“You’re sure?”
“I’m sure,” Natalie said.
“Well I’m not,” Evie said.
*
Evie seemed unsettled. She seemed to be thinking quite hard. She got up from the bed, and went out to the kitchen for her cigarettes, and then stood in the ensuite bathroom’s doorway, with the fan on, smoking and flicking ash into the shower.
A few months ago, Natalie thought, she would have hated someone doing that. Smoking inside, and being careless with ash. Anyone at all, no matter who they were. She had assumed she’d feel that way, anyway, but it was turning out that assumption wasn’t correct. As with a lot of things, anyone actually only meant anyone except Evie. A lot of things seemed to mean anyone but Evie, and Natalie still wasn’t always sure why.
“It’s not like that,” Natalie said. “With Meredith. I promise you it isn’t. We’ve been separated for a long time, and neither of us have ever changed our minds about breaking up. Separating was a good thing. It was the right thing for both of us. She doesn’t want me back.”
“That first night,” Evie said. “When we met. I always half thought you did.”
Natalie looked at her.
“The night you drank so much,” Evie said. “That’s kind of why.”
“I told you, I was lonely.”
“But you’d just seen her, hadn’t you? I mean, I assume she was there, a big important lawyer party…?”
“She was there. And seeing her reminded me I was lonely. And hurt. And upset. But all of those are different to what you mean. I didn’t want her back.”
Evie stood there for a while, then said, “Oh.”
“You really thought I did?”
“I really wondered, that’s all. I always kind of have. And I also wondered if her seeing me would make her change her mind. If it would make her decide she wanted you after all, because I don’t know… if someone else wanted you then she ought to as well. Something like that.”
“She doesn’t,” Natalie said. “She won’t. And even if she did, I don’t want her. I promise you I don’t.”
Evie nodded.
“But I really don’t think she wants me either,” Natalie said. “Not even to spite you.”
Evie grinned. “Not even then?”
“No.”
“Well if she doesn’t, she’s acting kind of weird. That’s why it seemed like she did. Or that that I’ve upset her somehow. Something, anyway.”
“It’s not you,” Natalie said. “It’s just how she is.”
“She’s kind of intense. All the time.”
“Yes,” Natalie said, thinking. She wanted Evie to understand, but wasn’t sure how to explain. “It’s just Meredith. It’s how she is, and she can’t help it, but I don’t want that any more.”
Evie looked at her. “I don’t quite get what you mean?”
“I don’t want her. I want you.”
“No, I got that part. I meant about how she is.”
Natalie thought. “Meredith’s her age, that’s all it is.”
“Um, yep, kind of obviously she is, but you’re not really making sense…”
“Meredith is how she had to be to get what she wanted. To get anywhere at all. She’s like that because she had to be, because everything used to be very different…”
Evie grinned. “Yep, I’ve heard.”
“Oh I imagine you have. But I swear, it actually was. She had to be ruthless, to decide precisely what she wanted and give up everything else to get it. She had to be tougher and stronger and more determined than anyone around her to be taken seriously, and had to win all the time, just to get anywhere at all.”
“You keep saying she.”
“Yes,” Natalie said.
“You’re not saying we. Or you. Or whatever.”
Natalie shrugged. “Oh, well, it was the same for me, but worse for her, because she was a barrister.”
“I think I can see it in you.”
“Probably,” Natalie said. “I imagine there’s some of it, and I’m like that a little too. I suppose anyone who does well at the law probably has to be. Except that with Meredith, it’s more than that.” Natalie hesitated. “Do you want to hear this?”
Evie shrugged. “Yeah, why not.”
“I don’t know, you might…”
Evie blew smoke towards the ceiling. “I want to hear.”
“Well, Meredith’s very strong, which is good. I mean, I always admired that. She’s controlling and tough and gets her own way, and that makes her a very good barrister.”
“Okay.”
“It also makes her difficult and strong-willed and absolutely sure she’s right all the time. And I mean all the time, which can get a little irritating. And as well, she’s like that to everyone. To anyone in her life. Including to me.”
Evie was standing in the doorway smoking, and thinking. Natalie wasn’t sure if she quite understood what Natalie meant.
“At home?” Natalie said. “Every day? It’s a little difficult to live with, day after day. Every little thing becoming a fight that she won’t back down from, ever. Every little thing becoming a point of pride she has to win. She can’t stop. She doesn’t know how. So, to be honest, she’s as irritating as fuck to be around a lot of the time.”
“Oh,” Evie said. “Yep I see.”
“You do?”
Evie nodded. “That’s why you are how you are.”
Natalie was a little surprised. “How am I?”
“I don’t know. Calm. Not argumentative. Hardly ever trying to get your own way. Everything she isn’t, basically.”
“Oh,” Natalie said, thinking. “Actually, yes, I suppose that’s right.”
“Of course it is,” Evie said, grinning. “Because how I’m so terribly smart.”
Natalie smiled.
“So how she was,” Evie said. “That broke you two up?”
“It did, actually, yes, but that wasn’t my point.”
“Okay, so what was…”
“You’re not like Meredith, that was what I meant. You’re perfect. You’re the right amount of tough, but no more. You’re what Meredith would be if she was your age, I think. If she hadn’t had to fight so hard for everything.”
Evie seemed to be thinking again.
“I like you better,” Natalie said. “I really do. That’s what I meant as well. I’m not explaining this very well, but I want you to understand that. Who you are is perfect. Who you are is what I want to be with. For a lot of reasons, a lot to do with that. I don’t want to go back to Meredith, not at all, not ever. I don’t even want to talk to her if it means choosing between you and her.”
“Choosing between us?”
“Yes. If you don’t want me talking to her.”
“I don’t care,” Evie said.
“You’re sure?”
Evie nodded slowly. “Yep.”
“Oh,” Natalie said, surprised.
“I don’t care,” Evie said. “It’s fine. I promise.”
Natalie nodded. “So are you all right?” she said. “Are we? You seem quiet.”
“I’m fine,” Evie said. “I’m just thinking, that’s all. About Meredith. About how if she can’t help being how she is, then that sort of makes you a bit unkind for saying things like you did. I mean, if she didn’t have a choice about being that way…”
“I suppose it does. But it’s still what I think.”
“And I’m glad,” Evie said. “Of course. Which I guess that makes me unkind too.”
“Probably,” Natalie said. “And I didn’t have a choice either, but I’m not quite so awful about it all the time. Just to point that out.”
“Oh yeah,” Evie said. “I suppose you’re not.”
“I’m definitely not,” Natalie said.
“I know,” Evie said, smiling.
*
Evie dropped the end of her cigarette into the toilet and flushed, and then came back into the bedroom. She didn’t stop and check whether the cigarette end
had gone down, and Natalie had a feeling it probably hadn’t. It would probably still be there in the morning. They never seemed to flush properly, but Evie never seemed to notice, and Natalie didn’t actually care enough to say anything. She didn’t care since floating cigarette ends meant Evie was there with her, and that was really what mattered.
Evie lay down on the bed, and kissed Natalie, all smoky, and said, “I’m sorry about all that. I just suddenly felt kind of weird.”
“Don’t be. It’s fine.”
“And sorry for keeping you awake, too.”
“Which is fine as well.”
“I’m trying to understand about Meredith, that’s all,” Evie said. “What she means to you.”
“Is it so hard?”
Evie shrugged.
“Haven’t you ever stayed friends with someone you used to be involved with?” Natalie said.
“Um, not really,” Evie said. “Because how there was no-one serious until you, remember? So when I stop seeing someone, I just kind of… don’t see her any more.”
“Oh,” Natalie said. “Yes.”
“I think I understand why it’s different for you, though. I mean, I’m trying to.”
Natalie nodded. She wasn’t sure quite sure what to say.
Evie flopped back onto the bed. “And, well fuck it, if go around getting involved with old people, I guess old people stuff like this is just there.”
Natalie was a bit startled. She didn’t know quite what to say. Evie was looking at her, grinning, obviously waiting for some reaction, but Natalie didn’t react. She waited. In the end, Evie said, “No?”
Natalie shrugged.
“It’s true, though, isn’t it?” Evie said. “Exes and mortgages and all that shit. And I mean, it could be worse. You could have children.”
“I could,” Natalie said.
Evie was still smiling, but then she stopped and seemed to actually think about that. “You don’t, do you?” she said suddenly. “Have any children?”
Natalie was surprised. “What? No. Of course not. You don’t think I’d have mentioned that before now…?”
“I suppose. Who knows?”
Natalie kept looking at her.
“Well, I expect you would,” Evie said. “But I don’t know how it works. How would I know when you’re supposed to start telling people things like that.”
“Before now, I expect,” Natalie said.
“And now I know.”
Natalie sighed.
“See,” Evie said. “All this old person stuff I have to worry about?”
“You’re awful, you know that?” Natalie said.
“Not awful,” Evie said. “But… um, difficult? Rude, maybe?”
“Yes. Both.”
“But on purpose. If that makes a difference.”
“Of course it does.”
“Good,” Evie said, grinning again. “Just as long as you know too.”
Evie got up, and undressed, and then got back into bed. Natalie watched, a little surprised. It was early, for Evie. She would usually be up for hours longer.
“What?” Evie said.
Natalie shook her head.
“I’m getting in with you,” Evie said. “Since we’re talking. So?”
“So nothing. So I’m glad.”
“And you’re making faces.”
“I am not. And I said I was glad.”
Evie kissed Natalie, then leaned on the end of the bed with the covers half over herself. “I’m trying to understand about Meredith, though,” she said. “How she was a big deal for you for years and years, and how that doesn’t just go away. Like family, I suppose, or friends you can’t get rid of, yeah?”
“Something like that,” Natalie said.
“But do you actually want to be friends with her, though? Because that’s the part I don’t quite get. Sometimes it seems like you’re not sure, and maybe you don’t, so I keep wondering why you’re still talking to her.”
“Honestly,” Natalie said. “I don’t know if I do. I’m not even sure we can.”
“But you do want to?”
“I keep thinking it would be easier. That then I could put her behind me, and it would stop her being difficult, too. I mean, it seems the sensible thing to do, if you don’t mind.”
“What?” Evie said. “Why me?”
“Do you mind?”
“It’s not up to me.”
“It completely is.”
“Nope…” Evie said. “Don’t put that on me.”
“Well, I am.”
“I won’t let you.”
Natalie thought about that, and about how carefully Evie wasn’t saying that she didn’t care. “So do you mind?”
Evie shrugged. “I’m not sure. But if it’s just that she’s difficult, then maybe you could just stop talking to her.”
“She has things here still,” Natalie said, and pointed towards the office.
“So give them back. And then never speak to her again.”
“It wouldn’t make any difference. We work in the same area.”
“Um, not really. Tax law and barristering.”
“It’s similar enough.”
“It is not. I checked. She hasn’t taken a tax or commercial brief in years.”
“You checked?”
Evie grinned. “I looked on the internet to see if I could find her name.”
Natalie looked at her Evie a moment. “Well, anyway, I’d still see her at conferences and things, was more what I meant. And I might still have to work with her, if her clients and mine ever ran into each other.”
“You wouldn’t have to…”
“I actually would.”
“So don’t talk to her unless you have to. Don’t be chatty. I mean, if you actually don’t want to…”
Natalie wasn’t sure if Evie was saying Natalie ought not, or if she was just making suggestions, and trying to help. Natalie needed to be sure how Evie felt, before she could decide anything herself. She needed to be sure, but Evie was being evasive, and was probably doing it on purpose. Natalie decided just to ask.
“Do you not want me to?” she said.
“No, I just don’t want… I don’t know. She’s awful to you, and you don’t seem to notice.”
“I know how she treats me,” Natalie said.
“Then you should tell her to stop.”
“I know,” Natalie said. “I should.”
“But you never actually do.”
“No.”
“So do you want her as a friend? Really? Or are you just scared of her or something?”
“I’m not scared of her.”
“You sound like you are.”
“No, I just…”
Evie waited.
“It’s complicated,” Natalie said.
“Then see her,” Evie said. “Be her friend if you can. But maybe keep her away from me?”
“Of course.”
“I just don’t think her and me will ever get on, that’s all.”
“I don’t either,” Natalie said. “To be honest. Even I barely get on with her.”
Evie smiled. She seemed happy enough, and Natalie was still a little confused.
“You’re certain about this,” Natalie said, wanting to make sure. “You’re not worried at all?”
“Worried by what?”
“I don’t know. By anything?”
“That you and her’ll get back together?”
Natalie shrugged. “I suppose so, yes.”
“Nope, not any more.”
Natalie was confused. She wasn’t completely sure if she should believe Evie. Evie had been worried earlier, but seemed to have suddenly changed her mind. She seemed very quick to decide now, and almost too dismissive and calm.
“Are you sure?” Natalie said. “It’s just you were worried about that, a little while ago, and I don’t want to upset you if there’s even the slightest chance I will.”
“I won’t be upset.”
“Even th
ough a few minutes ago you were…”
“I was.”
“But now you’re fine.”
“Yep.”
Natalie thought for a moment. “I don’t understand.”
“I was worried, now I’m not.”
“A few moments ago…”
“Yep,” Evie said. “And then you said you weren’t going to get back together with her. Not ever, you said.”
“I’m not.”
“So I don’t have anything to worry about, do I? So why would I worry?”
“Because you might.”
“Why? You said not ever.”
“I don’t know, Evie. Just you might. People do.”
Evie seemed to be thinking. “Well, I don’t get jealous,” she said. “Not usually, I mean.”
“That wasn’t what I meant.”
“It’s what I meant. I don’t usually get jealous. I never have before. It’s never occurred to me to before, but…” Evie stopped, thinking again.
“Why not usually?” Natalie said, trying to understand.
“I don’t usually.”
“Because of never being serious about anyone before?”
Evie shrugged. “I suppose so, yeah.”
Natalie thought. She still wasn’t completely certain what Evie meant. “Are you jealous now?” she said. “About me?”
“I think I am. A little, maybe.”
“Oh,” Natalie said.
Evie seemed confused. She seemed almost annoyed.
“And that’s annoying you?” Natalie said, guessing.
Evie nodded.
“Jealous is fine,” Natalie said. “Jealous is normal. Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m not worried, just…” Evie thought. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t have to talk to Meredith if you don’t want me to. In fact, I won’t.”
“Talk to Meredith. Don’t be silly.”
Natalie hesitated. She thought. “You’re completely sure?” she said.
Evie nodded. “Yep, don’t be silly.”
“I don’t even know if I want to,” Natalie said.
“Then don’t. That’s fine too.”
They both went quiet. They both seemed to be thinking. They lay beside each other, silently, and something seemed to have been decided.
“We should sleep,” Natalie said, after a while. “If we’re finished talking.”
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