by Plautus
NICOBULUS
Well, I beg you will do so, Chrysalus; and I entreat you not to spare him in your talking to him.
CHRYSALUS
And do you instruct even myself? Isn’t it sufficient, if this day he shall hear from me more harsh things than ever Clinias heard from Demetrius? Goes into the house of BACCHIS.
NICOBULUS
This servant of mine is very like a running eye; if you have it not, you don’t wish for it or desire it; if you have it, you can’t keep off from rubbing it. But if he hadn’t, by lucky chance, been here to-day, the Captain would have surprised Mnesilochus with his wife, and have killed him as an adulterer detected in the fact. Now, in a manner have I ransomed my son with the two hundred Philippeans which I have promised to give to the Captain; which, however, I shall not rashly pay him down, before I have met with my son. By my troth, I’ll never rashly give credence in anything to Chrysalus. But I have a mind even once again to read over this letter; ’tis right that when a letter is sealed we should give credence to it. Goes into his house.
Enter CHRYSALUS from the house of BACCHIS.
CHRYSALUS
The two brothers, the sons of Atreus, are said to have done a most famous deed, when, with arms, and horses, and an army, and with chosen warriors, and with ships a thousand in number, after the tenth year, they subdued Pergamus, the native land of Priam, founded by hands divine. Not more decidedly did it fall by the engine of war, than I shall storm my master here, without a fleet, and without an army and so great array of soldiers. I have won, I have taken by storm this gold from his father for my master’s son, in his amour. Now, before the old man comes here, I wish to lament until he does come out. O Troy! O my country! O Pergamus! O Priam! old man, you are undone, you, who’ll be wretchedly and shockingly choused out of four hundred golden Philippeans. For those tablets, sealed on the one side and on the other, they are not tablets, but the horse which the Greeks sent, of wood. Pistoclerus is the Epeus; from him were these received. Mnesilochus is the Simon left behind. Behold him! not in Achilles’ tomb, but on a couch he reclines: he has Bacchis with him; just as the other formerly had the fire with which to give the signal; so now does she inflame himself. I am Ulysses, by whose advice they do these things. Then, the characters which there are written, are the soldiers in this horse, armed and of high courage. So even thus far has the matter prospered with me. This horse, too, will be making his attack, not on a citadel, but on a coffer A ruin, a destruction, a cleaner-out of the old man’s gold, will this horse prove this day. To this silly old man of ours, in fact, I give the name of Ilium; the Captain is Menelaüs; I, Agamemnon; I, too, am Ulysses, the son of Laërtes; Mnesilochus is Alexander, who will be the destruction of his father’s fortunes; he has borne off the Helen, on whose account I am now carrying on the siege of Ilium. For there I have heard say that Ulysses was both bold and full of mischief, just as I am. I have been detected in my tricks — he, discovered in a beggar’s guise, had almost perished, while he was spying out there the doings of the Trojans. Similarly has it happened to myself to-day. I have been bound, but by my devices I have redeemed myself; he, too, preserved himself by artifice. I have heard that there were three destinies attending Troy, which were fatal to it; if the statue should be lost from the citadel; whereas the second was the death of Troilus; the third was when the upper lintel of the Phrygian gate should be demolished. Just so are there three fatalities for this Troy of ours, corresponding with those three; for, first of all, when, a short time since, as I told our old gentleman the lying story about his host, and the gold, and the bark, then, that instant, did I steal the statue from the citadel. And even then two fatalities were remaining, and no further had I taken this city. Afterwards, when I carried the letter to the old man, then I killed my Troilus. When he supposed, just now, that Mnesilochus was with the Captain’s wife, from that, with difficulty, did I disengage myself. And that danger do I compare to what they say, how that Ulysses, recognized by Helen, was betrayed to Hecuba. But as, in olden time, by his coaxing arts, he liberated himself from her, and persuaded her to let him go, so I, by my devices, have rescued myself from the danger, and have deceived the old man. Afterwards, I engaged with the blustering Captain, who, unarmed, takes cities with his words, and there I repulsed my man. Then I engaged in fight with the old gentleman; straightway by one lying device did I vanquish him; by one blow, in a moment, did I take the spoils away from him. He now will give the two hundred Philippean pieces to the Captain, which he has promised that he will give. ... Now, I have occasion for another two hundred, to be distributed when Ilium is taken, that there may be the usual draught of honeyed wine with which the soldiers may celebrate their triumph. But this Priam is far superior to him of old. Not fifty sons only has he, but four hundred, and all choice ones, without a blemish; all these this day will I cut off at two single blows. Now, if there were any purchaser for this Priam of ours, I would sell the old fellow in the lump, whom I have on sale the moment that J shall have taken the city. But, lo! I see our Priam standing before the door; I’ll go and speak to him.
Enter NICOBULUS from his house.
NICOBULUS
Pray, whose voice is it that sounds near me?
CHRYSALUS
O Nicobulus!
NICOBULUS
What’s the matter?
CHRYSALUS
O, capital!
NICOBULUS
Well, have you done aught of what I sent you upon?
CHRYSALUS
What — ask you that? Step closer this way.
NICOBULUS
coming nearer . Well, I do come closer.
CHRYSALUS
I am an excellent pleader. By rebuking him, and by whatever hard language I really was able to think of, I forced the fellow to tears.
NICOBULUS
What did he say?
CHRYSALUS
He uttered not a word: crying, he listened in silence to what I was saying; in silence he wrote down on his tablets; these sealed he gave to me; he bade me deliver them to you. Gives him the tablets. But I am afraid that they sing to the same tune that the former ones did. Observe the seal, is it his?
NICOBULUS
I recognize it. I’d like to read them over. Goes to a distance.
CHRYSALUS
Read them through. Aside. Now is the upper lintel being cut down, now is the destruction of Troy near at hand. The wooden horse is shaking it right cleverly.
NICOBULUS
Chrysalus, just step here while I am reading these through.
CHRYSALUS
Prithee, what need is there for me to be near you?
NICOBULUS
That you may know what’s written here.
CHRYSALUS
I don’t care, and I don’t wish to know.
NICOBULUS
Still, do come here.
CHRYSALUS
What need is there?
NICOBULUS
Hold your tongue.
CHRYSALUS
I won’t, I say.
NICOBULUS
But I will, I say.
CHRYSALUS
What need is there?
NICOBULUS
Still do you only do that which I bid you.
CHRYSALUS
I’ll come. ’Tis right to do so; your own servant ought to be obedient at your command. Goes up to him.
NICOBULUS
looking at the tablets . Heyday! he hasn’t been sparing of his wax or pen. But whatever it is, I’m resolved to read it through. Attend to me, please, this very instant.
CHRYSALUS
When you choose, read on; I devote to you the attention of my ears.
NICOBULUS
looking close . Bless me! the letters are small.
CHRYSALUS
To one, indeed, who cannot see well with his eyes but they are quite large enough for one who can see well.
NICOBULUS
Give your attention then. He reads. “Father, I beseech you, do give tw
o hundred Philippeans to Chrysalus, if you wish me to be safe or alive for you — —”
CHRYSALUS
By my troth, really a very great mistake, I tell you.
NICOBULUS
What’s the matter?
CHRYSALUS
He hasn’t first written the salutation to you.
NICOBULUS
looking . I don’t see it anywhere.
CHRYSALUS
Even from its very commencement the letter is an impertinent one. If you are wise, you’ll not give it; but at the best, if you give it him, why, let him find out some other porter for himself, if he is wise; for I won’t carry it if you order me ever so much. I’ve been quite enough suspected as it is, when I was guiltless of a fault.
NICOBULUS
Listen on now, while I read through what’s written. (Reading.) “I am ashamed, father, to appear before you in your presence; such disgraceful conduct of mine have I heard that you are aware of, that I have formed an intercourse with the wife of a strange Captain.” By my troth, you are not joking there; for I have saved your life from the consequences of this foul deed with two hundred golden Philippeans.
CHRYSALUS
There’s not a particle of these things but what I’ve told him.
NICOBULUS
reading . “I confess that I have acted foolishly. But I beseech you, father, do not forsake me, if, in my folly, I have transgressed. Of fierce desires, and eyes uncontrolled, have I been; I have been urged on to do a deed of which I am now ashamed.” It were proper, then, that you should have taken heed before you were ashamed.
CHRYSALUS
All these very same words did I say to him only just now.
NICOBULUS
reading . “I beseech you, father, to consider that it is enough that Chrysalus has reproached me with many cutting words, and by his advice has made me a better man, so that ’tis right that you should return him sincere thanks.”
CHRYSALUS
Is that written there?
NICOBULUS
Look and see, then you’ll know. Shows him the letter.
CHRYSALUS
He that has so offended, how humble to all he is, and of his own accord.
NICOBULUS
reading . “Now, father, if even yet I may be allowed to ask anything of you, do give me two hundred Philippean pieces, I do entreat you.”
CHRYSALUS
By my troth, now, not one even, if you are wise.
NICOBULUS
Let me read on. Reading. “In set form I have taken an oath that I would give this to the woman this day before nightfall, ere she leaves me. Now, father, have a care that I be not forsworn, and take me hence away from her as soon as you can, on whose account I have incurred so much loss and guilt. Take care and let not the two hundred pieces be a cause of annoyance to you; I will repay you innumerable times as much, if I live. Farewell, and do attend to these matters.” Now, Chrysalus, what do you think?
CHRYSALUS
I won’t give you one bit of advice this day, and I won’t run the risk, that if any mistake is made, you should say that you had done it by my counsel. But, as I conceive, if I were in your place, I would rather give the gold than suffer him to be corrupted. There is a twofold choice consider which you would adopt; either to lose the gold, or for a lover to be forsworn. I neither order you, nor forbid you, nor do I persuade you.
NICOBULUS
I’m sorry for him.
CHRYSALUS
You don’t do anything surprising — he is your son. If still more must be lost, ’tis better for it to go, than for this disgrace to be everywhere proclaimed.
NICOBULUS
By my troth, I certainly had much rather he had been at Ephesus, so long as he was well, than that he had returned home. But why don’t I hasten to get rid of that which is doomed to be squandered away? I’ll bring you just now from in-doors twice two hundred Philippeans, both those which, a little time since, to my sorrow, I promised to the Captain, and these others. Wait there; I’ll be out to you, Chrysalus, this instant. Goes into his house.
CHRYSALUS
Troy is laid waste, the chiefs have razed Pergamus. I knew some time ago that I should be the ruin of Pergamus. I’ faith I wouldn’t dare make a bet with him who should say that I was deserving of severe torture; so great confusion am I making. But the door makes a noise; the plunder’s being brought forth from Troy. For the present I’ll hold my tongue. with the money in two bays.
NICOBULUS
Take you this gold, Chrysalus; go, carry it to my son. But I’ll go hence to the market-place to pay this to the Captain.
CHRYSALUS
For my part, I’ll not receive it; do you seek somebody at once to take it. I won’t have it entrusted to me.
NICOBULUS
But do take it; you’re worrying me now. Holds it to him.
CHRYSALUS
For my part, I’ll not take it.
NICOBULUS
But, prithee do.
CHRYSALUS
I am telling you what is the fact.
NICOBULUS
You are delaying me.
CHRYSALUS
I don’t want, I say, the gold to be entrusted to me. At all events, find some person to keep a watch upon me.
NICOBULUS
You’re plaguing me.
CHRYSALUS
Well, give it me, if it must be so. Holds out his hand.
NICOBULUS
gives him the money . Take care of it. I’ll be back here just now. (Exit.)
CHRYSALUS
I’ve taken care —— that you shall be a most wretched old fellow; this is bringing an undertaking to a fair ending; even as it has proved my lot to go rejoicing, laden with the spoil. With safety to myself, and the city taken by stratagem, I now bring home my whole army unhurt. But, Spectators, don’t you now be surprised that I don’t go in triumph; ’tis such a common thing, I don’t care for it. Still however, the soldiers shall be received with the usual honeyed wine. Now I’ll carry off all this booty at once to the Quæstor. Goes into the house of BACCHIS. Enter PHILOXENUS.
PHILOXENUS
The more I revolve it in my breast, what disturbances my son has raised, into what a course of life, and into what habits he unwittingly has headlong plunged himself, the greater is my concern, and the more do I dread lest he may be ruined or corrupted. I know it; I once was of the same age, and I did all these things; but in a quiet way. I was gay, I had my mistress, I drank, I feasted, I made presents, but still it was seldom I did so. The methods, too, please me not which I see parents in general employ towards their sons. I have determined to give some latitude to my son, that he may have some scope for his inclinations. I think that’s right; but still, I don’t wish him to give way too much to sloth and wantonness. Now I’m going to Mnesilochus, to see whether, as I requested, by his endeavours he has turned him for me to virtue and to sobriety; as, indeed, I am sure he has done if he has met him, of such a disposition is he by nature. (Exit.)
ACT V.
Enter NICOBULUS, wringing his hands.
NICOBULUS
Whoever there are in any place whatsoever, whoever have been, and whoever shall be, in time to come, fools, blockheads, idiots, dolts, sots, oafs, lubbers, I singly by far exceed them all in folly and absurd ways. I’m undone. I’m ashamed of myself; that I at this time of life should disgracefully have been twice made a fool of! The more I think of this confusion which my son has made, the more am I incensed. I’m ruined, and I’m utterly destroyed; I’m distracted in every possible way. All plagues harass me, by all modes of death do I perish. This day has Chrysalus rent me in pieces; Chrysalus has plundered wretched me; he, the villain, by his clever tricks, has shaved, to the very quick, simple me, just as he has pleased. For the Captain says that she is a Courtezan, whom that fellow said was his wife; and he has informed me of everything, as each particular happened; how that she had been hired by him for this year; how that that much gold was left to be repaid,
which I, most simple man, had promised him. ’Tis this, this, I say, through which my breast boils with indignation; ’tis this, in fine, by which I am distracted; that I, at my time of life, should be made a fool of, aye, by Heaven, so made a very sport of, and with my hoary head and white beard, that wretched I should be bamboozled out of my gold. Undone am I, inasmuch as this slave of mine has dared in this way to set not the value of a nutshell upon me. And I — if any other way I had lost a greater sum — I should have taken it less amiss, and have deemed it less of a loss to me. Enter PHILOXENUS.
PHILOXENUS
as he enters . For sure, some person, I know not who, seems to be talking near to me. But who’s this I see? Really, ’tis the father of Mnesilochus.
NICOBULUS
Hah! I see a partner in affliction. Save you, Philoxenus!
PHILOXENUS
And you; whence are you betaking yourself?
NICOBULUS
From a place whence comes a wretched and a luckless mortal.
PHILOXENUS
Why, troth, I’m surely on the earth, the spot where it befits a wretched and a luckless mortal to be.
NICOBULUS
We now, as we are of like age, are meeting with similar fortunes.
PHILOXENUS
So it is. But as to yourself, what’s the matter with you?
NICOBULUS
I’ faith, mine’s the same mishap as your own.
PHILOXENUS
Does this misfortune in any way relate to your son?
NICOBULUS
Such is the fact.
PHILOXENUS
The same disease exists in my own breast.
NICOBULUS
Aye, and that very worthy fellow, Chrysalus, has been ruining my son, myself, and all my fortunes.
PHILOXENUS
Pray now, what is this mishap of yours about your son?
NICOBULUS
You shall know: together with your own son he’s undone; both of them are keeping mistresses alike.
PHILOXENUS
How do you know?
NICOBULUS
I have seen them.
PHILOXENUS
Ah! wretch that I am! I’m ruined outright.
NICOBULUS
Why do we hesitate a moment to knock and to call them both hither out of doors.