by Plautus
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Tell her that I’ll attend both to this and anything else that she shall wish, if she wishes anything else attended to.
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
Do you know what this bracelet is?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
I don’t know, unless it’s of gold.
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
This is the same one that you once said that you had secretly stolen out of the closet from your wife.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
By my troth, ’twas never done.
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
Prithee, don’t you remember it?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Not in the least.
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
Give it me back then, if you don’t remember it. Tries to take it.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Stop. Pretends to examine the bracelet. O yes, I really do remember it; it’s the same, I believe, that I presented to her.
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
I’ faith, it is the same.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Where are the clasps which I gave her together with them?
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
You never gave her any.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Why, faith, I gave them together with this ...
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
Shall I say that you’ll attend to it?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Do say so; it shall be attended to. I’ll take care that the mantle and the bracelet are brought back together.
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
My dear Menaechmus, do, pray, give me some earrings, the pendants to be made two didrachms in weight; that I may look on you with delight when you come to our house.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Be it so. Give me the gold; I’ll find the price of the workmanship.
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
Give it yourself, please; at a future time I’ll give it you back.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
No, give it yourself; at a future time I’ll give it you twofold.
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
I haven’t any.
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
But when you have it, do you give it me, then.
MAID-SERVANT of Erotium.
Do you wish for aught?
MENAECHMUS SOSICLES
Say that I’ll attend to these things, aside to be sold as soon as they can, and for what they’ll fetch. The MAID-SERVANT goes into the house. Has she now gone off in-doors? She’s gone, and has shut the door. Surely all the Gods are favouring, amplifying, and prospering me. But why do I delay while opportunity and time are granted me to get away from these procurers’ dens? Make haste, Menaechmus; pull foot and quicken your pace. I’ll take off this chaplet, and throw it away on the left hand side throws the chaplet down , that, if they follow me, they may think I’ve gone in that direction. I’ll go and meet my servant, if I can, that he may learn from me these blessings which the Gods confer upon me.
ACT IV.
Enter, from her house, the WIFE of MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus, followed by PENICULUS.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
And shall I allow myself to remain in wedlock here, when my husband secretly pilfers whatever’s in the house, and carries it thence off to his mistress?
PENICULUS
Why don’t you hold your peace? I’ll let you now catch him in the fact; do you only follow me this way. They go to the opposite side of the stage. In a state of drunkenness, with a chaplet on, he was carrying the mantle to the embroiderer’s, which he purloined from you at home to-day. But see, here is the chaplet which he had on. Seeing the chaplet on the ground. Now am I saying false? Aha, this way has he gone, if you wish to trace his footsteps. And, by my faith, see, here he comes on his way back most opportunely, but he isn’t wearing the mantle.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
What now shall I do to him?
PENICULUS
The same as usual; abuse him.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
So I am resolved.
PENICULUS
Let’s step aside this way watch him from ambush. They retire on one side.
Enter MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
to himself . How we do practise a custom here that is very foolish and extremely troublesome, and how even those who are the most worthy and great do follow this habit: all wish their dependants to be many in number; whether they are deserving or undeserving, about that they don’t enquire. Their property is more enquired about, than what the reputation of their clients is for honor. If any person is poor and not dishonest, he is considered worthless; but if a rich man is dishonest, he is considered a good client. Those who neither regard laws nor any good or justice at all, the same have zealous patrons. What has been entrusted to them, they deny to have been so entrusted; men full of litigation, rapacious, and fraudulent; who have acquired their property either by usury or by perjury; their whole pleasure is in litigation. When the day for trial is appointed, at the same time it is mentioned to their patrons, in order that they may plead for them, about what they have done amiss. Before the people, or at law before the Praetor, or before the Aedile, is the cause tried. Just so, this day, a certain dependant has kept me very much engaged, nor was it allowed me to do what I wished, or in company with whom I wished; so fast did he stick to me, so much did he detain me. Before the Aedile, in behalf of his doings, very many and very disgraceful, did I plead his cause; a compromise I obtained, obscure and perplexed — more than enough I said, and than I needed to say, that surety for him might end this litigation. What did he do? Well, what? He gave bail. And never did I at any time see any person more clearly detected; three very adverse witnesses against all his misdeeds were there. May all the Gods confound him, he has so spoilt this day for me; and myself as well, who ever this day beheld the Forum with my eyes. I ordered a breakfast to be prepared; my mistress is expecting me, I’m sure; as soon as ever I had the opportunity, I made haste immediately to leave the Forum. Now, I suppose, she’s angry with me; the mantle, however, will appease her that I gave her, the one I took away to-day from my wife and carried to Erotium here.
PENICULUS
apart to the WIFE . What say you now?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
apart . That I’m unfortunately married to a worthless fellow.
PENICULUS
apart . Do you perfectly hear what he says?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
apart . Quite well.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
If I am wise, I shall be going hence in-doors, where it may be comfortable for me.
PENICULUS
coming forward Stop; on the contrary, it shall be uncomfortable.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
... she is very sorrowful; this doesn’t quite please me, but I’ll speak to her. Tell me, my wife, what is it amiss with you?
PENICULUS
to the WIFE . The pretty fellow’s soothing you.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Can’t you cease being annoying to me? Did I address you?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
turning away from MENAECHMUS . Take yourself off — away with your caresses from me. Do you persist in it?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Why are you offended with me?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
You ought to know.
PENICULUS
The rascal knows, but he pretends not to know.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Has any one of the servants done amiss? Do either the maid or the men-servants give you saucy answers? Speak out; it shan’t be done with impunity.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
You are trifling.
MENAECHMUS of Epidam
nus.
Surely you are angry at some one of the domestics?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
You are trifling.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Are you angry with me at all events?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Now you are not trifling.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I’ faith, I haven’t done wrong in anything.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Ah! now you are trifling again.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Wife, what’s the matter?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Do you ask me that?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Do you wish me to ask him? To PENICULUS. What’s the matter?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
The mantle.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
The mantle?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
A certain person has taken a mantle. MENAECHMUS starts.
PENICULUS
to MENAECHMUS . Why are you alarmed?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
For my part, I’m not alarmed at all — aside except about one thing; the mantle makes my face mantle.
PENICULUS
aside to MENAECHMUS . But as for me, you shouldn’t have slily devoured the breakfast. To the WIFE. Go on against your husband.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
making signs to PENICULUS . Won’t you hold your tongue?
PENICULUS
Faith, I really will not hold my tongue. To the WIFE. He’s nodding to me not to speak.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
On my word, I really never did nod to you, or wink in any way.
PENICULUS
Nothing is more audacious than this man, who resolutely denies those things which you see.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
By Jupiter and all the Gods, I swear, wife, that I did not nod to him; isn’t that enough for you?
PENICULUS
She now believes you about that matter; go back again there.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Go back where?
PENICULUS
Why, to the embroiderer, as I suppose. Go and bring the mantle back.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
What mantle is it?
PENICULUS
Now I hold my tongue, since he doesn’t remember his own business.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Did you suppose that you could possibly commit these villanies unknown to me? By heavens, you have assuredly taken that away from me at a heavy usury; such is the return. Shaking her fist.
PENICULUS
Such is the return. Do you make haste to eat up the breakfast in my absence; and then in your drunkenness make fun of me, with your chaplet on, before the house.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
By all the powers, I have neither breakfasted, nor have I this day set foot inside of that house.
PENICULUS
Do you deny it?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
By my troth, I really do deny it.
PENICULUS
Nothing is there more audacious than this fellow. Did I not just now see you standing here before the house, with a chaplet of flowers on, when you were declaring that my headpiece wasn’t sound, and declaring that you didn’t know me, and saying that you were a foreigner?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
On the contrary, as some time since I parted with you, so I’m now returning home at last.
PENICULUS
I understand you. You didn’t think it was in my power to take vengeance upon you; i’ faith, I’ve told it all to your wife.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Told her what?
PENICULUS
I don’t know; ask her own self.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
turning to his WIFE . What’s this, wife? Pray, what has he been telling you? What is it? Why are you silent? Why don’t you say what it is?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
As though you didn’t know. I’ faith, I certainly am a miserable woman.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Why are you a miserable woman? tell me.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Do you ask me?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Faith, I shouldn’t ask you if I knew.
PENICULUS
O the wicked fellow; how he does dissemble. You cannot conceal it; she knows the matter thoroughly; by my faith, I’ve disclosed everything.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
What is it?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Inasmuch as you are not at all ashamed, and don’t wish to confess of your own accord, listen, and attend to this; I’ll both let you know why I’m sorrowful, and what he has told me. My mantle has been purloined from me at home.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Mantle purloined from me?
PENICULUS
to the WIFE . D’you see how the rogue is catching you up? To MENAECHMUS. It was purloined from her, not from you; for certainly if it had been purloined from you, it would now be safe.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
to PENICULUS . I’ve nothing to do with you. But to his WIFE what is it you say?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
A mantle, I say, has been lost from home.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Who has stolen it?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I faith, he knows that, who took it away.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
What person was it?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
A certain Menaechmus.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
By my troth, ’twas villanously done. Who is this Menaechmus?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
You are he, I say.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
You.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Who accuses me?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I, myself.
PENICULUS
I, too; and you carried it off to Erotium here, your mistress.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I, gave it her?
PENICULUS
You, you, I say. Do you wish for an owl to be brought here, to say “you, you,” continually to you? For we are now quite tired of it.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
By Jupiter and all the Gods, I swear, wife (and isn’t that enough for you?), that I did not give it.
PENICULUS
Aye, and I, by all the powers, that we are telling no untruth.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
But I haven’t given it away, but just only lent it to be made use of.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
But, i’ faith, for my part, I don’t lend either your scarf or your cloak out of the house, to any one, to be made use of. ’Tis fair that the woman should lend out of the house the woman’s apparel, the man the man’s. But why don’t you bring the mantle home again?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
I’ll have it brought back.
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
For your own interest you’ll do so, as I think; for you shall never enter the house to-day unless you bring the mantle with you. I’m going home.
PENICULUS
to the WIFE . What’s there to be for me, who have given you this assistance?
THE WIFE OF MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Your assistance shall be repaid, when anything shall be purloined from your house. The WIFE goes into the house.
PENICULUS
Then, by my troth, that really will never b
e; for nothing have I at home to lose. May the Gods confound you, both husband and wife. I’ll make haste to the Forum, for I see clearly that I’ve quite fallen out with this family. (Exit.)
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
My wife thinks that she does me an injury when she shuts me out of doors; as though I hadn’t another better place to be admitted into. If I displease you, I must endure it; I shall please Erotium here, who won’t be shutting me out of her house, but will be shutting me up in her house rather. Now I’ll go; I’ll beg her to give me back the mantle that I gave her a while since. I’ll purchase another for her — a better one. Hallo! is any one the porter here? Knocks at EROTIUM’S door. Open here, and some one of you call Erotium before the door.
Enter EROTIUM, from her house.
EROTIUM
Who’s enquiring for me here?
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
One that’s more of an enemy to his own self than to yourself.
EROTIUM
My dear Menaechmus? Why are you standing before the house? Do follow me in-doors.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Stop. Do you know why it is that I’m come to you?
EROTIUM
I know well; that you may amuse yourself with me.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
Why no, troth, that mantle which I gave you a while since, give it me back, I entreat you; my wife has become acquainted with all the transaction, in its order, just as it happened. I’ll procure for you a mantle of twofold greater value than you shall wish.
EROTIUM
Why, I gave it your own self a little while since, that you might take it to the embroiderer’s, and that bracelet, too, that you might take it to the goldsmith’s that it might be made anew.
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
You, gave me the mantle and the bracelet? You’ll find ’twas never done. For, indeed, after I gave it you a while ago, and went away to the Forum, I’m but just returning, and now see you for the first time since.
EROTIUM
I see what plan you are upon; that you may defraud me of what I entrusted to you, at that thing you are aiming ——
MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.
On my word, I do not ask it for the sake of defrauding you. But I tell you that my wife has discovered the matter.
EROTIUM
Nor did I of my own accord beg you to give it me; of your own accord you yourself brought it me. You gave it me as a present; now you’re asking for the same thing back again. I’ll put up with it; keep it to yourself; take it away; make use of it, either yourself or your wife, or squeeze it into your money-box even. After this day, that you mayn’t be deceived, you shan’t set your foot in this house, since you hold me in contempt, who deserve so well of you. Unless you bring money, you’ll be disappointed; you can’t cajole me. Find some other woman, henceforth, for you to be disappointing.