by Plautus
ACANTHIO
to himself . I’m trifling about it. The more I stop, the greater the risk that’s run.
CHARINUS
apart . He brings news of some misfortune, I know not what.
ACANTHIO
to himself . His knees are failing this runner. I’m undone, my spleen is in rebellion, it’s taking possession of my breast. I’m done up, I can’t draw my breath. A very worthless piper should I be. I’ faith, not all the baths will ever remove this lassitude from me. Am I to say that my master Charinus is at home or abroad?
CHARINUS
apart . I’m doubtful in my mind what the matter is; I’d like for myself to learn of him, that I may become acquainted with it.
ACANTHIO
to himself . But why still standing here? Why still hesitating to make splinters of this door? Knocks at the door of DEMIPHO’S house, and calls. Open the door, some one. Where’s my master, Charinus? Is he at home or abroad? Does any one think fit to come to the door?
CHARINUS
presenting himself . Why, here am I, whom you’re looking for, Acanthio.
ACANTHIO
not seeing him . There is nowhere a more lazy management than in his house.
CHARINUS
What matter is afflicting you so terribly?
ACANTHIO
turning round . Many, master, both yourself and me.
CHARINUS
What’s the matter?
ACANTHIO
We are undone.
CHARINUS
That beginning do you present unto our foes.
ACANTHIO
But your own self it has befallen, as fate would have it.
CHARINUS
Tell me this matter, whatever it is.
ACANTHIO
Quietly — I want to take a rest. He pants.
CHARINUS
But, i’ faith, do take the skirt of your coat, and wipe the sweat from off you.
ACANTHIO
For your sake, I’ve burst the veins of my lungs; I’m spitting blood already. He spits.
CHARINUS
Swallow Ægyptian resin with honey; you’ll make it all right.
ACANTHIO
Then, i’ faith, do you drink hot pitch; then your troubles will vanish.
CHARINUS
I know no one a more tetchy fellow than yourself.
ACANTHIO
And I know no one more abusive than yourself
CHARINUS
But what if I’m persuading you to that which I take to be for your benefit?
ACANTHIO
Away with benefit of that sort, that’s accompanied with pain.
CHARINUS
Tell me, is there any good at all that any one can enjoy entirely without evil; or where you mustn’t endure labour when you wish to enjoy it?
ACANTHIO
I don’t understand these things; I never learnt to philosophize, and don’t know how. I don’t want any good to be given me, to which evil is an accompaniment.
CHARINUS
extending his hand . Come now, Acanthio, give me your right hand.
ACANTHIO
It shall be given; there then, take it. Gives his hand.
CHARINUS
Do you intend yourself to be obedient to me, or don’t you intend it?
ACANTHIO
You may judge by experience, as I’ve ruptured myself with running for your sake, in order that what I knew, you might have the means of knowing directly.
CHARINUS
I’ll make you a free man within a few months.
ACANTHIO
You are smoothing me down.
CHARINUS
What, should I presume ever to make mention of an untrue thing to you? On the contrary, before I said so, you knew already whether I intend to utter an untruth.
ACANTHIO
Ah! your words, upon my faith, are increasing my weakness. You are worrying me to death!
CHARINUS
What, is this the way you’re obedient to me?
ACANTHIO
What do you want me to do?
CHARINUS
What, you? What I want is this ——
ACANTHIO
What is it then that you do want?
CHARINUS
I’ll tell you.
ACANTHIO
Tell me, then.
CHARINUS
But still, I’d like to do it in a quiet way.
ACANTHIO
Are you afraid lest you should wake the drowsy Spectators from their nap?
CHARINUS
Woe be to you!
ACANTHIO
For my part, that same am I bringing to you from the harbour.
CHARINUS
What are you bringing? Tell me.
ACANTHIO
Violence, alarm, torture, care, strife, and beggary.
CHARINUS
I’m undone! You really are bringing me hither a store of evils. I’m ruined outright.
ACANTHIO
Why, yes, you are ——
CHARINUS
I know it already; you’ll be saying I’m wretched.
ACANTHIO
’Tis you have said so; I’m mum.
CHARINUS
What mishap is this?
ACANTHIO
Don’t enquire. It is a very great calamity.
CHARINUS
Prithee, do relieve me at once. Too long a time have I been in suspense.
ACANTHIO
Softly; I still wish to make many enquiries before I’m beaten.
CHARINUS
By my troth, you assuredly will be beaten, unless you say at once, or get away from here.
ACANTHIO
Do look at that, please, how he does coax me; there’s no one more flattering when he sets about it.
CHARINUS
By heavens, I do entreat and beseech you to disclose to me at once what it is; inasmuch as I see that I must be the suppliant of my own servant.
ACANTHIO
And do I seem so unworthy of it?
CHARINUS
Oh no, quite worthy.
ACANTHIO
Well, so I thought.
CHARINUS
Prithee, is the ship lost?
ACANTHIO
The ship’s all right; don’t fear about that.
CHARINUS
Well then, the rest of the cargo?
ACANTHIO
That’s right and tight.
CHARINUS
Why then don’t you tell me what it is, for which, just now, running through the city, you were seeking me?
ACANTHIO
Really, you are taking the words out of my mouth.
CHARINUS
I’ll hold my tongue.
ACANTHIO
Do hold your tongue. I doubt, if I brought you any good news, you’d be dreadfully pressing, who are now insisting upon my speaking out, when you must hear bad news.
CHARINUS
Troth then, prithee do you let me know what this misfortune is.
ACANTHIO
Since you beg of me, I’ll tell you. Your father ——
CHARINUS
My father did what?
ACANTHIO
Your mistress ——
CHARINUS
What about her?
ACANTHIO
He has seen her.
CHARINUS
Seen her? Ah wretch that I am! What I ask you, answer me.
ACANTHIO
Nay, but do you ask me, if you want anything.
CHARINUS
How could he see her?
ACANTHIO
With his eyes.
CHARINUS
In what way?
ACANTHIO
Wide open.
CHARINUS
Away hence and be hanged. You are trifling, when my life’s at stake.
ACANTHIO
How the plague am I trifling, if I answer you what you ask me?
CHARINUS
Did he see her for cer
tain?
ACANTHIO
Aye, troth, as certainly as I see you and you see me.
CHARINUS
Where did he see her?
ACANTHIO
Down on board the ship, as he stood near the prow and chatted with her.
CHARINUS
Father, you have undone me. Come now, you, come now, you sir? Why, you whip-rascal, didn’t you take care that he mightn’t see her? Why, villain, didn’t you stow her away, that my father mightn’t perceive her?
ACANTHIO
Because we were busily employed about our business; we were engaged in packing up and arranging the cargo. While these things were being done, your father was brought alongside in a very small boat; and not an individual beheld the man until he was aboard the ship.
CHARINUS
In vain have I escaped the sea with its dreadful tempests! Just now I really did suppose that I was both ashore and in a place of safety; but I see that by the raging waves I am being hurried towards the rocks. Say on; what took place?
ACANTHIO
After he espied the woman, he began to ask her to whom she belonged.
CHARINUS
What did she answer?
ACANTHIO
That instant I ran up and interposed, saying that you had bought her as a maid-servant for your mother.
CHARINUS
Did he seem to believe you in that?
ACANTHIO
Do you e’en ask me that? Why the rogue began to take liberties with her.
CHARINUS
Prithee, what, with her?
ACANTHIO
‘Twere a wonder if he had taken liberties with myself.
CHARINUS
By heavens, my heart is saddened, which, drop by drop is melting away, just as though you were to put salt in water. I’m undone.
ACANTHIO
Aye, aye, that one expression have you most truly uttered.
CHARINUS
This is mere folly. What shall I do? I do think. my father won’t believe me if I say that I bought her for my mother; and then, besides, it seems to me a shame that I should tell a lie to my parent. He’ll neither believe, nor indeed is it credible, that I bought this woman of surpassing beauty as a maid-servant for my mother.
ACANTHIO
Won’t you be quiet, you most silly man? Troth, he will believe it, for he just now believed me.
CHARINUS
I’m dreadfully afraid that a suspicion will reach my father how the matter really stands. Prithee, answer me this that I ask you.
ACANTHIO
What do you ask?
CHARINUS
Did he seem to suspect that she was my mistress?
ACANTHIO
He did not seem. On the contrary, in everything, just as I said it, he believed me.
CHARINUS
As being true-as he seemed to yourself at least.
ACANTHIO
Not so; but he really did believe me.
CHARINUS
Ah! wretched man that I am! I’m ruined! But why do I kill myself here with repining, and don’t be off to the ship? Follow me. Hastening along.
ACANTHIO
If you go that way, you’ll conveniently come slap upon your father. As soon as he shall see you, dismayed and out of spirits, at once he’ll be stopping you, and enquiring where you bought her, and for how much you bought her; he’ll be trying you in your dismay.
CHARINUS
turning about . I’ll go this way in preference. Do you think that by this my father has left the harbour?
ACANTHIO
Why, it was for that reason I ran before him hither, that he mightn’t come upon you unawares and fish it out of you.
CHARINUS
Very properly done. (Exeunt.)
ACT II.
Enter DEMIPHO.
DEMIPHO
to himself . In wondrous ways do the Gods make sport of men, and in wondrous fashions do they send dreams in sleep. As, for instance, I, this very last night that has passed, have sufficiently experienced in my sleep, and, mortal that I am, was much occupied therewith. I seemed to have purchased for myself a beautiful she-goat. That she might not offend that other she-goat which I had at home before, and that they mightn’t disagree if they were both in the same spot, after that I had purchased her, I seemed to entrust her to the charge of an ape. This ape, not very long afterwards, came to me, uttered imprecations against me, and assailed me with reproaches; he said that by her means and through the arrival of the she-goat he had suffered injury and loss in no slight degree; he said that the she-goat, which I had entrusted to him to keep, had gnawed away the marriage-portion of his wife. This seemed extremely wonderful to me, how that this single she-goat could possibly have gnawed away the marriage-portion of the wife of the ape. The ape, however, insisted that it was so, and, in short, gave me this answer, that if I didn’t make baste and remove her away from his own house, he would bring her home into my house to my wife. And, by my troth, I seemed very greatly to take an interest in her, but not to have any one to whom to entrust this she-goat; wherefore the more, in my distress, was I tormented with anxiety what to do. Meanwhile, a kid appeared to address me, and began to tell me that he had carried off the she-goat from the ape, and began to laugh at me. But I began to lament and complain that she was carried off. To what reality I am to suppose that this vision points, I can’t discover; except that I suspect that I have just now discovered this she-goat, what she is, or what it all means. This morning, at daybreak, I went away hence down to the harbour. After I had transacted there what I wanted, suddenly I espied the ship from Rhodes, in which my son arrived here yesterday. I had an inclination, I know not why, to visit it; I went on board a boat, and put off to the ship; and there I beheld a woman of surpassing beauty, whom my son has brought as a maid-servant for his mother. After I had thus beheld her, I fell in love with her, not as men in their senses, but after the fashion in which madmen are wont. I’ faith, in former times, in my youthful days, I fell in love, ’tis true; but after this fashion, according as I’m now distracted, never. Now beyond a doubt, surely thus this matter stands; this is that she-goat. But what that ape and that kid mean, I’m afraid. One thing, i’ faith, I really do know for certain, that I’m undone for love; to the AUDIENCE consider yourselves the other point, what a poor creature I am. But I’ll hold my tongue; lo! I see my neighbour; he’s coming out of doors. Stands aside.
Enter LYSIMACHUS and a SERVANT with some rakes, from the house of the former.
LYSIMACHUS
Really I will have this goat mutilated, that’s giving us so much trouble at the farm.
DEMIPHO
apart . Neither this omen nor this augury pleases me; I’m afraid that my wife will be just now mutilating me like the he-goat, and be acting the part of this same ape.
LYSIMACHUS
Do you go hence to my country-house, and take care and deliver personally into his own hands those rakes to the bailiff Pistus himself. Take care and tell my wife that I have business in the city, so that she mayn’t expect me; for do you mention that I have three causes coming on for judgment to-day. Be off, and remember to say this.
SERV.
Anything more?
LYSIMACHUS
That’s enough. (Exit)
SERVANT.
DEMIPHO
Stepping forward . Greetings to you, Lysimachus.
LYSIMACHUS
Well met! and greetings to you, Demipho. How are you? How goes it?
DEMIPHO
As with one that’s most wretched.
LYSIMACHUS
May the Gods grant better things.
DEMIPHO
As for the Gods, it’s they that do this.
LYSIMACHUS
What’s the matter?
DEMIPHO
I’d tell you, if I saw that you had time or leisure.
LYSIMACHUS
Although I have business in hand, if you wish for anything, Demipho, I’m never too busy
to give attention to a friend.
DEMIPHO
You speak of your kindness to myself who have experienced it. How do I seem to you as to age?
LYSIMACHUS
A subject for Acheron — an antiquated, decrepit old fellow.
DEMIPHO
You see in a wrong light. I am a child, Lysimachus, of seven years old.
LYSIMACHUS
Are you in your senses, to say that you are a child?
DEMIPHO
I’m telling what’s true.
LYSIMACHUS
I’ faith, it has this moment come into my mind what you mean to say; directly a person is old, no longer has he sense or taste; people say that he has become a child again.
DEMIPHO
Why, no; for I’m twice as hearty as ever I was before.
LYSIMACHUS
I’ faith, it’s well that so it is, and I’m glad of it.
DEMIPHO
Aye, and if you did but know; with my eyes, too, I see even better now than I did formerly.
LYSIMACHUS
That’s good.
DEMIPHO
Of a thing that’s bad, I’m speaking.
LYSIMACHUS
Then that same is not good.
DEMIPHO
But, if I wished at all, could I venture to disclose something to you?
LYSIMACHUS
Boldly.
DEMIPHO
Give heed, then.
LYSIMACHUS
It shall be carefully done.
DEMIPHO
This day, Lysimachus, I’ve begun to go to school to learn my letters. I know three letters already.
LYSIMACHUS
How? Three letters?
DEMIPHO
spelling . A M O [I am in love].
LYSIMACHUS
What! you, in love, with your hoary head, you most shocking old fellow?
DEMIPHO
Whether that is hoary, or whether red, or whether black, I’m in love.
LYSIMACHUS
You’re now playing upon me in this, I fancy, Demipho.
DEMIPHO
Cut my throat, if it’s false, what I’m saying. That you may be sure I’m in love, take a knife, and do you cut off either my finger, or my ear, or my nose, or my lip: if I move me, or feel that I’m being cut, then, Lysimachus, I give you leave to torture me to death here with being in love.
LYSIMACHUS
aside to the AUDIENCE . If ever you’ve seen a lover in a picture, why, there he is pointing at DEMIPHO : for really, in my way of thinking, an antiquated, decrepit old man is just about the same as though he were a figure painted upon a wall.
DEMIPHO
Now, I suppose, you are thinking of censuring me.
LYSIMACHUS
What, I, censure you?
DEMIPHO