by Plautus
SCELEDRUS
How now! What are you called, then?
PHILOCOMASIUM
My name is Glycera.
SCELEDRUS
For a bad purpose, Philocomasium, you wish to have a wrong name. Away with you, shocking woman; for most notably are you doing a wrong to my master.
PHILOCOMASIUM
I?
SCELEDRUS
Yes, you.
PHILOCOMASIUM
I, who arrived from Athens yesterday evening at Ephesus, with my lover, a young man of Athens?
SCELEDRUS
Tell me, what business have you here in Ephesus?
PHILOCOMASIUM
I had heard that my own twin-sister is here in Ephesus; I came here to look for her.
SCELEDRUS
You’re a good-for-nothing woman.
PHILOCOMASIUM
Yes, i’ faith, I am a very foolish one to be parleying with you fellows. I am going.
SCELEDRUS
I won’t let you go. Catches hold of her.
PHILOCOMASIUM
Let me go.
SCELEDRUS
You are discovered in the fact. I won’t let you go.
PHILOCOMASIUM
But my hands shall just now sound again against your cheek, if you don’t let me go.
SCELEDRUS
to PALAESTRIO . Why the plague are you standing idle? Why don’t you hold her on the other side?
PALAESTRIO
I don’t choose to bring the business down upon my back. How do I know but that this is not Philocomasium, but is some other female that resembles her?
PHILOCOMASIUM
Will you let me go, or will you not let me go?
SCELEDRUS
No; by force and against your will, in spite of you, I’ll drag you home, unless you’ll go of your own accord.
PHILOCOMASIUM
pointing to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS . This is my lodging here abroad, at Athens is my home.
SCELEDRUS
But your master lives here pointing to the CAPTAIN’S house .
PHILOCOMASIUM
I have nothing to do with that house, nor do I know or understand yourselves what persons you are.
SCELEDRUS
Proceed against me at law. I’ll never let you go, until you give me your solemn word that you will go indoors here pointing to the CAPTAIN’S house if I let go of you.
PHILOCOMASIUM
You are compelling me by force, whoever you are. I give you my word, that if you let go of me, I will go into that house where you bid me.
SCELEDRUS
Then, now I let go of you.
PHILOCOMASIUM
And, as I’m let go, I’ll go in here. Runs into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
SCELEDRUS
She has acted with a woman’s honour.
PALAESTRIO
Sceledrus, you’ve lost the prey through your hands; as sure as possible she is the lady of our master. Do you intend to act in this matter with spirit?
SCELEDRUS
How am I to act?
PALAESTRIO
Bring me a sword out here from in-doors.
SCELEDRUS
What will you do with it?
PALAESTRIO
I’ll break right into the house; and whatever man I see in-doors there caressing Philocomasium, I’ll behead him on the spot.
SCELEDRUS
And do you think that it was she?
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, it was she, sure enough.
SCELEDRUS
But how she did dissemble.
PALAESTRIO
Go, bring me a sword out here.
SCELEDRUS
I’ll have it here this moment. Goes into the CAPTAIN’S house. PALAESTRIO alone.
PALAESTRIO
Beyond a doubt, neither any horse nor foot has so great a degree of boldness in carrying out anything with as much confidence as some women. How cleverly and how skilfully she performed her part in both her characters! — how her wary keeper, my fellow-servant, is being gulled! ’Tis most fortunate that the passage communicates through the party-wall. Enter SCLEDRUS from the CAPTAIN’s house.
SCELEDRUS
Hallo! Palaestrio, there’s no occasion for the sword.
PALAESTRIO
How so? — or what’s the matter now?
SCELEDRUS
Our master’s lady is there, at home.
PALAESTRIO
What? At home?
SCELEDRUS
She’s lying on the sofa.
PALAESTRIO
Faith, but you’ve certainly brought on yourself a disagreable affair, according to what you report.
SCELEDRUS
How so?
PALAESTRIO
Inasmuch as you have dared to touch that lady next door here.
SCELEDRUS
I’ faith, I fear it much. But no one shall ever make her to be any other than her own twin-sister.
PALAESTRIO
’Twas she, in troth, that you saw toying: and, in fact, ’tis plain that it is she, as you remark.
SCELEDRUS
What was there more likely than that I should have been undone, if I had spoken of it to my master.
PALAESTRIO
Then, if you’re wise, you’ll hold your tongue. It befits a servant to know of more than he speaks. I’m going to leave you, that I may not at all participate in your designs. And I shall go to our neighbour here; these turmoils of yours don’t please me. My master, if he comes, should he inquire for me, I shall be there; send for me next door. Goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
SCLEDRUS, alone.
SCELEDRUS
Well, he’s off; nor cares he any more for his master’s business than if he were not in his service. For sure she really is now here in-doors in the house, for I myself found her just now lying down in our house. I am resolved now to employ myself in watching. Places himself against the CAPTAIN’S door. Enter PERIPLECOMENUS from his house.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Faith, but these men here, these servants of my neighbour the Captain, take me not to be a man, but a woman, so much do they trifle with me. My lady guest, who came here yesterday from Athens with the gentleman, my guest, is she to be mauled about and made fun of here in the street — a lady, free-born and free?
SCELEDRUS
aside . By my troth, I’m undone. He’s coming in a straight line up towards me. I fear that this matter may cause me great trouble, so far as I have heard this old gentleman speak.
PERIPLECOMENUS
I’ll up to this fellow. Was it you, Sceledrus, source of mischief, that were just now making fun of my lady guest before the house?
SCELEDRUS
Good neighbour, listen, I beg.
PERIPLECOMENUS
I, listen to you?
SCELEDRUS
I wish to clear myself.
PERIPLECOMENUS
You, clear yourself to me, who have done an action so gross and so unbecoming? And because you are soldiers, do you suppose, you gallows-bird, that you may do what you like with us?
SCELEDRUS
May I —— ?
PERIPLECOMENUS
But so may all the Gods and Goddesses prosper me, if a punishment with the rod is not given to you at my request, a long and lasting one, from morning to evening; because you have been breaking my gutters and my tiles, while you were following there a monkey like your own self; because, too, you have been peeping down from there at my guest in my house, when he was caressing and fondling his mistress; besides, you have dared to accuse the chaste lady of your master of criminality, and myself of a heinous offence; and further, because you have dared to maul about my lady guest before my house. If the punishment of the whip is not given to you, I will cause your master to be more laden with disgrace than the sea is full of waves in a heavy storm.
SCELEDRUS
I am driven to such straits, Periplecomenus, that I don’t know whether it is fitter for me rather to
dispute this matter with you, or whether, if she is not our lady, and if our lady was not seen by me, it seems more proper for me to excuse myself to you; as even now I don’t know which I saw, so like is that guest of yours to our lady — if, indeed, she is not the same person.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Go into my house and look: you’ll soon see.
SCELEDRUS
May I go?
PERIPLECOMENUS
Why, I command you; go and examine at your leisure.
SCELEDRUS
I am determined to do so. Goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
PERIPLECOMENUS
probably looking up to a window in the CAPTAIN’S house . Ho! Philocomasium! pass instantly, with all speed, into my house; ’tis absolutely necessary. Afterwards, when Sceledrus shall have come out from my house, pass quickly, with all haste, back again to your own house. By my troth, now, I’m afraid she’ll be making some blunder. Should he not see the woman * * * * My door opens. Enter SCLEDRUS from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
SCELEDRUS
O ye immortal Gods! A woman more like, and more the same, who is not the same, I do not think the Gods could make.
PERIPLECOMENUS
What now?
SCELEDRUS
I certainly merit chastisement.
PERIPLECOMENUS
What then? Is it she?
SCELEDRUS
Although ’tis she, ’tis not she.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Have you seen this lady?
SCELEDRUS
I have seen both her and the gentleman, your guest, caressing and kissing.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Is it she?
SCELEDRUS
I know not.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Would you know for certain?
SCELEDRUS
I should like to.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Go you this instant into your own house: see whether your lady is within.
SCELEDRUS
Very well: you’ve advised me rightly. I’ll be out again to you this instant. Goes into the CAPTAIN’S house.
PERIPLECOMENUS
I’ faith, I never saw any man more cleverly fooled, and by more singular devices. But here he is coming. Enter SCLEDRUS from the CAPTAIN’s house.
SCELEDRUS
Periplecomenus, by Gods and men, and by my own folly, and by your knees! I do beseech you ——
PERIPLECOMENUS
What now?
SCELEDRUS
Pardon my ignorance and my folly; now, at length, I know that I am half-witted, blind, and thoughtless; for, behold! Philocomasium is at home.
PERIPLECOMENUS
How, then, hang-dog. Have you seen them both?
SCELEDRUS
I have seen them.
PERIPLECOMENUS
I wish you to bring your master to me.
SCELEDRUS
Indeed, I confess that I deserve a very great punishment; and I own that I have done a wrong to your lady guest. But I thought that she was the lady of my master, to whom the Captain, my master, gave me as a keeper; for it is not possible for water ever to be drawn more like to water from the same well, than is she to this lady guest of yours. And I will confess, as well, that I did look through the skylight into your house.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Why shouldn’t you confess what I saw myself?
SCELEDRUS
And there saw in your house this lady guest of yours, kissing.
PERIPLECOMENUS
You saw her?
SCELEDRUS
I saw her. Why should I deny what I did see? But I fancied that I had seen Philocomasium.
PERIPLECOMENUS
And did you suppose me to be the very vilest of all men, in allowing, with my own knowledge, such an injury so glaringly to be done to my neighbour?
SCELEDRUS
Now, at length, I am of opinion that it was done foolishly by me, when I come to understand the matter; but still I did not do it with any ill intent.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Yes, but ’twas improperly done; for it befits a person that is a servant to keep his eyes, and hands, and talk, asleep.
SCELEDRUS
Now, if after this day I mutter anything, even what I know for certain, give me over to torture; I’ll give myself up to you. This time, prithee, do pardon me for this.
PERIPLECOMENUS
I shall subdue my feelings, so as to think that it was not done by you with malicious intent. I will pardon you in this matter.
SCELEDRUS
May the Gods bless you, then!
PERIPLECOMENUS
Troth now, as the Gods may prosper you, really do restrain your tongue henceforth; even that which you do know, don’t know, and don’t you see what you do see.
SCELEDRUS
You counsel me aright; so I’m resolved to do. Are you quite appeased?
PERIPLECOMENUS
Away with you.
SCELEDRUS
Is there aught else you now require of me?
PERIPLECOMENUS
That you would know me not. Makes as if he is departing.
SCELEDRUS
aside . He has been cajoling me. How kindly he vouchsafed his favour not to be angry. I know what plan he is upon: that directly the Captain returns home from the Forum, I may be caught at home. He and Palaestrio together have me in their power: I have perceived that, and for some time I’ve known it. I’ faith, never will I be seeking a bait this day from out of that wicker-net. For now somewhither will I betake myself, and for some days will I lie concealed until this turmoil is hushed and their resentment is softened. Enough punishment for my unlucky prating have I already merited. But still, whatever befals me I’ll be off hence home. Goes into the CAPTAIN’S house. PERIPLECOMENUS, alone.
PERIPLECOMENUS
So he has departed hence. I’ faith, I know right well, that a dead pig full oft has more relish by far than a living one: so bamboozled has he been, that he did not see what he really did see. For his eyes, and ears, and thoughts have come over to us. So far, ’tis right cleverly managed; the lady has played her part most excellently. I’ll go back again to my Senate; for Palaestrio is now at home in my house, and now Sceledrus is gone from the door. A full Senate can now be held. I’ll go in; lest while I am absent, there should be a distribution of their parts among them. Goes into his house.
ACT III.
Enter PALAESTRIO from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
PALAESTRIO
on entering he calls to PLEUSICLES and PERIPLECOMENUS, who are in the house of the latter . Keep yourselves within doors, yet a moment, Pleusicles. Let me first look out, that there may be no ambush anywhere, against that council which we intend to hold. For now we have need of a safe place from which no enemy can win the spoils of our counsels. For a well-devised plan is very often filched away, if the place for deliberating has not been chosen with care or with caution; and what is well-advised is ill-advised if it proves of use to the enemy; and if it proves of use to the enemy, it cannot otherwise than prove a detriment to yourself. For if the enemy learn your plans, by your own self-same plans they tie your tongue and bind your hands; and they do the very same to you that you intended to do to them. But I’ll spy about, lest any one, either in this direction on the left or on the right, should come like a huntsman on our counsels with his ears like toils. Looks about. Quite vacant is the prospect hence right to the bottom of the street. I’ll call them out. Hallo! Periplecomenus and Pleusicles, come out! Enter PERIPLECOMENUS and PLEUSICLES from the house of the former.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Behold us here obedient to your call.
PALAESTRIO
The sway is easy over the good. But I wish to know, if we are to carry out the matter on the same plan that we formed within?
PERIPLECOMENUS
Why, in fact there’s nothing can be more conducive to our purpose. Well, what say you, Pleusicles?
PLEUSICLES
PERIPLECOMENUS
You speak kindly and obligingly.
PALAESTRIO
Faith, and so he ought to do.
PLEUSICLES
But this affair shockingly distresses me, and torments my very heart and body.
PERIPLECOMENUS
What is it that torments you? Tell me.
PLEUSICLES
That I should cause childish actions in a person of your years, and that I should require of you deeds that neither become yourself nor your virtues; and that, with all your might, for my sake you are striving to aid me in my passion, and are doing actions of such a kind, as, when done, these years of yours are wont rather to avoid than follow. I am ashamed that I cause you this trouble in your old age.
PERIPLECOMENUS
You are a person in love after a new fashion. If, in fact, you are ashamed of anything you do, you are nothing of a lover. You are rather the shadow of those who are in love, than a true lover, Pleusicles.
PLEUSICLES
Ought I to employ these years of yours in seconding my love?
PERIPLECOMENUS
How say you? Do I seem to you so very much a subject for Acheron? So much a bier’s-man? Do I seem to you to have had so very long a life? Why, really, I am not more than four-and-fifty years old; I see clearly with my eyes, I’m ready with my hands, I’m active with my feet.
PALAESTRIO
If he is seen by you to have white hair, he is by no means an old man in mind; in him the natural strength of his mind is unimpaired.
PLEUSICLES
By my troth, for my part, I have found it to be so as you say, Palaestrio; for, in fact, his kindness is quite that of a young man.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Yes, my guest, the more you make trial of it, the more you will know my courtesy towards you in your love.
PLEUSICLES
What need to know what’s known already?
PERIPLECOMENUS
I’ll show you more amiability on my part than I’ll make mention of * * * * * * * that you may have instances for proving it at home, and not have to seek it out of doors. For unless one has loved himself, with difficulty he sees into the feelings of one in love. But I have some little love and moisture in my body still, and not yet am I dried up for the pursuits of merriment and pleasure. Either the merry banterer likewise, or the agreable boon-companion will I be; no interrupter of another am I at a feast. I bear in mind how properly to keep myself from proving disagreable to my fellow-guests; and how to take a due share with my conversation, and to be silent as well in my turn, when the discourse belongs to another. Far from being a spitter or hawker am I, far from being a dirty-nosed old fellow, too. And never do I take liberties with any person’s mistress when out in company; I don’t snatch up the dainty bits before another, nor take the cup before my turn; nor, through wine, do dissensions ever arise on my account at the convivial board. If there is any one there that is disagreable, I go off home; I cut the parley short. Stretched at my ease, I devote myself to pleasure, love, and mirth. In fine, at Ephesus was I born, not among the Apulians, not at Animula.