Complete Works of Plautus

Home > Other > Complete Works of Plautus > Page 67
Complete Works of Plautus Page 67

by Plautus

Troth now, what has happened, prithee?

  TRANIO

  The door made a noise. Was it he that was knocking?

  THEUROPIDES

  turning pale . I have not one drop of blood! Dead men are come to fetch me to Acheron, while alive!

  TRANIO

  aside . I’m undone! those people there will mar my plot. A noise is heard from within. How much I dread, lest he should catch me in the fact.

  THEUROPIDES

  What are you talking about to yourself? Goes near the door.

  TRANIO

  Do get away from the door. By heavens, fly, I do beseech you.

  THEUROPIDES

  Fly where? Fly yourself, as well.

  TRANIO

  I am not afraid: I am at peace with the dead.

  A VOICE

  from within . Hallo! Tranio.

  TRANIO

  in a low voice, near the door . You won’t be calling me, if you are wise. Aloud, as if speaking to the APPARITION. ’Tis not I that’s guilty; I did not knock at the door.

  THEUROPIDES

  Pray, what is it that’s wrong? What matter is agitating you, Tranio? To whom are you saying these things?

  TRANIO

  Prithee, was it you that called me? So may the Gods bless me, I fancied it was this dead man expostulating because you had knocked at the door. But are you still standing there, and not doing what I advise you?

  THEUROPIDES

  What am I to do?

  TRANIO

  Take care not to look back. Fly; cover up your head!

  THEUROPIDES

  Why don’t you fly?

  TRANIO

  I am at peace with the dead.

  THEUROPIDES

  I recollect. Why then were you so dreadfully alarmed just now?

  TRANIO

  Have no care for me, I tell you; I’ll see to myself. You, as you have begun to do, fly as quick as ever you can; Hercules, too, you will invoke.

  THEUROPIDES

  Hercules, I do invoke thee! Runs off.

  TRANIO

  to himself. And I, as well, old fellow, that; this day he’ll send some heavy mishap upon you. O ye immortal Gods, I do implore your aid. Plague on it! what a mess I have got into to-day. (Exit.)

  ACT III.

  Enter a BANKER, at the end of the stage.

  A BANKER.

  to himself . I never knew any year worse for money upon interest, than this year has turned out to me. From morning even until night, I spend my time in the Forum; I cannot lend out a coin of silver to any one. Enter TRANIO.

  TRANIO

  apart . Now, faith, I am clearly undone in an everlasting way! The Banker’s here who found the money with which his mistress was bought. The matter’s all out, unless I meet him a bit beforehand, so that the old man may not at present come to know of this. I’ll go meet him. But seeing THEUROPIDES I wonder why he has so soon betaken himself homeward again. I’m afraid that he has heard something about this affair. I’ll meet him, and accost him. But how dreadfully frightened I am! Nothing is more wretched than the mind of a man with a guilty conscience, such as possesses myself. But however this matter turns out, I’ll proceed to perplex it still further: so does this affair require. THEUROPIDES.

  TRANIO

  accosting him . Whence come you?

  THEUROPIDES

  I met that person from whom I bought this house.

  TRANIO

  Did you tell him anything about that which I was telling you?

  THEUROPIDES

  I’ faith, I certainly told him everything.

  TRANIO

  aside . Woe to unfortunate me! I’m afraid that my schemes are everlastingly undone!

  THEUROPIDES

  What is it you are saying to yourself?

  TRANIO

  Why nothing. But tell me, prithee, did you really tell him?

  THEUROPIDES

  I told him everything in its order, I tell you.

  TRANIO

  Does he, then, confess about the guest?

  THEUROPIDES

  Why no; he utterly denies it.

  TRANIO

  Does he deny it?

  THEUROPIDES

  Do you ask me again? I should tell you if he had confessed it. What now are you of opinion ought to be done?

  TRANIO

  What is my opinion? By my troth, I beg of you, appoint an arbitrator together with him; but take you care that you appoint one who will believe me; you’ll overcome him as easily as a fox eats a pear.

  A BANKER.

  to himself . But see, here’s Tranio, the servant of Philolaches, people who pay me neither interest nor principal on my money. Goes towards TRANIO, who steps forward to meet him.

  THEUROPIDES

  to TRANIO . Whither are you betaking yourself?

  TRANIO

  I’m going no whither. Aside. For sure, I am a wretch, a rascal, one born with all the Gods my foes! He’ll now be accosting me in the old man’s presence. Assuredly, I am a wretched man; in such a fashion both this way and that do they find business for me. But I’ll make haste and accost him. Moves towards the BANKER.

  A BANKER.

  apart . He’s coming towards me. I’m all right I’ve some hopes of my money; he’s smiling.

  TRANIO

  to himself . The fellow’s deceived. To the BANKER. I heartily bid you hail, my friend Saturides.

  A BANKER.

  And hail to you. What about the money?

  TRANIO

  Be off with you, will you, you brute. Directly you come, you commence the attack against me.

  A BANKER.

  apart . This fellow’s empty-handed.

  TRANIO

  overhearing him . This fellow’s surely a conjurer.

  A BANKER.

  But why don’t you put an end to this trifling?

  TRANIO

  Tell me, then, what it is you want.

  A BANKER.

  Where is Philolaches?

  TRANIO

  You never could have met me more opportunely than you have met me.

  A BANKER.

  How’s that?

  TRANIO

  taking him aside . Step this way.

  A BANKER.

  aloud . Why isn’t the money repaid me?

  TRANIO

  I know that you have a good voice; don’t bawl out so loud.

  A BANKER.

  aloud . I’ faith, I certainly shall bawl out.

  TRANIO

  O do humour me now.

  A BANKER.

  What do you want me to humour you in?

  TRANIO

  Prithee, be off hence home.

  A BANKER.

  Be off?

  TRANIO

  Return here about mid-day.

  A BANKER.

  Will the interest be paid then?

  TRANIO

  It will be paid. Be off.

  A BANKER.

  Why should I run to and fro here, or use or waste my pains? What if I remain here until mid-day in preference?

  TRANIO

  Why no; be off home. On my word, I’m telling the truth. Only do be off.

  A BANKER.

  aloud . Then do you pay me my interest. Why do you trifle with me this way?

  TRANIO

  Bravo! faith. Really now, do be off; do attend to me.

  A BANKER.

  aloud . I’ faith, I’ll call him now by name.

  TRANIO

  Bravo! stoutly done! Really you are quite rich now when you bawl out.

  A BANKER.

  aloud . I’m asking for my own. In this way you’ve been disappointing me for these many days past. If I’m troublesome, give me back the money; I’ll go away then. That expression puts an end to all replies.

  TRANIO

  pretending to offer it him . Then, take the principal.

  A BANKER.

  aloud . Why no, the interest; I want that first.

  TRANIO

  What? Have you, you
fellow most foul of all fellows, come here to burst yourself? Do what lies in your power. He’s not going to pay you; he doesn’t owe it.

  A BANKER.

  Not owe it?

  TRANIO

  Not a tittle, indeed, can you get from here. Would you prefer for him to go abroad, and leave the city in exile, driven hence for your sake? Why then, in preference let him pay the principal.

  A BANKER.

  But I don’t ask for it.

  THEUROPIDES

  calling out to TRANIO, from a distance . Hark you! you whip-knave, come back to me.

  TRANIO

  to THEUROPIDES . I’ll be there just now. To the BANKER. Don’t you be troublesome: no one’s going to pay you; do what you please. You are the only person, I suppose, that lends money upon interest. Moves towards THEUROPIDES.

  A BANKER.

  bawling aloud . Give me my interest! pay me my interest! you pay my interest! Are you going to give me my interest this instant? Give me my interest!

  TRANIO

  Interest here, interest there! The old rogue knows how to talk about nothing but interest. I do not think that ever I saw any beast more vile than you.

  A BANKER.

  Upon my faith, you don’t alarm me now with those expressions. This is of a hot nature; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly.

  TRANIO

  Don’t you be troublesome; no one’s going to pay you; do what you please. You are the only person, I suppose, that lends money upon interest.

  THEUROPIDES

  to TRANIO . Pray, what interest is this that he is asking for?

  TRANIO

  in a low voice, to the BANKER . Look now; his father has arrived from abroad, not long since; he’ll pay you both interest and principal; don’t you then attempt any further to make us your enemies. See whether he puts you off.

  A BANKER.

  Nay but, I’ll take it, if anything’s offered.

  THEUROPIDES

  to TRANIO, coming towards him . What do you say, then —— ?

  TRANIO

  What is it you mean?

  THEUROPIDES

  Who is this? What is he asking for? Why is he thus rudely speaking of my son Philolaches in this way, and giving you abuse to your face? What’s owing him?

  TRANIO

  to THEUROPIDES . I beg of you, do order the money to be thrown in the face of this dirty brute.

  THEUROPIDES

  I, order it?

  TRANIO

  Order the fellow’s face to be pelted with money.

  A BANKER.

  coming nearer . I could very well put up with a pelting with money.

  THEUROPIDES

  to TRANIO . What money’s this?

  TRANIO

  Philolaches owes this person a little.

  THEUROPIDES

  How much?

  TRANIO

  About forty minæ.

  A BANKER.

  to THEUROPIDES . Really, don’t think much of that; it’s a trifle, in fact.

  TRANIO

  Don’t you hear him? Troth now, prithee, doesn’t he seem just suited to be a Banker — a generation that’s most roguish?

  THEUROPIDES

  I don’t care, just now, for that, who he is or whence he is; this I want to be told me, this I very much wish to know — I heard from him that there was interest owing on the money as well.

  TRANIO

  Forty-four minæ are due to him. Say that you’ll pay it, that he may be off.

  THEUROPIDES

  I, say that I’ll pay it?

  TRANIO

  Do say so.

  THEUROPIDES

  What, I?

  TRANIO

  You yourself. Do only say so. Do be guided by me. Do promise. Come now, I say; I beg of you.

  THEUROPIDES

  Answer me; what has been done with this money?

  TRANIO

  It’s safe.

  THEUROPIDES

  Pay it yourselves then, if it’s safe,

  TRANIO

  Your son has bought a house.

  THEUROPIDES

  A house?

  TRANIO

  A house.

  THEUROPIDES

  Bravo! Philolaches is taking after his father! The fellow now turns to merchandize. A house, say you?

  TRANIO

  A house, I tell you. But do you know of what sort?

  THEUROPIDES

  How can I know?

  TRANIO

  Out with you!

  THEUROPIDES

  What’s the matter?

  TRANIO

  Don’t ask me that.

  THEUROPIDES

  But why so?

  TRANIO

  Bright as a mirror, pure brilliancy itself.

  THEUROPIDES

  Excellently done, upon my faith! Well, how much did he agree to give for it?

  TRANIO

  As many great talents as you and I put together make; but these forty minæ he paid by way of earnest. Pointing to the BANKER. From him he received what we paid the other man. Do you quite understand? For after this house was in such a state as I mentioned to you, he at once purchased another house for himself.

  THEUROPIDES

  Excellently done, upon my faith!

  A BANKER.

  touching TRANIO . Hark you. Mid-day is now close at hand.

  TRANIO

  Prithee, do dismiss this puking fellow, that he mayn’t worry us to death. Forty-four minæ are due to him, both principal and interest.

  A BANKER.

  ’Tis just that much; I ask for nothing more.

  TRANIO

  Upon my faith, I really could have wished that you had asked more, if only by a single coin.

  THEUROPIDES

  to the BANKER . Young man, transact the business with me.

  A BANKER.

  I’m to ask it of you, you mean?

  THEUROPIDES

  Come for it to-morrow.

  A BANKER.

  I’ll be off, then; I’m quite satisfied if I get it tomorrow. (Exit.)

  TRANIO

  aside . A plague may all the Gods and Goddesses send upon him! so utterly has he disarranged my plans. On my word, no class of men is there more disgusting, or less acquainted with fair dealing than the banking race.

  THEUROPIDES

  In what neighbourhood did my son buy this house?

  TRANIO

  aside . Just see that, now! I’m undone!

  THEUROPIDES

  Are you going to tell me that which I ask you?

  TRANIO

  I’ll tell you; but I’m thinking what was the name of the owner. Pretends to think.

  THEUROPIDES

  Well, call it to mind, then.

  TRANIO

  aside . What am I to do now, except put the lie upon this neighbour of ours next door? I’ll say that his son has bought that house. I’ faith, I’ve heard say that a lie piping-hot is the best lie; this is piping-hot; although it is at a distance off, it scorches badly. Whatever the Gods dictate, that am I determined to say.

  THEUROPIDES

  Well now? Have you recollected it by this?

  TRANIO

  aside . May the Gods confound that fellow! — no this other fellow, rather. To THEUROPIDES. Your son has bought the house of this next-door neighbour of yours.

  THEUROPIDES

  In real truth?

  TRANIO

  If, indeed, you are going to pay down the money, then in real truth; if you are not going to pay it, in real truth he has not bought it.

  THEUROPIDES

  He hasn’t bought it in a very good situation.

  TRANIO

  Why yes, in a very good one.

  THEUROPIDES

  I’ faith, I should like to look over this house; just knock at the door, and call some one to you from within, Tranio.

  TRANIO

  aside . Why just look now, again I don’t know what I’m to say. Once more, now, are the surge
s bearing me upon the self-same rock. What now? I’ faith, I can’t discover what I am now to do; I’m caught in the fact.

  THEUROPIDES

  Just call some one out of doors; ask him to show us round.

  TRANIO

  going to the door of SIMO’S house . Hallo there, you! Turning round But there are ladies here; we must first see whether they are willing or unwilling.

  THEUROPIDES

  You say what’s good and proper; just make enquiry, and ask. I’ll wait here outside until you come out.

  TRANIO

  aside . May all the Gods and Goddesses utterly confound you, old gentleman! in such a fashion are you thwarting my artful plans in every way. Bravo! very good! Look, Simo himself, the owner of the house, is coming out of doors. I’ll step aside here, until I have convened the senate of council in my mind. Then, when I’ve discovered what I am to do, I’ll join him. THEUROPIDES and TRANIO stand at a distance from SIMO’S house, in opposite directions, THEUROPIDES being out of sight.

  Enter SIMO, from his house.

  SIMO

  to himself . I’ve not enjoyed myself better at home this year than I have to-day, nor has at any time any meal pleased me better. My wife provided a very nice breakfast for me; now she bids me go take a nap. By no means! It instantly struck me that it didn’t so happen by chance. She provided a better breakfast than is her wont; and then, the old lady wanted to draw me away to my chamber. Sleep is not good after breakfast — out upon it! I secretly stole away from the house, out of doors. My wife, I’m sure, is now quite bursting with rage at home.

  TRANIO

  apart . A sore mischance is provided for this old fellow by the evening; for he must both dine and go to bed in-doors in sorry fashion.

  SIMO

  continuing . The more I reflect upon it in my mind: if any person has a dowried wife, sleep has no charms for him. I detest going to take a nap. It’s a settled matter with me to be off to the Forum from here, rather than nap it at home. And, i’ faith to the AUDIENCE , I don’t know how your wives are in their behaviour; this wife of mine, I know right well how badly she treats me, and that she will prove more annoying to me hereafter than she has been.

  TRANIO

  apart . If your escape, old gentleman, turns out amiss, there’ll be no reason for you to be accusing any one of the Gods; by very good right, you may justly lay the blame upon yourself. It’s time now for me to accost this old fellow. ’Tis down upon him. I’ve hit upon a plan whereby to cajole the old fellow, by means of which to drive grief away from me. I’ll accost him. Accosting him. May the Gods, Simo, send on you many blessings! Takes him by the hand.

  SIMO

  Save you, Tranio!

  TRANIO

  How fare you?

  SIMO

  Not amiss. What are you about?

 

‹ Prev