Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  ACT I.

  Enter EUCLIO, driving out STAPHYLA.

  EUCLIO

  Get out, I say, be off, get out; by my troth, you must budge out of this house here, you pryabout woman, with your inquisitive eyes.

  STAPHYLA

  Pray why are you beating me, wretched creature that I am?

  EUCLIO

  That you may be wretched, and that, curst as you are. you may pass a curst life, well befitting you.

  STAPHYLA

  But for what reason have you now pushed me out of the house?

  EUCLIO

  Am I to be giving you a reason, you whole harvest of whips. Get away there from the door! There, do look, if you please, how she does creep along. But do you know how matters stand with you? If I just now take a stick or a whip in my hand, I’ll quicken that tortoise pace for you.

  STAPHYLA

  O that the Gods would drive me to hang myself, rather indeed than that I should be a slave in your house on these terms!

  EUCLIO

  Hark how the hag is grumbling to herself! By my troth, you wretch, I’ll knock out those eyes of yours, that you mayn’t be able to watch me, what business I’m about. Get out pushes her with his hands -further yet! still further! further! There now, stand you there! By my faith, if you budge a finger’s breadth, or a nail’s width from that spot, or if you look back until I shall order you, i’ faith, I’ll give you up at once as a trainer for the gibbet. Aside. I know for sure that I did never see one more accursed than this hag, and I’m sadly in fear of her, lest she should be cheating me unawares, or be scenting it out where the gold is concealed, a most vile wretch, who has eyes in the back of her head as well. Now I’ll go and see whether the gold is just as I concealed it, that so troubles wretched me in very many ways. He goes into his house.

  STAPHYLA

  By heavens, I cannot now conceive what misfortune, or what insanity, I am to say has befallen my master; in such a way does he often, ten times in one day, in this fashion push wretched me out of the house. I’ faith, I know not what craziness does possess this man; whole nights is he on the watch; then, too, all the day long does he sit for whole days together at home like a lame cobbler. Nor can I imagine now by what means to conceal the disgrace of my master’s daughter, whose lying-in approaches near; and there isn’t anything better for me, as I fancy, than to make one long capital letter of myself, when I’ve tied up my neck in a halter.

  Enter EUCLIO, from his house.

  EUCLIO

  to himself . Now, with my mind at ease, at length I go out of my house, after I’ve seen that everything is safe in-doors. Now do you return at once into the house to STAPHYLA , and keep watch in-doors.

  STAPHYLA

  Keep watch in-doors upon nothing at all, forsooth! or is it, that no one may carry the house away. For here in our house there’s nothing else for thieves to gain, so filled is it with emptiness and cobwebs.

  EUCLIO

  ’Tis a wonder that, for your sake, Jupiter doesn’t now make me a King Philip, or a Darius, you hag of hags. I choose those cobwebs to be watched for me. I am poor, I confess it — I put up with it. What the Gods send, I endure. Go in-doors, shut to the door, I shall be there directly. Take you care not to let any strange person into the house.

  STAPHYLA

  What if any person asks for fire?

  EUCLIO

  I wish it to be put out, that there may be no cause for any one asking it of you. But if the fire shall be kept in, you yourself shall be forthwith extinguished. Then do you say that the water has run out, if any one asks for it.

  STAPHYLA

  The knife, the hatchet, the pestle and mortar, utensils that neighbours are always asking the loan of ——

  EUCLIO

  Say that thieves have come and carried them off. In fact, in my absence, I wish no one to be admitted into my house; and this, too, do I tell you beforehand, if Good Luck should come, don’t you admit her.

  STAPHYLA

  I’ faith, she takes good care, I think, not to be admitted; for though close at hand, she has never come to our house.

  EUCLIO

  Hold your tongue, and go in-doors.

  STAPHYLA

  I’ll hold my tongue, and be off.

  EUCLIO

  Shut the door, please, with both bolts. I shall be there directly. STAPHYLA goes into the house. I’m tormented in my mind, because I must go away from my house I’ faith, I go but very unwillingly; but I know full well what I’m about; for the person that is our master of our ward has given notice that he will distribute a didrachm of silver to each man; if I relinquish that, and don’t ask for it, at once I fancy that all will be suspecting that I’ve got gold at home; for it isn’t very likely that a poor man would despise ever such a trifle, so as not to ask for his piece of money. For as it is, while I am carefully concealing it from all, lest they should know, all seem to know it, and all salute me more civilly than they formerly used to salute me; they come up to me, they stop, they shake hands; they ask me how I am, what I’m doing, what business I’m about. Now I’ll go there whither I had set out; afterwards, I’ll betake myself back again home as fast as ever I can.

  ACT II.

  Enter EUNOMIA and MEGADORUS, from their house.

  EUNOMIA

  I could wish you, brother, to think that I utter these words by reason of my own regard and your welfare, as is befitting your own sister to do. Although I’m not unaware that we women are accounted troublesome; for we are all of us deservedly considered very talkative, and, in fact, they say at the present day that not a single woman has been found dumb in any age. Still, brother, do you consider this one circumstance, that I am your nearest relation, and you in like manner are mine. How proper it is that I should counsel and advise you, and you me, as to what we may judge for the interest of each of us; and for it not to be kept concealed or kept silence upon through apprehension, but rather that I should make you my confidant, and you me in like manner. For that reason, now, have I brought you here apart out of doors, that I might here discourse with you upon your private concerns.

  MEGADORUS

  Best of women, give me your hand. Takes her hand.

  EUNOMIA

  looking about . Where is she? Who, pray, is this best of women?

  MEGADORUS

  Yourself.

  EUNOMIA

  Do you say so?

  MEGADORUS

  If you say no, I say no.

  EUNOMIA

  Indeed, it’s right that the truth should be spoken; for the best of women can nowhere be found; one is only worse than another, brother.

  MEGADORUS

  I think the same, and I’m determined never to contradict you on that point, sister. What do you wish?

  EUNOMIA

  Give me your attention, I beg of you.

  MEGADORUS

  ’Tis at your service; use and command me, please, if you wish for aught.

  EUNOMIA

  A thing that I consider very greatly for your advantage I’m come to recommend you.

  MEGADORUS

  Sister, you are doing after your usual manner.

  EUNOMIA

  I wish it were done.

  MEGADORUS

  What is it, sister?

  EUNOMIA

  That you may enjoy everlasting blessings in being the father of children.

  MEGADORUS

  May the Gods so grant it.

  EUNOMIA

  I wish you to bring home a wife.

  MEGADORUS

  Ha! I’m undone.

  EUNOMIA

  How so?

  MEGADORUS

  Because, sister, your words are knocking out the brains of unfortunate me; you are speaking stones.

  EUNOMIA

  Well, well, do this that your sister requests you.

  MEGADORUS

  If she requests me, I will do it.

  EUNOMIA

  ’Tis for your own interest.

  MEGADORUS


  Yes, for me to die before I marry. Let her who comes here to-morrow, be carried out of the house the day after, sister; on that condition, give me her whom you wish to give; get ready the nuptials.

  EUNOMIA

  I am able, brother, to provide you with a wife with a very large marriage-portion. But she’s somewhat aged; she’s of the middle-age of woman. If you request me, brother, to ask her for you, I’ll ask her.

  MEGADORUS

  Would you like me to ask you a question?

  EUNOMIA

  Yes, if you like, ask it.

  MEGADORUS

  Suppose any old man, past mid-age, brings home a middle-aged wife, if by chance he should have a child by this old woman, do you doubt at all but that the name of that child is Posthumus, all prepared? Now, sister, I’ll remove and lessen this labour for you. I, by the merits of the Gods and of my forefathers, am rich enough; these high families, haughty pride, bountiful portions, acclamations, imperiousness, vehicles inlaid with ivory, superb mantles and purple, I can’t abide, things that by their extravagance reduce men to slavery.

  EUNOMIA

  Tell me, pray, who is she whom you would like to take for a wife?

  MEGADORUS

  I’ll tell you. Do you know that Euclio, the poor old man close by?

  EUNOMIA

  I know him; not a bad sort of man, i’ faith.

  MEGADORUS

  I’d like his maiden daughter to be promised me in marriage. Don’t make any words about it, sister; I know what you are going to say; that she’s poor. This poor girl pleases me.

  EUNOMIA

  May the Gods prosper it.

  MEGADORUS

  I hope the same.

  EUNOMIA

  What do you want me now for? Do you wish for anything?

  MEGADORUS

  Farewell.

  EUNOMIA

  And you the same, brother. Goes into the house.

  MEGADORUS

  I’ll go meet Euclio, if he’s at home. But, see! the very person is betaking himself home, whence, I know not.

  Enter EUCLIO.

  EUCLIO

  to himself . My mind had a presentiment that I was going to no purpose when I left my house; and therefore I went unwillingly; for neither did any one of the wardsmen come, nor yet the master of the ward, who ought to have distributed the money. Now I’m making all haste to hasten home; for I myself am here, my mind’s at home.

  MEGADORUS

  accosting him . May you be well, and ever fortunate, Euclio!

  EUCLIO

  May the Gods bless you, Megadorus!

  MEGADORUS

  How are you? Are you quite well, and as you wish?

  EUCLIO

  aside . It isn’t for nothing when a rich man accosts a poor man courteously; now this fellow knows that I’ve got some gold; for that reason he salutes me more courteously.

  MEGADORUS

  Do you say that you are well?

  EUCLIO

  Troth, I’m not very well in the money line.

  MEGADORUS

  I’ faith, if you’ve a contented mind, you have enough to passing a good life with.

  EUCLIO

  aside . By my faith, the old woman has made a discovery to him about the gold; ’tis clear it’s all out. I’ll cut off her tongue, and tear out her eyes, when I get home.

  MEGADORUS

  Why are you talking to yourself?

  EUCLIO

  I’m lamenting my poverty; I’ve a grown-up girl without a portion, and one that can’t be disposed of in marriage; nor have I the ability to marry her to anybody.

  MEGADORUS

  Hold your peace; be of good courage, Euclio: she shall be given in marriaye; you shall be assisted by myself. Say, if you have need of aught; command me.

  EUCLIO

  aside . Now is he aiming at my property, while he’s making promises; he’s gaping for my gold, that he may devour it; in the one hand he is carrying a stone. while he shows the bread in the other. I trust no person, who, rich himself, is exceedingly courteous to a poor man; when he extends his hand with a kind air, then is he loading you with some damage. I know these polypi, who, when they’ve touched a thing, hold it fast.

  MEG.(

  Give me your attention, Euclio, for a little time: I wish to address you in a few words, about a common concern of yours and mine.

  EUCLIO

  aside . Alas! woe is me! my gold has been grabbed from in-doors: now he’s wishing for this thing, I’m sure, to come to a compromise with me; but I’ll go look in my house. He goes towards his door.

  MEGADORUS

  Where are you going?

  EUCLIO

  I’ll return to you directly, for there’s something I must go and see to at home. He goes into his house.

  MEGADORUS

  By my troth, I do believe that when I make mention of his daughter, for him to promise her to me, he’ll suppose that he’s being laughed at by me; nor is there out of the whole class of paupers one more beggarly than he. EUCLIO returns from his house.

  EUCLIO

  aside . The Gods do favour me; my property’s all safe. If nothing’s lost, it’s safe. I was very dreadfully afraid, before I went in-doors! I was almost dead! Aloud. I’m come back to you, Megadorus, if you wish to say anything tome.

  MEGADORUS

  I return you thanks; I beg that as to what I shall enquire of you, you’ll not hesitate to speak out boldly.

  EUCLIO

  So long, indeed, as you enquire nothing that I mayn’t choose to speak out upon.

  MEGADORUS

  Tell me, of what sort of family do you consider me to be sprung?

  EUCLIO

  Of a good one.

  MEGADORUS

  What think you as to my character?

  EUCLIO

  ’Tis a good one.

  MEGADORUS

  What of my conduct?

  EUCLIO

  Neither bad nor dishonest.

  MEGADORUS

  Do you know my years?

  EUCLIO

  I know that they are plentiful, just like your money.

  MEGADORUS

  I’ faith, for sure I really did always take you to be a citizen without any evil guile, and now I think you so.

  EUCLIO

  aside . He smells the gold. Aloud. What do you want with me now?

  MEGADORUS

  Since you know me, and I know you, what sort of person you are — a thing, that may it bring a blessing on myself, and you and your daughter, I ask your daughter as my wife. Promise me that it shall be so.

  EUCLIO

  Heyday! Megadorus, you are doing a deed that’s not becoming to your usual actions, in laughing at me, a poor man, and guiltless towards yourself and towards your family For neither in act, nor in words, have I ever deserved it of you, that you should do what you are now doing.

  MEGADORUS

  By my troth, I neither am come to laugh at you, nor am I laughing at you, nor do I think you deserving of it.

  EUCLIO

  Why then do you ask for my daughter for your self?

  MEGADORUS

  That through me it may be better for you, and through you and yours for me.

  EUCLIO

  This suggests itself to my mind, Megadorus, that you are a wealthy man, a man of rank; that I likewise am a person, the poorest of the poor; now, if I should give my daughter in marriage to you, it suggests itself to my mind that you are the ox, and that I am the ass; when I’m yoked to you, and when I’m not able to bear the burden equally with yourself, I, the ass, must lie down in the mire; you, the ox, would regard me no more than if I had never been born; and I should both find you unjust, and my own class would laugh at me; in neither direction should I have a fixed stall, if there should be any separation; the asses would tear me with their teeth, the oxen would butt at me with their horns. This is the great hazard, in my passing over from the asses to the oxen.

  MEGADORUS

  The near
er you can unite yourself in alliance with the virtuous, so much the better. Do you receive this proposal, listen to me, and promise her to me.

  EUCLIO

  But indeed there is no marriage-portion.

  MEGADORUS

  You are to give none; so long as she comes with good principles, she is sufficiently portioned.

  EUCLIO

  I say so for this reason, that you mayn’t be supposing that I have found any treasures.

  MEGADORUS

  I know that; don’t enlarge upon it. Promise her to me.

  EUCLIO

  So be it. Starts and looks about. But, O Jupiter, am I not utterly undone?

  MEGADORUS

  What’s the matter with you?

  EUCLIO

  What was it sounded just now as though it were iron?

  MEGADORUS

  Here at my place, I ordered them to dig up the garden. EUCLIO runs off into his house. But where is this man? He’s off, and he hasn’t fully answered me; he treats me with contempt. Because he sees that I wish for his friendship, he acts after the manner of mankind. For if a wealthy person goes to ask a favour of a poorer one, the poor man is afraid to treat with him; through his apprehension he hurts his own interest. The same person, when this opportunity is lost, too late, then wishes for it.

  EUCLIO

  coming out of the house, addressing STAPHYLA within . By the powers, if I don’t give you up to have your tongue cut out by the roots, I order and I authorize you to hand me over to any one you please to be incapacitated.

  MEGADORUS

  By my troth, Euclio, I perceive that you consider me a fit man for you to make sport of in my old age, for no deserts of my own.

  EUCLIO

  I’ faith, Megadorus, I am not doing so, nor, should I desire it, had I the means.

  MEGADORUS

  How now? Do you then betroth your daughter to me?