by Plautus
PALAESTRIO
Whither are you betaking yourself?
LUCRIO
I am sent elsewhere: I’ll come back here just now.
PALAESTRIO
Who has sent you?
LUCRIO
Philocomasium.
PALAESTRIO
Go; be back directly.
LUCRIO
If it is divided, prithee do you only take my share of the punishment while I’m away. (Exit LUCRIO.) PALAESTRIO, alone.
PALAESTRIO
So — I understand what scheme the lady is upon. Because Sceledrus is asleep, she has sent her under-keeper away out of doors, whilst she may pass from our house to next door. That’s all right. Looks down the street. But Periplecomenus is bringing here a woman of very comely appearance, her, for whom I commissioned him. By my faith, the Gods are helping us in this matter. How becomingly drest she struts along, not like a Courtesan. This business is prospering charmingly in our hands. Stands aside.
Enter PERIPLECOMENUS, with ACROTELEUTIUM and MILPHIDIPPA.
PERIPLECOMENUS
as he advances . I have explained the whole affair, Acroteleutium, to you, and, Milphidippa, to you as well. If you don’t well understand this device and plan, I wish you to hear it all over again. If you comprehend it aright, there is something else that we may speak of in preference.
ACROTELEUTIUM
I’ faith, it would be folly, and ignorance, and foolishness, for me to engage in the service of another, or to promise you my assistance, if, in its fabrication, I did not know how to be either mischievous or clever at deceiving.
PERIPLECOMENUS
But, ’tis better for you to be instructed.
ACROTELEUTIUM
Really I don’t understand of what great use it is for a Courtesan to be instructed. How now! have I told you all in vain, after my ears had drunk in the draughts of your discourse, in what fashion it was possible for the Captain to be cajoled?
PERIPLECOMENUS
But no one, unaided, is sufficiently perfect; for full oft have I seen many a person lose the road to good advice before they had found it.
ACROTELEUTIUM
If a woman has anything to do mischievously and maliciously, in that case her memory is immortal at remembering it for everlasting; but if anything is to be done for a good purpose, or honestly, it will fall out that those same women will become oblivious that instant, and be unable to remember.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Therefore do I fear that same, because both those things happen to be about to be done by us; for that will be a benefit to me in which you both will be acting mischievously towards the Captain.
ACROTELEUTIUM
So long as we do anything that’s good, not knowing it, don’t you fear. No woman is awkward * * * * * * Have no apprehensions, they are ready for the worst.
PERIPLECOMENUS
So it befits you. Do you follow me.
PALAESTRIO
advancing . Why do I hesitate to go and accost them?
PERIPLECOMENUS
Well met, and opportunely, Palaestrio. See, here they are whom you commissioned me to bring, and in the very dress.
PALAESTRIO
Well done: accept my thanks. I am glad that you have come safe. I’ faith, you bring them nicely dressed Palaestrio salutes Acroteleutium.
ACROTELEUTIUM
Prithee, who’s this, that calls me so familiarly by name?
PERIPLECOMENUS
This is our master-plotter.
ACROTELEUTIUM
Health to you, master-plotter.
PALAESTRIO
And health to you. But, tell me, has he any way given you full instructions?
PERIPLECOMENUS
I bring them both thoroughly prepared.
PALAESTRIO
I’d like to hear how. I’m afraid lest you should be making some mistake.
PERIPLECOMENUS
I have added to your instructions nothing new of my own.
ACROTELEUTIUM
I suppose you wish the Captain, your master, to be gulled.
PALAESTRIO
You’ve said what’s true.
ACROTELEUTIUM
Cleverly and skilfully, adroitly and pleasantly, the whole thing is planned.
PALAESTRIO
In fact, I wish you to pretend to be his wife. Points to PERIPLECOMENUS.
ACROTELEUTIUM
That shall be done.
PALAESTRIO
To pretend as though you had set your affection on the Captain.
ACROTELEUTIUM
And so it shall be.
PALAESTRIO
And as though this affair is managed through me, as the go-between, and your servant-maid.
ACROTELEUTIUM
You might have made a good prophet; for you tell what is to be.
PALAESTRIO
As though this maid of yours had conveyed from you this ring to me, which I was then to deliver to the Captain, in your name.
ACROTELEUTIUM
You say what’s true.
PERIPLECOMENUS
What need is there to mention these things now, which they remember so well?
ACROTELEUTIUM
Still, it is better. For think of this, my patron; when the shipwright is skilful, if he has once laid down the keel exact to its lines, ’tis easy to build the ship, when * * * * Now this keel of ours has been skilfully laid and firmly placed; the workmen and the master-builders are not unskilled in this business. If he who furnishes the timber does not retard us in giving what is needed, I know the adroitness of our ingenuity — soon will the ship be got ready.
PALAESTRIO
You know the Captain, my master, then?
ACROTELEUTIUM
’Tis strange you should ask me. How could I not know that scorn of the public, that swaggering, frizzle-headed, perfumed debauchee?
PALAESTRIO
But does he know you?
ACROTELEUTIUM
He never saw me: how, then, should he know who I am?
PALAESTRIO
’Tis most excellent what you say. For that reason, i’ faith, the thing will be able to be managed all the more cleverly.
ACROTELEUTIUM
Can you only find me the man, and then be easy as to the rest? If I don’t make a fool of the fellow, do you lay all the blame on me.
PALAESTRIO
Well, go you in then; apply yourselves to this business with all your skill.
ACROTELEUTIUM
Trust me for that.
PALAESTRIO
Come, Periplecomenus, do you conduct them at once in-doors. I’m off to the Forum; I’ll meet him, and give him this ring, and will tell him that it has been delivered to me from your wife, and that she is dying for him. As soon as we shall have come from the Forum, do you send her (points to MILPHIDIPPA) to our house as though she were privately sent to him.
PERIPLECOMENUS
We’ll do so; trust us for that.
PALAESTRIO
Do you only attend to the business; I’ll now polish him off with a pretty burden on his back. (Exit.)
PERIPLECOMENUS
Go, with good luck to you, manage the matter cleverly. To ACROTELEUTIUM. But now, if I shall manage this adroitly, that my guest can this day gain the mistress of the Captain, and carry her off hence to Athens; if, I say, this day we shall succeed in this plan, what shall I give you for a present?
ACROTELEUTIUM
* * * * * If now the lady seconds our efforts on her part, I think it will be right cleverly and adroitly managed. When a comparison shall be made of our artifices, I have no fear that I shall not prove superior in the cleverness of my contrivances.
PERIPLECOMENUS
Let’s go in-doors, then, that we may deeply weigh these plans, that carefully and cautiously we may carry out what is to be done, so that, when the Captain comes, there may be no tripping.
ACROTELEUTIUM
You are delaying us with your talk. They go into th
e house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
ACT IV.
Enter PYRGOPOLINICES and PALAESTRIO.
PYRGOPOLINICES
’Tis a pleasure what you do, if it succeeds agreably and to your mind. For I this day have sent my Parasite to King Seleucus, to lead those soldiers, that I have levied, hence to Seleucus; in order that they may defend his kingdom till I have leisure to attend in person.
PALAESTRIO
Why don’t you attend to your own concerns rather than those of Seleucus. What a charming new proposal is being offered to you through me as the negotiator.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Well then, I lay all other things aside, and I give my attention to you. Speak out: my ears, in fact, I surrender at your disposal.
PALAESTRIO
Look around, then, that no one here may be an eavesdropper for our discourse; for this business was entrusted me to transact with you in private.
PYRGOPOLINICES
(looks around). There’s no one near.
PALAESTRIO
In the first place, receive from me this pledge of affection. Gives him the ring.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What’s this? Whence comes it?
PALAESTRIO
From a charming and a handsome lady, one who loves you, and dotes upon your extreme beauty. Her maid just now gave me the ring that I might then give it to you.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What? Is she free born or a freed woman, made free from a slave by the Praetor’s rod?
PALAESTRIO
Pshaw! Should I presume to be the bearer of a message to you from a person once a slave, who cannot sufficiently answer the demands of the free women who are longing for you?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Is she wife, or is she widow?
PALAESTRIO
She is both wife and widow.
PYRGOPOLINICES
In what way is it possible for the same woman to be a wife and a widow?
PALAESTRIO
Because she is a young woman married to an old man.
PYRGOPOLINICES
That’s good.
PALAESTRIO
She is of genteel and charming person.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Beware of misrepresenting.
PALAESTRIO
It is alone worthy to be compared with your own charms.
PYRGOPOLINICES
By my faith, you make her out to be a beauty. But who is she?
PALAESTRIO
The wife of that old gentleman, Periplecomenus, next door. She is dying for you, and wishes to leave him; she hates the old fellow. Now she has begged me to entreat and beseech you that you will give her your support and assistance.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’ faith, I’m ready for my part if she desires it.
PALAESTRIO
Doesn’t she long for it?
PYRGOPOLINICES
What shall we do with that mistress of mine, who is at my house?
PALAESTRIO
Why, do you bid her to be gone about her business, wherever she chooses; as her twin-sister has come here to Ephesus, and her mother, and they are come to fetch her.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Ha! what’s that you say? Has her mother come to Ephesus?
PALAESTRIO
Those say so who know it.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’ faith, a charming opportunity for me to turn the wench out of doors.
PALAESTRIO
Aye, but do you wish to do the thing handsomely?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Speak out, and give me your advice.
PALAESTRIO
Do you wish to pack her off forthwith, that she may quit you with a good grace?
PYRGOPOLINICES
I do so wish.
PALAESTRIO
Then this is the thing you must do. You have a superabundance of wealth; bid the woman to keep as a present for herself the gold and trinkets which you have supplied her with, and to take herself off from your house wherever she likes.
PYRGOPOLINICES
It pleases me what you say; but yet, only think, if I should lose her, and the other change her mind?
PALAESTRIO
Pshaw! you’re over nice; a lady, that loves you as her own eyes.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Venus befriends me.
PALAESTRIO
Hist! hush! the door is opening; come this way a little out of sight. MILPHIDIPPA comes out of the house of PERIPLECOMENUS. This is her fly-boat-her go-between, that’s coming out there.
PYRGOPOLINICES
How so — fly-boat?
PALAESTRIO
This is her maid that is coming ut of the house, she that brought that ring which I delivere to you.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’ faith, she too is a prettyish wench.
PALAESTRIO
This one is a little monkey and an owl in comparison with the other. Do you see how she hunts around with her eyes, and goes fowling about with her ears. They stand aside.
Enter MILPHIDIPPA.
MILPHIDIPPA
as she enters . My Circus, then, is before the house, where my sports are to take place. I’ll make pretence, as though I didn’t see them, or knew as yet that they are here.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Hush! let’s quietly listen, whether any mention is made of me.
MILPHIDIPPA
aloud . Is there no one near at hand here, to attend to another’s business rather than his own? — to prowl after me to see what I’m about? No one who is feeding this evening at his own expense? I dread such men as these, lest they should now come in the way, or prove an hindrance somehow, should my mistress privately pass from her house this way, who is so enamoured of his person, who so dotes upon this very charming man with his exceeding beauty — the Captain Pyrgopolinices
PYRGOPOLINICES
And doesn’t she dote upon me, too? She is praising my beauty.
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, her language stands in need of no ashes.
PYRGOPOLINICES
For what reason?
PALAESTRIO
Why, because her language is clean spoken and far from slovenly. Whatever she says about yourself, she handles it in no slovenly way. And, then, besides, she herself is a very pretty and a very dainty wench.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Troth, indeed, she has made an impression already, Palaestrio, at first sight.
PALAESTRIO
What! before you have seen the other with your eyes?
PYRGOPOLINICES
What I see, in that I have faith for myself; for this mackerel, in the absence of the mullet, compels me to be in love with her.
PALAESTRIO
I’ faith, you really mustn’t be falling in love with her, she’s engaged to me. If the other weds you to-day, forthwith I shall take this one for my wife.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Why, then, do you delay to accost her?
PALAESTRIO
Follow me this way, then.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I am your lackey at your heels.
MILPHIDIPPA
aloud . I wish that I had an opportunity of meeting him on account of whom I came here out of doors.
PALAESTRIO
accosting her . It shall be so, and you shall have what you so greatly wish; be of good courage, don’t fear; there is a certain person who knows where that is which you are seeking.
MILPHIDIPPA
Who’s that I hear at hand?
PALAESTRIO
The sharer of your plans and the partaker of your secrets.
MILPHIDIPPA
I’ faith, then, what I do conceal I don’t conceal.
PALAESTRIO
Aye, but still you don’t conceal it this way.
MILPHIDIPPA
How so?
PALAESTRIO
From the uninitiated you conceal them. I am sure and trustworthy to you.
MILPHIDIPPA
Gi
ve me the sign, if you are one of these votaries.
PALAESTRIO
A certain lady loves a certain gentleman.
MILPHIDIPPA
Faith, many ladies do that indeed.
PALAESTRIO
But not many ladies send a present from off their fingers.
MILPHIDIPPA
Aye, I know now. You’ve now made the matter level for me instead of steep. But is there a certain person here?
PALAESTRIO
Either he is or he is not.
MILPHIDIPPA
Come aside with me alone, in private.
PALAESTRIO
For a short or for a lengthy conversation?
MILPHIDIPPA
For three words only.
PALAESTRIO
to PYRGOPOLINICES . I’ll return to you this instant.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What? Shall I be standing here in the meanwhile, with such charms and valorous deeds, thus to no purpose?
PALAESTRIO
Submit to it and wait; for you am I doing this service.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Make haste; I am tortured with waiting.
PALAESTRIO
You know that commodities of this kind are only wont to be reached step by step.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Well, well; as is most agreable to yourself.
PALAESTRIO
aside . There is no stone more stupid than this fellow. I now return to you. To MILPHIDIPPA. What would you with me? Retires with her to distance.
MILPHIDIPPA
In the way in which I received it of you a short time since, I bring you back your clever lot; my story is as though she were dying with love for him.
PALAESTRIO
That 1 understand. Do you commend his beauty and his appearance, and make mention of his prowess.
MILPHIDIPPA
For that purpose I am armed at all points, as I have shown you before already. On the other hand, do you give all attention, and be on the watch, and take your cue from my words.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Prithee do now, in fine, give me some share in the business; step this way this instant, I beg.
PALAESTRIO
goes up to him . Here I am. If you wish for aught, give me your commands.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What is she saying to you?
PALAESTRIO
She is saying that her mistress is lamenting, and, in tears, is tormenting and afflicting herself because she wishes for you, and because she possesses you not; for that reason has she been sent here to you.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Bid her approach.
PALAESTRIO