Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  OLD MAN

  apart . Do you hear what he says ?

  DOCTOR.

  apart . He declares that he is wretched.

  OLD MAN

  apart . I wish you to accost him.

  DOCTOR.

  going up to him . Save you, Menaechmus. Prithee, why do you bare your arm? Don’t you know how much mischief you are now doing to that disease of yours?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  Why don’t you go hang yourself?

  OLD MAN

  What think you now?

  DOCTOR.

  What shouldn’t I think? This case can’t be treated with even ointment of hellebore. But what have you to say, Menaechmus?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  What do you want?

  DOCTOR.

  Tell me this that I ask of you; do you drink white wine or dark-coloured?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  What need have you to enquire?

  DOCTOR.

  ...

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  Why don’t you go to utter perdition ?

  OLD MAN

  Troth, he’s now beginning to be attacked with the fit.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  Why don’t you ask whether I’m wont to eat dark bread, or purple, or yellow? Or whether I’m wont to eat birds with scales, or fish with wings?

  OLD MAN

  Dear, dear! To the DOCTOR. Don’t you hear how deliriously he talks? Why do you delay to give him something by way of a potion, before his raving overtakes him?

  DOCTOR.

  Stop a little; I’ll question him on some other matters as well.

  OLD MAN

  You are killing me by your prating.

  DOCTOR.

  to MENAECHMUS . Tell me this; are your eyes ever in the habit of becoming hard?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  What? Do you take me to be a locust, you most worthless fellow?

  DOCTOR.

  Tell me, now, do your bowels ever rumble that you know of?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  When I’m full, they don’t rumble at all; when I’m hungry, then they do rumble.

  DOCTOR.

  I’ faith, he really gave me that answer not like an insane person. Do you always sleep soundly until daylight? Do you easily go to sleep when in bed?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  I sleep throughout if ... I go to sleep if I have paid my money to him to whom I owe it.

  DOCTOR.

  ...

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  to the DOCTOR . May Jupiter and all the Divinities confound you, you questioner.

  DOCTOR.

  aside . Now this person begins to rave. To the OLD MAN. From those expressions do you take care of yourself.

  OLD MAN

  Why, he’s now really quite favourable in his language, in comparison with what he was a short time since; for, a little while ago, he was saying that his wife was a raving cur.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  What did I say?

  OLD MAN

  You were raving, I say.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  What, I?

  OLD MAN

  You there; who threatened as well to ride me down with your yoked steeds.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  ...

  OLD MAN

  I myself saw you do this; I myself accuse you of this.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  And I know that you stole the sacred crown of Jupiter; and that on that account you were confined in prison; and after you were let out, I know that you were beaten with rods in the bilboes; I know, too, that you murdered your father and sold your mother. Don’t I give this abuse in answer for your abuse, like a sane person?

  OLD MAN

  I’ faith, Doctor, whatever you are about to do, prithee, do it quickly. Don’t you see that the man is raving?

  DOCTOR.

  Do you know what’s the best for you to do? Have him taken to my house.

  OLD MAN

  Do you think so?

  DOCTOR.

  Why should I not? There at my own discretion I shall be able to treat the man.

  OLD MAN

  Do just as you please.

  DOCTOR.

  to MENAECHMUS . I’ll make you drink hellebore some twenty days.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  But, hanging up, I’ll flog you with a whip for thirty days.

  DOCTOR.

  to the OLD MAN . Go fetch some men to take him off to my house.

  OLD MAN

  How many are sufficient?

  DOCTOR.

  Since I see him thus raving, four, no less.

  OLD MAN

  They shall be here this instant. Do you keep an eye on him, Doctor.

  DOCTOR.

  Why, no, I shall go home that the things may be got ready, which are necessary to be prepared. Bid your servants carry him to my house.

  OLD MAN

  I’ll make him be there just now.

  DOCTOR.

  I’m off.

  OLD MAN

  Farewell. (Exeunt OLD MAN and DOCTOR, separately.)

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  My father-in-law is gone, the Doctor is gone; I’m alone. O Jupiter! Why is it that these people say I’m mad? Why, in fact, since I was born, I have never for a single day been ill. I’m neither mad, nor do I commence strifes or quarrels. In health myself, I see others well; I know people, I address them. Is it that they who falsely say I’m mad, are mad themselves? What shall I do now? I wish to go home; but my wife doesn’t allow me; and here pointing to EROTIUM’S house no one admits me. Most unfortunately has this fallen out. Here will I still remain; at night, at least, I shall be let into the house, I trust. Stands near his door.

  Enter MESSENIO.

  MESSENIO

  to himself . This is the proof of a good servant, who takes care of his master’s business, looks after it, arranges it, thinks about it, in the absence of his master diligently to attend to the affairs of his master, as much so as if he himself were present, or even better. It is proper that his back should be of more consequence than his appetite, his legs than his stomach, whose heart is rightly placed. Let him bear in mind, those who are good for nothing, what reward is given them by their masters — lazy, worthless fellows. Stripes, fetters, the mill, weariness, hunger, sharp cold; these are the rewards of idleness. This evil do I terribly stand in awe of. Wherefore ’tis sure that to be good is better than to be bad. Much more readily do I submit to words, stripes I do detest; and I eat what is ground much more readily than supply it ground by myself. Therefore do I obey the command of my master, carefully and diligently do I observe it; and in such manner do I pay obedience, as I think is for the interest of my back. And that course does profit me. Let others be just as they take it to be their interest; I shall be just as I ought to be. If I adhere to that, I shall avoid faultiness; so that I am in readiness for my master on all occasions, I shall not be much afraid. The time is near, when, for these deeds of mine, my master will give his reward. After I had deposited the goods and the servants in the inn, as he ordered me, thus am I come to meet him. Going to the door of EROTIUM’S house. Now I’ll knock at the door, that he may know that I’m here, and that out of this thick wood of peril I may get my master safe out of doors. But I’m afraid that I’m come too late, after the battle has been fought.

  Enter the OLD MAN, with SERVANTS.

  OLD MAN

  to the SERVANTS . By Gods and men, I tell you prudently to pay regard to my commands, as to what I have commanded and do command. Take care that this person is carried at once upon your shoulders to the surgery, unless, indeed, you set no value upon your legs or your sides. Take care each of you to regard at a straw whatever threats he shall utter. What are you standing for? Why are you hesitating? By this you ought to have had him carried off on your shoulders. I’ll go to the Doctor; I’ll be th
ere ready when you shall come. (Exit. The SERVANTS gather around MENAECHMUS.)

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  I’m undone. What business is this? Why are these men running towards me, pray? What do you want? What do you seek? Why do you stand around me? They seize and drag him. Whither are you dragging me? Whither are you carrying me? I’m undone. I entreat your assistance, citizens, men of Epidamnus, come and help me. To the men. Why don’t you let me go?

  MESSENIO

  running towards them . O ye immortal Gods, I beseech you, what do I behold with my eyes? Some fellows, I know not who, are most disgracefully carrying off my master upon their shoulders.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  Who is it that ventures to bring me aid?

  MESSENIO

  I, master, and right boldly. Aloud. O shameful and scandalous deed, citizens of Epidamnus, for my master, here in a town enjoying peace, to be carried off, in daylight, in the street, who came to you a free man. Let him go.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  Prithee, whoever you are, do lend me your aid, and don’t suffer so great an outrage to be signally committed against me.

  MESSENIO

  Aye, I’ll give you my aid, and I’ll defend you, and zealously succour you. I’ll never let you come to harm; ’tis fitter that I myself should come to harm. I’ll now make a sowing on the faces of these fellows, and there I’ll plant my fists. I’ faith, you’re carrying this person off this day at your own extreme hazard. Let him go. He lays about him.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  fighting with them . I’ve got hold of this fellow’s eye.

  MESSENIO

  Make the socket of his eye be seen in his head. You rascals! you villains! you robbers!

  THE SERVANTS

  severally . We are undone. Troth, now, prithee, do ——

  MESSENIO

  Let him go then.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  What business have you to touch me? Thump them with your fists.

  MESSENIO

  Come, begone, fly hence to utter perdition with you. Three run away. Here’s for you, too giving the fourth one a punch ; because you are the last to yield, you shall have this for a reward. They all disappear. Right well have I marked his face, and quite to my liking. Troth, now, master, I really did come to your help just now in the nick of time.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  And may the Gods, young man, whoever you are, ever bless you. For, had it not been for you, I should never have survived this day until sunset.

  MESSENIO

  By my troth, then, master, if you do right, you will give me my freedom.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  I, give you your freedom?

  MESSENIO

  Doubtless: since, master, I have saved you.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  How’s this? Young man, you are mistaken.

  MESSENIO

  How, mistaken?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  By father Jove, I solemnly swear that I am not your master.

  MESSENIO

  Will you not hold your peace?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  I’m telling no lie; nor did any servant of mine ever do such a thing as you have done for me.

  MESSENIO

  In that case, then, let me go free, if you deny that I am your servant.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  By my faith, so far, indeed, as I’m concerned, be free, and go where you like.

  MESSENIO

  That is, you order me to do so?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  I’ faith, I do order you, if I have aught of authority over you.

  MESSENIO

  Save you, my patron. Since you seriously give me my freedom, I rejoice.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  I’ faith, I really do believe you.

  MESSENIO

  But, my patron, I do entreat you that you won’t command me any the less now than when I was your servant. With you will I dwell, and when you go I’ll go home together with you. Wait for me here; I’ll now go to the inn, and bring back the luggage and the money for you. The purse, with the money for our journey, is fast sealed up in the wallet; I’ll bring it just now here to you.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  Bring it carefully.

  MESSENIO

  I’ll give it back safe to you just as you gave it to me. Do you wait for me here. (Exit MESSENIO.)

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  Very wonderful things have really happened this day to me in wonderful ways. Some deny that I am he who I am, and shut me out of doors; others say that I am he who I am not, and will have it that they are my servants. He for instance, who said that he was going for the money, to whom I gave his freedom just now. Since he says that he will bring me a purse with money, if he does bring it, I’ll say that he may go free from me where he pleases, lest at a time when he shall have come to his senses he should ask the money of me. My father-in-law and the Doctor were saying that I am mad. Whatever it is, it is a wonderful affair. These things appear to me not at all otherwise than dreams. Now I’ll go in the house to this Courtesan, although she is angry with me; if I can prevail upon her to restore the mantle for me to take back home. He goes into EROTIUM’S house.

  Enter MENAECHMUS SOSICLES and MESSENIO.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  Do you dare affirm, audacious fellow, that I have ever met you this day since the time when I ordered you to come here to meet me?

  MESSENIO

  Why, I just now rescued you before this house, when four men were carrying you off upon their shoulders. You invoked the aid of all Gods and men, when I ran up and delivered you by main force, fighting, and in spite of them. For this reason, because I rescued you, you set me at liberty. When I said that I was going for the money and the luggage, you ran before to meet me as quickly as you could, in order that you might deny what you did.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  I, bade you go away a free man?

  MESSENIO

  Certainly.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  Why, on the contrary, ’tis most certain that I myself would rather become a slave than ever give you your freedom.

  Enter MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus, from EROTIUM’s house.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  at the door, to EROTIUM within . If you are ready to swear by your eyes, by my troth, not a bit the more for that reason, most vile woman, will you make it that I took away the mantle and the bracelet to-day.

  MESSENIO

  Immortal Gods, what do I see?

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  What do you see?

  MESSENIO

  Your resemblance in a mirror.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  What’s the matter?

  MESSENIO

  ’Tis your image; ’tis as like as possible.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  catching sight of the other . Troth, it really is not unlike, so far as I know my own form.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  to MESSENIO . O young man, save you, you who preserved me, whoever you are.

  MESSENIO

  By my troth, young man, prithee, tell me your name, unless it’s disagreable.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  I’ faith, you’ve not so deserved of me, that it should be disagreable for me to tell what you wish. My name is Menaechmus.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  Why, by my troth, so is mine.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  I am a Sicilian, of Syracuse.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  Troth, the same is my native country.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  What is it that I hear of you?

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  That which is the fact.

  MESSENIO

  To MENAECHMUS SOSICLES, by mistake . I know this person myself pointing to the other MENAECHMUS
; he is my master, I really am his servant; but I did think I belonged to this other. To MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus, by mistake. I took him to be you; to him, too, did I give some trouble. To his master. Pray, pardon me if I have said aught foolishly or unadvisedly to you.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  You seem to me to be mad. Don’t you remember that together with me you disembarked from board ship to-day?

  MESSENIO

  Why, really, you say what’s right — you are my master; to MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus do you look out for a servant. To his master. To you my greetings (to MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus) to you, farewell. This, I say, is Menaechmus.

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  But I say I am.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  What story’s this? Are you Menaechmus?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  I say that I’m the son of Moschus, who was my father.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  Are you the son of my father?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  Aye, I really am, young man, of my own father. I don’t want to claim your father, nor to take possession of him from you.

  MESSENIO

  Immortal Gods, what unhoped-for hope do you bestow on me, as I suspect. For unless my mind misleads me, these are the two twin-brothers; for they mention alike their native country and their father. I’ll call my master aside — Menaechmus.

  BOTH OF THE MENAECHMI.

  What do you want?

  MESSENIO

  I don’t want you both. But which of you was brought here in the ship with me?

  MENAECHMUS of Epidamnus.

  Not I.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  But ’twas I.

  MESSENIO

  You, then, I want. Step this way. They go aside.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  I’ve stepped aside now. What’s the matter?

  MESSENIO

  This man is either an impostor, or he is your twin-brother. But I never beheld one person more like another person. Neither water, believe me, is ever more like to water nor milk to milk, than he is to you, and you likewise to him; besides, he speaks of the same native country and father. ’Tis better for us to accost him and make further enquiries of him.

  MENAECHMUS SOSICLES

  I’ faith, but you’ve given me good advice, and I return you thanks. Troth, now, prithee, do continue to lend me your assistance. If you discover that this is my brother, be you a free man.