by Plautus
Who has been beating you?
SOSIA
I myself, who am now at home, beat me myself.
AMPH.
Take you care to say nothing but what I shall ask you. Now, do you answer me. First of all, who this Sosia is, of that I want to be informed.
SOSIA
He is your servant.
AMPH.
Really I have even more than I desire by your own one self. Never, too, since I was born, had I a servant Sosia besides yourself.
SOSIA
But now, Amphitryon, I say this; I’ll make you, I say, on your arrival, meet with another Sosia at home, a servant of yours, besides myself, a son of Davus, the same father with myself, of figure and age as well just like myself. What need is there of words? This Sosia of yours is become twofold.
AMPH.
You talk of things extremely wonderful. But did you see my wife?
SOSIA
Nay, but it was never allowed me to go in-doors into the house.
AMPH.
Who hindered you?
SOSIA
This Sosia, whom I was just now telling of, he who thumped me.
AMPH.
Who is this Sosia?
SOSIA
Myself, I say; how often must it be told you?
AMPH.
But how say you? Have you been sleeping the while?
SOSIA
Not the slightest in the world.
AMPH.
Then, perhaps, you might perchance have seen some Sosia in your dreams.
SOSIA
I am not in the habit of performing the orders of my master in a sleepy fashion. Awake I saw him, awake I now see you, awake I am talking, awake did he, a little while since, thump me about with his fists.
AMPH.
What person did so?
SOSIA
Sosia, that I myself, — he, I say. Prithee, don’t you understand?
AMPH.
How, the plague, can any one possibly understand? You are jabbering such nonsense.
SOSIA
But you’ll know him shortly.
AMPH.
Whom?
SOSIA
You’ll know this servant Sosia.
AMPH.
Follow me this way, then; for it is necessary for me first to enquire into this. But take care that all the things that I ordered are now brought from the ship.
SOSIA
I am both mindful and diligent that what you order shall be performed; together with the wine, I have not drunk up your commands.
AMPH.
May the Gods grant, that, in the event, what you have said may prove untrue. They stand apart.
Enter ALCMENA, from the house, attended by THESSALA.
ALCMENA
Is not the proportion of pleasures in life and in passing our existence short in comparison with what is disagreable? So it is allotted to each man in life; so has it pleased the Gods that Sorrow should attend on Pleasure as her companion; but if aught of good befalls us, more of trouble and of ill forthwith attends us. For this do I now feel by experience at home and in relation to myself, to whom delight has been imparted for a very short time, while I had the opportunity of seeing my husband for but one night; and now has he suddenly gone away hence from me before the dawn. Deserted do I now seem to myself, because he is absent from here, he whom before all I love. More of grief have I felt from the departure of my husband, than of pleasure from his arrival. But this, at least, makes me happy, that he has conquered the foe, and has returned home loaded with glory. Let him be absent, if only with fame acquired he betakes himself home. I shall bear and ever endure his absence with mind resolved and steadfast; if only this reward is granted me, that my husband shall be hailed the conqueror in the warfare, sufficient for myself will I deem it. Valour is the best reward; valour assuredly surpasses all things: liberty, safety, life, property and parents, country too, and children, by it are defended and preserved. Valour comprises everything in itself: all blessings attend him in whose possession is valour.
AMPH.
apart . By my troth, I do believe that I shall come much wished for by my wife, who loves me, and whom, in return, I love: especially, our enterprise crowned with success, the enemy vanquished, whom no one had supposed to be able to be conquered: these, under my conduct and command, at the first meeting, have we vanquished; but I know for sure that I shall come to her much wished for.
SOSIA
aside . Well, and don’t you think that I shall come much wished for to my mistress? SOSIA.
ALCMENA
to herself . Surely, this is my husband.
AMPH.
to SOSIA . Do you follow me this way.
ALCMENA
to herself . But why has he returned, when just now he said that he was in haste? Is he purposely trying me, and is he desirous to make proof of this, how much I regret his departure? By my faith, against no inclination of mine has he betaken himself home.
SOSIA
Amphitryon, it were better for us to return to the ship.
AMPH.
For what reason?
SOSIA
Because there’s no person at home to give us a breakfast on our arrival.
AMPH.
How comes that now into your mind?
SOSIA
Why, because we have come too late.
AMPH.
How so?
SOSIA
Because I see Alcmena standing before the house, with her stomach-full already.
AMPH.
I left her pregnant here when I went away.
SOSIA
Alas, to my sorrow, I’m undone!
AMPH.
What’s the matter with you?
SOSIA
I have come home just in good time to fetch the water in the tenth month after that, according as I understand you to compute the reckoning.
AMPH.
Be of good heart.
SOSIA
Do you know of how good heart I am? By my troth, do you never after this day entrust to me aught that is sacred, if I don’t draw up all the life of that well, if I do but make a beginning.
AMPH.
Do you only follow me this way. I’ll appoint another person for that business; don’t you fear.
ALCMENA
advancing . I think that I shall now be doing my duty more, if I go to meet him. (They meet.)
AMPH.
With joy, Amphitryon greets his longed for wife — her, whom of all women in Thebes her husband deems by far the most excellent, and whom so much the Theban citizens truthfully extol as virtuous. Have you fared well all along? Do I arrive much wished for by you?
SOSIA
aside . I never saw one more so; for she greets her own husband not a bit more than a dog.
AMPH.
When I see you pregnant, and so gracefully burdened, I am delighted.
ALCMENA
Prithee, in the name of all that’s good, why, for the sake of mockery, do you thus salute and address me, as though you hadn’t lately seen me — as though now, for the first time, you were betaking yourself homeward here from the enemy? For now you are addressing me just as though you were seeing me after a long time.
AMPH.
Why, really for my part, I have not seen you at all this day until now.
ALCMENA
Why do you deny it?
AMPH.
Because I have learned to speak the truth.
ALCMENA
He does not do right, who unlearns the same that he has learned. Are you making trial what feelings I possess? But why are you returning hither so soon? Has an ill omen delayed you, or does the weather keep you back, you who have not gone away to your troops, as you were lately speaking of?
AMPH.
Lately? How long since was this “lately?”
ALCMENA
You are trying me; but very lately, just now.
AMPH.
Prithee, how can that possi
bly be as you say?— “but very lately, just now.”
ALCMENA
Why, what do you imagine? That I, on the other hand, shall trifle with you who are playing with me, in saying that you are now come for the first time, you who but just now went away from here?
AMPH.
Surely she is talking deliriously.
SOSIA
Stop a little while, until she has slept out this one sleep.
AMPH.
Is she not dreaming with her eyes open?
ALCMENA
Upon my faith, for my part I really am awake, and awake I am relating that which has happened; for, but lately, before daybreak, I saw both him pointing at SOSIA and yourself.
AMPH.
In what place?
ALCMENA
Here, in the house where you yourself dwell.
AMPH.
It never was the fact.
SOSIA
Will you not hold your peace? What if the vessel brought us here from the harbour in our sleep?
AMPH.
Are you, too, going to back her as well?
SOSIA
aside to AMPHITRYON . What do you wish to be done? Don’t you know, if you wish to oppose a raving Bacchanal, from a mad woman you’ll render her more mad — she’ll strike the oftener; if you humour her, after one blow you may overcome her?
AMPH.
But, by my troth, this thing is resolved upon, somehow to rate her who this day has been unwilling to greet me on my arrival home.
SOSIA
You’ll only be irritating hornets.
AMPH.
You hold your tongue. Alcmena, I wish to ask you one thing.
ALCMENA
Ask me anything you please.
AMPH.
Is it frenzy that has come upon you, or does pride overcome you?
ALCMENA
How comes it into your mind, my husband, to ask me that?
AMPH.
Because formerly you used to greet me on my arrival, and to address me in such manner as those women who are virtuous are wont their husbands. On my arrival home I’ve found that you have got rid of that custom.
ALCMENA
By my faith, indeed, I assuredly did both greet you yesterday, upon your arrival, at that very instant, and at the same time I enquired if you had continued in health all along, my husband, and I took your hand and gave you a kiss.
SOSIA
What, did you welcome him yesterday?
ALCMENA
And you too, as well, Sosia.
SOSIA
Amphitryon, I did hope that she was about to bring you forth a son; but she isn’t gone with child.
AMPH.
What then?
SOSIA
With madness.
ALCMENA
Really I am in my senses, and I pray the Gods that in safety I may bring forth a son; but to SOSIA hap-ill shall you be having, if he does his duty: for those ominous words, omen-maker, you shall catch what befits you.
SOSIA
Why really an apple ought to be given to the lady thus pregnant, that there may be something for her to gnaw if she should begin to faint.
AMPH.
Did you see me here yesterday?
ALCMENA
I did, I say, if you wish it to be ten times repeated.
AMPH.
In your sleep, perhaps?
ALCMENA
No — I, awake, saw you awake.
AMPH.
Woe to me!
SOSIA
What’s the matter with you?
AMPH.
My wife is mad.
SOSIA
She’s attacked with black bile; nothing so soon turns people mad.
AMPH.
When, madam, did you first find yourself affected?
ALCMENA
Why really, upon my faith, I’m well, and in my senses.
AMPH.
Why, then, do you say that you saw me yesterday, whereas we were brought into harbour but last night? There did I dine, and there did I rest the livelong night on board ship, nor have I set my foot even here into the house, since, with the army, I set out hence against the Teleboan foe, and since we conquered them.
ALCMENA
On the contrary, you dined with me, and you slept with me.
AMPH.
How so?
ALCMENA
I’m telling the truth.
AMPH.
On my honor, not in this matter, really; about other
MATTERS
I don’t know.
ALCMENA
At the very break of dawn you went away to your troops.
AMPH.
By what means could I?
SOSIA
She says right, according as she remembers; she’s telling you her dream. But, madam, after you arose, you ought to have sacrificed to Jove, the disposer of prodigies, either with a salt cake or with frankincense.
ALCMENA
A mischief on your head!
SOSIA
That’s your own business, if you take due care.
ALCMENA
Now again this fellow is talking rudely to me, and that without punishment.
AMPH.
to SOSIA . You hold your tongue. To ALCMENA. Do you tell me now — did I go away hence from you at daybreak?
ALCMENA
Who then but your own self recounted to me how the battle went there?
AMPH.
And do you know that as well?
ALCMENA
Why, I heard it from your own self, how you had taken a very large city, and how you yourself had slain king Pterelas.
AMPH.
What, did I tell you this?
ALCMENA
You yourself, this Sosia standing by as well.
AMPH.
to SOSIA . Have you heard me telling about this to-day?
SOSIA
Where should I have heard you?
AMPH.
Ask her.
SOSIA
In my presence, indeed, it never took place, that I know of.
ALCMENA
It would be a wonder if he didn’t contradict you.
AMPH.
Sosia, come here and look at me.
SOSIA
looks at him . I am looking at you.
AMPH.
I wish you to tell the truth, and I don’t want you to humour me. Have you heard me this day sav to her these things which she affirms?
SOSIA
Prithee now, by my troth, are you, too, mad as well, when you ask me this, me, who, for my part, my own self now behold her in company with you for the first time?
AMPH.
How now, madam? Do you hear him?
ALCMENA
I do, indeed, and telling an untruth.
AMPH.
Do you believe neither him nor my own self, your husband?
ALCMENA
No; for this reason it is, because I most readily believe myself, and I am sure that these things took place just as I relate them.
AMPH.
Do you say that I came yesterday?
ALCMENA
Do you deny that you went away from here to-day?
AMPH.
I really do deny it, and I declare that I have now come home to you for the first time.
ALCMENA
Prithee, will you deny this too, that you to-day made me a present of a golden goblet, with which you said that you had been presented?
AMPH.
By heavens, I neither gave it nor told you so: but I had so intended, and do so now, to present you with that goblet. But who told you this?
ALCMENA
Why, I heard it from yourself, and I received the goblet from your own hand. She moves as if going.
AMPH.
Stay, stay, I entreat you. Sosia, I marvel much how she knows that I was presented there with this golden goblet, unless you have lately met her and told her all this.
SOSIA
Upon my faith, I have never told her, nor have I ever beheld her except with yourself.
AMPH.
What is the matter with this person?
ALCMENA
Should you like the goblet to be produced?
AMPH.
I should like it; to be produced
ALCMENA
Be it so. Do you go, Thessala, and bring from indoors the goblet, with which my husband presented me today. THESSALA goes into the house, and AMPHITRYON and SOSIA walk on one side.
AMPH.
Sosia, do you step this way. Really, I do wonder extremely at this beyond the other wondrous matters, if she has got this goblet.
SOSIA
And do you believe it, when it’s carried in this casket, sealed with your own seal. He shows the casket.
AMPH.
Is the seal whole?
SOSIA
Examine it.
AMPH.
examining it . All right, it’s just as I sealed it up.
SOSIA
Prithee, why don’t you order her to be purified as a frantic person?
AMPH.
By my troth, somehow there’s need for it, for, i’ faith, she’s certainly filled with sprites. ALCMENA.
ALCMENA
What need is there of talking? See, here’s the goblet; here it is.
AMPH.
Give it me.
ALCMENA
Come, now then, look here, if you please, you who deny what is fact, and whom I shall now clearly convict in this case. Isn’t this the goblet with which you were presented there?
AMPH.
Supreme Jupiter! what do I behold? Surely this is that goblet. Sosia, I’m utterly confounded.
SOSIA
Upon my faith, either this woman is a most consummate juggler, or the goblet must be in here pointing to the casket . AMPH. Come, then, open this casket.
SOSIA
Why should I open it? It is securely sealed. The thing is cleverly contrived; you have brought forth another Amphitryon, I have brought forth another Sosia; now if the goblet has brought forth a goblet, we have all produced our doubles.
AMPH.
I’m determined to open and examine it.
SOSIA
Look, please, how the seal is, that you may not hereafter throw the blame on me.
AMPH.
Now do open it. For she certainly is desirous to drive us mad with her talking.
ALCMENA
Whence then came this which was made a present to me, but from yourself?
AMPH.
It’s necessary for me to enquire into this.
SOSIA
opening the casket . Jupiter, O Jupiter!
AMPH.
What is the matter with you?
SOSIA
There’s no goblet here in the casket.
AMPH.
What do I hear.
SOSIA