Vacant Voices (Blind Barriers Trilogy Book 3)

by Sophie Davis

  “Questions can wait,” Blake replied dismissively.

  “They’ll have to,” I said. “We don’t have much time.”

  One of Blake’s eyebrows winged upward, alarm flitting through his eyes an instant later. “What do you mean ‘time’?”

  “I can’t stay.” I shook my head. “Not right now. Raven must be the one.”

  She was there, too—inside my head, wandering closer and closer to the darkness. No! You can’t go!

  “Okay….”

  “If she leaves now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to get her back,” I tried to explain.

  I wasn’t making sense. I knew that. But Blake—wonderful, loyal, loving Blake—didn’t look at me as though I was crazy, which was how I would have looked at him had our roles been reversed.

  “I’m trying to understand, Lark,” Blake said patiently. “I want to understand.”

  “And you will,” I promised him. “As soon as this is all over, you will understand. Right now….” I ran a hand through my hair, stalling for time to collect my thoughts. “Raven has to be the one. I don’t have all the answers yet. But I’m so close, Blake. So close,” I repeated.

  “Okay, okay. Let me help you find the answers.”

  I shook my head sadly. “You can’t. It doesn’t work like that. I need….” Frustrated by my own inability to articulate precisely what I needed, I trailed off and stared into the eyes of the only person who’d truly ever loved me.

  “What do you need, Lark?” Blake’s voice was barely above a whisper. Had I not been sitting in his lap, his question would have never reached my ears.

  “You.” It was the most truthful answer I could have given. It was the reason I’d fought my way through the fog and seized control from Raven—not that she had any qualms about relinquishing the reins. If anything, she was happy to take a break.

  Raven often worried about what would happen to her once the scavenger hunt was over when, in her mind, she would no longer have a purpose. I didn’t blame her for being scared. I was scared, too. Saturday and the public confrontation with my parents would be a turning point for all of us—Raven, Lila, and myself. There was no telling what the future held for any of us, and that was why I wanted this night with Blake.

  Fresh tears weaving down my cheeks, I cupped Blake’s face in my hands and leaned in until our foreheads touched. “I need you. No questions. No talking. Tonight, just you and me. Please, can you do that?”

  Silence hung between us as Blake considered my request. He wanted to argue, I could tell. But he loved me too much to deny me anything in that moment. Finally, he brought his lips to mine, and slid his hands up underneath my tank. When his mouth moved from mine, and he began trailing kisses down my throat. With impressive speed and impeccable balance, Blake managed to flip us around and gently lay me on top of the comforter.

  Sighing contentedly, I settled into the pillows as Blake slid my tank top up to expose my stomach. It had been so long since I’d felt his touch, felt his skin against mine, and I wanted to savor every second of our time together. Blake must have felt the same way, because he took his time, even once all our clothes were discarded puddles on the floor.

  Maybe it was because over a year—fourteen months, twenty-two days, and three hours to be precise—had passed since our last time together, but every kiss, every caress was more intense than I remembered. And yet, being with Blake felt just as natural as it always had. We were just as in synch, just as attuned with one another as we had been while dancing that first night at the Met Ball. Maybe even more so, if that was possible.

  Sometime well after midnight but well before sunrise, Blake and I laid entwined in one another’s arms on top of the covers. My head rested against his chest, directly over his heart, and he played with my hair as I stared out the floor-to-ceiling windows at a streetlight that flickered on and off across from The Pines. Blake hummed softly, an old song that his parents had danced to at their wedding and he’d always loved.

  “I need to tell you something,” I announced, continuing to watch the bulb that struggled to stay lit.

  Sweeping my hair over one shoulder, he deposited soft, kisses down my neck. “I thought we weren’t talking,” he whispered against my skin.

  “We aren’t. Well, we weren’t. You still aren’t. Please, just let me say this before I change my mind.”

  Blake stiffened, correctly interpreting the shift away from a romantic atmosphere. He remained silent and still and waited while I mustered the strength to say my piece. But when I did finally start talking, even I was surprised by the words that came out of my mouth. “How do you feel about Raven?”

  Beneath me, Blake was so still I wondered if he was holding his breath. It took me another long moment to gather the courage to look up at him. Beneath long lashes and heavy eyelids, his gaze was guarded, unusual for Blake who normally wore his emotions openly.

  “You aren’t a fan?” I guessed, trying not to sound too disappointed.

  He regarded me carefully, and when he spoke, his words were measured. “I don’t know Raven well enough to have an opinion.”

  “You’ve spent a lot of time with her the past few days. It seemed like you two were getting along,” I insisted.

  Blake squirmed, which made my insides squirm.

  “She is pretty laid back, right? Easy to get along with? Not nearly as high maintenance as I am,” I tried.

  Averting his gaze, Blake let his hands fall to the bed to rest at his sides.

  “Blake? Say something, please. You’re being really weird and not like yourself at all.” I sat up and crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly very self-conscious and acutely aware that we were on the verge of a fight and I was naked.

  “What do you want me to say exactly, Lark?” he asked, his tone devoid of all emotion.

  “Um, the truth? It’s not like I asked you a trick question. I get that this is weird—”

  “You asked me how I feel about a girl who shares your body, who is like you in so many ways and yet nothing like you others. Then, you try to sell me on her like you’re setting us up on a blind date.” He must not have realized how worked up he was, but the horrified look on my face put an end to his rant and tried to backpedal. “Shit, Lark….” Blake reached for me, but I rolled off the bed, snatching my robe from the floor and wrapping it around my body. “Lark, sweetheart, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get upset.”

  “Is that…seriously? I-I….” I was speechless. Yet when I replayed my side of the conversation in my head, I had to admit that my communication skills were lacking.

  “What’s so funny?” Blake demanded.

  “I’m not trying to set you up with Raven,” I managed between giggles. “We just had sex for the first time in over a year. Do you really think I’d pawn you off on my alter ego now?”

  “I don’t know.” Throwing his arms up, he looked and sounded exasperated.

  “You don’t know?” I repeated, all traces of humor gone.

  “That’s not what I meant. I know you wouldn’t do that. But Lark….” He trailed off as if expecting—hoping?—I’d fill in the blank and let him off the hook.

  “But what?” I demanded.

  “Lark, please. I don’t want to fight with you.”

  Arms crossed over my chest like armor, I glared down my nose at Blake for a full minute before relenting. “You were going to say that I lied to you, for a very long time, weren’t you? That’s what came after the ‘but’, right?”

  He didn’t flinch under the accusation, but I could tell he regretted going down this road when our time together was so short. “Yes,” he admitted. “I am sorry. It’s unfair—”

  “No,” I shook my head, “you don’t say you’re sorry. You shouldn’t be sorry. You should be mad, you should want to yell at me. I did lie to you. You trusted me with everything, and I didn’t reciprocate.”

  Without bothering to grab a sheet or his boxers, Blake hurried over to where I stood several feet from the bed. He
tried to wrap his arms around me, but I stepped back from his embrace and held up my hand to keep him at a distance.

  “I want you to be mad. I want you to be upset,” I said, watching the mix of confusion and uncertainty that swirled behind his gaze. “If you aren’t mad at me, if you’re not upset with me, it’s only because you’re afraid I’ll have a melt down. Because you think I’m fragile.” Blinking back tears, I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “Our relationship can’t work if we aren’t equals, Blake. And if you keep tiptoeing around every sensitive topic, then we aren’t equals. Relationships are hard work, but ours,” I gestured between the two of us, “is going to take a lot more than compromise and couples therapy. If you can’t handle that, I don’t fault you. But go now. Don’t let me cling to hope that isn’t there.”

  For what felt like an eternity, we stood there, eyes locked, jaws sets, posture defensive. He’s going to leave, a small voice in the back of my head kept whispering. I couldn’t lose him, not again. But I meant what I said. I didn’t want a partner who thought me so weak that he wouldn’t raise his voice or disagree with me because of the fallout it might cause.

  “I’m not mad at you, Lark,” he said finally. “I’m hurt—hurt that you didn’t confide in me. That once you started to remember things about Kingstown you didn’t come to me. But even that I can understand. What you’ve gone through, I can’t begin to imagine how scary and messed up it was. But you flat out lied to me. You sat at Downtown Downs, at our spot, researching the corruption in your family company and when I asked you about it pointblank you lied. Not to mention the numerous times I asked whether you were okay, and you lied.” He wasn’t shouting, but he did jab the air with his finger every time he said “lied” to emphasize his irritation. “What else have you lied about, Lark?”

  “Nothing,” I said quickly.

  Blake looked dubious as he rubbed his temples like there was a migraine developing.

  “Honestly,” I insisted.

  After a long minute, he finally nodded as though maybe he did believe me—just maybe, though. And I realized that by insisting he treat me like an equal, and not like a girl with severe mental issues, I’d just condemned myself to a very long stretch in the doghouse.

  “I don’t want to play games,” Blake continued.

  The snarky part of me, the part that was Raven, wondered if I should pop some popcorn and pull up a chair while Blake aired his list of grievances.

  You opened this can of worms, I reminded myself.

  “I don’t want to play games either,” I assured him.

  “Then why did you ask what I thought of Raven?” Blake looked genuinely perplexed. I didn’t dare laugh at him again, not with his emotions so raw and close to the surface.

  “It wasn’t a trick question. I’m not playing games or screwing with your head. Yes, I lied to you—a lot. But you know me. I haven’t changed.” Hesitating briefly, I plunged forward with the truth. “I asked because…I don’t know what’s going to happen after this is all over. I don’t know if it will ever just be…me.”

  At first, Blake still appeared confused, but then I saw the spark of understanding ignite. His shoulders slumped, and it seemed as though he wasn’t quite sure what to say.

  “I don’t know if I want it to be. I haven’t been alone since I was a child. At the very least Lila has always been there, even before I was aware of her. I don’t know who I am without them. I’m sorry, I know this weird and not what you signed up for. I mean one minute you’re dating the heir to the Kingsley Diamond fortune, and the next you’re sleeping with a girl with a disorder that many don’t believe even exists.”

  “Hey, hey, stop.” Blake pulled me into his arms. I didn’t protest. All the fight had gone out of me. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me it would be alright, even if that was a lie. As I started to cry yet again, he guided me to the bed and we sat on the edge while tears poured down my cheeks and Blake held me.

  When my throat was raw, my eyes swollen, and my head too heavy to hold, Blake pulled back the blankets and we crawled into bed together. He didn’t promise that no matter what he’d stay by my side, and I was grateful for that. There would likely always be at least four people in our relationship and he needed time to consider whether that was something he could try to live with. And until he did try, he couldn’t know how hard it would be.

  “Blake?” I mumbled as the sun started peaking over the horizon. His breathing was even and his eyes closed, but I knew he was still awake, watching over me.

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you.”

  He squeezed me tighter against his chest. “I love you, too.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  I was showered and dressed before Blake even stirred the morning after his night with Lark. She’d retreated into the shadows of our shared mind shortly after sunrise, and I couldn’t face her boyfriend alone—particularly when we were both naked. I decided to make a coffee run, and was just returning to the apartment when Blake walked down the hallway in a towel.

  So much for avoiding awkward, I thought.

  “Um, hey,” I said, holding out one of the coffees in his direction. “It’s just black. Strong, though. And I got cream and sugar, too.”

  Blake’s smile was friendly, and he made a point to keep his eyes on my face. Does he know it’s me? I wondered, trying really hard not to look at his washboard abs or extremely sculpted chest.

  “Morning, Raven.”

  Guess so.

  “Hope it’s cool, I used your shower?”

  “Of course,” I assured him quickly.

  Blake took the proffered coffee with him back to the bedroom to get dressed. I blew out a breath and collapsed onto the couch. I hadn’t been privy to Lark and Blake’s entire night together, but I hadn’t been completely oblivious either. It was sort of like falling asleep with the television on and dreaming about the late-night premium cable movie that has zero plot and even less clothing. Only, unlike a dream, even now that I was awake, many of the details were still crystal clear. My skin was on fire when I thought about everywhere Blake had touched me—Lark, touched Lark—and my heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest when I thought about the look in his eyes when he gazed up at her. But then, when reality hit, and I remembered that he wasn’t mine—that Blake would never be mine—I felt empty inside. I felt like a hollow shell, and maybe that was fitting because, as Raven, I had no real substance. I wasn’t real.

  Stop, you’re depressing all of us.

  “You okay?” Blake’s question interrupted my pity party.

  “Oh, yeah, totally. Fine. Totally fine.” Even now that he was dressed in a fresh polo and khaki shorts—did he routinely carry a change of clothes around?—I couldn’t look at him without turning red.

  Blake’s smile was understanding. He held up the to-go coffee. “Thanks again. I have a class at eleven, but I’ll swing by the catering place on my way back to campus. And I can be back here this afternoon.”

  “No rush.” I shrugged like it was no big deal, though a part of me didn’t want him to leave and a part of me wanted some space.

  He came over to where I sat on the couch, and leaned down and placed a kiss on the top of my head. I froze. He does know I’m not Lark, right? His adorably embarrassed laugh answered my question.

  “I’m so sorry. Habit, you know?”

  “It’s cool.” I stood and, for reasons I might never understand, made the situation even stranger by giving him a hug. My arms were barely around his waist when I pulled away. But Blake drew me back and squeezed me tightly.

  “I don’t know if this is ever going to feel normal for you,” he said into my ear. “I don’t know if it will ever feel normal for me. And I don’t know how much of what happened last night—”

  I stepped out of the embrace. “Can we not talk about last night?”

  “You’re the boss.” He smiled and held up his hands, palms out, as though trying to reassure me that there would
be no more touching. “See you in a little?”

  “Yeah, of course.”

  Together we walked to the door, and after another awkward moment, Blake finally left. I watched him board the elevator, feeling a mix of relief and longing as the doors closed, and he disappeared. Returning to the couch, I intended to take some time to chill, but the barrage of text messages flooding my phone’s inbox told me that wasn’t going to be possible. Five were from Gabe, three from Adam, one from Asher, and one from a Manhattan area code that wasn’t saved in my contacts. But one look at the short message, and I knew who in New York was trying to reach me: Navid. The message was only three words, all caps: WHO IS THIS?

  I started to type a response, when the cell buzzed in my hand. My breath caught before I realized it was Adam.

  “Hey,” I said by way of answer.

  “Oh, good, you’re awake. Ready for company? Gabe and I are just around the corner.”

  “Um, yeah, sure. Come on over,” I said, only a little disappointment that they were interrupting my much needed alone time.

  Ten minutes later, the duo was at the front door with more coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Gabe set up his laptop, while Adam and I put the food on plates.

  “How was last night?” Adam asked me once we were all seated around the coffee table.

  I cringed. “Weird,” I admitted.

  Despite only knowing him a short while, he was easy to talk to and while I’d been reluctant to rehash the night with Blake, I didn’t have the same reservations with Adam.

  “How so?” Adam wanted to know.

  “Lark showed up, and they had a…reunion.” I wrinkled my nose and willed myself not to blush.

  “Really?” Adam seemed intrigued, but not in a strange gawker-like way. It was more professional curiosity, which I was a fascinating experiment that he was monitoring.

  I sighed and caught Gabe smirk over the top of his computer. “Yeah, she wanted some time with him, which I get. I mean, I would too. But it’s super confusing for me.”

  “Blake is a hottie,” Gabe interjected.