by Plautus
AGORASTOCLES
apart . They are going. What if we accost them?
MILPHIO
apart . You accost them.
AGORASTOCLES
going towards them . In the first place, health to you, the elder; and you, the younger, health to you in the second degree of estimation; to the ATTENDANT you, the third, health to you, without any place in my estimation.
ATT.
In that case, faith, I’ve wasted my oil and my labour.
AGORASTOCLES
to ADELPHASIUM . Whither are you betaking yourself?
ADELPHASIUM
What I? To the Temple of Venus.
AGORASTOCLES
Why thither?
ADELPHASIUM
To propitiate Venus.
AGORASTOCLES
How now? Is she angry, then? Upon my faith, she is propitious. I will even answer for her. Stands before her.
ADELPHASIUM
What are you about? Prithee, why are you annoying me?
AGORASTOCLES
Thus cruel? Alas!
ADELPHASIUM
Let me go away, I beg of you.
AGORASTOCLES
Why in such a hurry? There’s a crowd there at present.
ADELPHASIUM
I know it; there are other females there whom I wish to see, and by whom to be seen.
AGORASTOCLES
How can it give you pleasure to look at ugly people, and to afford one so beauteous to be looked at?
ADELPHASIUM
Because to-day, at the Temple of Venus, there’s a fair for the courtesans; there the dealers meet; there I wish myself to be shown.
AGORASTOCLES
To wares unsaleable, its right to entice the buyer of one’s own accord; good wares easily meet with a purchaser, although they may be placed in concealment. How say you? When, at my house here pointing will you lay your head and side by me?
ADELPHASIUM
On the day on which Orcus sends away the dead from Acheron.
AGORASTOCLES
I’ve got in-doors I know not how many golden coins in a state of madness.
ADELPHASIUM
Bring them to me; I’ll make their madness pretty soon come to an end.
MILPHIO
with indignation . A nice one, upon my word!
AGORASTOCLES
Away to utter and extreme perdition with you, and go and be hanged!
MILPHIO
aside to AGORASTOCLES . The more I look at her, the more insignificant she is, and a mere bauble.
AGORASTOCLES
Keep your prating to yourself; I’m tired of it. To ADELPHASIUM. Come, do lift up this outer garment. Raises it from the ground, and attempts to embrace her.
ADELPHASIUM
I’m in a state of purity; prithee forbear to touch me, Agorastocles.
AGORASTOCLES
What am I to do, then?
ADELPHASIUM
If you are wise, you may be saving yourself your anxiety.
AGORASTOCLES
What? Me not be anxious on your account? What are you about, Milphio? Beckons to him.
MILPHIO
aside . See now, my aversion, this. Aloud. What is it you want with me?
AGORASTOCLES
pointing to ADELPHASIUM . Why is she angry with me?
MILPHIO
Why is she angry with you? Why should I trouble myself about that? For that is rather your own concern.
AGORASTOCLES
On my word, it’s all over with you this very instant, if you don’t make her as smooth for me as the sea is at the time when the halcyon is rearing her young ones there.
MILPHIO
What am I to do?
AGORASTOCLES
Entreat her, soothe, and flatter her.
MILPHIO
I’ll do so with all diligence; but see, please, that you don’t afterwards be giving this ambassador of yours a dressing with your fists.
AGORASTOCLES
I’ll not do so.
ADELPHASIUM
to her SISTER . Let’s now begone. AGORASTOCLES stands before her. Do you detain me still? You act badly; you make me many fair promises; of those many, the whole come to nothing at all. Not once, but a hundred times, have you sworn to give me my freedom. While depending on you, I have neither anywhere procured any other resources for myself, nor is this assistance of yours at all visible. And thus none the less am I still a slave. Move on, sister. To AGORASTOCLES. Get you gone from me!
AGORASTOCLES
Utterly undone! Come now, Milphio, what are you about? Points at ADELPHASIUM.
MILPHIO
addressing ADELPHASIUM . My joy, my delight, my life, my pleasure, apple of my eye, my little lip, my health, my sweet kiss, my honey, my heart, my biestings, my cream-cheese ——
AGORASTOCLES
aside . Am I to allow these things to be said in my presence? I’m quite distracted, wretch that I am, if I don’t order him at full speed to be hurried off to the executioner in a chariot and four!
MILPHIO
to ADELPHASIUM . Prithee, for my sake, don’t be angry with my master. I’ll make ——
ADELPHASIUM
Let me alone.
MILPHIO
You are too cross. He’ll pay the money for you, and make you a citizen of Attica, and a free woman.
ADELPHASIUM
to MILPHIO, who is standing before her , But why don’t you let me go away? What is it you want? Just as he wishes me well, in like manner do you wish me well.
MILPHIO
If, indeed, he has deceived you before, from this time forward he shall be truthful to you.
ADELPHASIUM
Get you gone hence, will you, you trepanner.
MILPHIO
I’ll obey you. But on what terms — do you understand? Do let me prevail upon you; do let me take you by those little ears; do let me give you a kiss. By my troth, I shall now set him a> weeping, if I don’t make you kind; and (unless I do make you kind he certainly will do it) I’m dreadfully afraid lest he should beat me. I know the harsh manners of this crabbed man. Wherefore, my delight, pray do let me prevail upon you.
AGORASTOCLES
aside . I’m not a man worth threepence, if I don’t tear out the eyes and teeth of that whip-scoundrel. He beats MILPHIO. There’s your delight for you! There’s your honey! There’s your heart! There are your biestings! There’s your health! There’s your sweet kiss! Giving him a blow at each sentence.
MILPHIO
Master, you are rendering yourself guilty of impiety! You are beating an ambassador.
AGORASTOCLES
More than that even still. Beating him again. I shall now add the apple of the eye, the little lip too, and the tongue.
MILPHIO
When will you be making an end?
AGORASTOCLES
Was it in that fashion I requested you to plead for me?
MILPHIO
How then was I to plead?
AGORASTOCLES
Do you ask me that? Why thus you should have said, you scoundrel: “his” delight, I do entreat of you, “his” honey, “his” heart, “his” little lip, “his” tongue, “his” sweet kiss, “his” biestings, “his” sweet cream-cheese, you whip-scoundrel. All these things which you spoke of as yours, you should have mentioned as mine.
MILPHIO
addressing ADELPHASIUM . By my troth, I do entreat you, his delight and my own aversion; his full-bosomed mistress, my enemy and evil-wisher; his eye, my eyesore; his honey, my gall — don’t you be angry with him; or, if that cannot be, do take a rope and hang yourself, with your master and your household: for I see that henceforth, on your account, I shall have to live upon sighing; and as it is, I’ve already got my back about as hard with weals as an oyster-shell, by reason of your amours.
ADELPHASIUM
Prithee, do you wish me to hinder him from beating you, rather than that he should not prove untrue towards me?
AN
TERASTYLIS
to her SISTER . Do answer him in somewhat kindly terms, there’s a dear, that he mayn’t be annoying to us; for he’s detaining us from our purpose.
ADELPHASIUM
That’s true. This one fault more will I pardon you for, Agorastocles. I am not angry.
AGORASTOCLES
You are not?
ADELPHASIUM
I am not.
AGORASTOCLES
That I may believe you, give me a kiss then.
ADELPHASIUM
I’ll give you one by-and-by, when I return from the sacrifice.
AGORASTOCLES
Be off, then, in all haste.
ADELPHASIUM
Follow me, sister.
AGORASTOCLES
And do you hear too? Pay all compliments to Venus in my name.
ADELPHASIUM
I’ll pay them.
AGORASTOCLES
Listen to this, too ——
ADELPHASIUM
What is it?
AGORASTOCLES
Perform the ceremony in few words. And do you hear? Look back at me. She looks back. She did look back. By my troth, I trust that Venus will do the same for you. ADELPHASIUM, ANTERASTYLIS, and ATTENDANT go into the Temple of Venus.
AGORASTOCLES and MILPHIO.
AGORASTOCLES
What now do you advise me to do, Milphio?
MILPHIO
To give me a beating, and then have an auction; for pointing to the house really, upon my faith, with utter impunity you might put up this house for sale.
AGORASTOCLES
Why so?
MILPHIO
For the greater part you make your dwelling in my mouth.
AGORASTOCLES
Do have done with those expressions.
MILPHIO
What now do you wish?
AGORASTOCLES
I just now gave three hundred Philippeans to the bailiff Collybiscus, before you called me out of doors. I now adjure you, Milphio, by this right hand, and by this left hand its sister, and by your eyes, and by my passion, and by my own Adelphasium, and by your liberty ——
MILPHIO
Why, now you adjure me by nothing at all.
AGORASTOCLES
My dear little Milphio, my kind occasion, my safeguard, do what you promised me you would do, that I may prove the ruin of this Procurer.
MILPHIO
Why, that’s very easy to be done. Be off, bring here with you your witnesses; meanwhile, in-doors I’ll forthwith provide your bailiff with my disguise and stratagems. Make haste and be off.
AGORASTOCLES
I fly.
MILPHIO
That’s more my part than yours.
AGORASTOCLES
Should I not, should I not, if you effect this adroitly ——
MILPHIO
Only do begone.
AGORASTOCLES
Ought I not this very day ——
MILPHIO
Only do be off.
AGORASTOCLES
To give you freedom
MILPHIO
Only do begone.
AGORASTOCLES
By my troth, I should not deserve-ah!
MILPHIO
Bah! Only do be off.
AGORASTOCLES
As many as are the dead in Acheron ——
MILPHIO
Will you, then, move off?
AGORASTOCLES
Nor yet as many as there are waves in the sea ——
MILPHIO
Are you going to move off?
AGORASTOCLES
Nor as many as there are clouds ——
MILPHIO
Do you persist in going on this way?
AGORASTOCLES
Nor as there are stars in heaven ——
MILPHIO
Do you persist in dinning my ears?
AGORASTOCLES
Neither this thing nor that; nor yet, indeed, seriously speaking — nor, by my faith, indeed. What need is there of words? And why not? — a thing that in one word — here we may say anything we please — and yet, i’ faith, not seriously in reality. D’ye see how ’tis? So may the Gods bless me! — do you wish me to tell you in honest truth? A thing that here we may between ourselves — so help me Jupiter —— Do you see how? Look you — do you believe what I tell you?
MILPHIO
If I cannot make you go away, I shall go away myself: for really, upon my faith, there’s need of an Œdipus as a diviner for this speech of yours, him who was the interpreter to the Sphinx. He goes into the house of AGORASTOCLES.
AGORASTOCLES
He has gone off in a passion; now must I beware, lest, through my own fault, I place an impediment in the way of my love. I’ll go and fetch the witnesses, since love commands me, a free man, to be obedient to my own slave. (Exit.)
ACT 1I.
Enter LYCUS.
LYCUS
to himself . May all the Gods render him unfortunate, should any Procurer, after this day, ever immolate any victim to Venus, or should any one sacrifice a single grain of frankincense. For wretched I, this day, have sacrificed to my most wrathful Deities six lambs, and still I could not manage to make Venus to be propitious unto me. Since I could not appease her, forthwith I departed thence in a passion; I forbade the entrails to be cut, and would not examine them. Inasmuch as the soothsayer pronounced them not propitious, I deemed the Goddess not deserving. By these means I fairly played a trick upon the greedy Venus. When, that which was enough, she would not have to be enough, I made a pause. ’Tis thus I act, and thus it befits me to act. I’ll make the other Gods and Goddesses henceforth more contented, and less greedy, when they know how the Procurer put a trick upon Venus. The soothsayer, in manner right worthy of him, a fellow not worth threepence, said that in all the entrails misfortune and loss were portended to me, and that the Gods were angry with me. In what matter either divine or human is it right for me to put trust in him? Just after that, a mina of silver was given me. But where, pray, has this Captain stopped just now, who gave it me, and whom I’ve invited to breakfast? But look! here he comes. ANTHEMONIDES.
ANTHEMONIDES
So, as I began to tell you, you sorry pimp, about that Pentethronic battle, in which, with my own hands, in one day, I slew sixty thousand flying men.
LYCUS
Heyday! Flying men?
ANTHEMONIDES
Certainly I do affirm it.
LYCUS
Prithee, are there anywhere men that fly?
ANTHEMONIDES
There were; but I slew them.
LYCUS
How could you?
ANTHEMONIDES
I’ll tell you. I gave birdlime and slings to my troops; beneath it they laid leaves of coltsfoot.
LYCUS
For what purpose?
ANTHEMONIDES
That the birdlime mightn’t adhere to the slings.
LYCUS
Proceed. Aside. I faith, you do lie most egregiously. Aloud. What after that?
ANTHEMONIDES
They placed pretty large pellets of birdlime in their slings: with which I ordered them to be taken aim at as they flew. Why many words? Each one did they hit with the birdlime-they fell to the ground as thick as pears. As each one dropped, I straightway pierced him through the brain with his own feathers, just like a turtle-dove.
LYCUS
By my troth, if ever this did take place, then may Jupiter make me to be ever sacrificing, and never propitiating him.
ANTHEMONIDES
And don’t you.believe me in this?
LYCUS
I do believe, in the same degree that it is proper that I should be believed. Come, let’s go in-doors, until the entrails are brought home.
ANTHEMONIDES
I wish to relate to you a single battle more.
LYCUS
I don’t care about it.
ANTHEMONIDES
Do listen.
LYCUS
U
pon my faith, no.
ANTHEMONIDES
Why then I’ll break your head this distant, if you don’t listen, or else be off to utter perdition!
LYCUS
I’d sooner go to utter perdition!
ANTHEMONIDES
Are you determined then?
LYCUS
Determined.
ANTHEMONIDES
In that case, do you, then, upon this lucky day, the Aphrodisia, make over to me the younger one of your courtesans.
LYCUS
The sacred ceremony has by its omens been to me today of such a nature — I put off all serious matters from today until another day. I am resolved to make it really a holiday. Now let’s go hence in-doors. Follow me this way.
ANTHEMONIDES
I follow. For this day, then, I’m out on hire to you. They go into the house of LYCUS.
ACT III.
Enter AGORASTOCLES, and several ASSISTANTS walking behind him.
AGORASTOCLES
So may the Deities love me, there’s nothing more annoying than a tardy friend, especially to a man in love, who’s in a hurry in everything that he does; just as I’m leading on these assistants, fellows of most crawling step; they are more slow than merchant-ships in a calm sea. And upon my faith, I really did on purpose wave my aged friends; I knew they were too slow through their years; I apprehended delay to my passion; in vain I selected for myself these young fellows on their preferment, timber-legged, most tardy chaps. Well turning round to them , if you are going to come to-day, get on, or get off hence to utter perdition! Is this the way it befits friends to give their assistance to a person in love? Why sure, this pace was bolted through a fine floursieve; unless you have been practising in fetters to creep along thus with this step.
ADVOCATI
Hark you! although we seem to you of the commonalty and poor, if you don’t speak us fair, you rich man of highest rank, we are in the habit of boldly playing the mischief with the rich man; we are under no engagement to you, about what it is that you love or hate. When we paid money for our freedom, we paid our own, not yours; it’s right that we should be under no restraint. We value you at nought; don’t you fancy that we’ve been made over as slaves to your passion. It’s proper for free men to go through the city at a moderate pace; I deem it like a slave to be running along in a bustle. Especially when the state is at peace and the enemies are slain, it is not decent to make a tumult. But if you were for making greater haste, you ought to have brought us here as assistants the day before. Don’t you fancy it — not any one of us will this day be running through the streets, nor yet shall the people pelt us with stones for madmen.