Complete Works of Plautus
Page 68
TRANIO
Holding by the hand a very worthy man.
SIMO
You act in a friendly way, in speaking well of me.
TRANIO
It certainly is your due.
SIMO
But, i’ faith, in you I don’t hold a good servant by the hand.
THEUROPIDES
calling from a distance, where he is not perceived by SIMO . Hark you! you whip-knave, come back to me.
TRANIO
turning round . I’ll be there just now.
SIMO
Well now, how soon —— ?
TRANIO
What is it?
SIMO
The usual goings-on.
TRANIO
Tell me then, these usual goings-on, what are they?
SIMO
The way that you yourselves proceed. But, Tranio, to say the truth, according as men are, it so befits you to humour them; reflecting, at the same time, how short life is.
TRANIO
What of all this? Dear me, at last, after some difficulty, I perceive that you are talking about these goings-on of ours.
SIMO
I’ faith, you people are living a merry life, just as befits you: on wine, good cheer, nice dainty fish, you enjoy life.
TRANIO
Why yes, so it was in time past, indeed; but now these things have come to an end all at once.
SIMO
How so?
TRANIO
So utterly, Simo, are we all undone!
SIMO
Won’t you hold your tongue? Everything has gone on prosperously with you hitherto.
TRANIO
I don’t deny that it has been as you say; undoubtedly, we have lived heartily, just as we pleased; but, Simo, in such a way has the breeze now forsaken our ship ——
SIMO
What’s the matter? In what way?
TRANIO
In a most shocking way.
SIMO
What, wasn’t it hauled ashorein safety?
TRANIO
Ah me!
SIMO
What’s the matter?
TRANIO
Ah wretched me! I’m utterly undone!
SIMO
How so?
TRANIO
Because a ship has come, to smash the hull of our ship.
SIMO
I would wish as you would wish, Tranio, for your own sake. But what is the matter? Do inform me.
TRANIO
I will inform you. My master has arrived from abroad.
SIMO
In that case, the cord will be stretched for you; thence to the place where iron fetters clink; after that, straight to the cross.
TRANIO
Now, by your knees, I do implore you, don’t give information to my master.
SIMO
Don’t you fear; he shall know nothing from me.
TRANIO
Blessings on you, my patron.
SIMO
I don’t care for clients of this description for myself.
TRANIO
Now as to this about which our old gentleman has sent me.
SIMO
First answer me this that I ask you. As yet, has your old gentleman discovered anything of these matters?
TRANIO
Nothing whatever.
SIMO
Has he censured his son at all?
TRANIO
He is as calm as the calm weather is wont to be. Now he has requested me most earnestly to beg this of you, that leave may be given him to see over this house of yours.
SIMO
It’s not for sale.
TRANIO
I know that indeed; but the old gentleman wishes to build a woman’s apartment here in his own house, baths, too, and a piazza, and a porch.
SIMO
What has he been dreaming of?
TRANIO
I’ll tell you. He wishes to give his son a wife as soon as he can; for that purpose he wants a new apartment for the women. But he says that some builder, I don’t know who, has been praising up to him this house of yours, as being remarkably well built; now he’s desirous to take a model from it, if you don’t make any objection ——
SIMO
Indeed, he is really choosing a plan for himself from a piece of poor workmanship.
TRANIO
It was because he heard that here the summer heat was much modified; that this house was wont to be inhabited each day all day long.
SIMO
Why really, upon my faith, on the contrary, while there’s shade in every direction, in spite of it, the sun is always here from morning till night: he stands, like a dun, continually at the door; and I have no shade anywhere, unless, perhaps, there may be some in the well.
TRANIO
Well now, have you one from Sarsina, if you have no woman of Umbria?
SIMO
Don’t be impertinent. It is just as I tell you.
TRANIO
Still, he wishes to look over it.
SIMO
He may look over it, if he likes. If there is anything that takes his fancy, let him build after my plan.
TRANIO
Am I to go and call this person hither?
SIMO
Go and call him.
TRANIO
(to himself, as he goes to the other side of the stage to call THEUROPIDES). They say that Alexander the Great and Agathocles achieved two very great exploits; what shall be the lot of myself, a third, who, unaided, am achieving deeds imperishable? This old fellow is carrying his pack-saddle, the other one, as well. I’ve hit upon a novel trade for myself, not a bad one; whereas muleteers have mules to carry pack-saddles; I’ve got men to carry the pack-saddles. They are able to carry heavy burdens; whatever you put upon them, they carry. Now, I don’t know whether I am to address him. I’ll accost him, however. Calling aloud. Hark you, Theuropides!
THEUROPIDES
coming forward . Well; who’s calling me?
TRANIO
A servant most attached to his master. Where you sent me, I got it all agreed to.
THEUROPIDES
Prithee, why did you stay there so long?
TRANIO
The old gentleman hadn’t leisure; I was waiting until then.
THEUROPIDES
You keep up that old way of yours, of being tardy.
TRANIO
Hark you! if you please reflect upon this proverb: to blow and swallow at the same moment isn’t easy to be done; I couldn’t be here and there at the same time.
THEUROPIDES
What now?
TRANIO
Come and look, and inspect it at your own pleasure.
THEUROPIDES
Very well, you go before me.
TRANIO
Am I delaying to do so?
THEUROPIDES
I’ll follow after you.
TRANIO
as they advance . Look, the old gentleman himself is awaiting you before the door, but he is concerned that he has sold this house.
THEUROPIDES
Why so?
TRANIO
He begs me to persuade Philolaches to let him off.
THEUROPIDES
I don’t think he will. Each man reaps on his own farm. If it had been bought dear, we shouldn’t have had permission to return it on his hands. Whatever profit there is, it’s proper to bring it home. It don’t, now-a-days, befit men to be showing compassion.
TRANIO
I’ faith, you are losing time while you are talking. Follow me.
THEUROPIDES
Be it so.
TRANIO
to THEUROPIDES . I’ll give you my services. Pointing. There’s the old gentleman. To SIMO. Well now, I’ve brought you this person.
SIMO
I’m glad that you’ve arrived safely from abroad, Theuropides.
THEUROPIDES
May the Gods bless you.
SIMO
Your servant was telli
ng me that you were desirous to look over this house.
THEUROPIDES
Unless it’s inconvenient to you.
SIMO
Oh no; quite convenient. Do step in-doors and look over it.
THEUROPIDES
pausing . But yet — the ladies ——
SIMO
Take you care not to trouble yourself a straw about any lady. Walk in every direction, wherever you like, all over the house just as though it were your own.
THEUROPIDES
apart to TRANIO . “Just as though —— ?”
TRANIO
whispering . Oh, take care that you don’t throw it in his teeth now in his concern, that you have bought it. Don’t you see him, how sad a countenance the old gentleman has?
THEUROPIDES
apart . I see. TRA. apart . Then don’t seem to exult, and to be overmuch delighted; in fact, don’t make mention that you’ve bought it.
THEUROPIDES
apart . I understand; and I think you’ve given good advice, and that it shows a humane disposition. Turning to SIMO. What now?
SIMO
Won’t you go in? Look over it at your leisure, just as you like.
THEUROPIDES
I consider that you are acting civilly and kindly.
SIMO
Troth, I wish to do so. Should you like some one to show you over.
THEUROPIDES
Away with any one to show me over. I don’t want him.
SIMO
Why? What’s the matter?
THEUROPIDES
I’ll go wrong, rather than any one should show me over.
TRANIO
pointing . Don’t you see, this vestibule before the house, and the piazza, of what a compass it is?
THEUROPIDES
Troth, really handsome!
TRANIO
Well, look now. what pillars there are, with what strength they are built, and of what a thickness.
THEUROPIDES
I don’t think that I ever saw handsomer pillars.
SIMO
I’ faith, they were some time since bought by me at such a price!
TRANIO
aside, whispering . Don’t you hear— “They were once”? He seems hardly able to refrain from tears.
THEUROPIDES
At what price did you purchase them?
SIMO
I gave three minæ for the two, besides the carriage, He retires to some distance.
THEUROPIDES
after looking close at them, to TRANIO . Why, upon my word, they are much more unsound than I thought them at first.
TRANIO
Why so?
THEUROPIDES
Because, i’ faith, the woodworm has split them both from the bottom.
TRANIO
I think they were cut at an improper season; that fault damages them; but even as it is, they are quite good enough, if they are covered with pitch. But it was no foreign pulse-eating artisan did this work. Don’t you see the joints in the door? Pointing.
THEUROPIDES
I see them.
TRANIO
Look, how close together they are sleeping.
THEUROPIDES
Sleeping?
TRANIO
That is, how they wink, I intended to say. Are you satisfied?
THEUROPIDES
The more I look at each particular, the more it pleases me.
TRANIO
pointing . Don’t you see the painting, where one crow is baffling two vultures? The crow stands there; it’s pecking at them both in turn. This way, look, prithee, towards me, that yon may be able to see the crow. THEUROPIDES turns towards him. Now do you see it?
THEUROPIDES
looking about . For my part, I really see no crow there.
TRANIO
But do you look in that direction, towards yourselves, since you cannot discover the crow, if perchance you may be able to espy the vultures. THEUROPIDES turns towards SIMO. Now do you see them?
THEUROPIDES
Upon my faith, I don’t see them.
TRANIO
But I can see two vultures.
THEUROPIDES
To make an end of it with you, I don’t see any bird at all painted here.
TRANIO
Well then, I give it up. I excuse you; it is through age you cannot see.
THEUROPIDES
These things which I can see, really they do all please me mightily.
SIMO
coming forward . Now, at length, it’s worth your while to move further on. THEU. Troth, you give good advice.
SIMO
calling at the door . Ho there, boy! take this person round this house and the apartments. But I myself would have shown you round, if I hadn’t had business at the Forum.
THEUROPIDES
Away with any one to show me over. I don’t want to be shown over. Whatever it is, I’d rather go wrong than any one should show me over.
SIMO
The house I’m speaking of.
THEUROPIDES
Then I’ll go in without any one to show me over.
SIMO
Go, by all means.
THEUROPIDES
I’ll go in-doors, then.
TRANIO
holding him back . Stop, please; let me see whether the dog ——
THEUROPIDES
Very well then, look. TRANIO looks into the passage.
TRANIO
There is one.
THEUROPIDES
looking in . Where is it?
TRANIO
to the dog . Be off and be hanged! ‘St, won’t you be off to utter perdition with you? What, do you still linger? ‘St, away with you from here!
SIMO
coming nearer to the door . There’s no danger. You only move on. It’s as gentle as a woman in childbed. You may boldly step in-doors wherever you like. I’m going hence to the Forum.
THEUROPIDES
You’ve acted obligingly. Good speed to you. Exit SIMO. Tranio, come, make that dog move away from the door inside, although it isn’t to be feared.
TRANIO
Nay but pointing , you look at it, how gently it lies. Unless you’d like yourself to appear troublesome and cowardly ——
THEUROPIDES
Very well, just as you like.
TRANIO
Follow me this way then.
THEUROPIDES
For my part, I shall not move in any direction from your feet. They go into the house.
ACT IV.
Enter PHANISCUS.
PHANISCUS
to himself . Servants who, though they are free from fault, still stand in awe of punishment, those same are wont to be serviceable to their masters. But those who fear nothing, after they have merited punishment, hit upon foolish plans for themselves: they exercise themselves in running; they take to flight. But, if they are caught, they acquire from punishment a hoard, which by good means they cannot. They increase from a very little, and from that they lay by a treasure. The resolution that’s in my mind is to be determined to be on my guard against punishment, before my back comes to lose its state of soundness. As hitherto it has been, so does it become my hide still to be, without a bruise, and such that I should decline its being beaten. If I have any control over it, I shall keep it well covered up. When punishment is being showered down on others, don’t let it be showered down on me. But as servants wish their master to be, such is he wont to be. He is good to the good, bad to the bad. But now at our house at home there do live so many rogues, lavish of their property, bearers of stripes. When they are called to go fetch their master, “I shan’t go; don’t be plaguing me; I know where you are hurrying off to,” is the reply. “Now, faith, you mule, you’re longing to go to pasturage out of doors.” With better deserts, this advantage have I reaped from them, and, in consequence, I have come from home. I alone, out of so many servants, am going to fetch my master. When, to-morrow, my master comes to know this, in the morni
ng he will chastise them with bull’s-hide spoils. In fine, I care less for their backs than for my own. Much rather shall they be bull’s-hide-scourged than I be rope-scourged. Moves on.
Enter a SERVANT.
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
Hold you and stop this instant. Phaniscus! look round, I say!
PHANISCUS
not turning round . Don’t be annoying to me.
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
Do see how scornful the monkey is!
PHANISCUS
I am so for myself; I choose to be. Why do you trouble yourself about it? Walking on.
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
Are you going to stop this instant, you dirty parasite?
PHANISCUS
turning round . How am I a parasite?
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
Why, I’ll tell you: you can be drawn anywhere by victuals. Do you give yourself airs, because your master’s so fond of you?
PHANISCUS
rubbing his eyes . O dear, my eyes do ache.
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
Why so?
PHANISCUS
Because the smoke’s so troublesome.
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
Hold your tongue, will you, you clever workman, who are in the habit of coining money out of lead.
PHANISCUS
You cannot compel me to be abusive to you. My master knows me.
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
Why, really, his own pillow he ought to know, for resting on when drunk.
PHANISCUS
If you were sober, you wouldn’t be abusive.
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
Am I to give heed to you, when you won’t to me.
PHANISCUS
But, you rascal, you come along with me to fetch him.
ANOTHER SERVANT of Callidamates.
Troth now, Phaniscus, prithee, do leave off talking about these matters.
PHANISCUS
I’ll do so, and knock at the door. Knocks at the door of the house of THEUROPIDES. Hallo there! is there any person here to protect this door from a most serious injury? Knocking again. Is any one, is any one, I say, coming out here and going to open it? Why, really, no one comes out here. Just as befits such worthless fellows, so they are. But on that account, I’ve the more need to be cautious that no one may come out and use me ill. They stand aside.
Enter TRANIO and THEUROPIDES, from the house of SIMO.
TRANIO
What’s your opinion of this bargain?
THEUROPIDES
I am quite delighted.
TRANIO
Does it seem to you to have been bought too dear?
THEUROPIDES
I’ faith, I’m sure that I never anywhere saw a house thrown away, this one only excepted.