by Plautus
EUTYCHUS
Really, this Zacynthian is quite a Calchas.
CHARINUS
continuing . I get aboard ship, and start at once. I’m now at home; now I’ve returned from banishment. My friend, Eutychus turning towards him , greetings to you! How have you been? How are my parents? Are they well? Do you come to my mother, you say — you invite me kindly; you speak politely. At your house to-morrow; for the present at home. So it is proper; so it ought to be done.
EUTYCHUS
How now? What are you dreaming about? This man’s not in his senses.
CHARINUS
Why don’t you, as a friend, make haste to cure me then?
EUTYCHUS
Follow me, please.
CHARINUS
running close behind him . I’m following.
EUTYCHUS
turning round . Softly, pray; you are treading on my heels. Don’t you hear me?
CHARINUS
I’ve heard you for some time past.
EUTYCHUS
I want a reconciliation to be made between my father and mother; for now she’s in a passion ——
CHARINUS
pushing him . Only do go on. EUT. About that woman ——
CHARINUS
pushing him . Only do go on.
EUTYCHUS
Therefore take care ——
CHARINUS
pushing him . Nay, but do go on then; I’ll make her as mild as Juno is when she’s kind to Jupiter. They go into the house of LYSIMACHUS.
Enter DEMIPHO and LYSIMACHUS.
LYSIMACHUS
[Demipho, this saying of the wise, I think you have often heard, “Pleasure is the bait for misfortune;” because, by it, not less are men aught than are fishes with the hook Although aged people fly from it, still you don’t pay that regard to your old age: since it hasn’t even withdrawn love from you, but has forced you to it even more vehemently. Wherefore it utterly confounds yourself and your understanding and your mind, and dazzles your eyesight. Myself too have you brought into great trouble, and I know not what to do,
DEMIPHO
Lysimachus, this is the will of the Gods, not of men. If you reflect upon this with yourself, you will be of opinion that you are not doing right, in censuring so heavily a person your friend and the sharer of your secrets.] As though you yourself had never done anything like this action.
LYSIMACHUS
By heavens, never. I took care not to do anything: wretch that I am, I am scarcely alive; for my wife is lying all in a ferment about her.
DEMIPHO
But I’ll undertake to clear you, so that she mayn’t be angry.
LYSIMACHUS
Follow me — but I see my son coming out.
Enter EYTUCHUS, from the house of LYSIMACHUS.
EUTYCHUS
as he comes out, to CHARINUS, within . I’ll go to my father, that he may know my mother’s wrath is appeased. I’ll return just now.
LYSIMACHUS
to DEMIPHO . The beginning pleases me. Going up to EUTYCHUS. What are you about? How goes it, Eutychus?
EUTYCHUS
Extremely opportunely have you both met me.
LYSIMACHUS
What’s the matter?
EUTYCHUS
Your wife is peaceful and appeased. Give me your right hands this moment. Shakes hands with them both.
LYSIMACHUS
The Gods are favouring me.
EUTYCHUS
to DEMIPHO . I bring you word that you have got no mistress.
DEMIPHO
The Gods confound you. Why, prithee, what affair is this?
EUTYCHUS
I’ll tell you. Give your attention then, both of you.
LYSIMACHUS
Well then, we are giving you our attention, both of us.
EUTYCHUS
Those who are born of a good family, if they are of bad tendencies, by their own faultiness withdraw nobleness from their rank, and disgrace their disposition.
DEMIPHO
He says what’s true.
LYSIMACHUS
Then it’s to yourself he says it.
EUTYCHUS
For this reason is this the more true; for at this time of life, it wasn’t just for you to take away from your son, a young man, his mistress, purchased with his own money.
DEMIPHO
How say you? Is she the mistress of Charinus?
EUTYCHUS
aside . How the rogue does dissemble.
DEMIPHO
Why, he said that he had bought her as a maidservant for his mother.
EUTYCHUS
Was it for that reason, then, you bought her, you young lover, you old boy?
LYSIMACHUS
Very well said, i’ troth! Proceed, proceed. I’ll stand by him here on the other side. Let’s both load him well with such speeches as he’s worthy of.
DEMIPHO
aside . I’m done for. EUT. Who has done an injustice so great to his blameless son; whom, in fact, upon my faith, I brought back home just when he was setting out in self-banishment; for he was going into exile.
DEMIPHO
Has he gone then?
LYSIMACHUS
What, do you speak, you hobgoblin? At this time of life you ought to abstain from those pursuits.
DEMIPHO
I confess it; undoubtedly I’ve acted wrong.
EUTYCHUS
What, do you speak, you hobgoblin? You ought at this time of life to have done with these guilty practices. Just as the seasons of the year, so different lines of conduct befit different ages; but if this is proper, that old fellows should be wenching in their old age, where in the world is our common welfare?
DEMIPHO
Alas! wretch that I am! I’m undone.
EUTYCHUS
The young men are more in the habit of giving their attention to following those pursuits.
DEMIPHO
Troth, now, prithee, do take her to yourselves, with pigs and with basket.
EUTYCHUS
Restore her to your son; let him have her, now, as he wishes.
DEMIPHO
So far as I’m concerned, he may have her.
EUTYCHUS
High time, i’ faith, since you haven’t the power of doing otherwise.
DEMIPHO
For this injury let him take what satisfaction he likes; only do you make peace, I beg of you, that he mayn’t be angry with me. I’ faith, if I had known it, or if, indeed, he had told me in the slightest way of joke that he was in love with her, I should never have proceeded to take her away from him so in love. Enitychus, you are his companion, preserve and rescue me, I beg of you. Make this old fellow your client. You shall say that I’m mindful of a kindness.
LYSIMACHUS
Entreat him that he’ll pardon his offences and his youthful age.
DEMIPHO
Heyday now, are you still persisting in inveighing against me with your airs? I trust that a like opportunity will befall me as well for returning you a similar compliment.
LYSIMACHUS
I’ve long made an end of those pursuits.
DEMIPHO
And really so shall I from this time forward.
LYSIMACHUS
Not a bit of it. Through usage your inclinations will be leading you to it again.
DEMIPHO
Prithee, do now be satisfied. Rather, scourge me with thongs even, if you like.
LYSIMACHUS
You say right. But that your wife will do, when she comes to know of this.
DEMIPHO
There’s no need for her to come to know of it.
EUTYCHUS
What’s that? She shan’t come to know of it; don’t be afraid. Let’s go in-doors; this place isn’t a suitable one for your practices, for there to be persons to overhear who are passing through the street, while we are talking.
DEMIPHO
Why, faith, you say what’s right; that way the story will be shorter. Let’s be of
f
EUTYCHUS
Your son is in-doors here at our house.
DEMIPHO
It’s very good. We’ll pass that way through the garden home.
LYSIMACHUS
Eutychus, I want this affair to be settled before I set my foot again within doors.
EUTYCHUS
What is it?
LYSIMACHUS
Each person thinks about his own concerns. Answer me this: do you know for certain that your mother isn’t angry with me?
EUTYCHUS
I do know it.
LYSIMACHUS
Take care.
EUTYCHUS
Trust me for it. Are you satisfied?
LYSIMACHUS
I am. But still, troth now, prithee, do take care.
EUTYCHUS
Don’t you believe me?
LYSIMACHUS
Yes, I do believe you; but still I’m dreadfully afraid.
DEMIPHO
Let’s go in-doors.
EUTYCHUS
Aye, but I think we must pronounce. the law for the old men before we depart, on what terms they are to keep check upon themselves and to be continent. Whoever shall be sixty years of age, if we know of any one, whether husband or, i’ faith, whether bachelor, in fact, who goes a wenching, upon these terms shall we deal with him; we shall deem him a fool. And, i’ faith, so far as we’re concerned, he shall be in want who has squandered away his property. And let no one hereafter forbid his youthful son to be in love and to keep a mistress, so it be done in a decent manner. If he shall forbid him, let him, unknown to himself, suffer more loss than if he had openly permitted him. Let this law, then, from this night forward, be binding upon the old men. To the AUDIENCE. Young men, kindly fare you well; and if this law, enacted for the sake of the old ones, pleases you, it is right that you should give us loud applause.
MILES GLORIOSUS
Translated by Henry Thomas Riley
Miles Gloriosus (The Swaggering Soldier) is based on a lost Greek play called Alazon or The Braggart. The action takes place in Ephesus, a Greek city on the coast of Asia Minor, famous for its Temple of Artemis. The play commences with the entrance of Pyrgopolynices (the ‘Miles Gloriosus’ of the play’s title), posing in a heroic, but pompous manner. He is followed by his “parasite”, Artotrogus, who earns his meals by flattering the soldier excessively, and several minions that carry his enormous shield. Pyrgopolynices constantly boasts about his accomplishments and portrays himself as a fantastic military hero. In reality, his accomplishments are far smaller — hence the play’s title. After he leaves the stage we meet one of the main characters of the play, Palaestrio, who formerly served a young Athenian, Pleusicles. His former master had a lover named Philocomasium, who was kidnapped from Athens and taken by Pyrgopolynices. When Palaestrio tried to reach his master with this bad news, the slave was seized by pirates and given, by chance, to the same soldier. Both he and the girl have been living in the soldier’s house in Ephesus, but Palaestrio has sent a letter secretly to his former master telling him where they are. Now Pleusicles has come to Ephesus and is staying with Periplectomenus, who lives next door to the soldier, and the wise Palaestrio has cut a hole in the wall so the two lovers can see one another.
CONTENTS
THE SUBJECT
THE ACROSTIC ARGUMENT.
ACT I.
ACT II.
ACT III.
ACT IV.
ACT V.
THE SUBJECT
PLIEUSICLES, a young Athenian, is in love with Philocomasium, a Courtesan of Athens, who returns his affection. Being sent on public business to Naupactus, a certain Captain of Ephesus, Pyrgopolinices by name, comes to Athens, and insinuates himself into the good graces of her mother, in order that he may get Philocomasium into his power. Having deceived the mother, he places the daughter on board ship and carries her off to Ephesus. On this, Palaestrio, a faithful servant of Pleusicles, hastens to embark for Naupactus, with the view of telling his master what has happened. The ship being taken by pirates, he is made captive, and by chance is presented as a gift to Pyrgopolinices. He recognises the mistress of Pleusicles in the Captain’s house; but he carefully conceals from the Captain who he himself is. He then privately writes to Pleusicles, requesting him to come to Ephesus. On arriving, Pleusicles is hospitably entertained by Periplecomenus, a friend of his father, an old gentleman who lives next door to the Captain. As Philocomasium has a private room of her own in the Captain’s house, a hole is made through the partition wall, and by this contrivance she meets Pleusicles in the house of his entertainer, who gives his sanction to the plan.
At this juncture, the play begins. A servant of the Captain, named Sceledrus, has been appointed to be the keeper of Philocomnasium. Pursuing a monkey along the roof of the house, he looks down the skylight of the house next door, and there sees Pleusicles and Philocomasium conversing and toying with each other. When this has been discovered to be the case, a plan is arranged, by which Sceledrus shall not only not divulge to the Captain what he has seen, but shall even be made to believe that he has not actually seen it himself. Palaestrio, therefore, persuades him that the twin-sister of Philocomasium has arrived at Ephesus, and with her lover is staying at their neighbour’s house. To forward their designs, Palaestrio then invents another plan. He persuades the Captain to believe that the wife of his neighbour, Periplecomenus, is in love with him. Through his agency, a Courtesan, named Acroteleutium, pretends that she is the wife so desperately in love with the Captain. he believes this story, and, that he may the more conveniently receive her in his house, by the advice of Palaestrio, he sends Philocomasium away, and gives her into the charge of Pleusicles, who is disguised in the dress of a master of a ship. They go to the harbour and set sail, accompanied by Palaestrio, whom the Captain has given to Philocomasium at her request. The Captain, then, at the invitation of the maid of Acroteleutium, goes to the house next door, to visit her mistress. On this, Periplecomenus, with his servants, sallies forth upon him, and, having first threatened to cut him in pieces, and then having beaten and stripped him, they let him go, after they have exacted from him a confession that he has been rightly served, and a promise that he will molest no one in return for the treatment he has received.
THE ACROSTIC ARGUMENT.
[Supposed to have been written by Priscian, the Grammarian.]
A Captain carries off to Ephesus a Courtesan (Meretricem) from Athens. While his servant is intending to tell this (Id) to his master, her lover, who is an Ambassador (Legato) abroad, he himself is captured at sea, and (Et) is given as a present to the same Captain. The servant sends for his (Suum) master from Athens, and cleverly makes a hole in the party wall, common to the two (Geminis) houses, that it may be possible (Liceret) for the two lovers secretly to meet. Wandering about (Oberrans), her keeper sees them from the tiles, but he is played a trick (Ridiculis) upon, as though it were another person. Palaestrio, too, as well (Item) persuades the Captain to have his mistress dismissed (Omissam), since the wife of the old man (Senis), his neighbour, wishes to marry him. He begs that she will go away of her own accord (Ultro), and gives her many things. He, himself, caught in the house of the old man (Senis), receives punishment as an adulterer.
ACT I.
Enter PYRGOPOLINICES , ARTOTROGUS, and Soldiers.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Take ye care that the lustre of my shield is more bright than the rays of the sun are wont to be at the time when the sky is clear; that when occasion comes, the battle being joined, ‘mid the fierce ranks right opposite it may dazzle the eyesight of the enemy. But, I wish to console this sabre of mine, that it may not lament nor be downcast in spirits, because I have thus long been wearing it keeping holiday, which so longs right dreadfully to make havoc of the enemy. But where is Artotrogus?
ARTOTROGUS
Here he is; he stands close by the hero, valiant and successful, and of princely form. Mars could not dare to style himself a warrior so great, nor compar
e his prowess with yours.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Him you mean whom I spared on the Gorgonidonian plains, where Bumbomachides Clytomestoridysarchides, the grandson of Neptune, was the chief commander?
ARTOTROGUS
I remember him; him, I suppose, you mean with the golden armour, whose legions you puffed away with your breath just as the wind blows away leaves or the reed-thatched roof.
PYRGOPOLINICES
That, on my troth, was really nothing at all.
ARTOTROGUS
Faith, that really was nothing at all in comparison with other things I could mention — (aside) which you never did. If any person ever beheld a more perjured fellow than this, or one more full of vain boasting, faith let him have me for himself, I’ll resign myself for his slave; if ’tis not the fact that my one mess of olive pottage is eaten up by me right ravenously.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Where are you?
ARTOTROGUS
Lo! here am I. I’ troth in what a fashion it was you broke the fore-leg of even an elephant, in India, with your fist.
PYRGOPOLINICES
How? — the fore-leg?
ARTOTROGUS
I meant to say this — the thigh.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I struck the blow without an effort.
ARTOTROGUS
Troth, if, indeed, you had put forth your strength, your arm would have passed right through the hide, the entrails, and the frontispiece of the elephant.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I don’t care for these things just now.
ARTOTROGUS
I’ faith, ’tis really not worth the while for you to tell me of it, who know right well your prowess. (Aside) ’Tis my appetite creates all these plagues. I must hear him right out with my ears, that my teeth mayn’t have time to grow, and whatever lie he shall tell, to it I must agree.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What was it I was saying?
ARTOTROGUS
O, I know what you were going to say just now. I’ faith ’twas bravely done; I remember its being done.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What was that?
ARTOTROGUS
Whatever it was you were going to say.
PYBG.