Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  ACT I.

  Enter OLYMPIO, CHALINUS following him.

  OLYMPIO

  Isn’t it to be allowed me for myself to speak and think about my own affairs by myself, just as I choose, without you as an overlooker? Why the plague are you following me about?

  CHALINUS

  Because I’m resolved, just like your shadow, wherever you go, to follow you about. Why troth, even if you are ready to go to the cross, I’m determined to follow you. Hence judge of the sequel, whether you can or not, by your artifices, slily deprive me of Casina for a wife, just as you are attempting.

  OLYMPIO

  What business have you with me?

  CHALINUS

  What say you, impudence? Why are you creeping about in the city, you bailiff, so very valuable in this place?

  OLYMPIO

  Because I choose.

  CHALINUS

  But why ain’t you in the country, at your post of command? Why don’t you rather pay attention to the business that has been entrusted to you, and keep yourself from meddling in city matters? Have you come hither to deprive me of my betrothed? Be off to the country — be off to your place of command, and be hanged to you.

  OLYMPIO

  Chalinus, I have not forgotten my duty. I’ve given charge to one who will still take care that all’s right in the country. When I’ve got that for which I came hither to the city, to take her as my wife whom you are dying for — the fair and charming Casina, your fellow-servant — when I’ve carried her off with myself into the country as my wife, I’ll then stick fast in the country, at my post of command.

  CHALINUS

  What, you marry her? By my faith, ‘twere better I should die by a halter, than that you should be the winner of her.

  OLYMPIO

  She’s my prize; do you put yourself in a halter at once.

  CHALINUS

  Fellow, dug up from your own dunghill, is she to be your prize?

  OLYMPIO

  You’ll find that such is the fact. Woe be unto you! in what a many ways, if I only live, I’ll have you tormented at my wedding!

  CHALINUS

  What will you do to me?

  OLYMPIO

  What will I do to you? In the first place of all, you shall hold the lighted torch for this new-made bride of nine; that always, in future, you may be worthless, and not esteemed. Then next after that, when you get to the country-house, a single pitcher shall be found you, and a single path, a single spring, a single brass cauldron, and eight casks; and unless these shall be always kept filled, I’ll load you with lashes. I’ll make you so thoroughly bent with carrying water, that a horse’s crupper might be manufactured out of you. And then, in future, unless in the country you either feed on pulse, or, like a worm, upon the soil, should you require to taste of any better food, never, upon my faith, is hunger as full of hungriness as I’ll make you to be in the country. After that, when you’re tired out, and starved with famine, care shall be taken that, at night, you go to bed as you deserve.

  CHALINUS

  What will you do?

  OLYMPIO

  You shall be shut up fast in a nook with bars, where you can listen while I’m caressing her, while she is saying to me, “My soul, my own Olympio, my life, my sweet, my delight, do let me kiss your dear eyes, my love! do, there’s a dear, let yourself be loved! my own day of happiness, my sparrow-chick, my own dove, my leveret!” When these expressions shall be being uttered to me, then will you, you villain, be wriggling about like a mouse in the middle of the wall. Now, that you mayn’t be trying to give me an answer, I’ll off in-doors; I’m tired of your talk. Goes into the house of STALINO.

  CHALINUS

  I’ll follow you. Here, indeed, on my word, assuredly you shall do nothing without me for an overlooker. Follows him into the house.

  ACT II.

  Enter CLEOSTRATA and PARDALISCA, from the house of STALINO.

  CLEOSTRATA

  at the door, to the SERVANTS, within . Seal fast the store-rooms, bring back the signet to me. I’m going here to my next door neighbour; if my husband wants me for anything, take care and send for me thence.

  PARDALISCA

  The old gentleman ordered a breakfast to be got ready for him to-day.

  CLEOSTRATA

  Tut! Hold your tongue, and be off. PARDALISCA goes into the house. I don’t prepare it, and it shan’t be cooked; since he sets himself against myself and his son, for the sake of his passion and his appetite. A disgraceful fellow that! I’ll punish this lover with hunger, I’ll punish him with thirst, with abuse, with hardships. By my faith, I’ll thoroughly worry him with disagreable speeches; I’ll make him to pass a life in future just as he deserves — fit food for Acheron, a hunter after iniquity, a stable of infamy! Now I’ll away hence to my neighbours, to lament my lot. But the door makes a noise; and see, she’s coming out of doors herself. On my word, I’ve not started for my call at a convenient time.

  Enter MYRRHINA, from the house of ALCESIMUS.

  MYRRHINA

  to her SERVANTS, at the door . Follow me, my attendants, here next door. You there! Does any one hear this that I say? I shall be here, if my husband or any person shall seek me. Did I order my distaff to be taken there? For when I’m at home alone, drowsiness takes effect upon my hand.

  CLEOSTRATA

  Myrrhina, good morrow.

  MYRRHINA

  Good morrow, my dear Cleostrata. But, prithee, why are you sad?

  CLEOSTRATA

  So all are wont to be who are unfortunately married; at home and abroad, there’s always enough to make them sad. But I was going to your house.

  MYRRHINA

  And, troth, I was coming here to yours. But what is it that now distresses your mind? For the thing that distresses you, that same is a trouble to me.

  CLEOSTRATA

  On my word, I do believe you. For with good reason no female neighbour of mine do I love better than yourself, nor any one with whom I have more ties of intimacy, to afford me pleasure.

  MYRRHINA

  I thank you kindly, and I long to know what this is.

  CLEOSTRATA

  My husband has put slights upon me in a most unworthy manner.

  MYRRHINA

  Hah! What is it? Prithee, repeat that same again; for, on my word, I don’t in my mind sufficiently comprehend your complaints.

  CLEOSTRATA

  My husband has put slights upon me in a most unworthy manner, and I have not the advantage of enjoying my own rights.

  MYRRHINA

  ’Tis surprising, if you say the truth; for husbands can scarce obtain from their wives what’s their own right.

  CLEOSTRATA

  Why, against my will, he demands a female servant of me, who belongs to myself, and was brought up at my own expense, for him to give to his bailiff. But he is in love with her himself.

  MYRRHINA

  Pray, do hold your tongue.

  CLEOSTRATA

  looking round . But here we may speak at present; we are alone ——

  MYRRHINA

  It is so. But whence did you get her? For a good wife ought to have no property unknown to her husband; and she who has got any, it is not to her credit, for she must either have purloined it from her husband, or obtained it by unfaithfulness. Whatever is your own, all that I take to be your husband’s.

  CLEOSTRATA

  Surely, you’re saying all this out of opposition to your friend.

  MYRRHINA

  Do hold your tongue, will you, simpleton, and attend to me. Do you forbear to oppose him, will you. Let him love on; that which he chooses let him do, so long as nothing’s denied you at home.

  CLEOSTRATA

  Are you quite in your senses? For really, you are saying these things against your own interest.

  MYRRHINA

  Silly creature, do you always take care and be on guard against this expression from your husband ——

  CLEOSTRATA

  What expression?


  MYRRHINA

  “Woman! out of doors with you!”

  CLEOSTRATA

  in a low voice . ‘St! be quiet.

  MYRRHINA

  What’s the matter?

  CLEOSTRATA

  Hush! Looks in a particular direction.

  MYRRHINA

  Who is it that you see?

  CLEOSTRATA

  Why look, my husband’s coming; go you in-doors. Make all haste; be off, there’s a dear.

  MYRRHINA

  You easily prevail; I’m off.

  CLEOSTRATA

  At a future time, when you and I shall have more leisure, then I’ll talk to you. For the present, adieu!

  MYRRHINA

  Adieu! Goes into her house. CLEOSTRATA stands aside.

  Enter STALINO.

  STALINO

  to himself . I do believe that love excels all things and delights that are exquisite. It is not possible for anything to be mentioned, that has more relish and more that’s delicious in it. Really, I do much wonder at the cooks, who employ sauces so many, that they don’t employ this one seasoning, which excels them all. For where love shall be the seasoning, that I do believe will please every one; nor can there be anything relishing or sweet, where love is not mixed with it. The gall which is bitter, that same it will make into honey; a man from morose into one cheerful and pleasant. This conjecture do I form rather from myself at home than from anything I’ve heard; who, since I’ve been in love with Casina, more than in my young days have excelled Neatness herself in neatness; I give employment to all the perfumers; wherever an unguent is excellent, I perfume myself, that I may please her. And I do please her, as I think. But inasmuch as she keeps living on, my wife’s a torment. Catches sight of his WIFE, and speaks in a low voice. I espy her standing there in gloominess. This plaguy baggage must be addressed by me with civility. Going towards her. My own wife and my delight, what are you about? Takes hold of her.

  CLEOSTRATA

  shaking him of . Get you gone, and keep your hand off!

  STALINO

  O fie! my Juno. You shouldn’t be so cross to your own Jupiter. Where art come now?

  CLEOSTRATA

  Let me alone. Moves as if going.

  STALINO

  Do stay.

  CLEOSTRATA

  still going . I shan’t stay.

  STALINO

  I’ troth, then I’ll follow you. Follows her.

  CLEOSTRATA

  turning round . Prithee, are you in your senses?

  STALINO

  In my senses, inasmuch as I love you.

  CLEOSTRATA

  I don’t want you to love me.

  STALINO

  You can’t have your way there.

  CLEOSTRATA

  You plague me to death.

  STALINO

  I only wish you spoke the truth.

  CLEOSTRATA

  There I believe you. Moves on.

  STALINO

  Do look back, O my sweet one.

  CLEOSTRATA

  About as much, I suppose, as you are to me. Whence is this strong smell of perfumes, prithee?

  STALINO

  aside . O dear, I’m undone; to my misfortune, I’m caught in the fact. Why delay to rub it off my head with my cloak? Rubs his head with his cloak. May good Mercury confound you, you perfumer, who provided me with this.

  CLEOSTRATA

  How now, you worthless grey gnat! I can hardly restrain myself from saying what you deserve. In your old age, good-for-nothing, are you walking along the streets reeking with perfumes?

  STALINO

  I’ faith, I lent my company to a certain friend of mine, while he was purchasing some perfumes.

  CLEOSTRATA

  How readily he did trump that up. Are you ashamed of anything?

  STALINO

  Of everything that you like.

  CLEOSTRATA

  In what dens of iniquity have you been lying?

  STALINO

  with an air of surprise . I, in dens of iniquity?

  CLEOSTRATA

  I know more than you think I do.

  STALINO

  What is it that you know?

  CLEOSTRATA

  That not one among all the old men is more worthless than yourself, an old man. Whence come you, good-for-nothing? Where have you been? In what den amusing yourself? Where have you been drinking? You are come, on my word; look at his cloak, how it’s creased. Points at it.

  STALINO

  May the Gods confound both me and yourself, if I this day have put a drop of wine into my mouth.

  CLEOSTRATA

  Very well then; just as you like: drink, eat, and squander away your property!

  STALINO

  Hold, wife; there’s now enough of it; you din me too much. Do leave a little of your talk, that you may wrangle with me to-morrow. But what say you? Have you by this time subdued your temper, so as to do that in preference which your husband wishes to be done, rather than strive against him?

  CLEOSTRATA

  About what matter are you speaking?

  STALINO

  Do you ask me? About the handmaid Casina — that she may be given in marriage to our bailiff, an honest servant, where she’ll be well off, in wood, warm water, food, and clothing, and where she may properly bring up the children which she may have, in preference to that rascally servant of an armour-bearer, a good-for-nothing and dishonest, a fellow that hasn’t this day a leaden dump of money his own.

  CLEOSTRATA

  Upon my faith, I am surprised that in your old age you do not remember your duty.

  STALINO

  How so?

  CLEOSTRATA

  Because if you were to act rightly or becomingly, you’d let me manage the maid-servants, which is my own province.

  STALINO

  Why the plague do you wish to give her to a fellow that carries a shield?

  CLEOSTRATA

  Because it’s our duty to gratify our only son.

  STALINO

  But although he is an only one, not a bit the more is he my only son than I am his only father. It’s more becoming for him to conform to me, than for me to him.

  CLEOSTRATA

  By my troth, sir, you’re providing for yourself a serious piece of trouble.

  STALINO

  aside . She suspects it, I find that. To his wife. What, I, do you mean?

  CLEOSTRATA

  You; but why do. you stammer so?> Why do you wish for this with such anxiety?

  STALINO

  Why, that she may rather be given to a servant that’s honest, than to a servant that’s dishonest.

  CLEOSTRATA

  What if I prevail upon, and obtain of the bailiff, that for my sake he’ll give her up to the other one?

  STALINO

  But what if I prevail upon the armour-bearer to give her up to the other one? And I think that I can prevail upon him in this.

  CLEOSTRATA

  That’s agreed upon. Should you like that, in your name, I should call Chalinus hither out of doors? Do you beg of him, and I’ll beg of the bailiff.

  STALINO

  I’m quite willing.

  CLEOSTRATA

  He’ll be here just now. Now we’ll make trial which of us two is the most persuasive. She goes into the house.

  STALINO

  to himself . May Hercules and the Gods confound her! — a thing that now I’m at liberty to say. I’m wretchedly distracted with love; but she, as though on purpose, thwarts me. My wife has some suspicion now of this that I’m planning; for that reason is she purposely lending her assistance to the armour-bearer.

  Enter CHALINUS, from the house.

  STALINO

  aside, on seeing him . May all the Gods and Goddesses confound him!

  CHALINUS

  addressing him . Your wife said that you were calling me.

  STALINO

  Why yes, I did order you to be sent for.

  CHALINUS

/>   Tell me what you want.

  STALINO

  In the first place, I want you to speak to me with a more cheerful countenance.

  CHALINUS

  It would be folly for me to be morose toward you whose rule is the strongest.

  STALINO

  Indeed! I consider you to be an honest fellow.

  CHALINUS

  So I find. But if you think so, why don’t you give me my freedom?

  STALINO

  Why so I wish to do; but it’s of no use for me to wish a thing to be done, unless you aid me with your actions.