP Mohan Kumar Sharma and Sub-Inspector Jatinder.’

  ‘Well, thank you for coming over to receive me.’

  SP Kharbanda spoke for all three. ‘No problem, sir, it is our holy duty.’

  ‘Oh. Kharbanda saab, this is my wife, Api—Aparajita. She’s a lecturer of English at Delhi University.’

  SP Kharbanda was all grace and charm. ‘Very pleased to meet you, madam. Welcome to Mumbai.’

  ‘Thank you, Mr Kharbanda.’

  ‘And this here, SP saab, is my best friend—Akhil Sukumar. BA, MA, PhD, Cantab.’

  Akhil rolled his eyes even as Ajay continued: ‘Assistant professor of chemistry at IIT Mumbai. I have known him from the time he’d take Kachuachaap in one hand and a Nestle Everyday in the other and sprint off before you could say:
shit man Akhil, that flush ain’t working.’

  Api admonished Ajay with a slap on his wrist. ‘Ajay! Take no notice of him, SP saab. Actually, both Ajay and I know Akhil from our Delhi college days—Stephen’s. And we haven’t seen him for fifteen years, can you believe it?’

  ‘Is that so? Oh, how nice. My pleasure to meet you, Professor Akhil. And, er, sir, you mentioned something like kitab…’

  ‘No, Cantab. Cambridge. That’s where the idiot wasted most of his adulthood.’

  ‘Well, an honour to meet you, Sukumar saab.’

  Akhil shook SP Kharbanda’s hand warmly. ‘Likewise, SP saab. Anytime you’d like to visit IIT, please let me know.’

  ‘Sure, Professor saab, thank you.’

  Ajay looked at his watch. ‘Right then, Kharbanda saab, I think we should make a move. There are a few things—first of all, were you alerted by DSP Vijay Kumar and his three colleagues who are also arriving today?’

  The pecking order was suitably uninformed and clueless. ‘Er, no, sir. Sharma, did you know of this?’

  ‘No, sir, I didn’t. Jatinder?’

  ‘No, sir, definitely not.’

  Ajay stroked his chin. ‘That’s strange. They called me up and confirmed that a message had been sent to Mumbai headquarters. Well anyway, they are arriving today. If I remember correctly, by Golden Temple Express.’

  SP Kharbanda displayed his attention to detail. ‘But, sir, Golden Temple was supposed to arrive at five-forty in the morning.’

  ‘Really? Then either they have arrived, looked around, not found any party and left for the headquarters, or…can you find…has the bloody train arrived today at all?’

  ‘I’ll get it checked at once, sir. Arey, Sharma, just find out.’

  ‘Ji, sir. Arey, Jatinder? Yes, Golden Temple.’

  ‘Ji, sir. Arey, coolie? Did the Golden Temple come in this morning?’

  ‘No saab, it is late by eight hours.’

  SP Kharbanda felt duty bound to convey the results of the police investigation to his higher-up but was cut short by Ajay.

  ‘Shit. Ya, I heard that. Well, Kharbanda, we can’t leave them in the lurch—poor fellows didn’t have any reservations. Buggers must have sat huddled up next to the toilet, and in this heat.’

  ‘That’s terrible, sir.’

  ‘Listen, Kharbanda, can you ask someone to receive them while we get going? I’d appreciate that.’

  ‘Sure, sir, no problem. Er, Sharma? Can you and Jatinder stay back and receive the team? It’s only one or two more hours.’

  Sharma looked up, trying to decipher the colour of the sky.

  SP Kharbanda broke the silence. ‘Sharma saab?’

  ‘Er, no problem, s-sir, no problem at all.’

  Ajay patted Kharbanda’s shoulder. ‘Thanks, Kharbanda. That’ll cheer them up. Even more so when they see the garlands.’

  SP Kharbanda collected the garlands from Ajay and passed them on to the waiting hands of DSP Sharma. ‘Er, yes sir, of course.’

  ‘So, this is the plan. Api? You go with Akhil to the guest house while Kharbanda and I go down to the HQ and get a grip on things. I’ll see you guys in the evening. Okay, Akhil? Kharbanda saab?’

  Api protested. ‘But, Ajay, what’s the big hurry—we have just landed, yaar. Can’t this wait till tomorrow? Besides, Akhil may have things to do.’

  ‘No, that’s alright guys, I took the day off. Hey, what’s this about a guesthouse? No way.’

  Ajay tried to soften Akhil’s disappointment. ‘Arey Aks, this time you’ll have to excuse us, man. The case has to be cracked pronto, you know. I thought it best not to trouble you. Besides, we’ll make sure we get together almost every other day.’

  ‘Hey man, it’s no trouble. The house is vacant when I am in the lab. And you can’t have Api all locked up in a guesthouse—didn’t you say it could be a month?’

  ‘No formality-vormality, yaar. Listen, why don’t we start off with the guesthouse and then maybe after a week, shift to your pad? It’s just that this place is quite near the headquarters—convenient. Your place is way off. Promise—in a week’s time.’

  ‘Alright, but I don’t like it one bit. I better see you in the evening. Where’s this guesthouse?’

  ‘Just off Pedder Road—listen, thanks man.’

  ‘Shut up and piss off.’

  ‘Talking of pissing off, the bloody toilet in there was straight out of Trainspotting. Seen Trainspotting, Kharbanda saab?’

  ‘What, train…potting…sir?’

  ‘Arey never mind. The toilets?’

  ‘Sir, if you could kindly, er, hold in for just thirty more minutes, we’ll be at the HQ. The toilets at this station are a photocopy of the ones in the trains, believe me, sir. Once I discovered the urinal had its connecting pipe missing. Bastards. And that day I was wearing my new shoes.’

  ‘As you say, Kharbanda.’

  ‘Promise, sir.’

  ‘Api, Aks, if you could take the luggage as well. Let’s plan on going out tonight.’

  Akhil wagged a finger. ‘You better.’

  ‘I give you a policeman’s word, my sweet boy. What more do you want. Now. Shall we, Kharbanda? I take it you have arranged for a car.’

  ‘Sure, sir. Please follow me. This way.’

  SP Kharbanda thought it fit to counsel his juniors even as he cleared the way for his senior.

  ‘Arey Sharma, just handle the situation here. Get the team to the headquarters, okay?’

  DSP Sharma thought he’d convey his disappointment through some peace and quiet but SP saab was never one to let go of a tail.

  ‘Sharma?’

  Silence.

  ‘Sharma!’

  ‘Er, yes, sir, sure. No problem. You go ahead, sir, I’ll manage.’

  Satisfied, SP Kharbanda resumed his official duty, which was to guide DIG Ajay Biswas through the limited mess and into the unlimited variety that lay in store for them just outside of the station.

  Akhil, too, decided to make a move. ‘Let’s go, Api. Give me that suitcase. You’d like a Coke or something? One sec, let me just light up.’

  ‘So you haven’t quit.’

  ‘Many times.’

  ‘And you found?’

  ‘That I am not a quitter.’

  ‘No seriously yaar, you should quit. One fine day. Decide. Then just quit.’

  ‘What about you. When did you quit? Or have you?’

  Api threw her head back and laughed. ‘Not really, no. Just once in a while though, in the bathroom, with the exhaust on. Actually, wouldn’t mind a little drag right now. What is it? Thanks.’

  ‘Gold Flake. So. Has Ajay changed? His gait certainly suggests he is in serious need of some uthhak-baithhak.’

  ‘Seriously yaa. Have told him hajaar times to go out, jog, run, at least walk to the office.’

  ‘Look at him pulling up his trousers to hide that paunch of his—just look at him.’

  ‘Arey, that’s intentional. He has started wearing his belt one hole to the left so he can do that pulling up thing and tell his friends he has lost weight.’

  ‘What a bastard. No, I mean changed—from how he was back in college.’

  ‘I don’t know. Perhaps he has. You knew him best, you should know.’

  ‘But I am not married to him. Thankfully. Haan, how much boss? Do thanda and one badi Gold Flake.’

  ‘Twenty rupees, saab.’

  ‘Here…Shall we, Api?’

  ‘Ya, let’s go.’

  DSP Sharma and Sub-Inspector Jatinder watched Akhil and Api depart. Much to his relief, DSP Sharma realised he was the senior-most now.

  ‘Just us two now, Jatinder. There they go, the memsaab and her professor.’

  ‘Yes, sir.’

  ‘Arey Jatinder. Bastard, was there any message at the headquarters? About Golden Temple?’

  ‘Er, yes sir, there was. Now what can I say; the train comes so early in the morning and so I thought...’

  DSP Sharma slapped his potbelly. ‘Jat
inder.’

  ‘Sorry, sir, really sorry. I thought the team would come over on their own. I mean, they aren’t milk-drinking tots, are they, sir.’

  ‘Oye ban-cho, you didn’t even stop and think for a minute that the message could be traced? I mean, who received and signed for the telex?’

  ‘Myself only, sir.’

  ‘Then?’

  ‘Yes sir, sorry, I didn’t think tha...’

  ‘We could have sent some lazy bastards to receive the team. Now the two of us, hanging here like langoors.’

  ‘Very sorry, sir. But I promise to make up for it. Please wait—I’ll get some hot chola bhatura and tea for you. Or would you prefer some hot-hot puri-aloo?’

  ‘I would prefer bheja-fry. Yours.’

  The sub-inspector hung his head in shame.

  DSP Sharma was satisfied with the duration of punishment. ‘Achha bas bas. Go get something nice and hot. What is the time?’

  ‘Sir, your watch says twelve forty-five.’

  ‘Well, this is great. Now I have to sit around and wait for another hour. And what are you staring at, hain? Take these useless garlands with you...Listen.’

  ‘Passengers, meeters, and, greeters are, notified, this, that, two, nine, zero, four, down, Golden, Temple, Express, coming, from, Amritsar, to, Mumbai, Central, via, Beas, Jalandhar, City, Jalandhar, Cant…’

  DSP Sharma rapped his baint on the thigh. ‘Oh, no. She’ll take ban-cho hours.’

  ‘…Phagwara, Ludhiana, Ambala, Jagadhr, Saharanpur, Muzaffarnagar, Meerut…’

  ‘You bitch.’

  ‘…Ghaziabad, Delhi, New, Delhi, Faridabad, Mathura, Bayana, Shri, Mahabirji…’

  ‘You computer bitch.’

  ‘…Gangapur, City, Sawai, Madhopur, Kota, Bhawani, Mandi, Nagda, Ratlam…’

  ‘I’ll kill you.’

  ‘…Dahod, Godhra, Vadodara, Borivali, and, Dadar, scheduled, to, arrive, at…’

  ‘I’ll ban-cho kill you.’

  ‘…zero, six, hundred, hours, on…’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘…platform, number, seven, is, now…’