Natalie stood there, unmoving, so Evie grabbed her hand and pulled. “Come on,” she said. “Get in.”
Natalie wasn’t sure. She hesitated, pulling back against Evie’s tugging. The street was quiet, but not completely quiet. There were houses opposite them, and other cars in the carpark. There might still be people around, and she was fairly sure she knew what Evie had in mind.
“Evie, we can’t,” Natalie said. “Not here.”
“Not for that,” Evie said. “Asshole. Just for kissing.”
Natalie didn’t quite believe her. “Perhaps we should go home?” Natalie said.
“Perhaps we should. Or you could get in the car.”
“I really don’t think I should right now. Not in the back.”
Evie pulled hard on Natalie’s arm again. “Come on, serious person, get in.”
Natalie gave up, and let Evie pull her inside. She sat, as Evie seemed to want her to, and Evie climbed onto her lap. Evie reached over, and pulled the door closed, then started kissing Natalie again, quite intensely. Kissing, pressing herself against Natalie, her mouth tasting of wine. Even drunk, Evie kissed well. She kissed like she was running out of air, and was breathing Natalie in as if her life depended on it.
They kissed. Then Evie reached down quite suddenly, and began fumbling at Natalie’s trousers, trying to slide her hand inside. In a parked car, in the street, outside a restaurant. They shouldn’t be doing this, Natalie thought, not there.
“Evie,” Natalie said. “We can’t...”
“Just let me. Please. No-one will know.”
“Evie, you’re drunk.”
“Not that drunk,” Evie whispered. “Or I couldn’t do this.” She undid the front of Natalie’s trousers, and slid her hand inside. She slid her fingers downwards, pressing as she went. She slipped her fingertips inside Natalie, and Natalie went still, forgetting even to kiss. Evie felt unbearably good. Her hand was warm and slippery and deft.
“God, Evie…” Natalie said, thinking she ought to try to stop this once more.
“Shut up,” Evie whispered. “Just let me.” She kept stroking and rubbing, kept kissing, even though Natalie wasn’t kissing back. “Did I say I really fucking like you?” she whispered.
Natalie sighed, “Yes.”
“And that I think you get me. You understand me. Did I say that?”
Another sigh. “Not yet.”
“Well I do. I like you and you understand me, and I really, really want to touch you. And I can’t wait. So just shut up and let me do this.”
Natalie sighed a third time, wordlessly, and did. She shifted her knee, and unzipped her trousers a little more, and lifted her hips to tug them down. Evie grinned, and twisted her hand further inside Natalie’s underwear. She rubbed, and kissed, and Natalie closed her eyes.
Natalie closed her eyes, then suddenly realized that she had. “Hey,” she whispered. “Look out for people.”
“Yep,” Evie said.
“Do.”
“I will.”
“You will?” Natalie said. “Are you?”
“Mostly.”
“Are you really?”
Evie stopped kissing. “I am now,” she said, and sounded like she was smiling.
“Oh god,” Natalie said, but couldn’t bring herself to make Evie stop.
Evie slipped her fingers further, sliding along Natalie’s lips, tracing the outsides of her, and slipping her way back inside. Evie stroked, and Natalie felt her hand, all warm and slippery and good. Natalie felt good, and little else. She couldn’t think past the steady teasing rubbing of Evie’s touch, becoming quicker at the same time as Natalie’s breathing did.
Natalie was close. She shouldn’t be, not here, in a parked car, but she was.
“I’m going to,” Natalie whispered, “I’m close.”
“So do,” Evie said, still sounding amused. “And hurry, before someone sees us.”
“Fuck, I am. I will.”
“Hurry,” Evie said, then suddenly, almost laughing, “Oh, um, but no pressure. Take as long as you need.”
“Shut up,” Natalie said, and kissed her again.
“Okay.”
“Fuck,” Natalie said. “Be quiet.”
Natalie took a slow, ragged breath, and pressed herself onto Evie’s hand. She took another breath, squeezing herself tight all over, and slowly, suddenly, she felt herself start. She felt a terrible breathless pleasure, felt Evie’s fingers inside her, against her, seeming oddly wetter the more that Natalie squeezed. Natalie came, and couldn’t think, and just held onto Evie, gasping as she did, until it was done.
Then it ended, and Natalie came back to herself, and quickly glanced around. She glanced around even before she finished, making sure no-one was watching. She had a suspicion Evie hadn’t been as careful as she could have.
Then she looked at Evie, and saw her smug little smile, and kissed her again, tenderly. She sat there and looked at Evie, and Evie looked back at her. They were lit by orange streetlights, in the back of a dark car that smelled of sex, and Natalie realized she’d fallen for Evie completely.
“Oh Evie,” Natalie said. “Oh fuck I…”
Evie put her hand over Natalie’s mouth, the way she had the night before. A hand that smelled of Natalie, slightly, but Natalie didn’t care.
“Don’t,” Evie said.
Natalie looked at her.
“Is this like last night?” Evie said.
Natalie shrugged
“So still not yet,” Evie said. “Okay?”
Natalie nodded, and Evie took her hand away. Then Evie looked down. She tugged at her dress.
“Where’s my dress,” Evie said. “I’m not getting you on me, am I?”
Natalie didn’t know, but her trousers were still undone. “I’m not sure. Should I move?”
Evie shook her head. “Hug me. It’s nice.”
Natalie did. “What about you?” she said after a while.
“Want to take me home?”
“Not here?”
Evie shook her head. “Your place is good. We should go.” She got out the car quite suddenly, apparently content now that Natalie had finished. She stumbled a little, and left the car door open, then stopped and lit a cigarette.
Her first since they left the restaurant, Natalie realized. Evie had waited. She hadn’t just lit one as soon as they were outside. Natalie decided that was actually quite sweet.
Natalie got out too, and closed the door behind her, then opened the front passenger door, and said to Evie, “Get in.”
“Are you okay to drive?” Evie said, quite gravely. “Because I don’t think I am.”
Natalie smiled. “I’m fine,” she said, and gently pushed Evie into the car. It took a moment, because Evie was trying to open the window, to hold the cigarette outside it, so she could smoke as they drove. Natalie had to go around and put the keys in the ignition before Evie’s window would open, although Evie didn’t seem to realize and kept clicking at the switch. In the end, Evie got it open, then pulled the door closed, although to hold the cigarette, she ended up leaning sideways in a way that seemed quite uncomfortable.
Natalie waited until Evie seemed organized, and then got in the driver’s side. “Home?” she said. “To my place?”
“Yep,” Evie said, and smiled.
Natalie leaned over and kissed her, and then started the car.
*
Evie had taken off her shoes off in the car, which seemed to make it easier for her to walk. She’d stopped stumbling as she followed Natalie upstairs. She was carrying her shoes, and walking slowly, but she caught up to Natalie and hugged her from behind each time Natalie stopped to unlock doors.
Evie started kissing Natalie as soon as they were inside the apartment. She dropped her shoes, and pushed the front door closed, and started to kiss, and Natalie kissed her back. Natalie kissed, and pressed herself against Evie, and slid her hand up Evie’s leg, under her dress. She felt like she owed Evie something.
&
nbsp; “I want you,” Natalie whispered, her mouth against Evie’s neck.
Evie laughed. “I know. I can tell.”
“I want to do you,” Natalie said, and slid her hand higher, stroking warm smooth skin. “Like you did me.”
“In a car?” Evie said, and laughed again.
“No,” Natalie said. “Don’t be difficult.”
“I’m not,” Evie said. “And you can in a bit.”
“Or now.”
“Or in a bit. I want a drink.”
They kissed a little more, and then Evie said, “Can I have another drink?” She looked at Natalie almost as if it was some kind of test.
“Of course,” Natalie said, unsure what the look meant. “What would you like?”
Evie shrugged. “I don’t care, just a drink.”
Natalie waited a moment longer, but Evie still didn’t say, so Natalie went and opened a bottle of wine, and got a single glass.
“You’re not having any?” Evie said, looking at the glass.
Natalie shook her head. She poured, and handed the glass to Evie. Evie sipped, and seemed to be thinking.
“So, what?” Evie said suddenly. “I’ve had enough already? I should slow down?”
Natalie was surprised. Evie seemed almost upset.
“Of course not,” Natalie said.
“You’re sure? You’re not standing there being disapproving?”
“Not at all.”
“You think I’ve had enough, though, don’t you?”
Natalie reached over, and refilled Evie’s glass, topping it up almost to brim, far higher than it had been the first time she poured. “No,” she said.
Evie looked at her for a moment, and then seemed to relax. “No?” she said.
“Of course not.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Um, sorry?”
“It’s fine. But what’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. I think I’m terrified you’ll start wanting to tell me what to do.”
“God,” Natalie said. “Why?”
Evie shrugged. “Don’t know. Because people do that. Get bossy.”
“Not me.”
“So you say now.”
“So I say forever.” Natalie got a tumbler and filled it with water. She had a dry mouth, after kissing. She sipped, and thought for a moment. “I don’t think I could,” she said. “Tell you what to do. Being completely honest. I’d feel too much like your mum.”
Evie looked surprised. “How?”
“Me my age? And telling you what to do? It would get a little…”
“Creepy?”
“Exactly.”
“Don’t be my mum,” Evie said. “Ever. Please.”
Natalie smiled. “I won’t.”
“Just don’t, okay?” Evie seemed quite horrified. “That’s awful, now you say it.”
“I know.”
Evie sipped, and leaned backwards against the bench. Natalie wasn’t sure why they were still in the kitchen, but they were. Perhaps so Evie could smoke under the extractor fan, if she wanted to.
Natalie stood there and thought. “I want you,” she said, after a while. “I want you how you are now. Not to make you into something else, something I might only think I want you to be.”
“Yeah,” Evie said “Same, actually.”
“Good,” Natalie said. “I’m glad.”
Evie smiled.
“So all of that,” Natalie said. “I want you. Some wonderful thing about you. And at the same time, I don’t know exactly what makes you who you are. I mean, the actual, particular things I’m attracted to, I don’t know where those come from.”
“Well no, I suppose not.”
“So it would be kind of silly to go tampering with it, wouldn’t it? When I might end up changing the person I like into someone I don’t.”
Evie sipped her wine, and looked at Natalie, and then said, “Fuck.”
Natalie suddenly thought she’d said too much. “What’s wrong?” she said, nervously.
“Oh nothing, just… That makes sense. It makes a terrible lot of sense. Do you really mean it?”
“Of course.”
“Completely?”
“Completely. I like you. You who is right here, right now, in front of me. I like you exactly as you are. So I want you to be you. Not to, I don’t know, start changing you into someone else.”
“So how come you know that and no-one else in the whole world does?”
Natalie thought, and decided to be honest. “I’m older,” she said. “I suppose.”
Evie nodded, as if that made sense. Natalie supposed that it did.
“And you really mean all of that?” Evie said. She almost sounded suspicious, like it was too good to be true. “You aren’t just saying it to sound nice. You’ll mean it always, even if it’s hard?”
“I will.”
“You’ll never try and make me do something. Even for my own good?”
Natalie thought for a moment, wanting to be careful. Wanting to make sure both she and Evie understood what was being said. “I won’t try and make you do something, ever,” she said. “Not even when it’s for a good reason. Although, for a very good reason, I might want to suggest something. But only a suggestion, not to try and make you.”
“What’s the difference?”
Natalie shrugged. “I don’t know. Saying it once, I suppose. And not trying to be clever. And not insisting if you say no.”
Evie nodded. “And no pressure or emotional blackmail or nagging or sighing or getting grumpy but saying you aren’t just because people don’t do what you want?”
Natalie looked at Evie. “God,” she said. “You’ve known some fairly awful people, haven’t you?”
Evie shrugged.
“Yes to all of that,” Natalie said. “I mean, I won’t do any of that. I’ll just tell you, then stop. None of the rest.”
“Even if you think I’m wrong?”
“Even then.”
“Even if it hurts you?”
Natalie hesitated. “That too.”
It was suddenly quite serious, Natalie thought. They were talking about relationships, while pretending not to. Talking, without completely meaning to as well. She didn’t want to stop, but she also wasn’t completely sure where this conversation might go.
Evie drank some more wine, and seemed to be thinking too. She seemed to have accepted what Natalie said as a promise, and taken it as true. Natalie supposed she would have once herself, too. Before Meredith. Before she became suspicious of people. She would have just trusted that people knew themselves well enough to do as they said they would, and stick to their commitments. She would have believed that once, but she wasn’t so sure any more. Evie still believed, it seemed, and Natalie liked that about her. She liked it even though it seemed that she’d just made Evie a promise, without quite meaning to.
Natalie watched Evie drink wine, and thought where everything had started. “This, by the way,” Natalie said. “How much you drink, that isn’t a problem, just so you know.”
“Okay.”
“I mean it.”
“You don’t mind if I get drunk tonight. Like drink until I pass out?”
Natalie shrugged. “It’s fine.”
“I’ll fuck you first if I do.”
Natalie smiled. “And I’ll look after you in the morning.”
Evie grinned back. “Okay,” she said. “What about me smoking? Everyone cares about that.”
Natalie shrugged. If Evie died twenty years early, she’d probably still outlive Natalie, but Natalie didn’t say that. “I told you, I don’t mind the smell.”
“And the weed?”
“Well, it’s probably best not to get caught if you want to be admitted to the bar…”
Evie seemed to be waiting. “And?” she said.
“And nothing. That’s all.”
“You’re not actually going to tell me not to.”
Natalie shook her head. “I like who you are. All of who you are. The
things you do is part of that.”
Evie sighed. “That there, you asshole,” she said. “That’s why I keep hanging around.”
“I mean it.”
“I know.” Evie refilled her glass, and then looked at the bottle. “You’re really not having any?”
“Can we say the same goes for me? No pressure? You leave it alone if I say no?”
Evie seemed surprised. “Yeah, of course.”
“Then no. I just don’t feel like any more tonight.”
Evie nodded, and sipped, and seemed to take that very seriously. “Okay,” she said. “Fair enough.”
*
Natalie watched Evie sip wine. After a moment, she reached over and touched Evie’s face.
“You’re beautiful,” Natalie said.
Evie looked at her for a moment. “I know you think so.”
“I do.”
“Is that why you want me?”
“Perhaps. Some of it.”
“What else?”
Natalie thought. “You’re like no-one else I’ve ever met.”
“I’m young.”
“You’re free. Of a lot of things.”
“Young.”
“Perhaps.”
“I’m self-destructive,” Evie said.
“You are and you aren’t. Perhaps not as much as you think.”
“Maybe,” Evie said. She was swaying a little, as she stood there, and her hand was unsteady as it moved. She seemed to be thinking, too. Thinking the way Natalie was.
“I’m not trying to hurt you,” Evie said. “I want you to know that.”
“I know. Or at least, I hoped.”
“I promise you, I won’t hurt you on purpose.”
“I know,” Natalie said. “Not on purpose.”
“No.”
“I’m grateful.”
Evie nodded. She tipped the glass back and drank all the wine left in it. She reached over for the bottle and poured herself more. More than Natalie would have poured, Natalie noticed.
“I want to say something,” Evie said. “Just to say it once, so it’s said, so we never need to talk about it again unless we want to.”
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