by Plautus
Then be as they will let you.
AGORASTOCLES
Did you see it, when the Procurer received the money?
ADVOCATI
We saw it.
AGORASTOCLES
Did you know that he is my slave?
ADVOCATI
We knew it.
AGORASTOCLES
That it is a thing against the reiterated laws of the people?
ADVOCATI
We knew it.
AGORASTOCLES
Well then, all these things I wish you to keep in memory before the Prætor by-and-by, when occasion shall come.
ADVOCATI
We remember them.
AGORASTOCLES
What if, while the matter has so recently happened, I knock at the door?
ADVOCATI
I think you ought.
AGORASTOCLES
If I do knock, he won’t open it.
ADVOCATI
Then break the pannel.
AGORASTOCLES
If the Procurer comes out, do you think I ought to enquire of the fellow whether my slave has come to him or not?
ADVOCATI
Why not?
AGORASTOCLES
With two hundred golden Philippean pieces?
ADVOCATI
Why not?
AGORASTOCLES
Then the Procurer will be going astray at once.
ADVOCATI
About what matter?
AGORASTOCLES
Do you ask? Because a less sum will be named by one hundred pieces.
ADVOCATI
You judge rightly.
AGORASTOCLES
He’ll think that some other person is being looked after.
ADVOCATI
No doubt.
AGORASTOCLES
He’ll be denying it at once.
ADVOCATI
On his oath even.
AGORASTOCLES
The fellow will involve himself in the guilt of theft ——
ADVOCATI
Beyond a doubt, it certainly is so.
AGORASTOCLES
Of however much it is that shall have been brough to him.
ADVOCATI
Why not?
AGORASTOCLES
Jupiter confound you!
ADVOCATI
Why not your own self?
AGORASTOCLES
going towards the door of LYCUS . I’ll go and knock at this door.
ADVOCATI
Even so. Why not?
AGORASTOCLES
It’s time to be quiet, for the door makes a noise. I see the Procurer Lycus coming out of doors; come this way, pray!
ADVOCATI
Why not? But, if you please, cover up our heads, that the Procurer mayn’t know us, who have been his decoyers into so great a calamity. He throws the lappets of their garments over their heads.
Enter LYCUS, from his house.
LYCUS
to himself . Let all soothsayers go hang themselves now at once. Why should I believe them in future, as to what they say? For they, just now at the sacrifice, told me that evil and the greatest disaster was portended to me. I have since then amplified my fortune with profit.
AGORASTOCLES
accosting him . Save you, Procurer.
LYCUS
May the Gods bless you, Agorastocles.
AGORASTOCLES
You now salute me more kindly than hitherto.
LYCUS
A calm has come, as though to a ship at sea. Just as the wind is, to that quarter is the sail shifted.
AGORASTOCLES
May those ladies be well in your house, to whom I wish it, but to yourself I do not wish it.
LYCUS
They are well, as you desire; not for you, though.
AGORASTOCLES
Send your Adelphasium to my house, to-day, please, upon this celebrated and famous festival, the Aphrodisia.
LYCUS
Have you been breakfasting on a hot breakfast today? Tell me.
AGORASTOCLES
Why so?
LYCUS
Because now you are only cooling your mouth, when you ask me.
AGORASTOCLES
Attend to this, Procurer, will you; I’ve heard that my slave is at your house.
LYCUS
At my house? You’ll find that has never been the fact.
AGORASTOCLES
You lie; for he has come to your house, and carried off some gold there. Word has been brought me to that effect, by persons I fully believe. Pointing to the ASSISTANTS.
LYCUS
You are an artful fellow: you’ve come to entrap me with your witnesses. There’s no one of your people in my house, nor anything of yours.
AGORASTOCLES
turning round to the ASSISTANTS . Remember that, assistants.
ADVOCATI
We will remember it.
LYCUS
laughing . Ha, ha, ha! I now understand how it is, I’ve this instant seen through it. These persons, who a short time since introduced that Spartan stranger to me, their brain is now fired at it, because I’m going to make a gain of these three hundred Philippean pieces; now, because they knew that this person was an enemy of mine, they have set him on to say that his slave, together with his gold, is in my house. It’s a planned contrivance for them to deprive me of it, and to divide it among themselves. They are wanting to get away the lamb from the wolf. They are wasting their pains.
AGORASTOCLES
What, do you deny that either the gold or my slave is at your house?
LYCUS
I do deny it; and, if it’s of any use, I make myself hoarse with denying it.
ADVOCATI
You are undone, Procurer; for that person whom we told you was a Spartan, is his bailiff; who brought you just now the three hundred Philippean pieces; and that same gold, too, is in his purse.
LYCUS
shaking his fist at them . Woe unto you!
ADVOCATI
That, indeed, is close at hand for yourself.
AGORASTOCLES
Come, you hang-dog, give up the purse this instant. You are clearly a thief; caught by me in the fact. (To the ADVOCATI.) By my troth, I do beg of you, lend me your aid, so as to see me bring my slave out of his house. He goes into the PROCURER’S house.
LYCUS
I’ faith, I’m now undone for certain, beyond a doubt! This has been done on purpose that a snare might be laid for me. But why do I hesitate to betake me hence to utter perdition, before I’m dragged off to the Prætor by the throat? Alas! what soothsayers I’ve been having for my diviners, who, if they promise anything that’s fair, it comes to pass but slowly; that which they promise as unfortunate, comes directly. Now I’ll be off: I’ll consult my friends in what way — they deem it best in especial for me to hang myself. (Exit.)
Enter AGORASTOCLES, from the house of LYCUS, driving out COLLYBISCUS.
AGORASTOCLES
Be off you, get out you, that the witnesses may see you coining out from here. Isn’t this my servant? To the ASSISTANTS.
COLLYBISCUS
I’ faith, I really am, Agorastocles.
AGORASTOCLES
How now, villanous Procurer?
ADVOCATI
He, with whom you have the dispute, has made off.
AGORASTOCLES
I hope he’s gone hence to utter perdition.
ADVOCATI
It’s proper that we should wish the same.
AGORASTOCLES
To-morrow I’ll bring my action against the fellow.
COLLYBISCUS
Anything further with me —— ?
AGORASTOCLES
You may go; put on your own dress.
COLLYBISCUS
It wasn’t for nothing that I turned soldier. I made a little booty in-doors. While the household of the Procurer was asleep, I got myself well filled with the entrails. I’ll be off from here in-doors.
AGORASTOCLES
ADVOCATI
And you, farewell! (AGORASTOCLES goes into his house, followed by COLLYBISCUS.) This fellow wants a thing that’s notoriously unfair; he thinks that we are to serve him at our own expense. But such are all these rich people of ours: if you do anything of service, their thanks are lighter than a feather; if there’s any offence, they show vengeance like lead. Let’s now go to our houses, if you like, forthwith, since we’ve effected that for which we lent our services, to ruin this corrupter of our fellow-citizens. (Exeunt.)
ACT IV.
Enter MILPHIO.
MILPHIO
I’m awaiting in what way my plot is to proceed. I’m bent upon ruining this Procurer, since he torments my afflicted master; but he in his turn beats me, and strikes me with his fist and heels. It’s a misery to be in the service of one who is in love, especially one who is debarred from the object which he woos. Heyday! I see Syncerastus, the Procurer’s servant, betaking himself from the Temple. I’ll listen to what he has to say. He stands aside.
Enter SYNCERASTUS, with some cooking utensils, from the Temple of Venus.
SYNCERASTUS
to himself It’s quite clear that Gods and men neglect the benefit of him who has a master like a person of such character as I have for a master. There’s not another person anywhere in the world more perjured or more wicked than is my master, nor one so filthy or so defiled with dirt. So may the Gods bless me, I’d rather pass my life either in the stone quarries or at the mill, with my sides hampered with heavy irons, than pass this servitude with a Procurer. What a race this is! What corruptors of men they are! Ye Gods, by our hopes in you, every kind of men you may see there, just as though you had come to Acheron — horse and foot, a freed-man, a thief, or a runaway, if you choose, one whipped, chained, or condemned to slavery. He who has got money to pay, whatever sort of person he is — all kinds are taken in; throughout all the house, in consequence, are darkened spots and hiding-places: drinking and eating are going on, just as though in a cookshop, and in no less degree. There may you see epistles written in letters inscribed on pottery, and sealed with pitch: the names are upon them in letters a cubit long; such a perfect levy on vintners have we got at our house.
MILPHIO
apart . Upon my faith, it is quite wonderful, if his master doesn’t make him his heir; for really, the way he soliloquizes, he’s making a speech over him as though dead and gone. I’d both like to accost the fellow, and yet I listen to him with extreme delight.
SYNCERASTUS
to himself . When I see these things going on, I’m vexed that slaves, purchased at the heaviest price, should at our house be robbed of the savings which ought to go to their masters. But at last nothing is left visible: “badly gotten, badly gone.”
MILPHIO
apart . This man goes on talking quite as though he himself were an honest fellow, when, upon my faith, he himself is able to make worthlessness more worthless.
SYNCERASTUS
to himself . Now I’m taking home these vessels from the Temple of Venus, where with his sacrifice my master has not been able to propitiate Venus on her festive day.
MILPHIO
apart . Charming Venus!
SYNCERASTUS
to himself . But our Courtesans, with their first ictims, appeased Venus in an instant.
MILPHIO
O charming Venus, once again!
SYNCERASTUS
moving . Now I’ll go home.
MILPHIO
coming forward . Hallo! Syncerastus!
SYNCERASTUS
looking around . Who’s calling Syncerastus?
MILPHIO
Your friend.
SYNCERASTUS
You don’t act like a friend, in causing me delay when I’ve got a burden.
MILPHIO
But in return for this matter I’ll lend you my aid, when you please, and when you give me your commands. Consider the agreement signed.
SYNCERASTUS
If so it is to be, I’ll give you my services in this ——
MILPHIO
In what way?
SYNCERASTUS
Why that, when I’m to have a beating, you yourself may substitute your hide.
MILPHIO
Get along with you.
SYNCERASTUS
I don’t understand what sort of person you are.
MILPHIO
I’m good for nothing.
SYNCERASTUS
Be so to yourself, then.
MILPHIO
I want you.
SYNCERASTUS
But my burden is pressing me.
MILPHIO
Then, do you set it down, and turn your face to me.
SYNCERASTUS
I’ll do so, although I have no leisure. Putts down his load.
MILPHIO
Save you, Syncerastus.
SYNCERASTUS
O Milphio, may all the Gods and Goddesses favour ——
MILPHIO
What person, pray?
SYNCERASTUS
Neither you, nor me, Milphio, nor my own master, in fact.
MILPHIO
Whom are they to favour, then?
SYNCERASTUS
Any one else they please; for not one of us is de serving of it.
MILPHIO
You speak wittily.
SYNCERASTUS
It befits me to do so.
MILPHIO
What are you doing?
SYNCERASTUS
I’m doing that which, clearly, adulterers don’t generally do.
MILPHIO
What’s that?
SYNCERASTUS
Bringing all off in safety.
MILPHIO
May the Gods confound you and your master!
SYNCERASTUS
May they not confound me. I could make them ruin him, if I chose — ruin my master, did I not fear for myself, Milphio.
MILPHIO
What is it? Tell me.
SYNCERASTUS
You are a bad one.
MILPHIO
I am a bad one.
SYNCERASTUS
It goes but badly with me.
MILPHIO
Just tell me, then; you ought to be in quite other plight. Why is it that it goes badly with you, who have at home in superabundance what to eat, and what to drink? You don’t give a single three-obol piece away to a mistress, and have her for nothing.
SYNCERASTUS
May Jupiter so love me ——
MILPHIO
I’ faith, in the degree that you deserve, to wit.
SYNCERASTUS
How I do long for this family to come to ruin.
MILPHIO
If you long for it, lend your aid.
SYNCERASTUS
Without feathers it isn’t easy to fly: my wings have got no feathers.
MILPHIO
Troth, then, don’t pluck out any hairs; then, in the next two months, your arm-pits will be fit for flying.
SYNCERASTUS
Away to utter perdition!
MILPHIO
Away yourself, and your master!
SYNCERASTUS
But, really, if a person knew him well, the fellow might soon be ruined.
MILPHIO
Why so?
SYNCERASTUS
* * * Just as though you could be silent on any matter.
MILPHIO
I’ll keep the matter more strictly secret for you than that which has been told to a dumb woman.
SYNCERASTUS
I could easily bring my mind to believe you there, if I did not know you.
MILPHIO
Trust me boldly at my own peril.
SYNCERASTUS
I shall trust you to my cost, and stil
l I will trust you.
MILPHIO
Don’t you know that your master is a mortal enemy of my master?
SYNCERASTUS
I know it.
MILPHIO
By reason of the love affair?
SYNCERASTUS
You are losing all your pains.
MILPHIO
Why so?
SYNCERASTUS
Because you are teaching one that has been taught.
MILPHIO
Why, then, do you doubt that my master will do a mischief to your master with pleasure, so far as he can do, with his deserving it? Then besides, if you lend some assistance, on that account he’ll be able to do it the more easily.
SYNCERASTUS
But I’m afraid of this, Milphio ——
MILPHIO
What is it that you’re afraid of?
SYNCERASTUS
That while I’m preparing the plot against my master, I may be betrayed by yourself. If my master knows that I’ve been talking to any individual, he’ll forthwith be making me from Syncerastus into Brokenlegs.
MILPHIO
On my word, never shall any mortal be made the wiser by me; only to my master alone will I tell it; and to him, too, in such a way that he shall not disclose that this matter originated in yourself.
SYNCERASTUS
I shall trust you at my peril, and yet I will trust you. But do you keep this a secret to yourself.
MILPHIO
To Faith herself it is not more safely confided. Speak out boldly (there’s room and opportunity); we are here alone.
SYNCERASTUS
If your master chooses to act with caution, he’ll prove the ruin of my master.
MILPHIO
How can that be?
SYNCERASTUS
Easily.
MILPHIO
Then let me be acquainted with this “easily,’ that he may know it as well.
SYNCERASTUS
Because Adelphasium, whom your master dotes on is free by birth.
MILPHIO
In what way?
SYNCERASTUS
In the same way that her other sister Anterastylis is.
MILPHIO
But how am I to believe that?
SYNCERASTUS
Because he bought them at Anactorium, when little children, of a Sicilian pirate.
MILPHIO
For how much?
SYNCERASTUS
For eighteen minæ.
MILPHIO
with an air of surprise . These two for eighteen minæ?
SYNCERASTUS
And their nurse for the third. He, too, who sold them told him that he was selling persons who had been kidnapped: he said that they were free-born, and from Carthage.
MILPHIO
Ye Gods, by our hopes in you! you mention a most interesting matter; for my master Agorastocles was born in the same place; he was stolen thence when about six years old; after that, the person who stole him brought him here and sold him to my master; that person adopted him as heir to his wealth, when he departed this life.