Complete Works of Plautus

by Plautus

  PLEUSICLES

  O what a most delightful old man, if he possesses the qualities he mentions! Why, troth, surely now, he was brought up in the very rearing of Venus.

  PALAESTRIO

  Why, in fact, you will not find another person who is of his years, more accomplished in every respect, or who is more a friend to his friend.

  PLEUSICLES

  By my troth, your whole manners really do show marks of first-rate breeding. Find me three men of such manners against a like weight in double-distilled gold.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I’ll make you confess that I really am a youngster in my manners; so abounding in kindnesses will I prove myself to you in every respect. Should you have need of an advocate, severe or fierce? I am he. Have you need of one that is gentle? You shall say that I am more gentle than the sea is when hush’d, and something more balmy will I prove than is the Zephyr breeze. In this same person will I display to you either the most jovial boon-companion, or the first-rate trencher-man, and the best of caterers. Then, as for dancing, there is no ballet-master that is so supple as I.

  PALAESTRIO

  to PLEUSICLES . What could you wish added to these accomplishments, if the option were given you?

  PLEUSICLES

  That thanks could be returned by me to him in degree equal to his deserts, and to yourself, to both of whom I feel that I am now the cause of extreme anxiety. But it is grievous to me to be the cause of so great expense to you.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  You are a simpleton. For, if you lay anything out on a bad wife and upon an enemy, that is an expense; that which is laid out on a deserving guest and a friend is gain; as that, which is expended upon sacred rites, is a profit to the wise man. By the blessing of the Gods, I have enough, with which to receive you with hospitality in my house. Eat, drink, indulge your tastes with me, and surfeit yourself with enjoyments; my house is at your service, myself likewise do I wish to be at your service. For, through the blessing of the Gods, I may say that, by reason of my wealth, I could have married a dowered wife of the best family; but I don’t choose to introduce an everlasting female barker at me into my house.

  PLEUSICLES

  Why don’t you choose? For ’tis a delightful thing to be the father of children [liberos].

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Troth, ’tis very much sweeter by far to be free [liberum] yourself. For a good wife, if it is possible for her to be married anywhere on earth, where can I find her? But am I to take one home who is never to say this to me, “Buy me some wool, my dear, with which a soft and warm cloak may be made, and good winter under-clothes, that you mayn’t catch cold this winter-weather;” such an expression as this you can never hear from a wife, but, before the cocks crow, she awakes me from my sleep, and says, “Give me some money, my dear, with which to make my mother a present on the Calends, give me some money to make preserves; give me something to give on the Quinquatrus to the sorceress, to the woman who interprets the dreams, to the prophetess, and to the female diviner; besides, ’tis impossible for me, in civility, not to fee the expiating woman; for long has the mattress-maker been grumbling, because she has received nothing; besides, the midwife found fault with me, that too little had been sent for her. What! arn’t you going to send something to the nurse that brings up the young slaves? It’s a shame if nothing’s sent her; with what a brow she does look at me.” These and many other expenses of the women like to these frighten me from a wife, to be uttering speeches to me like to this.

  PALAESTRIO

  In good sooth, the Gods are propitious to you; for so soon as you lose this liberty, you will not easily reinstate yourself in the same condition.

  PLEUSICLES

  You are a person who are able to counsel wisely both for another and for yourself. But ’tis some merit for a man of noble family and of ample wealth to rear children — a memorial of his race and of himself.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Since I have many relations, what need have I of children? Now I live well and happily, and as I like, and as contents my feelings. For I shall bequeath my property to my relations, and divide it among them. These, like children, pay attentions to me; they come to see how I do, or what I want; before it is daybreak they are with me; they make inquiry how I have enjoyed my sleep in the night. Them will I have for children who are ever sending presents to me. Are they sacrificing — they give a greater part of it to me than to themselves; they take me home with them to share the entrails; they invite me to their houses to breakfast and to dinner. He thinks himself most unfortunate, who has sent but very little to me. They vie with one another with their presents; I say in a low voice to myself: “They are gaping after my property; while, in their emulation, they are nourishing me and loading me with presents.”

  PALAESTRIO

  Upon right good grounds and right well do you fully understand yourself and your own interests, and if you are happy, sons twofold and threefold have you.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Troth, if I had had them, enough anxiety should I have had from my children. * * * * * * I should have been everlastingly tormented in mind; but if perchance one had had a fever, I think I should have died. Or if one, in liquor, had tumbled anywhere from his horse, I should have been afraid that he had broken his legs or neck on that occasion.

  PALAESTRIO

  ’Tis right that riches should come, and that long life should be granted to this man, who both husbands his property and yet enjoys himself and has kind wishes for his friends.

  PLEUSICLES

  O what a delightful person! So may the Gods and Goddesses prosper me, ‘twere right the Deities should so ordain that all should not live after one rule as to the duration of life. Just as he who is a trusty market-officer sets their prices on the wares; as that which is good or valuable is sold according to its excellence, and that which is worthless, according to the faultiness of the commodity, deprives its owner of its price; so were it right that the Gods should. portion out the life of man, so as to give to him who is kindly disposed a long life, and speedily to deprive of existence those who are reprobate and wicked. If they had provided this, bad men would both have been fewer, and with less hardihood would they do their wicked deeds; and then, those who were good men, of them there would have been a more plenteous harvest.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  He who would blame the ordinances of the Gods must be foolish and ignorant. * * * At present we must at once have an end of these matters; for new I want to go to market, that, my guest, according to your own deserts and mine, I may entertain you hospitably at my house, heartily and with right hearty cheer.

  PLEUSICLES

  I am content with the expense that I have been to you already. For no guest can be thus hospitably entertained by a friend, but that when he has been there three days running, he must now become a bore; but when he is prolonging his stay for ten successive days, he is a nuisance to the household. Although the master willingly allows it, the servants grumble.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I have trained up the servants that are in my service, my guest, not to rule over me, or for me to be obedient to them. If that is disagreable to them which is agreable to me, I steer my own course; that which they don’t like must still be done at their peril, and whether they like it or no. Now, as I intended, I shall go to market.

  PLEUSICLES

  If you are resolved, do cater somewhat within bounds, at no great expense; anything is enough for me.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Won’t you now have done with that old-fashioned and antiquated talk? Now surely, guest, you are using the cant of the vulgar. For they are in the habit of saying, when they have taken their places, when dinner is put on table: “What necessity was there for you to go to this great expense on out account? Surely you were mad, for this same dinner was enough for ten persons.” What has been provided on their account they find fault with; they eat it up, however.

  PALAESTRIO

  Tro
th, in that self-same fashion ’tis generally done. How clever and shrewd is his discernment.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  But these same persons never say, although such an abundance has been provided, “Do order that to be taken off; do take away this dish; remove this gammon of bacon, I’ll have none of it; put aside that piece of pork; this conger’s good when cold; remove it, take and put it aside.” You hear none of them saying this in earnest, but they stretch themselves out, while with half their bodies on the table, they are indulging their appetite.

  PALAESTRIO

  How cleverly the good soul has described their bad manners.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I have not said a hundredth part of what I could have enlarged upon had there been leisure for the matter.

  PALAESTRIO

  The business, then, that we are about — to that we ought first to turn our thoughts. Do you both, now, give me your attention. I have need, Periplecomenus, of your assistance; for I have hit upon a pleasant trick, how this Captain with his long locks may be fleeced quite close, and how we may effect a means for Philocomasium, and this her lover, that he may carry her off hence, and have her as his own.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I wish this plan to be imparted to me.

  PALAESTRIO

  And I, wish that ring of yours to be imparted to me.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  For what purpose is it to be used?

  PALAESTRIO

  When I have got it, I will impart the plan of my devices.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Take and use it. (Gives him the ring.)

  PALAESTRIO

  Take from me in return the plan of my contrivance that I have hit upon.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  We are listening to you with most attentive ear.

  PALAESTRIO

  My master is such a shocking rake among the women, that I think no one ever was his equal, nor ever will be.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I believe the same as well.

  PALAESTRIO

  He boasts, too, that his beauty exceeds that of Alexander; and, therefore, he says that all the women in Ephesus of their own accord are courting him.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Aye, faith, many there are who could wish that you were now telling an untruth about him. But I am convinced full well that it is as you say. For that reason, Palaestrio, do compress your words in as short a compass as ever you possibly can.

  PALAESTRIO

  Can you, then, find any woman of agreable person, whose mind and body are full of merriment and subtlety?

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Free by birth, or bondwoman made free?

  PALAESTRIO

  I consider that a matter of indifference, so that you find one who is greedy for gain, who supports her body by her charms, who has, too, her senses all awake; as for her heart, that cannot be so, as none of them have one.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Do you want one that has taken her degrees, or one as yet a novice in the art?

  PALAESTRIO

  One sober but plump, a juicy bit; as taking a one as ever you can find, and one very young.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  Why, I have one, a dependant of mine, a courtesan, a very young woman. But what is the occasion for her?

  PALAESTRIO

  For you to bring her home at once to your house as your wife, and, for that reason, to bring her there dressed out, so that she may wear her locks with her hair arranged, and fillets after the fashion of matrons, and may pretend that she is your wife; so you must instruct her.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I am at a loss what road you are taking.

  PALAESTRIO

  Well, you shall know. But what sort of a maid has she?

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  She is a rare clever one.

  PALAESTRIO

  We have need of her as well; so give your instructions to the damsel and her maid, to pretend that she is your wife and is doting upon this Captain; and as though she had given this ring to her maid, then she to me, that I might deliver it to the Captain; and I must be as though it were a go-between in this matter.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  I hear you; don’t stun my ears as if I were deaf.

  PALAESTRIO

  I myself will go straightway to him; I’ll say that it has been brought and delivered to me from your wife, in order that I might introduce her to him. He’ll be distractedly longing for her at home, a scoundrel that cares for nothing else whatever but intriguing.

  PERIPLECOMENUS

  If you had commissioned the Sun himself to search them out, he couldn’t have found, better than myself, two more cleverly suited for this business. Be of good courage about it.

  PALAESTRIO

  Take you every care then. There is need of despatch. (Exit PERIPLECOMENUS.)

  PALAESTRIO

  Now, do you listen, Pleusicles.

  PLEUSICLES

  I am all attention to you.

  PALAESTRIO

  Take care of this. When the Captain comes home, do you remember not to call Philocomasium by her name.

  PLEUSICLES

  What am I to call her?

  PALAESTRIO

  Glycera.

  PLEUSICLES

  The same, you mean, that was agreed upon a little time since.

  PALAESTRIO

  Hush! — Be off.

  PLEUSICLES

  I’ll remember; but still I don’t know what use it is to keep it in my mind.

  PALAESTRIO

  But I will tell you, at the time, when occasion shall require. Meanwhile, be quiet; so that, bye and bye, when he too shall be acting his part, you may, on the instant, be minding your cue.

  PLEUSICLES

  I’ll go in then.

  PALAESTRIO

  Go, and do take care steadily to follow my instructions. PLEUSICLES goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.

  PALAESTRIO

  What mighty turmoils I create! What mighty engines 1 do set to work! This very day I shall take his mistress away from the Captain, if my soldiers are only well drilled. But I’ll call him out. Goes to the door and calls. Hallo! Sceledrus, if you are not busy, come out to the front of the house; I, Palaestrio, call you. Enter LUCRIO from the CAPTAIN’s house.

  LUCRIO

  Sceledrus is not at leisure.

  PALAESTRIO

  Why so?

  LUCRIO

  He’s fast asleep, gulping.

  PALAESTRIO

  How, gulping?

  LUCRIO

  He’s snoring, ’twas that I meant to say: but, because ’tis very like gulping when you are snoring —— * * * * * * *

  PALAESTRIO

  What ! Is Sceledrus asleep in-doors?

  LUCRIO

  Not with his nose, in fact; for with that he is calling out loud enough.

  PALAESTRIO

  He has taken a cup by stealth; the butler has lately tapped a cask of nardine. Oho! you rascal, you are his deputy-butler. Oho!

  LUCRIO

  What do you mean?

  PALAESTRIO

  How has he thought fit to go to sleep?

  LUCRIO

  With his eyes, I suppose.

  PALAESTRIO

  I don’t ask you that, you vagabond. Step this way: you’re undone now, unless I know the truth. Did you draw the wine for him?

  LUCRIO

  I did not draw it.

  PALAESTRIO

  Do you deny it?

  LUCRIO

  I’ faith, I do deny it undoubtedly; for he charged me not to tell. I really didn’t just draw for him eight half pints into a pitcher, and, when drawn, he didn’t just drink it hot, at his breakfast.

  PALAESTRIO

  And you didn’t just drink as well?

  LUCRIO

  The Gods confound me if I did drink — if I could drink.

  PALAESTRIO

  Why so?

  LUCRIO

  Because, in fact, I only sipped;
for it was too hot; it burnt my throat.

  PALAESTRIO

  Some are gloriously drunk, while others are drinking vinegar-water. The cellar’s trusted to an honest butler, as well as under-butler.

  LUCRIO

  I’ faith, you’d be doing the same, if it was entrusted to you. Since you can’t follow our example, you are envious now.

  PALAESTRIO

  Come, now, did he ever draw any wine before this? Answer me, you rascal. And, that you may understand it, I give you this notice: if you purposely tell me an untruth, you shall be put to the torture.

  LUCRIO

  Indeed so? That you may inform, forsooth, that I told you; and then I shall be turned out of my fattening post in the cellar, that you may find another under-butler to draw for your own self.

  PALAESTRIO

  On my honour, I will not; come, speak out boldly to me.

  LUCRIO

  By my troth, I never saw him draw any. But thus was it; he requested me, and then I drew it.

  PALAESTRIO

  Think of that now! very frequently, I guess, the casks were standing on their heads there.

  LUCRIO

  No, faith, the casks would not have stood so very badly there. But there happened to be in the cellar a bit of a slippery spot; a two-pint pot was placed there, near the casks, in this fashion shows the way . Frequently, that was filled ten times in a day. When the pot acted the reveller, the casks were all tottering.

  PALAESTRIO

  Get you gone in-doors. Both of you, I find, are acting the revellers in the wine-cellar. I’ faith, I shall fetch my master home just now from the Forum.

  LUCRIO

  aside . I’m ruined. My master, when he comes home, will have me tortured, when he knows of these doings. I’ faith, I’ll fly somewhither, and put off this punishment to another day. To the AUDIENCE. Don’t you tell him, I do entreat you most earnestly. He is going.