by Plautus
But do you know how you are to act? Pretend that you are full of disdain, as though it pleased you not; exclaim against me, because I make you so common to the mob.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I remember, and I’ll follow your instructions.
PALAESTRIO
I’ll call her, then, who is inquiring after you.
PYRGOPOLINICES
If she wants anything, let her come.
PALAESTRIO
Wench, if you want anything, step this way.
MILPHIDIPPA
approaching . Save you, charmer.
PYRGOPOLINICES
She makes mention of my surname. May the Gods grant you whatever you may desire.
MILPHIDIPPA
To pass life with you is the wish of ——
PYRGOPOLINICES
You are wishing too much.
MILPHIDIPPA
I am not speaking of myself, but of my mistress, who is dying for you.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Many others are wishing for the same thing, who have not the opportunity.
MILPHIDIPPA
By my troth, ’tis not to be wondered at; you set a high value on yourself — a person so handsome, and so illustrious for his prowess, and so valorous in his deeds! O! was there ever any one more worthy to be a man?
PALAESTRIO
aside . I’ faith, the filthy fellow is not a human being; indeed, I think there is something more human in a vulture.
PYRGOPOLINICES
aside . Now I shall make myself of importance, since she so praises me up. Struts about.
PALAESTRIO
aside . Do you see the blockhead, how he struts? To PYRGOPOLINICES. But will you not answer her; she is the woman that’s come from the lady whom I was mentioning just now.
PYRGOPOLINICES
But from which one of them? For there are so many courting me, I cannot remember them all.
MILPHIDIPPA
From her who strips her own fingers and adorns your fingers; for I delivered to him pointing to PALAESTRIO that ring from her who is sighing for you, and then he to you.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Tell me, wench, what is it you want then?
MILPHIDIPPA
That you will not despise her who is sighing for you; who lives now but in your life: whether she is to exist or not, her hope is in you alone.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What does she want then?
MILPHIDIPPA
To talk with you, to embrace you, and to be intimate with you. For unless you bring her succour, she will soon be quite desponding in her mind. Come, my Achilles, let that be done which I entreat; save her, charmer, by your charming ways. Call forth your kind disposition, stormer of cities, slayer of kings.
PYRGOPOLINICES
O! by my troth, ’tis a vexatious thing! To PALAESTRIO. How often, whip-scoundrel, have I forbidden you to make promises of my attention thus common.
PALAESTRIO
Do you hear that, hussy? I have told you already, and I now tell you again, unless a fee is given to this boar- pig, he cannot possibly throw away his attentions in any quarter.
MILPHIDIPPA
A fee shall be given, as large as he shall demand.
PALAESTRIO
He requires a talent of gold, in Philippean pieces. Less he will take from no one.
MILPHIDIPPA
O, by my troth, but that’s too little, surely.
PYRGOPOLINICES
By nature there’s no avarice in me; I have riches enough. I’ faith! I’ve more than a thousand measures full of Philippean gold coins.
PALAESTRIO
Besides your treasures. Then, of silver, he has mountains, not ingots; Aetna is not so high.
MILPHIDIPPA
aside . By the stars! O, what a lie!
PALAESTRIO
to MILPHIDIPPA, aside . How rarely I am playing him off!
MILPHIDIPPA
to PALAESTRIO, aside . And I; how do I do it? Ain’t I gulling him?
PALAESTRIO
aside . Rarely.
MILPHIDIPPA
But, prithee, do let me go now.
PALAESTRIO
to the CAPTAIN . But do you give her some answer, either that you will do it, or that you won’t do it. Why cause this poor lady so much anguish of mind, who has never deserved any ill of you?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Bid her come to me herself. Tell her that I will do everything that she requires.
MILPHIDIPPA
You now act as it is proper for you to act. since you wish the same yourself that she is wishing.
PALAESTRIO
to himself, aside . No poor faculty of invention has she.
MILPHIDIPPA
Since too you have not scouted your petitioner, and nave suffered me to prevail upon you. Aside to PALAESTRIO. How now? Haven’t I played him off?
PALAESTRIO
aside to MILPHIDIPPA . Faith, I couldn’t refrain from laughing.
MILPHIDIPPA
aside to PALAESTRIO . Yes; and for the same reason I turned in this direction away from you.
PYRGOPOLINICES
By my troth, wench, you don’t understand how great an honor I am now paying her.
MILPHIDIPPA
I know, and I shall tell her so.
PALAESTRIO
To another he could have sold his favours for his weight in gold.
MILPHIDIPPA
I’ faith, I believe you in that.
PALAESTRIO
Of those that are parents by him true warriors are born, and his sons live eight hundred years.
MILPHIDIPPA
aside to PALAESTRIO . Fie on you for a fibber!
PYRGOPOLINICES
Why, straight on, from age to age, they live for a thousand years.
PALAESTRIO
I spoke within limits, for the reason that she mightn’t suppose I was telling lies to her.
MILPHIDIPPA
aside . I burst, I die! Aloud. How many years will he live himself whose sons live so long?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Wench, I was born the day after Jupiter was born of Ops.
PALAESTRIO
If he had only been born the day before the other was, he would have had the realms of heaven.
MILPHIDIPPA
aside to PALAESTRIO . Now, now, prithee, no more do let me get away from you, if I can, alive.
PALAESTRIO
Why don’t you go then, as you have your answer?
MILPHIDIPPA
I’ll go, and I’ll bring her here, on whose behalf I am employed. Is there aught else you wish?
PYRGOPOLINICES
May I never be more handsome than I am at pre sent; so much trouble do my good looks cause me.
PALAESTRIO
Why do you stay now? Why don’t you go?
MILPHIDIPPA
I’m going.
PALAESTRIO
aside to MILPHIDIPPA . And tell her, too, do you hear, cleverly and correctly, what has passed.
MILPHIDIPPA
to PALAESTRIO . So that her very heart may leap for joy.
PALAESTRIO
aside to MILPHIDIPPA If Philocomasium is there, tell her to pass through into our house; that the Captain here.
MILPHIDIPPA
to PALAESTRIO . She is there with my mistress for, on the sly, they have been overhearing this conversation.
PALAESTRIO
aside to MILPHIDIPPA . ’Twas cleverly done; here after they will take their cue the more readily from this conversation.
MILPHIDIPPA
to PALAESTRIO . You are delaying me. I’m off.
PALAESTRIO
to MILPHIDIPPA . I’m not delaying you, nor touching you, nor — I’m mum.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Bid her make haste to come out here; we’ll give our first attention to this matter especially. MILPHIDIPPA goes into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
PYRGOPOLINICES, PALAESTRIO.
PYRG
OPOLINICES
What do you advise me now to do, Palaestrio, about my mistress? For this lady can by no means be received into my house before I have sent the other away.
PALAESTRIO
Why consult me what you are to do? So far as I am concerned, I have told you by what method that can be effected in the gentlest manner. The gold trinkets and female clothing with which you have furnished her, let her keep it all for herself: let her take it, be off, and carry it away: tell her that it is high time for her to go home; say that her twin-sister and her mother are come, in company with whom she may go straight home.
PYRGOPOLINICES
How do you know that they are here?
PALAESTRIO
Because, with my own eyes, I’ve seen her sister here.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Have you met her?
PALAESTRIO
I have met her.
PYRGOPOLINICES
And did she seem a brisk wench?
PALAESTRIO
You are wishing to have everything.
PYRGOPOLINICES
Where did the sister say her mother was?
PALAESTRIO
The captain that brought them told me that she was in bed, on board the ship, with sore and inflamed eyes. This captain of the ship is lodging with them next door.
PYRGOPOLINICES
And he, too, is he a very fine fellow?
PALAESTRIO
Away with you, if you please. What have you to do with him? You have your hands quite full enough with the women. Attend to this for the present.
PYRGOPOLINICES
As to that advice you were giving me, I wish you to have a few words with her upon that subject. For, really, a conversation on that subject with her is more becoming for you.
PALAESTRIO
What is more advisable than for you to go yourself, and transact your own concerns? You must say that it is absolutely necessary for you to marry: that your relations are persuading, your friends are urging, you.
PYRGOPOLINICES
And do you think so?
PALAESTRIO
Why shouldn’t I think so?
PYRGOPOLINICES
I’ll go in, then. Do you, in the mean time, keep watch here before the house, that when the other woman comes out you may call me out.
PALAESTRIO
Do you only mind the business that you are upon.
PYRGOPOLINICES
That, indeed, is resolved upon. For if she will not go out of her own accord, I’ll turn her out by force.
PALAESTRIO
Do you take care how you do that; but rather let her go from your house with a good grace, and give her those things that I mentioned. The gold trinkets and apparel, with which you furnished her, let her take away.
PYRGOPOLINICES
By my troth, I wish she would.
PALAESTRIO
I think you’ll easily prevail upon her. But go indoors; don’t linger here.
PYRGOPOLINICES
I obey you. Goes into his house .
PALAESTRIO
to the AUDIENCE . Now, does he really appear to be anything different from what, awhile ago, I told you he was, this wenching Captain? Now it is requisite that Acroteleutium should come to me, her maid too, and Pleusicles. O Jupiter! and does not opportunity favour me in every respect? For those whom I especially wished to see, I perceive at this moment coming out here from our neighbour’s.
Enter ACROTELEUTIUM, MILPHIDIPPA, and PLEUSICLES from the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
ACROTELEUTIUM
Follow me; at the same time look around, that there may be no overlooker.
MILPHIDIPPA
Faith, I see no one, only him whom we want to meet.
PALAESTRIO
Just as I want you.
MILPHIDIPPA
How do you do, our master-plotter?
PALAESTRIO
I, the master-plotter? Nonsense.
MILPHIDIPPA
How so?
PALAESTRIO
Because, in comparison with yourself, I am not worthy to fix a beam in a wall.
ACROTELEUTIUM
Aye, indeed so.
PALAESTRIO
She’s a very fluent and a very clever hand at mischief. How charmingly she did polish off the Captain.
MILPHIDIPPA
But still, not enough.
PALAESTRIO
Be of good courage all the business is now prospering under our hands. Only do you, as you have begun, still give a helping hand; for the Captain himself has gone in-doors, to entreat his mistress to leave his house, with her mother and sister, for Athens.
PLEUSICLES
Very good — well done.
PALAESTRIO
Besides, all the gold trinkets and apparel which he himself has provided for the damsel, he gives her to keep as a present for herself — so have I recommended him.
PLEUSICLES
Really, it’s easily done, if both she wishes it, and he desires it as well.
PALAESTRIO
Don’t you know that when, from a deep well, you have ascended up to the top, there is the greatest danger lest you should thence fall back again from the top. This affair is now being carried on at the top of the well. If the Captain should have a suspicion of it, nothing whatever of his will be able to be carried off. Now, most especially, we have need of clever contrivances.
PLEUSICLES
I see that there is material enough at home for that purpose — three women, yourself the fourth, I am the fifth, the old gentleman the sixth.
PALAESTRIO
What an edifice of stratagems has been erected by us! I know for certain. that any town seems as though it could be taken by these plans: only do you lend your assistance.
ACROTELEUTIUM
For that purpose are we come to you, to see if you wish for anything.
PALAESTRIO
You do what’s à propos. Now to you do I assign this department.
ACROTELEUTIUM
General, you shall assign me whatever you please, so far as I am capable.
PALAESTRIO
I wish this Captain to be played off cleverly and adroitly.
ACROTELEUTIUM
I’ faith, you’re assigning me what’s a pleasure to me.
PALAESTRIO
But do you understand how?
ACROTELEUTIUM
You mean that I must pretend that I am distracted with love for him.
PALAESTRIO
Right — you have it.
ACROTELEUTIUM
And as though by reason of that love I had fcregone my present marriage, longing for a match with him.
PALAESTRIO
Everything exactly in its due order; except only this one point; you must say that this house pointing to the house of PERIPLECOMENUS was your marriage-portion; that the old man had departed hence from you after you had carried out the divorce, lest he should be afraid just now to come here into the house of another man.
ACROTELEUTIUM
You advise me well.
PALAESTRIO
But when he comes out from in-doors, I wish you — standing at a distance there — so to make pretence, as though in comparison with his beauty you despised your own, and as though you were struck with awe at his opulent circumstances; at the same time, too, praise the comeliness of his person, the beauty of his face. Are you tutored enough?
ACROTELEUTIUM
I understand it all. Is it enough that I give you my work so nicely finished off that you cannot find a fault with it.
PALAESTRIO
I’m content. Now addressing PLEUSICLES , in your turn, learn what charge I shall give to you So soon as this shall be done, when she shall have gone in, then do you immediately take care to come here dressed in the garb of a master of a ship. Have on a broad-brimmed hat of iron-grey, a woollen shade before your eyes; have on an iron-grey cloak (for that is the seaman’s colour); have it fastened over the left shoulder, your right arm projecting out,
* * * * * * your clothes some way well girded up, pretend as though you are some master of a ship. And all these requisites are at the house of this old gentleman, for he keeps fishermen.
PLEUSICLES
Well, when I’m dressed out, why don’t you tell me what I’m to do then?
PALAESTRIO
Come here, and, in the name of her mother, bring word to Philocomasium, that, if she would return to Athens, she must go with you to the harbour directly, and that she must order it to be carried down to the ship if she wishes anything to be put on board; that if she doesn’t go, you must weigh anchor, for the wind is favourable.
PLEUSICLES
I like your plan much: do proceed.
PALAESTRIO
The Captain will at once advise her to go speedily that she may not delay her mother.
PLEUSICLES
Every way you are clever.
PALAESTRIO
I shall tell him that she asks for me as a helper to carry her baggage down to the harbour. I shall go, and, understand you, I shall immediately be off with you straight to Athens.
PLEUSICLES
And when you have reached there, I’ll never let you be ashore three days before you’re free.
PALAESTRIO
Be off speedily and equip yourself.
PLEUSICLES
Is there anything besides?
PALAESTRIO
Only to remember all this.
PLEUSICLES
I’m off. Exit.
PALAESTRIO
And do you to ACROTELEUTIUM and MILPHIDIPPA be off hence in-doors this instant, for I’m quite sure that he’ll just now be coming out hence from in-doors.
ACROTELEUTIUM
With us your command is as good as law.
PALAESTRIO
Come, then, begone. But see, the door opens opportunely. The women go into the house of PERIPLECOMENUS.
Enter PYRGOPOLINICES from his house.
PYRGOPOLINICES
What I wished I have obtained just as I wished, on kind and friendly terms, that she would leave me.
PALAESTRIO
For what reason am I to say that you have been so long in-doors?
PYRGOPOLINICES
I never was so sensible that I was beloved by that woman as now.
PALAESTRIO
Why so?
PYRGOPOLINICES
How many words she did utter! How the matter was protracted! But in the end I obtained what I wanted, and I granted her what she wanted and what she asked of me. I made a present of you also to her.
PALAESTRIO
What — me, too? In what way shall I exist without you?
PYRGOPOLINICES
Come, be of good heart; I’ll make you free from exit, too. But I used all endeavours, if I could by any method persuade her to go away, and not take you with her, she forced me, however.