“Before I forget,” Natalie said, and took money out of her suit trousers. Three hundred and twenty dollars, all still folded together. “Here,” Natalie said, and held the money out towards Evie.
Evie took it. Six fifties and a twenty, the same as last time. Perhaps the exact same banknotes as last time, Evie thought, and wasn’t sure why she cared. She sat there, looking down at the money in her hand, wondering if she was having second thoughts. She’d shouldn’t be, she told herself, especially not now. Not when she’d already been through all this, last time, and had thought about then so carefully. She shouldn’t, but she almost was. It almost worried her how little she still cared. Selling herself ought be a bigger deal than it actually was, and wanting to do this, not caring what it meant, that didn’t quite make sense to her. She wanted to do this, she decided. Even though it seemed like she ought to care more.
She unfolded the money, and tried to give the twenty dollar note back to Natalie. “Three hundred’s fine,” she said.
“I assumed… That was the amount we’d talked about.”
“It’s fine,” Evie said, and kept holding out the twenty. “It’ll be kind of nuisance for you to keep finding twenties, if we do this again.”
“You want to again?” Natalie said.
“I don’t know,” Evie said, realizing she’d been assuming they would, and this was an ongoing arrangement. “I suppose I do.”
“Good,” Natalie said, and smiled.
“Please,” Evie said, and moved her hand. “Just take it.”
Natalie took the twenty.
Evie felt fidgety. She felt like she ought to be doing something to get ready, not just be talking. She needed a shower, before they had sex, but she still had half a glass of wine in her hand. She wanted to do something, so put down the wine, and got a hair-tie out her pocket, and put her hair up into a ponytail. She left the money on her lap while she did.
She looked down at the money, and fiddled with her hair, and for some reason started to think. About money, and oddly, about being fair.
“Hey,” she said. “Um. Silly question. Can you afford this?”
Natalie seemed surprised. “It’s fine.”
“I don’t want you to give me more than you can afford.”
Natalie stood there, startled. She didn’t seem to know what to say.
“So can you?” Evie said. “Afford it?”
“Why?” Natalie said. “Would you for free if I couldn’t?”
Evie didn’t answer. She sat there, thinking. She almost might, if Natalie actually asked her to. She might if Natalie asked, but she wasn’t going to just offer until Natalie did.
“Would you?” Natalie said.
“That’s not the point.”
“But would you?”
“Try me,” Evie said. “Ask me to and see.”
Natalie looked at her for a moment, and then shook her head. “No,” she said. “Never mind. The money’s fine.”
“You can afford that much?”
“I can afford it.”
“You’re sure?”
“You do law. You should have some idea of my hourly rate.”
“Yeah,” Evie said. “Except I do law, so I know that isn’t what you get paid.”
“I’m a partner, so it actually is.”
Because she shared the firm’s profits, Evie assumed. “Minus rent and phones and everyone else’s salaries,” Evie said, feeling clever.
“Yes,” Natalie said. “But still. I have enough. It’s fine.”
Evie thought for a while about Natalie’s salary. She guessed a number for the hourly rate, and then multiplied it by forty hours a week. Then she decided that was silly, that it wasn’t nearly enough hours, and multiplied by sixty instead. It was quite a lot.
“You’re thinking about money, aren’t you?” Natalie said.
Evie shrugged. She was, and it made her feel mercenary, the same way as bargaining over a price had. She wasn’t sure she liked that feeling.
“Can we not talk about this,” Natalie said. “Please?”
“If you’d rather not.”
“I’d rather not,” Natalie said. “Because it doesn’t matter. I have enough for this, and I don’t have very much else to spend money on, and I’m happy to pay you, if that’s what you’d like me to do.”
Evie nodded.
“So can we stop talking about it now, please?” Natalie said.
Evie nodded again, and didn’t point out Natalie was the one still talking.
*
Evie had intended to stop talking about money and leave Natalie alone, but their conversation had started her thinking. She began considering money, too, the money Natalie was giving her. Suddenly she was thinking about how much she was being paid. About how much money she’d asked Natalie for, and what she was worth, and whether it ought to be more.
Suddenly she was thinking about the price she’d put on herself, and wondering if it was enough.
The amount they’d decided on, and the way they’d decided, had really been quite arbitrary. A little part of Evie wanted to know exactly how much she was worth, and she couldn’t see the harm in asking. Knowing was part of this for her. Knowing meant she could feel as much of this experience as possible. She wanted to know if Natalie would have paid more, if Evie had happened to ask. She needed to know, just so she did, just to feel smug.
“So,” Evie said. “Does all that mean you’d actually pay more, if I wanted you to?”
She thought she’d said it very clearly. She thought it obvious she was curious, nothing more, and wasn’t actually asking for more money. She thought that was plain, but Natalie didn’t seem to take it that way.
Natalie didn’t take it well at all.
She looked at Evie, her face suddenly cold, as though Evie had done something wrong.
“What does that mean?” Natalie said sharply.
Evie looked back, surprised. She didn’t know why Natalie suddenly sounded so angry. It wasn’t talking about Natalie’s salary, which was what Natalie had asked her to stop discussing.
“It means nothing,” Evie said, after a moment. “Nothing much. I just wondered if you’d have paid more if I’d asked you to?”
“I don’t know,” Natalie said. “Would you have taken less?”
“I don’t understand.”
“You’re asking for more. I’m asking if you’d take less.”
“I’m not asking for more. I asking if you would have paid more, if I had asked you to. Which I didn’t.”
“And that distinction is terribly important.”
“Yeah,” Evie said, surprised. “It is. Are you upset?”
Natalie shrugged.
“Why?” Evie said, and Natalie didn’t answer.
Natalie was annoyed, Evie slowly realized. Natalie actually thought Evie was bargaining. She thought Evie was demanding more money, and Evie didn’t quite know what to say.
Evie began to get annoyed too.
If Natalie was going to be angry, then Evie was as well. At Natalie, for making the assumption she just had. For thinking the worst of Evie, for assuming Evie was trying to renegotiate, instead of simply asking why Evie cared. They’d been talking as friends, Evie had thought, talking about something they were sharing. Both had been talking to the only other person they could about what they were doing, but now, suddenly, they weren’t. Suddenly Natalie was upset, and this was about money, because suddenly Natalie was assuming. Suddenly Natalie was thinking something quite bad about Evie, that Evie would change her mind halfway through their deal.
It shouldn’t be Natalie who was upset, Evie decided, it should be Evie. Evie was the one being suspected of being so cold-hearted as to change their agreement after it was made.
Natalie had nothing to be upset about, but Evie did, and suddenly Evie was angry.
She put down her glass. She looked at Natalie, and suddenly this mattered. Suddenly, Evie felt stubborn. She didn’t want to explain why she’d asked, not until she kn
ew what Natalie was thinking, and she didn’t want to back down either, because if she backed down once, to someone like Natalie, she’d probably never stop.
“I asked first,” Evie said.
“Seriously?” Natalie said. “We’re doing that?”
“Yep,” Evie said. “We completely are. I asked first. So answer me and then I’ll answer you.”
Natalie looked at her for a moment. “For fuck’s sake,” she said.
“I mean it,” Evie said. “Tell me or I’ll leave.”
Evie was furious. She felt a hot, righteous anger. She wasn’t going to let this go. She didn’t want, not at all, but more than that, a little calm, clever part of herself thought she needed to win this now. She had to win at all costs because Natalie was older and smarter and richer and buying Evie to fuck, and making Natalie tell her the truth was the only power Evie had. It didn’t quite make sense, except that suddenly it did. Suddenly it desperately mattered that Evie didn’t back down.
Natalie might have understood. Evie thought she might have guessed. Natalie looked at Evie for a moment, thinking, and then took a slow, deep breath.
“Please don’t do that,” Natalie said.
“Do what?”
“I’d really be grateful if you could stop using that against me.”
“Using what?”
“Threatening to leave over little things.”
“Its not a little thing. Not to me.”
Natalie thought. “You’re right,” she said. “And I shouldn’t have said it like that. I’m sorry.”
Evie glared, but Natalie seemed sincere. It didn’t seem like a trick.
Evie began to feel a little better.
“It’s just there’s no point me staying,” Evie said. “If we’re only going to fight.”
“No, I suppose not.”
“Are we going to fight?”
“I hope not,” Natalie said.
“So are you going to answer?”
“Of course,” Natalie said, but then just stood there for a moment more.
“Well?” Evie said.
Natalie sighed. “I’ll pay you whatever you like,” she said. “As much as you like. Of course.”
“Oh,” Evie said, her anger suddenly gone. She was surprised, more than anything else, by how easily Natalie had given up. “What?”
“As much you like,” Natalie said, sounding resigned. “Anything.”
“You don’t mean…”
“Anything.”
Evie thought about that.
“I’m being honest,” Natalie said. “Which I probably shouldn’t be.”
“You mean, anything within reason, right?”
“Not within reason. Anything.”
“Not really.”
Natalie shrugged. “Really.”
Evie sat there, thinking.
“So there you are,” Natalie said. “Now you know. I suppose it’s up to you whether you want to take advantage of that.”
Evie didn’t want to take advantage, but she was still a little angry, and she still wanted to know how much she was actually worth to Natalie. She wanted to know, and know whether Natalie really meant what she’d just said, and she wanted to punish Natalie too, for assuming Evie was bargaining.
Evie sat there, and thought, and it felt like something still wasn’t right between them. This had almost been a fight, and the way it had happened bothered Evie. Natalie’s strength and age and assertiveness scared Evie a little. It made her want to fight harder. It felt like she had to try harder to get her way, because if she didn’t always push back, then somehow, she’d always end up losing. Because Natalie was better at this than her.
She decided she had to push. She decided her original question was still there. She wanted to know how much she was worth, and there was no reason Natalie couldn’t tell her. Not when Evie had only ever been talking in hypotheticals. It wasn’t Evie’s fault that Natalie didn’t understand.
Evie decided she wanted to know, even if she had to push a little harder.
“A thousand dollars,” Evie said. “I want a thousand dollars to sleep with you.”
Natalie looked a little sad. “All right,” she said. “Yes.”
“Two thousand,” Evie said.
“That’s fine.”
“Five.”
“You’re just picking numbers out the air now.”
“Ten,” Evie said. “I want ten thousand dollars to fuck you.”
“Yes,” Natalie said, “All right. That’s fine too. Can I give you a cheque?”
Evie didn’t know what to say. Natalie had surprised her before, by giving up so easily, and now she was surprising Evie again.
“I don’t have that much cash on me,” Natalie said. “So can I give you a cheque? Or otherwise, I could drop you home, and we’ll do this tomorrow.”
Evie kept looking at her, waiting for it to be a joke. It had to be, when they were talking about ten thousand dollars.
“Either’s fine with me,” Natalie said. “It’s up to you.”
“You’re serious?”
“Completely.” Natalie went over to the door, and got her briefcase. She opened it, and took out her chequebook. The same chequebook, the one she’d waved around last time. Evie watched, and decided Natalie wasn’t joking.
In fact, Natalie was writing. “What’s your last name?” Natalie said.
“What?”
“I don’t know your last name. You’ve never told me.”
“No,” Evie said.
“So what is it, so I can make out the cheque?”
Evie shook her head.
Natalie looked up.
“I’m not saying,” Evie said.
Natalie shrugged, and wrote some more, and then ripped the cheque from the chequebook. She handed it to Evie, without a word, and despite herself, Evie looked.
A cheque for ten thousand dollars, made out to cash.
Natalie had signed it, and the date was today’s.
It was a real cheque, Evie thought, a little a stunned. A proper cheque, all filled out, which Evie could take to a bank and cash. Evie looked at it, and suddenly didn’t know what to do. She’d meant this as a half-hearted question, and then meant it to win a fight, but now, suddenly, this was happening. Suddenly she was being offered all this money, and a part of her was tempted.
It was far more money than she’d ever imagined was possible, and all she had to do to keep it was to lose Natalie’s respect. For some reason she didn’t want to do that.
*
Evie looked at the cheque for a moment, and then tore it in half. “You shouldn’t keep wasting these,” she said. “Writing them out like that.”
Natalie just looked at her.
“I mean it,” Evie said. “I’m not taking that it, so you’re just making a pointless gesture.”
“I’ll write you another.”
“Don’t,” Evie said.
“You said you wanted that much.”
“I don’t,” Evie said. “And don’t be an asshole. I asked if you’d pay that. I didn’t say I actually wanted you to.”
Natalie shrugged slightly.
“There’s a difference.”
“I know. You said.”
Evie thought. “Well, don’t the chequebooks cost money?” she said. “Bank fees or something?”
“I don’t think so. I’d have to check.”
“Oh. I’d just assumed...” Evie stopped. She didn’t really care. “Why are we talking about this?”
“About chequebooks? I have no idea.”
“Okay, so then why are you upset?”
Natalie didn’t answer.
“I should be upset,” Evie said. “Not you.”
“And are you?”
“A little.”
Natalie looked at her for a moment, and seemed to be deciding something. Eventually she said, “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know,” Evie said.
Evie felt guilty, and she also felt used. Suddenly
she actually felt like a whore. She had started thinking again, but differently now. Suddenly she wasn’t so sure she wanted to do this. Not the way they’d been talking about, not for money. Suddenly she couldn’t decide whether she wanted the money, or actually just wanted it never to have discussed it at all.
“I’m changing my mind,” Evie said. “I think.”
Natalie nodded. “That’s all right.”
“It is?”
“If course it is. If you are, then you are.”
Evie thought. “I don’t know whether I do want you to pay me,” she said. “Is that really awful.”
“No,” Natalie said.
“Maybe you should just try talking to me for a bit,” Evie said. “Maybe we should try that instead.”
“Of course. If you like.”
Evie on the counter and tried to work out what she was feeling. She mostly just felt confused.
“Evie,” Natalie said. “You’re worth it, whatever you want. Whichever you want me to do. To be talked to, or given money, and for however much money you want, you’re worth it, whatever it is, all right?”
Evie nodded slowly.
“I promise you are,” Natalie said.
“Yeah,” Evie said. “I’m kind of starting to get that. That you feel like that, I mean.”
“I do,” Natalie said.
Evie sat for a moment, thinking. About Natalie, and how Natalie was reacting, and what was in this for her.
“The first afternoon,” Evie said. “The day I first met you. I thought you seemed a little sad.”
“Probably,” Natalie said. “A little.”
“Because of something?”
“Nothing particular.”
“Just life?” Evie said.
Natalie nodded. “How it works out, I suppose.”
“Are you still? Sad?”
Natalie thought. “Not as much.”
“Because of me?”
Natalie shrugged. After a moment she said, “You help.”
Evie bit her lip and thought. She felt like she needed to decide, right now. She’d thought so much about this, over the past few days, that she was just getting herself more confused. She’d thought she was into this, into being paid, and had told herself that so often, it felt a little disappointing to realize she wasn’t. She felt like she was letting herself down, by changing her mind. She felt like she was letting Natalie down too, and wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Part of her still wanted to have sex for money, just to try it and know that she had. Part of her still wanted to, in her head, intellectually, and part of her knew she didn’t want to any more, and so going ahead would be a mistake.
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