Complete Works of Plautus

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Complete Works of Plautus Page 78

by Plautus


  AGORASTOCLES

  But if I had said that I was taking you to a Temple to breakfast, you would have surpassed a stag in speed, or a man on stilts in your steps. Now, because I have said that I am taking you as my assistants and witnesses, you are gouty, and in the slowness of your pace have been outdoing the snail.

  ADVOCATI

  Why, really, is there not good cause for running swiftly, where you are to drink and eat at another man’s expense as much as you please, until you are full, what you need never return against your will to your host, at whose expense you have been eating? But still,in some way or other, although we are poor men, we have at home something to eat; don’t you browbeat us in such a contemptuous way. Whatever that very little is, that little of ours is all at home; we neither dun any one ourselves, nor does any one dun us. Not one of us is going to burst the veins of his lungs for your sake.

  AGORASTOCLES

  You are too warm; really, I said this to you in joke.

  ADVOCATI

  Consider it said in joke as well what we have said to you in answer.

  AGORASTOCLES

  Troth now, prithee, do give me this aid of yours like a fly-boat, not a merchant-ship. Do hobble along at least, for I do not ask you to hurry.

  ADVOCATI

  If you wish to do anything quietly and leisurely, we lend our aid; if you are in a hurry, it would be better for you to hire runners as your assistants.

  AGORASTOCLES

  You understand (the matter I’ve informed you of), that I have need of your assistance with regard to this Procurer, who has so long trifled with me in my amour; that a scheme is to be planned against him about the gold and. my servant.

  ADVOCATI

  All that we know already, if these Spectators know. For the sake of these Spectators it is that this Play is now being acted. ‘Twere better for you to inform them, that when you do anything, they may know what it is you are doing. Don’t you trouble about us; we know the whole matter; since we all learnt it together in company with yourself, so that we can answer you.

  AGORASTOCLES

  Such really is the fact; but come, that I may be sure then that you know it, repeat the matter at length, and tell me what I told you just now.

  ADVOCATI

  Are you trying in this way whether we know? Do you suppose we don’t remember how you have given three hundred Philippeans to Collybiscus your bailiff, for him to bring here to the Procurer, your enemy, and to pretend that he is a foreigner from a distance, from another city? When he has brought them, you’ll go there to seek your servant together with the money.

  AGORASTOCLES

  You remember it by heart; you have saved me.

  ADVOCATI

  He’ll be for denying it; he’ll suppose your Milphio is being looked for. He’ll have to pay double all the money stolen; the Procurer will be adjudged to you. In this matter you wish us to be your witnesses.

  AGORASTOCLES

  You’ve got the matter fast.

  ADVOCATI

  I’ faith, hardly with the tips of our fingers, indeed; it is so very small a one.

  AGORASTOCLES

  This must be done quickly and with expedition. Make as much haste, then, as you can.

  ADVOCATI

  moving as though going . Kindly fare you well, then; it’s better for you to provide some active assistants, we are but slow ones.

  AGORASTOCLES

  You move very well. Aside. But very badly do you speak me, faith. Aloud. Moreover, I could wish your thighs to fall down into your ankles.

  ADVOCATI

  And, i’ faith, we that your tongue had fallen into your loins, and your eyes upon the ground.

  AGORASTOCLES

  Heyday! it’s not for you to be angry at what I said in joke.

  ADVOCATI

  Nor for you, indeed, to be speaking ill to your friends in joke.

  AGORASTOCLES

  Drop this. What I want to do, you understand.

  ADVOCATI

  We know full well: to undo the perjured Procurer, it’s that you wish.

  AGORASTOCLES

  You’ve got the matter right. See, Milphio and the bailiff are opportunely coming out together. He’s coming rigged out like a nobleman, and appropriately, for the plot.

  Enter MILPHIO and COLLYBISCUS, from the house of AGORASTOCLES, dressed as a person of quality.

  MILPHIO

  Have you now got your instructions by heart?

  COLLYBISCUS

  Nicely.

  MILPHIO

  Take care you understand them, please.

  COLLYBISCUS

  What need is there of talking? I won’t let my own legs understand as well.

  MILPHIO

  Only take you care that your speeches are learnt by heart for this plot.

  COLLYBISCUS

  Why, upon my faith, I am more perfect than tragic or comic actors are.

  MILPHIO

  You are a capital fellow.

  AGORASTOCLES

  to the ASSISTANTS . Let’s go nearer to them. Accosting MILPHIO and COLLYBISCUS. Here are the witnesses.

  MILPHIO

  to AGORASTOCLES . Really you could not have brought as many men better suited for this purpose; for not one of them is tongue-tied as a witness; they are genuine men of the law-courts; there they take up their abode; there you may see them more frequently than the Prætor. At this very time there are no better cookers-up of a lawsuit, to stir up litigation, than are these men; for they, if there is no litigation, sow litigation.

  ADVOCATI

  May the Gods confound you!

  MILPHIO

  You I really do commend, inasmuch as, whoever you are, still you act both worthily and kindly in giving your aid to my master thus in love. To AGORASTOCLES. But do they now know what the business is?

  AGORASTOCLES

  The whole matter, all in its order.

  MILPHIO

  In that case, do you, then, give me your attention. Do you know this Procurer Lycus?

  ADVOCATI

  Perfectly.

  COLLYBISCUS

  But, upon my faith, I don’t know him, of what appearance he is. I wish that you would point this fellow out to me.

  ADVOCATI

  We’ll take all care: we’ve been instructed quite enough.

  AGORASTOCLES

  pointing to COLLYBISCUS . He has got three hundred pieces counted out.

  ADVOCATI

  Then it’s right, Agorastocles, that we should see this gold, that we may know what to say by-and-by as our testimony.

  AGORASTOCLES

  Come and look at it. Opens the bag which COLLYBISCUS holds in his hand.

  COLLYBISCUS

  to the AUDIENCE . Undoubtedly it’s gold, Spectators — playhouse gold; upon this, soaked in water, in foreign lands, the cattle become fat: but, for the carrying out of this design, ’tis real Philippean gold.

  ADVOCATI

  We’ll make believe it is so.

  COLLYBISCUS

  But do you make believe as though I were a foreigner.

  ADVOCATI

  Just so; and, in fact, as though you, on your arrival to-day, had asked us to show you a spot for freedom and pleasure; where you might wench, drink, and live like a Greek.

  MILPHIO

  Dear me! Crafty fellows, upon my faith!

  AGORASTOCLES

  But it was I who instructed them.

  MILPHIO

  And who you, in your turn?

  COLLYBISCUS

  Come, be of’ in-doors, Agorastocles, lest the Procurer should see you together with me, and some accident might befall our plan.

  MILPHIO

  This person is extremely prudent. To AGORASTOCLES. Do as he bids you.

  AGORASTOCLES

  Let’s be off. To the ASSISTANTS. But you-has enough been said?

  COLLYBISCUS

  Do you be off.

  AGORASTOCLES

  I’m off. Immortal Gods, I beg ——
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br />   COLLYBISCUS

  Nay, but why don’t you be off?

  AGORASTOCLES

  I’m off.

  COLLYBISCUS

  You do wisely. AGORASTOCLES and MILPHIO go into the house. Hush! be quiet.

  ADVOCATI

  What’s the matter?

  COLLYBISCUS

  This door pointing to the door of the house of LYCUS was guilty of a great indecency just now.

  ADVOCATI

  What indecency is that?

  COLLYBISCUS

  It rumbled aloud. AsSIST. May the Deities confound you! Get you behind us.

  COLLYBISCUS

  Be it so. Goes behind them.

  ADVOCATI

  We’ll walk first.

  COLLYBISCUS

  aside . They do what town-fellows are in the habit of doing: they put worthy men behind themselves.

  ADVOCATI

  pointing to the PROCURER’S house . That man that’s coming out is the Procurer.

  COLLYBISCUS

  He’s a real good one; for he’s like a bad man. Even now, as he comes forth, I’ll suck out his blood at this distance.

  Enter LYCUS, from his house.

  LYCUS

  speaking to ANTHEMONIDES, within . I’ll return here this moment, Captain. I wish to find us some fitting guests, to join us. Meanwhile, they’ll bring the entrails; and at the same time, the women, I suppose, will soon be making their appearance at home after the sacrifice. But why are such a number of people coming this way? I wonder what they are bringing? He, too, in the scarf, that’s following at a distance, who is he, I wonder? He is not an Ætolian.

  ADVOCATI

  We greet you, Lycus. Although against our will, we give you this salutation, and although in a very moderate degree do we entertain good wishes for procurers.

  LYCUS

  May you all be fortunate — a thing that I know for certain you neither will be, nor will Fortune permit it so to be.

  ADVOCATI

  That is a treasure hoarded in the tongues of fools, to deem it gainful to speak amiss to their superiors.

  LYCUS

  He who knows not the road by which to arrive at the sea, him it befits to seek a river as his own companion. I know not the way of speaking abusively to you. Now you are the rivers to me; you I’m resolved to follow. If you speak blessings, along your banks I’ll follow you; if you utter curses, along your track I’ll go.

  ADVOCATI

  To do good to the bad is a danger just as great as to do bad to the good.

  LYCUS

  But why?

  ADVOCATI

  You shall learn. If you do any good to the bad, the benefit is lost: if you do any bad to the good, it lasts for a length of time.

  LYCUS

  Cleverly said! But what does that matter to me?

  ADVOCATI

  Because for the sake of your own well-doing we came hither, although in a very moderate degree do we entertain good wishes for procurers.

  LYCUS

  If you bring anything that’s good, I give you thanks.

  ADVOCATI

  Of our own, we neither bring nor give you anything that’s good, nor do we promise you, nor, in fact, do we wish to give it.

  LYCUS

  I’ faith, I do believe yon; such is your kindly feeling. But what now do you wish?

  ADVOCATI

  (pointing to COLLYBISCUS) This person in the scarf, whom you see, with him Mars is angered.

  COLLYBISCUS

  aside, to himself . May he be so indeed with your own heads!

  ADVOCATI

  We are now bringing him here, Lycus, to you, for tearing asunder.

  COLLYBISCUS

  aside, to himself . This huntsman, myself, will be going home to-day with some spoil; the dogs are cleverly driving Lycus into the toils.

  LYCUS

  Who is this person?

  ADVOCATI

  We really don’t know who he is, except that some time since, after daybreak, when we went down to the harbour, at the same moment we saw him landing from a merchant-ship. Disembarking, he came up to us at once — he saluted us; we answered him.

  COLLYBISCUS

  aside . The artful fellows! how cleverly they do enter upon the plot!

  LYC. What after that?

  ADVOCATI

  Then he joined in discourse with us: he said that he was a foreigner, unacquainted with this city: that he wanted a convenient place to be found here, for him to indulge his appetite. We brought the man to you; if the Gods are favourable to you, it’s an opportunity for you to ply your trade.

  LYCUS

  Is he eager to that degree?

  ADVOCATI

  He has got gold.

  LYCUS

  aside . That booty is mine.

  ADVOCATI

  He wishes to drink and wench.

  LYCUS

  I’ll find him a nice place.

  ADVOCATI

  But still he wants to be quite private, in a quiet way, that no persons may know it, and that there may be no overlookers; for he has been a soldier in Sparta, as, indeed, he himself has told us, with King Attalus; from there he fled hither, when the town was surrendered.

  COLLYBISCUS

  aside . Very clever that, about the soldier! about Sparta, most capital!

  LYCUS

  in a low voice . May the Gods and Goddesses bestow many blessings on you, for having given me kindly information, and finding me a choice prey.

  ADVOCATI

  Aye, and, as he himself has told us, that you may receive him the better, he has brought three hundred Philippean pieces as a provision.

  LYCUS

  I’m a king if I can to-day entice this man to my house.

  ADVOCATI

  Nay but, he really is your own.

  LYCUS

  By my troth, prithee, do persuade him to take up his abode at my house, as the best lodging.

  ADVOCATI

  It befit us neither to persuade nor to dissuade a person who is a foreigner; you’ll transact your own business, if you are prudent. We have brought the ringdove for you, even to the trapping-ground; now it’s better for yourself to catch him, if you wish him to be caught. They move as if going.

  LYCUS

  Are you going now?

  COLLYBISCUS

  to the ASSISTANTS . What about the matters that I commissioned you upon, strangers?

  ADVOCATI

  pointing to LYCUS . It’s better for you, young sir, to speak to him about your own concerns; he’s clever in those matters which you are enquiring about.

  COLLYBISCUS

  aside . But, for my part, I could like you to see when I deliver him the gold.

  ADVOCATI

  aside . At a distance there we shall be witnesses of that.

  COLLYBISCUS

  to the ASSISTANTS . You’ve given me kind assistance. The ASSISTANTS go out of sight.

  LYCUS

  aside, so as to be heard . The profit comes to me.

  COLLYBISCUS

  aside, to himself . Age, just so, indeed, the way that the ass kicks with his heels.

  LYCUS

  I’ll speak the fellow fairly. To COLLYBISCUS. A stranger salutes a stranger; I’m glad that you have arrived in safety.

  COLLYBISCUS

  May the Deities grant you many blessings, since you wish me well.

  LYCUS

  They say that you are in search of a lodging.

  COLLYBISCUS

  I am in search.

  LYCUS

  So those persons told me, who left me just now, that you are in search of one that is free from flies.

  COLLYBISCUS

  By no means in the world.

  LYCUS

  Why so?

  COLLYBISCUS

  Because if I had been looking for a retreat from the flies, on arriving here I should have straightway gone to gaol. I’m in search of this kind of lodging, where I may be treated more delicately than the eyes of King Antiochus
are in the habit of being treated.

  LYCUS

  Upon my faith, for sure, I can provide you a charming one, if, indeed, you can put up with yourself being in a charming room, on a couch charmingly laid, a charming damsel cuddling you.

  COLLYBISCUS

  You are in the right road, Procurer.

  LYCUS

  Where, with Leucadian, Lesbian, Thasian, and Coan wine, toothless with old age, you may soak yourself. There I’ll quite drench you with the effusion of unguents. Why many words? I’ll cause, when you’ve bathed, the bathkeeper to set up unguent-shop there. But speaking confidentially all these things that I have mentioned let out their services for pay.

  COLLYBISCUS

  Why so?

  LYCUS

  Because they demand ready money.

  COLLYBISCUS

  Why, upon my faith, you are not more ready to receive than I to give.

  LYCUS

  Why then follow me in-doors.

  COLLYBISCUS

  Lead me in-doors, then; you’ve got me devoted to your will. The ASSISTANTS come forward. LYCUS and COLLYBISCUS go apart.

  ADVOCATI

  among themselves . What if we call Agorastocles hither out of doors, that he himself may be his own witness, past all exception? They go to the door of AGORASTOCLES and call out, in a loud whisper. Hallo! you that are to catch the thief, come out quickly, that you yourself may witness him giving the gold to the Procurer.

  Enter AGORASTOCLES, in haste, from his house.

  AGORASTOCLES

  What’s the matter? What is it you want, witnesses?

  ADVOCATI

  Look to the right hand; your servant is paying gold to the Procurer himself.

  COLLYBISCUS

  apart to LYCUS . Come, take this, will you: here are three hundred gold coins, counted out, which are called Philippeans. Gives him the bay. With these do you provide for me. I wish these to be spent with all speed.

  LYCUS

  By my troth, you have found a lavish steward for yourself. Come, let’s away in-doors.

  COLLYBISCUS

  I follow you.

  LYCUS

  Well, well, walk on; and then we’ll talk together about the other matters that remain.

  COLLYBISCUS

  As for me, I’ll tell you about the Spartan affairs.

  LYCUS

  Why then follow me.

  COLLYBISCUS

  Lead me in-doors; lead me in, you have got me made over to you. They go into the house of LYCUS.

  AGORASTOCLES

  What do you advise me now?

  ADVOCATI

  To be moderate.

  AGORASTOCLES

  What if my feelings will not let me be?

  ADVOCATI

 

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