Complete Works of Plautus

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Complete Works of Plautus Page 68

by Plautus

TRANIO

  Holding by the hand a very worthy man.

  SIMO

  You act in a friendly way, in speaking well of me.

  TRANIO

  It certainly is your due.

  SIMO

  But, i’ faith, in you I don’t hold a good servant by the hand.

  THEUROPIDES

  calling from a distance, where he is not perceived by SIMO . Hark you! you whip-knave, come back to me.

  TRANIO

  turning round . I’ll be there just now.

  SIMO

  Well now, how soon —— ?

  TRANIO

  What is it?

  SIMO

  The usual goings-on.

  TRANIO

  Tell me then, these usual goings-on, what are they?

  SIMO

  The way that you yourselves proceed. But, Tranio, to say the truth, according as men are, it so befits you to humour them; reflecting, at the same time, how short life is.

  TRANIO

  What of all this? Dear me, at last, after some difficulty, I perceive that you are talking about these goings-on of ours.

  SIMO

  I’ faith, you people are living a merry life, just as befits you: on wine, good cheer, nice dainty fish, you enjoy life.

  TRANIO

  Why yes, so it was in time past, indeed; but now these things have come to an end all at once.

  SIMO

  How so?

  TRANIO

  So utterly, Simo, are we all undone!

  SIMO

  Won’t you hold your tongue? Everything has gone on prosperously with you hitherto.

  TRANIO

  I don’t deny that it has been as you say; undoubtedly, we have lived heartily, just as we pleased; but, Simo, in such a way has the breeze now forsaken our ship ——

  SIMO

  What’s the matter? In what way?

  TRANIO

  In a most shocking way.

  SIMO

  What, wasn’t it hauled ashorein safety?

  TRANIO

  Ah me!

  SIMO

  What’s the matter?

  TRANIO

  Ah wretched me! I’m utterly undone!

  SIMO

  How so?

  TRANIO

  Because a ship has come, to smash the hull of our ship.

  SIMO

  I would wish as you would wish, Tranio, for your own sake. But what is the matter? Do inform me.

  TRANIO

  I will inform you. My master has arrived from abroad.

  SIMO

  In that case, the cord will be stretched for you; thence to the place where iron fetters clink; after that, straight to the cross.

  TRANIO

  Now, by your knees, I do implore you, don’t give information to my master.

  SIMO

  Don’t you fear; he shall know nothing from me.

  TRANIO

  Blessings on you, my patron.

  SIMO

  I don’t care for clients of this description for myself.

  TRANIO

  Now as to this about which our old gentleman has sent me.

  SIMO

  First answer me this that I ask you. As yet, has your old gentleman discovered anything of these matters?

  TRANIO

  Nothing whatever.

  SIMO

  Has he censured his son at all?

  TRANIO

  He is as calm as the calm weather is wont to be. Now he has requested me most earnestly to beg this of you, that leave may be given him to see over this house of yours.

  SIMO

  It’s not for sale.

  TRANIO

  I know that indeed; but the old gentleman wishes to build a woman’s apartment here in his own house, baths, too, and a piazza, and a porch.

  SIMO

  What has he been dreaming of?

  TRANIO

  I’ll tell you. He wishes to give his son a wife as soon as he can; for that purpose he wants a new apartment for the women. But he says that some builder, I don’t know who, has been praising up to him this house of yours, as being remarkably well built; now he’s desirous to take a model from it, if you don’t make any objection ——

  SIMO

  Indeed, he is really choosing a plan for himself from a piece of poor workmanship.

  TRANIO

  It was because he heard that here the summer heat was much modified; that this house was wont to be inhabited each day all day long.

  SIMO

  Why really, upon my faith, on the contrary, while there’s shade in every direction, in spite of it, the sun is always here from morning till night: he stands, like a dun, continually at the door; and I have no shade anywhere, unless, perhaps, there may be some in the well.

  TRANIO

  Well now, have you one from Sarsina, if you have no woman of Umbria?

  SIMO

  Don’t be impertinent. It is just as I tell you.

  TRANIO

  Still, he wishes to look over it.

  SIMO

  He may look over it, if he likes. If there is anything that takes his fancy, let him build after my plan.

  TRANIO

  Am I to go and call this person hither?

  SIMO

  Go and call him.

  TRANIO

  (to himself, as he goes to the other side of the stage to call THEUROPIDES). They say that Alexander the Great and Agathocles achieved two very great exploits; what shall be the lot of myself, a third, who, unaided, am achieving deeds imperishable? This old fellow is carrying his pack-saddle, the other one, as well. I’ve hit upon a novel trade for myself, not a bad one; whereas muleteers have mules to carry pack-saddles; I’ve got men to carry the pack-saddles. They are able to carry heavy burdens; whatever you put upon them, they carry. Now, I don’t know whether I am to address him. I’ll accost him, however. Calling aloud. Hark you, Theuropides!

  THEUROPIDES

  coming forward . Well; who’s calling me?

  TRANIO

  A servant most attached to his master. Where you sent me, I got it all agreed to.

  THEUROPIDES

  Prithee, why did you stay there so long?

  TRANIO

  The old gentleman hadn’t leisure; I was waiting until then.

  THEUROPIDES

  You keep up that old way of yours, of being tardy.

  TRANIO

  Hark you! if you please reflect upon this proverb: to blow and swallow at the same moment isn’t easy to be done; I couldn’t be here and there at the same time.

  THEUROPIDES

  What now?

  TRANIO

  Come and look, and inspect it at your own pleasure.

  THEUROPIDES

  Very well, you go before me.

  TRANIO

  Am I delaying to do so?

  THEUROPIDES

  I’ll follow after you.

  TRANIO

  as they advance . Look, the old gentleman himself is awaiting you before the door, but he is concerned that he has sold this house.

  THEUROPIDES

  Why so?

  TRANIO

  He begs me to persuade Philolaches to let him off.

  THEUROPIDES

  I don’t think he will. Each man reaps on his own farm. If it had been bought dear, we shouldn’t have had permission to return it on his hands. Whatever profit there is, it’s proper to bring it home. It don’t, now-a-days, befit men to be showing compassion.

  TRANIO

  I’ faith, you are losing time while you are talking. Follow me.

  THEUROPIDES

  Be it so.

  TRANIO

  to THEUROPIDES . I’ll give you my services. Pointing. There’s the old gentleman. To SIMO. Well now, I’ve brought you this person.

  SIMO

  I’m glad that you’ve arrived safely from abroad, Theuropides.

  THEUROPIDES

  May the Gods bless you.

  SIMO

  Your servant was telli
ng me that you were desirous to look over this house.

  THEUROPIDES

  Unless it’s inconvenient to you.

  SIMO

  Oh no; quite convenient. Do step in-doors and look over it.

  THEUROPIDES

  pausing . But yet — the ladies ——

  SIMO

  Take you care not to trouble yourself a straw about any lady. Walk in every direction, wherever you like, all over the house just as though it were your own.

  THEUROPIDES

  apart to TRANIO . “Just as though —— ?”

  TRANIO

  whispering . Oh, take care that you don’t throw it in his teeth now in his concern, that you have bought it. Don’t you see him, how sad a countenance the old gentleman has?

  THEUROPIDES

  apart . I see. TRA. apart . Then don’t seem to exult, and to be overmuch delighted; in fact, don’t make mention that you’ve bought it.

  THEUROPIDES

  apart . I understand; and I think you’ve given good advice, and that it shows a humane disposition. Turning to SIMO. What now?

  SIMO

  Won’t you go in? Look over it at your leisure, just as you like.

  THEUROPIDES

  I consider that you are acting civilly and kindly.

  SIMO

  Troth, I wish to do so. Should you like some one to show you over.

  THEUROPIDES

  Away with any one to show me over. I don’t want him.

  SIMO

  Why? What’s the matter?

  THEUROPIDES

  I’ll go wrong, rather than any one should show me over.

  TRANIO

  pointing . Don’t you see, this vestibule before the house, and the piazza, of what a compass it is?

  THEUROPIDES

  Troth, really handsome!

  TRANIO

  Well, look now. what pillars there are, with what strength they are built, and of what a thickness.

  THEUROPIDES

  I don’t think that I ever saw handsomer pillars.

  SIMO

  I’ faith, they were some time since bought by me at such a price!

  TRANIO

  aside, whispering . Don’t you hear— “They were once”? He seems hardly able to refrain from tears.

  THEUROPIDES

  At what price did you purchase them?

  SIMO

  I gave three minæ for the two, besides the carriage, He retires to some distance.

  THEUROPIDES

  after looking close at them, to TRANIO . Why, upon my word, they are much more unsound than I thought them at first.

  TRANIO

  Why so?

  THEUROPIDES

  Because, i’ faith, the woodworm has split them both from the bottom.

  TRANIO

  I think they were cut at an improper season; that fault damages them; but even as it is, they are quite good enough, if they are covered with pitch. But it was no foreign pulse-eating artisan did this work. Don’t you see the joints in the door? Pointing.

  THEUROPIDES

  I see them.

  TRANIO

  Look, how close together they are sleeping.

  THEUROPIDES

  Sleeping?

  TRANIO

  That is, how they wink, I intended to say. Are you satisfied?

  THEUROPIDES

  The more I look at each particular, the more it pleases me.

  TRANIO

  pointing . Don’t you see the painting, where one crow is baffling two vultures? The crow stands there; it’s pecking at them both in turn. This way, look, prithee, towards me, that yon may be able to see the crow. THEUROPIDES turns towards him. Now do you see it?

  THEUROPIDES

  looking about . For my part, I really see no crow there.

  TRANIO

  But do you look in that direction, towards yourselves, since you cannot discover the crow, if perchance you may be able to espy the vultures. THEUROPIDES turns towards SIMO. Now do you see them?

  THEUROPIDES

  Upon my faith, I don’t see them.

  TRANIO

  But I can see two vultures.

  THEUROPIDES

  To make an end of it with you, I don’t see any bird at all painted here.

  TRANIO

  Well then, I give it up. I excuse you; it is through age you cannot see.

  THEUROPIDES

  These things which I can see, really they do all please me mightily.

  SIMO

  coming forward . Now, at length, it’s worth your while to move further on. THEU. Troth, you give good advice.

  SIMO

  calling at the door . Ho there, boy! take this person round this house and the apartments. But I myself would have shown you round, if I hadn’t had business at the Forum.

  THEUROPIDES

  Away with any one to show me over. I don’t want to be shown over. Whatever it is, I’d rather go wrong than any one should show me over.

  SIMO

  The house I’m speaking of.

  THEUROPIDES

  Then I’ll go in without any one to show me over.

  SIMO

  Go, by all means.

  THEUROPIDES

  I’ll go in-doors, then.

  TRANIO

  holding him back . Stop, please; let me see whether the dog ——

  THEUROPIDES

  Very well then, look. TRANIO looks into the passage.

  TRANIO

  There is one.

  THEUROPIDES

  looking in . Where is it?

  TRANIO

  to the dog . Be off and be hanged! ‘St, won’t you be off to utter perdition with you? What, do you still linger? ‘St, away with you from here!

  SIMO

  coming nearer to the door . There’s no danger. You only move on. It’s as gentle as a woman in childbed. You may boldly step in-doors wherever you like. I’m going hence to the Forum.

  THEUROPIDES

  You’ve acted obligingly. Good speed to you. Exit SIMO. Tranio, come, make that dog move away from the door inside, although it isn’t to be feared.

  TRANIO

  Nay but pointing , you look at it, how gently it lies. Unless you’d like yourself to appear troublesome and cowardly ——

  THEUROPIDES

  Very well, just as you like.

  TRANIO

  Follow me this way then.

  THEUROPIDES

  For my part, I shall not move in any direction from your feet. They go into the house.

  ACT IV.

  Enter PHANISCUS.

  PHANISCUS

  to himself . Servants who, though they are free from fault, still stand in awe of punishment, those same are wont to be serviceable to their masters. But those who fear nothing, after they have merited punishment, hit upon foolish plans for themselves: they exercise themselves in running; they take to flight. But, if they are caught, they acquire from punishment a hoard, which by good means they cannot. They increase from a very little, and from that they lay by a treasure. The resolution that’s in my mind is to be determined to be on my guard against punishment, before my back comes to lose its state of soundness. As hitherto it has been, so does it become my hide still to be, without a bruise, and such that I should decline its being beaten. If I have any control over it, I shall keep it well covered up. When punishment is being showered down on others, don’t let it be showered down on me. But as servants wish their master to be, such is he wont to be. He is good to the good, bad to the bad. But now at our house at home there do live so many rogues, lavish of their property, bearers of stripes. When they are called to go fetch their master, “I shan’t go; don’t be plaguing me; I know where you are hurrying off to,” is the reply. “Now, faith, you mule, you’re longing to go to pasturage out of doors.” With better deserts, this advantage have I reaped from them, and, in consequence, I have come from home. I alone, out of so many servants, am going to fetch my master. When, to-morrow, my master comes to know this, in the morni
ng he will chastise them with bull’s-hide spoils. In fine, I care less for their backs than for my own. Much rather shall they be bull’s-hide-scourged than I be rope-scourged. Moves on.

  Enter a SERVANT.

  ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.

  Hold you and stop this instant. Phaniscus! look round, I say!

  PHANISCUS

  not turning round . Don’t be annoying to me.

  ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.

  Do see how scornful the monkey is!

  PHANISCUS

  I am so for myself; I choose to be. Why do you trouble yourself about it? Walking on.

  ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.

  Are you going to stop this instant, you dirty parasite?

  PHANISCUS

  turning round . How am I a parasite?

  ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.

  Why, I’ll tell you: you can be drawn anywhere by victuals. Do you give yourself airs, because your master’s so fond of you?

  PHANISCUS

  rubbing his eyes . O dear, my eyes do ache.

  ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.

  Why so?

  PHANISCUS

  Because the smoke’s so troublesome.

  ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.

  Hold your tongue, will you, you clever workman, who are in the habit of coining money out of lead.

  PHANISCUS

  You cannot compel me to be abusive to you. My master knows me.

  ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.

  Why, really, his own pillow he ought to know, for resting on when drunk.

  PHANISCUS

  If you were sober, you wouldn’t be abusive.

  ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.

  Am I to give heed to you, when you won’t to me.

  PHANISCUS

  But, you rascal, you come along with me to fetch him.

  ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.

  Troth now, Phaniscus, prithee, do leave off talking about these matters.

  PHANISCUS

  I’ll do so, and knock at the door. Knocks at the door of the house of THEUROPIDES. Hallo there! is there any person here to protect this door from a most serious injury? Knocking again. Is any one, is any one, I say, coming out here and going to open it? Why, really, no one comes out here. Just as befits such worthless fellows, so they are. But on that account, I’ve the more need to be cautious that no one may come out and use me ill. They stand aside.

  Enter TRANIO and THEUROPIDES, from the house of SIMO.

  TRANIO

  What’s your opinion of this bargain?

  THEUROPIDES

  I am quite delighted.

  TRANIO

  Does it seem to you to have been bought too dear?

  THEUROPIDES

  I’ faith, I’m sure that I never anywhere saw a house thrown away, this one only excepted.

 

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