I hesitated before putting the double kiss. It was an obvious escalation of emotion, but I thought Finn could handle it.
Finn: xxx
I bounced off my bed, got dressed and floated off into my day. Despite the rain clouds, there was nothing going to dampen my spirits.
That evening, after tea, my phone pinged.
Finn: Want to know who won the Science Camp trophy? X
Me: Was it you? It was you, wasn’t it? X
Finn: Well, yes, obvs ☺ x
Me: Congratulations! You totally deserve it x
Finn: I feel kinda bad. You deserve it too x
I paused. I had really, really wanted to win it, so why didn’t I feel gutted?
Me: I’m amazed they didn’t award it to me for my obvious awesomeness ☺ x
Finn: If it’s any consolation the trophy’s not that great x
Me: That makes me feel a whole heap better. Let’s see it then x
Finn sent through a picture of him kissing a massive gaudy gold cup. There was due to be a huge party as it was the last night and he looked ready to celebrate.
Me: Wow! Dodged a bullet there! What a monstrosity x
Finn: Honestly, you have to see this thing up close to comprehend the full horror of the tat. Could I come and visit later in the holidays and share the awfulness? And you know, catch up x
My heart skipped a beat. Did catch up mean catch up, or was it more? But I didn’t care.
Me: Sounds great! Xx
Finn: Cool xxx
So that was decided then.
‘Who you texting?’ asked Dad.
‘Just a friend from camp,’ I said. I didn’t need questions, especially when I didn’t know the answers. I wasn’t used to that. But as I sat there, listening to Mum, Dad and Nani, I decided it was OK. It was OK not to know the answer to everything all the time. I’d find out sooner or later.
Chapter 26
Cam
I sat beside Jackie as she rang social services. We’d left it a few days. Jackie said it was always best to have some thinking time before making any big decisions and, despite my impatience to get on with it, in the end I had to admit she was right. With a few nights’ sleep, and a few days’ thinking, I wasn’t feeling so panicky.
‘Hi, it’s Jackie,’ she said, when someone answered the phone. ‘I’ve rung about Cam. No, there’s nothing wrong. She’s doing great. Couldn’t be more proud of her.’
I rolled my eyes. Jackie could be a bit over the top in her pride. Jackie grinned at me.
‘It’s about her birth father.’
Jackie stopped and listened, umming and ahhing every few seconds. ‘Oh, that’s interesting.’
‘What?’ I whispered.
Jackie waved me away with her hand. ‘Oh really? Yes, I see. Well, I’ll talk to Cam. See what she thinks. I’ll let you know. Great. Yes. Thanks. Bye.’ She finally put the phone down.
‘What did they say? You didn’t tell them anything about my father.’
‘I didn’t need to,’ she said. ‘He’s already been in contact with them. Seems he feels he was a bit hasty in his reaction to you last week. He sends his apologies. He is very keen to meet with you, if you feel able to give him a second chance.’
I had no words. He was sorry?
‘And he has asked if you would like to go round to his house – with me, of course – to meet him properly.’
I opened my mouth. Then shut it again.
‘And his wife. And their two children.’ Jackie was watching me closely.
He was married. I don’t know why that surprised me, but it did. And kids? That totally blew my mind. My father had other kids. Why had that never occurred to me before? There was no reason he wouldn’t have other kids. He must have been super-young when he met my mum.
‘So?’ asked Jackie. ‘What do you think?’
‘Well,’ I started, ‘that’s great. Isn’t it?’ I was worried now. It all seemed a bit too good to be true.
‘It is very hopeful.’ Jackie smiled. ‘But, remember, we mustn’t try to run before we can walk. It can take a long time to build up a relationship.’
Especially when you have luck like mine. Though, since moving in with Jackie and John, my luck had definitely improved.
‘OK, let’s do this. Let’s go and meet them.’ I felt a pang of panic. What if he repeated what he said the other day? ‘You will come too, though?’
Jackie squeezed my hand. ‘I’ll be with you every moment.’ I think she understood.
Jackie rang social services back and a meeting was arranged for the following day. Jackie seemed surprised it was so soon but wrote down the address while chatting to the social worker. I chewed on my fingernail. Surely the meeting being sorted so quickly could only mean good things. I wondered what it would be like. Would it be awkward? Probably. How could it not be? But would I regret going? I couldn’t imagine it. This was what was going to happen, and I was happy with it. Didn’t mean I wasn’t nervous as hell, though.
I was pacing up and down the hall fifteen minutes before we had to leave the next morning. Papa John was going to work late so he could see us off.
‘You alright, kid?’ he said from his chair in the lounge as I passed the door for about the hundredth time.
‘Yep. Just want to get on with it now. I can’t stand all this waiting about.’
Papa John came into the hall. ‘Patience,’ he said. ‘There’s no point in turning up early.’
‘Argh!’ I cried. ‘Why does time go so slowly when you don’t want it to?’
‘Cam,’ he said. His face was twitching, as if he was trying to say something but finding the right words was causing him physical pain. ‘Would you stop pacing like a wildcat? You’re making me jumpy.’
I stopped. I was very nearly as tall as him. I could remember when I first arrived he’d seemed so much taller.
‘That’s better,’ he said, and gave me a massive bear hug. ‘I may not be your birth father, but I’ll always be your papa, OK? Always.’
Surprised, I hugged him back, squeezing him tight.
When he finally let me go, he cleared his throat, as if his words had been as much of a surprise to him as to me. ‘Where’s Jackie got to? She should be ready by now.’
‘Here she is,’ I said as she came down the stairs. She had her best dress on. I looked down at my scruffy jeans. Was I too underdressed? What if they didn’t like me?
Jackie must have had her mind-reading skills turned up to max. ‘You look great,’ she said. ‘Exactly how any sixteen-year-old should look in the holidays.’
I let my breath out with a whoosh.
‘All set?’ asked John.
‘Yes.’ Jackie nodded. ‘Got the address, sat nav, emergency snacks.’
I don’t think I could have eaten even if you’d paid me.
‘Hope you get on OK.’ John looked at me. I nodded. ‘Just be yourself.’
Within half an hour we were standing on Phil Mirren’s doorstep. In the estate of identical houses, it stood out with its sea-blue front door. Jackie rang the bell. I twisted my fingers together, waiting.
The door opened, and there he was. My father. Only instead of frowning this time, he had a nervous smile. The glimmer of hope burned a bit brighter inside me.
‘Camille, Jackie, lovely to see you. Do come in.’
I stepped inside. It was a modern house with clean lines and lots of white paint. I took my shoes off. I felt like I was already making the place untidy.
‘Come on through. Sue and the girls are dying to meet you.’ He was looking at me properly this time. I tried to smile but it felt wobbly.
I followed him, Jackie behind me, into a big, sunny kitchen. The back door was open and I could hear kids playing outside. A woman came over and hugged me. Which should have felt weird.
‘Camille, I’m so pleased to meet you. I’m Sue, Phil’s wife. Can I get you a drink of something?’
‘A cup of tea would be great, thanks. And call me Ca
m. Everyone does.’
Sue smiled at me. ‘Cam it is.’
I perched on a small sofa while Jackie and Phil exchanged pleasantries about the traffic on the way here. The voices outside suddenly got louder and a small girl burst in from the garden.
‘Mummy, Mummy, she’s taken it again. And she won’t give it back. Go and tell her off, Mum…’
She caught sight of me and stopped mid-sentence. The funny thing with kids is that they don’t care about staring. And she stared right at me, her eyes like saucers.
‘Hi, I’m Cam,’ I said. I didn’t know how much they’d been told about me.
‘Oh yes, I know. You’re our new big sister. And you have pink hair. I love pink. It used to be my favourite colour but now it’s green. What’s yours?’
She spoke quite clearly and without any worry or complication. It was so simple to her. I was her new big sister.
‘Um, I think it’s yellow,’ I said.
‘You only think? Don’t you know?’
‘Well, I haven’t thought about it recently.’
The girl shook her head, obviously disappointed in my failure to colour-rank.
‘Well, my favourite is green, then pink, then orange, then lilac. Not purple, lilac.’
‘Sounds like you’ve got it all sorted,’ I said.
‘I have,’ she said, nodding seriously.
Later, after I’d been shown Maisy and Erin’s toys, their bedrooms and their garden, I sat down again with Jackie on the little sofa.
‘You doing OK?’ she said softly.
I smiled. I was. Maybe even more then OK. There were the odd moments of awkward but nothing overwhelmingly cringe. Maisy and Erin didn’t let anything stand still long enough for there to be quietness.
‘Cam,’ said Phil, ‘I’d like to make sure I say this. I know this is just an initial meeting, and you’ll have to go away and think about how it’s gone. But I want to apologise for what I said to you last time. You caught me off guard. I had no idea I had a daughter. I didn’t know that your mum was pregnant. But that is no excuse. I was rude and abrupt and I am truly sorry for that.’
I nodded. ‘That’s OK. I guess it must have been quite a shock.’
Phil grinned. ‘The best kind of shock. It’s not every day you gain a daughter.’ His enthusiasm was infectious, making me smile.
‘You’re kidding, right? I’ve gained a whole family. I’m totally mind-blown.’
He laughed.
‘So, what happens now?’ I said. It was the question I was most nervous about asking.
‘Well, I guess we take it one step at a time.’
Sue was listening. I wondered how she felt about all this. She must have caught me looking. ‘You are welcome any time,’ she said, smiling. And, somehow, I knew she meant it.
At the end of the morning, Jackie and I left. As we walked away from their front door, I waved to Maisy and Erin through the window. I was carrying the drawing Erin had done of me. Massive body, with loads of pink hair. They were cool kids. I felt I’d entered the lottery and won a bonus family.
Chapter 27
Sasha
Devon was cooler, rainier and way more laid back than Switzerland had been and I was loving it. I’d thrown myself into seeing my friends, spending time with my mum and checking if the local talent had improved while I was away. (It hadn’t.)
Dad kept texting me, but other than a text telling him not to worry about it, I hadn’t really replied. What was the point? I wasn’t going to be seeing him again for ages, so it hardly seemed worth the bother of patching up the relationship. Let time do it. Why did I have to?
I poured Mum a cuppa as she walked in from work. ‘Tea’s made,’ I called when I heard the door close behind her.
She came into the kitchen and put her bags down. ‘Thanks, love. Just what I needed.’ She sat down and took a sip. ‘Ah, that’s good.’
I sat opposite her with my glass of orange juice.
‘I’ve heard from your dad that you’re not replying to his messages.’
‘No, I haven’t.’
‘Can I ask why not?’
‘I don’t see the point. I’m not going to be seeing him for ages anyway.’
Mum put her mug down.
‘This is your dad we’re talking about. One of your two parents. Fathers don’t grow on trees.’
Mum was never rude about Dad but it wasn’t like her to stick up for him either. What had got into her?
‘He was worried sick after he found you’d gone.’
‘So?’ I said. He’d deserved it. Hadn’t he?
Mum reached out her hand and took mine.
‘As you grow up, sometimes relationships need working at. A bit of effort, even when you think it isn’t your turn or your place to put in the effort. That’s what it’s about. A bit of give and take.’
‘What are you saying? That I shouldn’t have left, that I should have stayed and put up with it?’
‘No,’ said Mum, ‘that’s not what I’m saying. Of course you could have come home, anytime you liked. But you should have let your dad know. He wouldn’t have stopped you, but it would have prevented a huge amount of worry. For everyone.’
Huh.
‘I think, perhaps,’ said Mum, and I could sense where she was going as clearly as if she’d already said it, ‘you should apologise and try to make it up with your dad.’
I rolled my eyes.
‘You don’t want to leave it so long that it becomes a Thing, and then it’s been three years since you’ve seen him and you have no relationship left at all.’
I picked at my nail.
‘Your dad’s sorry, and perhaps he’s suffered enough.’
After tea I went upstairs to my room. Mum’s words were bouncing around my head like balls in a pinball machine. I didn’t want to say sorry. But I didn’t want to never see Dad again over it. I sat on my bed, holding my phone. I could call. Just to say hi.
It only rang twice.
‘Hello? Natasha?’ came Dad’s voice.
‘Hi Dad,’ I said.
‘Ah, it is so good to hear you. I have been so worried.’ He sounded properly pleased. ‘I thought we were having such a good time and then, poof, you were gone and it felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest.’
He’d felt like that?
‘Sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to worry you. I just thought you and Clarisse would have a better time without me.’
‘Never!’ he said. ‘And I am sorry if I made you think that.’
‘And I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you I was leaving.’
‘Thank you, ma petite, I understand,’ said Dad. ‘And Clarisse? She maybe was a bit of a surprise too, n’est-ce pas?’
‘You can say that again.’
‘I am sorry, Sasha, you must believe me.’ His voice was serious. ‘I shouldn’t have expected you to spend all that time with her. I assumed that because I love you both, that you would get along. It was insensitive of me.’
‘I’m sorry too. I guess I could have been nicer to her. I was quite rude.’ I paused, summoning the courage to say what I knew needed saying. ‘Can you tell her I’m sorry?’
‘Of course.’ I could hear him smiling. ‘How about we start again? A clean slate, no?’
‘Sounds great, Dad.’
‘Listen, I’m in the UK this week. How about I pop down to Devon to see you?’
I thought about it and what Mum had said.
‘That would be nice.’
He turned up two days later, in an impossibly chic, cream linen suit. Mum was at work and I wasn’t entirely sure what to do with him. But I needn’t have worried.
‘Natasha, seeing as I’m in town just for the day, would you do me the honour of being my tour guide?’
‘Don’t be daft, you lived here for years, you know it.’
‘I might know the town, but I don’t know your town. I want to see the bits that are important to you.’
His eyes had a twinkle of hope hidin
g behind a nervous smile.
‘OK, you’re on. But you better keep up. There’s loads to see.’
I walked down the road beside him. He didn’t try and link arms, but he kept asking me questions. Where do you catch the school bus from? (Three roads from our house.) What time do you go out in the mornings? (Bus comes at 7.50 so about ten minutes before that.) Were the neighbours still the same? (No, and the new ones are much nicer.)
I took him into town. Showed him the Harbour Bookshop where they knew what I liked to read and always kept books aside if they thought I might be interested in them. We walked up the hill and popped into Papa John’s hardware shop, where I introduced him to Cam. All credit to Dad, he didn’t flinch at the pink, he just shook her hand and murmured, ‘Enchanté.’
We stopped for a milkshake in Alley Cats, then looped back down, through the town and along the quayside to the second-to-last bench.
‘This is where I meet up with my friends,’ I said, sitting down. Dad sat beside me.
‘It is a lovely spot.’ He gazed out across the boats bobbing along the quay.
‘It really is,’ I said, breathing in deeply. I loved it here.
‘What else is there to see?’
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