by Plautus
PENICULUS
apart . This fellow pretends that he’s upbraiding his wife, but he’s addressing myself; for if he does dine out of doors, he really is punishing me, not his wife.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
to himself . Hurra! I’ troth, by my taunts I’ve driven my wife from the door at last. Where now are your intriguing husbands? Why do they hesitate, all returning thanks, to bring presents to me who have fought so gallantly? This mantle of my wife’s taking it from under his cloak I’ve just now stolen from in-doors, and I’m taking it to my mistress. This way it’s proper for a clever trick to be played this knowing husband-watcher. This is a becoming action, this is right, this is skilful, this is done in workman-like style; inasmuch as at my own risk I’ve taken this from my plague, this same shall be carried off to destruction. With the safety of my allies I’ve gained a booty from the foe.
PENICULUS
aloud, at a distance . Harkye! young man; pray what share have I in that booty?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I’m undone; I’ve fallen into an ambuscade.
PENICULUS
Say a safeguard rather. Don’t be afraid.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
What person’s this?
PENICULUS
’Tis I. Coming up to him.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
O my convenient friend — O my ready occasion, save you.
PENICULUS
And save you. they shake hands.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
What are you about?
PENICULUS
Holding my good Genius in my right hand.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
You couldn’t have come to me more à propos than you have come.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I’m in the habit of doing so; I understand all the points of ready occasion.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Would you like to be witness of a brilliant exploit?
PENICULUS
What cook has cooked it? I shall know at once if he has made any mistake, when I see the remnants..
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Tell me — did you ever see a picture painted on a wall, where the eagle is carrying off Ganymede, or Venus Adonis?
PENICULUS
Many a time. But what are these pictures to me?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Come, look at me. Do I at all bear any resemblance to them?
PENICULUS
What’s this garb of yours?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Pronounce me to be a very clever fellow.
PENICULUS
Where are we to feed?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Only do you say that which I requested you.
PENICULUS
Well, I do say so; very clever fellow.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
And don’t you venture to add anything of your own to it?
PENICULUS
— And very pleasant fellow.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Go on.
PENICULUS
I’ faith, I really can’t go on, unless I know for what reason. You’ve had a fall-out with your wife; on that ground am I the more strongly on my guards against you.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
While you are interrupting me, you are delaying yourself.
PENICULUS
Knock out my only eye, Menaechmus, if I speak one word but what you bid me.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
... where, unknown to my wife, we will erect the funeral pile ... and let us consume this day upon it.
PENICULUS
Well, come then, since you request what’s fair, how soon am I to set fire to the pile? Why really, the day’s half dead already down to its navel.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Come this way from the door.
PENICULUS
Be it so. Moves from the door.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Come still more this way.
PENICULUS
Very well. Moves.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus
Even still, step aside boldly from the lioness’s den.
PENICULUS
still moving . Well done; by my troth, as I fancy, you really would bean excellent charioteers.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Why so?
PENICULUS
That your wife mayn’t follow you, you are looking back ever and anon.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
But what say you?
PENICULUS
What, I? Why, whatever you choose, that same do I say, and that same do I deny.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Could you make any conjecture at all from the smell, if perchance you were to take a smell at something?
PENICULUS
Were the college of Augurs summoned ...
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
holds out the skirt of the mantle . Come then, take a sniff at this mantle that I’m holding. What does it smell of? Do you decline?
PENICULUS
It’s as well to smell the top of a woman’s garment; for at this other place the nose is offended with an odour that can’t be washed out.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
holding another part . Take a smell here then, Peniculus, as you are so daintily nice.
PENICULUS
Very well. He smells it.
MENAECHMUS
How now? What does it smell of? Answer me.
PENICULUS
Theft, a mistress, and a breakfast. To you ...
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
You have spoken out ... now it shall be taken to this mistress of mine, the Courtesan Erotium. I’ll order a breakfast at once to be got ready, for me, you, and her; then will we booze away even to the morrow’s morning star.
PENICULUS
Capital. You’ve spoken out distinctly. Am I to knock at the door then?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Knock — or hold, rather.
PENICULUS
You’ve removed the goblet a full mile by that.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Knock gently.
PENICULUS
You’re afraid, I think, that the doors are made of Samian crockery. Goes to knock.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Hold, prithee, hold, i’ faith; see, she’s coming out herself. The door of EROTIUM’S house is opened. Ha you behold the sun, is it not quite darkened in comparison with the bright rays of her person.
Enter EROTIUM, from her house.
EROTIUM
My life, Menaechmus, save you.
PENICULUS
And what for me?
EROTIUM
You are out of my number.
PENICULUS
... that same thing is wont to be done for the other supernumeraries of the legion.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I would order a skirmish to be got ready there at your house for me to-day.
EROTIUM
To-day it shall be done.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
In that skirmish we two shall drink. Him shall you choose that shall be found there the better warrior with the goblet; do you make up your mind with which of the two you’ll pass this night. How much, my love, when I look upon you, do I hate my wife.
EROTIUM
Meantime, however, you cannot help being wrapped in something of hers. What’s this? Takes hold of the mantle.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
taking it off . ’Tis a new dress for you, and a spoil from my wife, my rosebud.
EROTIUM
You have a ready way of prevailing, so as to be superior in my eyes to any one of those that pay me suit. Embraces him.
PENICULUS
aside . The harlot’s coaxing in the meantime, while she’s looking out what to plunder ... to EROTLUM for i
f you really loved him, by this his nose ought to have been off with your teething him..
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Take hold of this, Peniculus: I wish to dedicate the spoil that I’ve vowed.
PENICULUS
Give it me. Holds it while MENAECHMUS puts it on. But, i’ faith, prithee, do dance afterwards with the mantle on in this way.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I — dance? I’ faith, you’re not in your senses.
PENICULUS
Are you or I the most? If you won’t dance, then take it off.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
to EROTIUM . At a great risk have I stolen this to-day. In my opinion, indeed, Hercules didn’t ever carry off the belt from Hippolyta with danger as great. Take this for yourself he takes it off, and gives her the mantle , since you are the only one alive that’s compliant with my humours.
EROTIUM
With such feelings ’tis proper that real lovers should be animated.
PENICULUS
aside . Those, indeed, who are making haste to bring themselves down to beggary.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I purchased that for my wife a year since at the price of four minae.
PENICULUS
aside . The four minae are clearly gone for ever, as the account now stands.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Do you know what I wish you to attend to?
EROTIUM
I don’t know; but I’ll attend to whatever you do wish.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Order a breakfast, then, to be provided for us three at your house, and some dainties to be purchased at the market; kernels of boars’ neck, or bacon off the gammon, or pig’s head, or something in that way, which, when cooked and placed on table before me, may promote an appetite like a kite’s: and-forthwith ——
EROTIUM
I’ faith, I will.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
We’re going to the Forum: we shall be here just now. While it’s cooking, we’ll take a whet in the meantime.
EROTIUM
Come when you like, the things shall be ready.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Only make haste, then. Do you follow me to PENICULUS .
PENICULUS
By my troth, I certainly shall keep an eye on you, and follow you. I wouldn’t take the wealth of the Gods to lose you this day. (Exeunt MENAECHMUS and PENICULUS.)
EROTIUM
speaking at the door of her house . Call Cylindrus, the cook, out of doors this moment from within.
Enter CYLINDRUS, from the house.
EROTIUM
Take a hand-basket and some money. See, you have three didrachmns here. Giving him money. .
CYLINDRUS
I have so.
EROTIUM
Go and bring some provisions, see that there’s enough for three; let it be neither deficient nor overmuch.
CYLINDRUS
What sort of persons are these to be?
EROTIUM
Myself, Menaechmus, and his Parasite.
CYLINDRUS
Then these make ten, for the Parasite easily performs the duty of eight persons.
EROTIUM
I’ve now told you the guests; do you take care of the rest.
CYLINDRUS
Very well. It’s cooked already; bid them go and take their places.
EROTIUM
Make haste back.
CYLINDRUS
I’ll be here directly. (Exit CYLINDRUS, and EROTIUM goes into her house.)
ACT II.
Enter MENAECHMUS SOSICLES and MESSENIO.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
There’s no greater pleasure to voyagers, in my notion, Messenio, than at the moment when from sea they espy the land afar.
MESSENIO
There is a greater, I’ll say it without subterfuge, — if on your arrival you see the land that is your own. But, prithee, why are we now come to Epidamnus? Why, like the sea, are we going round all the islands?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
To seek for my own twin-brother born?
MESSENIO
Why, what end is there to be of searching for him? This is the sixth year that we’ve devoted our attention to this business. We have been already carried round the Istrians, the Hispanians, the Massilians, the Illyrians, all the Upper Adriatic Sea, and foreign Greece, and all the shores of Italy, wherever the sea reaches them. If you had been searching for a needle, I do believe you would, long ere this, have found the needle, if it were visible. Among the living are we seeking a person that’s dead; for long ago should we have found him if he had been alive.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
For that reason I am looking for a person to give me that information for certain, who can say that he knows that he really is dead; after that I shall never take any trouble in seeking further. But otherwise I shall never, while I’m alive, desist; I know how dear he is to my heart.
MESSENIO
You are seeking a knot in a bulrush. Why don’t we return homeward hence, unless we are to write a history?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Have done with your witty sayings, and be on your guard against a mischief. Don’t you be troublesome; this matter shan’t be done at your bidding.
MESSENIO
aside . Aye, aye; by that same expression do I rest assured that I’m a slave; he couldn’t in a few words have said more in a plain-spoken way. But still I can’t restrain myself from speaking. Aloud. Do you hear, Menaechmus? When I look in the purse, I find, i’ faith, we’re only equipped for our journey like summer travellers. By my troth, I guess, if you don’t be returning home, while you’re seeking your twin-brother, you’ll surely be groaning, when you have nothing left. For such is this race of people; among the men of Epidamnus there are debauchees and very great drinkers; swindlers besides, and many wheedlers are living in this city; then the women in the harlot line are said nowhere in the world to be more captivating. The name of Epidamnus was given to this city for the very reason, because hardly any person sojourns here without some damnable mishaps.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I’ll guard against that. Just give me the purse this way.
MESSENIO
What do you want with it?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I’m apprehensive then about yourself, from your expressions.
MESSENIO
Why are you apprehensive?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Lest you should cause me some damnable mishap in Epidamnus. You are a great admirer of the women, Messenio, and I’m a passionate man, of an unmanageable disposition; of both these things will I have a care, when I’ve got the money, that you shall not commit a fault, and that I shall not be in a passion with you.
MESSENIO
giving him the purse . Take and keep it; with all my heart you may do so.
Enter CYLINDRUS, with a basket of provisions.
CYLINDRUS
I’ve catered well, and to my mind. I’ll set a good breakfast before the breakfasters. But see, I perceive Menaechmus. Woe to my back; the guests are now already walking before the door, before I’ve returned with the provisions. I’ll go and accost him. Save you, Menaechmus.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
The Gods bless you, whoever you are. ...
CYLINDRUS
... who I am?
MESSENIO
I’ faith, not I, indeed.
CYLINDRUS
Where are the other guests?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
What guests are you enquiring about?
CYLINDRUS
Your Parasite.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
My Parasite? Surely this fellow’s deranged.
MESSENIO
Didn’t I tell you that there were many swindlers here?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
What Parasite of mine, young man, are you enquiring about?
CYLINDR
US
Peniculus.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
... Where is my ... ?
MESSENIO
See, I’ve got your sponge [Peniculus] all safe in the wallet.
CYLINDRUS
Menaechmus, you’ve come here too soon for breakfast; I’m but now returning with the provisions.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Answer me this, young man: at what price do pigs sell here, unblemished ones, for sacrifice?
CYLINDRUS
At a didrachm a-piece.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
holding out his hand . Receive, then, a didrachm of me; bid a sacrifice be made for you at my expense; for, by my faith, I really am sure in very truth that you are deranged, who are annoying me, a person that’s a stranger, whoever you are.
CYLINDRUS
I am Cylindrus; don’t you know my name?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Whether you are Cylindrus or Caliendrus, confound you. I don’t know you, and, in fact, I don’t want to know you.
CYLINDRUS
Well, your name, however, is Menaechmus, that I do know.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
You speak like a sane person when you call me by my name. But where have you known me?
CYLINDRUS
Where have I known you, you who have Erotium, this mistress of mine pointing to the house , for your lady?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
By my troth, I have not, nor do I know yourself what person you are.
CYLINDRUS
Not know who I am, who have many a time filled the cups for your own self at our house, when you’ve been drinking?
MESSENIO
Woe to me, that I’ve got nothing with which to break this fellow’s head.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Are you in the habit of filling the cups for me, who, before this day, have never beheld Epidamnus, nor been there?