Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  Have you got your tablets?

  ARTOTROGUS

  Are you intending to enlist? I have them, and a pen as well.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  How cleverly you do suit your mind to my own mind.

  ARTOTROGUS

  ’Tis fit that I should know your inclinations studiously, so that whatever you wish should first occur to me.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  What do you remember?

  ARTOTROGUS

  I do remember this. In Cilicia there were a hundred and fifty men, a hundred in Cryphiolathronia, thirty at Sardis, sixty men of Macedon, whom you slaughtered altogether in one day.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  What is the sum total of those men?

  ARTOTROGUS

  Seven thousand.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  It must be as much: you keep the reckoning well.

  ARTOTROGUS

  Yet I have none of them written down; still, so I remember it was.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  By my troth, you have a right good memory.

  ARTOTROGUS

  aside . ’Tis the flesh-pots give it a fillip.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  So long as you shall do such as you have done hitherto, you shall always have something to eat: I will always make you a partaker at my table.

  ARTOTROGUS

  Besides, in Cappadocia, you would have killed five hundred men altogether at one blow, had not your sabre been blunt.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  I let them live, because I was quite sick of fighting.

  ARTOTROGUS

  Why should I tell you what all mortals know, that you, Pyrgopolinices, live alone upon the earth, with valour, beauty, and achievements most unsurpassed? All the women are in love with you, and that not without reason, since you are so handsome. Witness those girls that pulled me by my mantle yesterday.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  What was it they said to you?

  ARTOTROGUS

  They questioned me about you. “Is Achilles here?” says one to me. “No,” says I, “his brother is.” Then says the other to me: “By my troth, but he is a handsome and a noble man. See how his long hair becomes him Certainly the women are lucky who share his favours.”

  PYBG.

  And pray, did they really say so?

  ARTOTROGUS

  They both entreated me to bring you past to-day by way of a sight to them.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  ’Tis really a very great plague to be too handsome a man.

  ARTOTROGUS

  They are quite a nuisance to me; they are praying, entreating, beseeching me, to let them see you; bidding me be fetched to them; so that I can’t give my attention to your business.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  It seems that it is time for us to go to the Forum, that I may count out their pay to those soldiers whom I have enlisted of late. For King Seleucus entreated me with most earnest suit that I would raise and enlist recruits for him. To that business have I resolved to devote my attention this day.

  ARTOTROGUS

  Come, let’s be going then.

  PYRGOPOLINICES

  Guards, follow me. (Exeunt.)

  ACT II.

  The prologue. Enter PALAESTRIO.

  PALAESTRIO

  To tell the subject of this our play, I have all willingness, if you will but have the kindness to listen to it. But he who does not wish to listen, let him arise and go out, that there may be room where he may sit who does wish to listen. Now I will disclose to you both the subject and the name of the play which we are just now about to act, and for the sake of which you are now seated in this mirthful place, “Alazon” is the name, in Greek, of this Comedy; the same we call in Latin. “the Braggart” (Gloriosus). This city is Ephesus; then, the Captain, my master, who has gone off hence to the Forum, a bragging, impudent, stinking fellow, brimful of lying and lasciviousness, says that all the women are following him of their own accord. Wherever he goes, he is the laughing.stock of all; and so, the Courtesans here — since they make wry mouths at him, you may see the greater part of them with lips all awry. I wish you now to know this, how I came to be his slave, from him to whom I was servant before; for ’tis not long that I lave been in slavery to him. Give your attention, for now I will begin the argument. A very worthy young man at Athens was my master. He was in love with a Courtesan, brought up at Athens, in Attica, and she on the other hand loved him; such affection is most worthy to be cherished. In the public service, he was sent to Naupactus as Ambassador on behalf of that mighty republic. In the mean time, by chance, this Captain came to Athens. He introduced himself to this lady of my master, began to cajole her mother with presents of wine, trinkets, and costly treats; and so the Captain made himself on intimate terms with the procuress. As soon as ever an opportunity was presented for this Captain, he tricked this procuress, the mother of the damsel, whom my master loved. For, unknown to her mother, he put the daughter on board ship, and carried this woman, against her will, hither to Ephesus. Soon as I knew that the lady of my master was carried off from Athens, as quickly as ever I was able, I procured for myself a ship: I embarked, that I might carry tidings of this matter to my master at Naupactum. When we had got out to sea, some pirates, as they had hoped to do, took that ship on board of which I was; thus I was undone before I reached my master, for whom I had commenced to proceed on my voyage. He that took me, gave me as a present to this same Captain. After he had taken me home to his own house, I saw there that favorite of my master who lived at Athens. When, on the other hand, she perceived me, she gave me a sign with her eyes not to address her by name. Afterwards, when there was an opportunity, the damsel complained to me of her hard fate. She said that she wished to escape to Athens from this house, that she was attached to him, that master of mine who lived at Athens, and that she had never hated any one more thoroughly than this same Captain. As I discovered the feelings of the damsel, I took tablets, sealed them in private, and gave them to a certain merchant to carry to him (my master, I mean, who was at Athens, and who had so loved her), in order that he might come hither. He did not slight the message, for he both is come, and is lodging here next door, with his host, a friend of his father’s, a nice old man. He, too, gives every assistance to his guest in his amour, and encourages and seconds us with his help and his advice. Therefore, here (pointing to the CAPTAIN’S house) , in-doors, I have found a grand contrivance, by which to cause these lovers, each, to meet the other. For one room, which the Captain gave to his mistress for no one but herself to set foot in, in that same room I have dug a hole through the party-wall, in order that there may secretly be an ingress for the damsel from the one house to the other. And this I have done with the knowledge of the old gentleman; ’twas he that gave the advice. But my fellow-servant, whom the Captain has given as a keeper to his mistress, is a person of no great worth. By clever contrivances and ingenious devices, we will throw dust in his eyes, and we will make him so as not to see what he really does see. And that you may not hereafter make mistakes, this damsel to-day, in this house and in that, will perform in turn a double part, and will be the same, but will pretend to be another, person. Thus will the keeper of the damsel be gulled. But there is a noise at the door here of the old gentleman, our neighbour. ’Tis himself coming out ’tis he, the nice old man that I was speaking of. (He retires to a distance.

  Enter PERIPLECOMENUS from his house.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  speaking to his servants within . Faith, if you don’t in future smash his ankle-bones for any stranger that you see on my tiles, I will cut you so with lashes as to make thongs of your sides. My neighbours, i’ faith, are overlookers of what is going on in my own house; so often are they peeping down through the skylight. And now, therefore, I give you all notice, whatever person of this Captain’s household you shall see upon our tiles, except Palaestrio only, push him headlong here into the street. Suppose he says that he is following some hen, or pigeon, or monk
ey; woe be to you, if you don’t badly maul the fellow even to death. And so, that they may commit no infringement against the laws of dice, do you take good care that they keep holiday at home without any ankle-bones at all.

  PALAESTRIO

  aside . Something amiss, — what, I know not, has been done him by our family so far as I can hear, inasmuch as the old man has ordered the ankles of my fellow-servants to be broken. But he has excepted me; nothing care I what he does to the rest of them. I’ll accost the old man. (Advances.)

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  The person that is coming this way, is he coming towards me? He comes as if he was coming to me.

  PALAESTRIO

  How do you do, Periplecomenus?

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  There are not many men, if I were to wish, whom I would rather now see and meet with than yourself.

  PALAESTRIO

  What’s the matter? What disturbance have you with our family?

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  We are done for.

  PALAESTRIO

  What’s the matter?

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  The thing’s discovered.

  PALAESTRIO

  What thing’s discovered?

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Some one just now of your household was looking in from the tiles through our skylight at Philocomasium and my guest as they were toying together.

  PALAESTRIO

  What person saw it?

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Your fellow-servant.

  PALAESTRIO

  Which person was it?

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I don’t know; he took himself off so suddenly — in an instant.

  PALAESTRIO

  I suspect I’m ruined.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  When he went away, I cried: “Hallo! you sir!” said I, “what are you doing upon the tiles?” As he went away he replied to me in these terms, that he was following a stray’d monkey.

  PALAESTRIO

  Woe to wretched me! that I must be ruined for a worthless beast. But is Philocomasium there with you even still?

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  When I came out, she was there.

  PALAESTRIO

  If she is, then bid her return to our house as soon as ever she can, that the servants may see that she is at home; unless, indeed, she wishes that we, who are slaves, her fellow- slaves, should all be given up together to tortures by the cross on account of her courting.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I bade her do so; unless you would aught else.

  PALAESTRIO

  I would. Tell her this: that, by my troth, she must not hesitate at all to bring in play her skill and cleverness.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  In what way?

  PALAESTRIO

  That by her words she may persuade him who saw her here at your house, that he did not see her. Should he accuse her, on the other hand let her convince him with her oath. Even though she were seen a hundred times over, still let her deny it. Aside. For, if she is at all inclined to ill, a woman never goes begging to the gardener for material, she has a garden at home and a stock of her own for all mischievous contrivances; at home she has impudence, a lying tongue, perfidiousness, malice, and boldness, self-conceit, assurance, and deceitfulness, — at home she has wiles, — at home captivating contrivances, — stratagems at home.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I’ll tell her this, if she shall be in-doors here pointing to his house . But what is it, Palaestrio, that you are considering with yourself in your mind?

  PALAESTRIO

  Be silent a moment, while I am calling a council in my mind, and while I am considering what I am to do, what plan I must contrive, on the other hand, as a match for my crafty fellow-servant, who has seen her billing here in your house; so that what was seen may not have been seen.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Do contrive one; in the meantime, I’ll retire hence to a distance from you, to this spot. He retires to a distance. Look at him, please to the AUDIENCE , revolving his cares with brow severe, how he stands. He strikes his breast with his fingers I fancy he’s about to call his heart outside. See, he shifts his posture; again he places his left hand upon his left thigh. His right hand is reckoning down his plans upon his fingers; in despair he strikes his thigh. His right hand is moving rapidly; with difficulty does it suggest what he is to do. He snapshis fingers now; he’s striving hard; full oft he changes his position. But see how he shakes his head; it pleases him not what he has hit upon. Whatever it is, nothing crude will he bring forth, something well-digested will he produce. But see, he is building; he has placed his hand as a pillar beneath his chin. Have done with it in truth, this mode of building pleases me not; for I have heard say that the head of a foreign Poet is wont to be supported thus, over whom two guards are ever at all hours keeping watch. Bravo! how becomingly he stands, — i’ faith, how like a very slave, and how faithful to his part. Never, this day,will he rest, before he has completed that which he is in search of. He has it, I suspect. Come — to the business you’re about: keep wide awake, think not of sleep; unless, indeed, you wish to be keeping your watch here all checquered o’er with stripes. ’Tis T, that am talking to you; schemer, don’t you know that I am speaking to you? Palaestrio! awake, say; arouse yourself, I say; ’tis daylight now, I say.

  PALAESTRIO

  I hear you.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Don’t you see that the enemy is upon you, and that siege is being laid to your back? Take counsel, then; obtain aid and assistance in this matter; the hastily, not the leisurely, is befitting here. Get the start of them in some way, and in some direction this moment lead around your troops. Close round the enemy in siege; prepare the convoy for our side. Cut off the enemy’s provision, secure yourself a passage, by which supplies and provision may be enabled in safety to reach yourself and your forces. Look to this business; the emergency is sudden. Invent — contrive — this instant give us some clever plan; so that that which has been seen here within, may not have been seen; that which has been done, may not have been done. There, my man, you undertake a great enterprise; lofty the defences which you erect. If you yourself alone but say you undertake this, I have a certainty that we are able to rout our foes.

  PALAESTRIO

  I do say so, and I do undertake it.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  And I do pronounce that you shall obtain that which you desire.

  PALAESTRIO

  May Jupiter kindly bless you then!

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  But, friend, do you impart to me the plan which you have devised.

  PALAESTRIO

  Be silent, then, while I am inducting you in the direction of my devices; that you may know as well as my own self my plans.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  The same you shall receive safe from the same spot where you have deposited them.

  PALAESTRIO

  My master is surrounded with the hide of an elephant, not his own, and has no more wisdom than a stone.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I myself know the same thing.

  PALAESTRIO

  Now, thus I would begin upon my plan; this contrivance I shall act upon. I shall say that her other own twin-sister has come here from Athens, with a certain person, her lover, to Philocomasium, as like to her as milk is to milk. I shall say that they are lodged and entertained here in your house.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Bravo! bravo! cleverly thought of. I approve or your device.

  PALAESTRIO

  So that, if my fellow-servant should accuse her before the Captain, and say that he has seen her here at your house, toying with another man, I shall assert, on the other hand, that my fellow-servant has seen the other one, the sister, at your house, fondling and toying with her own lover.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Aye, most excellent. I’ll say the same, if the Captain shall inquire of me.

  PALAESTRIO

  B
ut do you say that they are extremely alike; and this must be imparted in time to Philocomasium, in order that she may know; that she mayn’t be tripping if the Captain should question her.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  A very clever contrivance. But if the Captain should wish to see them both in company together, what shall we do then?

  PALAESTRIO

  That’s easy enough. Three hundred excuses may be picked up — she is not at home; she has gone out walking; she is asleep; she is dressing; she is bathing; she is at breakfast; she is taking dessert; she is engaged; she is enjoying her rest; in fact, she can’t come. There are as many of these put-offs as you like, if I can only persuade him at the very outset to believe that to be true which shall be contrived.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I like what you say.

  PALAESTRIO

  Go in-doors then; and if the damsel’s there, bid her return home directly, and instruct and tutor her thoroughly in this plan, that she may understand our scheme, as we have begun it, about the twin-sister.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I’ll have her right cleverly tutor’d for you. Is there anything else?

  PALAESTRIO

  Only, be off in-doors.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I’m off. (Exit.) PALAESTRIO alone.

  PALAESTRIO

  And I’ll go home, too; and I’ll conceal the fact that I am giving her my aid in seeking out the man, which fellow-servant of mine it was, that to-day was following the monkey. For it cannot be but in his conversation he must have made some one of the household acquainted about the lady of his master, how that he himself has seen her next door here toying with some stranger spark. I know the habit myself; “I can’t hold my tongue on that which I know alone.” If I find out the person who saw it, I’ll plant against him all> my mantelets and covered works. The material is prepared; ’tis a sure matter that I must take this person by force, and by thus besieging him. If so I don’t find the man, just like a hound I’ll go smelling about, even until I shall have traced out the fox by his track. But our door makes a noise: I’ll lower my voice; for here is the keeper of Philocomasium, my fellow-servant, coming out of doors. (Stands aside.)

  Enter SCLEDRUS from the CAPTAIN’s house.

  SCELEDRUS

  Unless, in fact, I have been walking this day in my sleep upon the tiles, i’ faith, I know for sure that I have seen here, at our neighbour’s next door, Philocomasium, the lady of my master, on the high road to mischief to herself.