Complete Works of Plautus

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Complete Works of Plautus Page 84

by Plautus


  PSEUDOLUS

  Why in such a hurry? Gently.

  CALIDORUS

  But before he’s gone.

  BALLIO

  Why the plague do you go so slowly, boy?

  PSEUDOLUS

  You born on this day, hallo! you born on this day; I’m calling to you; hallo! you born on this day, come you back and look at us. Although you are busy, we want you; stop — it’s because some persons want to speak to you.

  BALLIO

  What’s this? Who is it, when I’m busy, causes me unseasonable delay?

  PSEUDOLUS

  He that has been your supporter.

  BALLIO

  He’s dead that has been; only he that is, is now alive.

  PSEUDOLUS

  You are too saucy.

  BALLIO

  You are too troublesome. Turns away to go on.

  CALIDORUS

  Seize the fellow: follow him up.

  BALLIO

  Go on, boy.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Let’s go and meet him this way. They run and stand before him.

  BALLIO

  May Jupiter confound you, whoever you are.

  PSEUDOLUS

  That for yourself I wish.

  BALLIO

  And for both of you do I. Turn you this way, boy. Takes another direction.

  PSEUDOLUS

  May we not speak with you?

  BALLIO

  Why, it doesn’t please me.

  PSEUDOLUS

  But if it’s something to your advantage?

  BALLIO

  Am I allowed to go away, pray, or am I not?

  PSEUDOLUS

  Pshaw! Stop. Catches hold of him. BAL. Let me go.

  CALIDORUS

  Ballio, listen.

  BALLIO

  I’m deaf.

  CALIDORUS

  Really, you are uncivil.

  BALLIO

  You are a chatterer of nonsense.

  CALIDORUS

  I gave you money so long as I had it.

  BALLIO

  I’m not asking what you gave.

  CALIDORUS

  I’ll give you some when I have it.

  BALLIO

  When you have it, bring it to me.

  CALIDORUS

  Alas, alas! In what a foolish fashion have I lavished what I brought to you, and what I gave you.

  BALLIO

  Your wealth defunct, you now are talking about it; you are a simpleton, a cause that has been tried you are trying over again.

  PSEUDOLUS

  At least consider him, who he is.

  BALLIO

  I’ve known for a long time now who he was; who he now is, let him know himself. Do you walk on to the BOY .

  PSEUDOLUS

  And can’t you, Ballio, only once give a look this way for your own profit?

  BALLIO

  At that price I’ll give a look; for if I were sacrificing to supreme Jupiter, and were presenting the entrails in my hands to lay them on the altar, if in the meanwhile anything in the way of profit were offered, I should in preference forsake the sacrifice. There’s no being able to resist that sort of piety, however other things go.

  PSEUDOLUS

  aside . The very Gods, whom it is especially our duty to reverence — them he esteems of little value.

  BALLIO

  I’ll speak to him. Hail to you, right heartily, the very vilest slave in Athens.

  PSEUDOLUS

  May the Gods and Goddesses favour you, Ballio, both at his wish and at my own; or, if you are deserving of other terms, let them neither favour nor bless you.

  BALLIO

  What’s the matter, Calidorus?

  CALIDORUS

  Love and pinching want are the matter.

  BALLIO

  I would pity you, if, upon pity I could support my establishment.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Aye, aye, we know you quite well, what sort of character you are; don’t be proclaiming it. But do you know what we want?

  BALLIO

  I’ faith, I know it pretty nearly; that there may be something unfortunate for me.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Both to that and this for which we called you back, prithee do give your attention.

  BALLIO

  I am attending; but compress into a few words what you want, as I’m busy now.

  PSEUDOLUS

  He pointing to CALIDORUS is quite ashamed about what he promised you, and the day for which he promised it, that he hasn’t even yet paid you those twenty minæ for his mistress.

  BALLIO

  That which we are ashamed at is much more easily endured than that which we are vexed at. At not having paid the money, he is ashamed; I, because I have not received it, am vexed.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Still, he’ll pay it, he’ll procure it; do you only wait some days to come. But he has been afraid of this, that you’ll sell her on account of his embarrassment.

  BALLIO

  He had an opportunity, had he wished, of paying the money long ago.

  CALIDORUS

  What if I had it not?

  BALLIO

  If you had been in love, you would have found it on loan. You would have gone to the usurer; you would have paid the interest; or else you would have pilfered it from your father.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Ought he to have pilfered it from his father, you most shameless villain? There is no fear that you’ll point out to him anything that’s right.

  BALLIO

  That’s not like a procurer.

  CALIDORUS

  And could I possibly pilfer anything from my father, an old man so much on his guard? And besides, if I could do so, filial affection forbids.

  BALLIO

  I understand you; do you then at night embrace filial affection in place of Phœnicium. But since I see you prefer your filial affection to your love — are all men your fathers? Is there no one for you to ask to lend you some money?

  CALIDORUS

  Why, the very name of lending’s dead and gone by this.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Look you now; since, i’ faith, those fellows arose from the banker’s table, with a filled skin, who, when they called in their own, paid what they had borrowed to no born creature, since then, I say, all people have been more cautious not to trust another.

  CALIDORUS

  Most wretched am I; nowhere am I able to find a coin of silver; so distractedly am I perishing both through love and want of money.

  BALLIO

  Buy oil on credit, and sell it for ready money; then, i’ faith, even two hundred minæ ready money might be raised.

  CALIDORUS

  There I’m done; the twenty-five year old law founders me. All are afraid to trust me.

  BALLIO

  The same law have I. I’m afraid to trust you.

  PSEUDOLUS

  To trust him, indeed! How now, do you repent of the great profit he has been to you?

  BALLIO

  No lover is a profitable one, except him who keeps continually making presents. Either let him be always giving, or when he has nothing, let him at the same time cease to be in love.

  CALIDORUS

  And don’t you pity me at all?

  BALLIO

  You come empty-handed; words don’t chink. But I wish you life and health.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Heyday! Is he dead already?

  BALLIO

  However he is, to me indeed, at all events, with these speeches, he is dead. Then, does a lover really live, when he comes begging to a procurer? Do you always come to me with a complaint that brings its money. As for that, which you are now lamenting about, that you have got no money, complain of it to your stepmother.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Why, have you ever been married to his father, pray?

  BALLIO

  May the Gods grant better things.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Do what we ask you, Ballio, on my credit, if you
are afraid to trust him. Within the next three days, from some quarter, in some way, either by land or sea, I’ll rout up this money for you.

  BALLIO

  I, trust you?

  PSEUDOLUS

  Why not?

  BALLIO

  Because, i’ faith, on the same principle that I trust you, on that principle I should tie a run-away dog to a lamb’s fry.

  CALIDORUS

  Is the obligation thus ungratefully returned by you to me, who have deserved so well of you?

  BALLIO

  What do you want now?

  CALIDORUS

  That you will only wait these six days of the Feast, and will not sell her or prove the death of the person who loves her.

  BALLIO

  Be of good courage; I’ll wait six months even.

  CALIDORUS

  Capital — most delightful man!

  BALLIO

  Aye; and do you wish, too, that from joyful I should make you even more joyous?

  CALIDORUS

  How so?

  BALLIO

  Why, because I’ve got no Phœnicium to sell.

  CALIDORUS

  Not got her?

  BALLIO

  I’ faith, not I, indeed.

  CALIDORUS

  Pseudolus, go fetch the sacrifice, the victims, the sacrificers, that I may make offering to this supreme Jove. For this Jupiter is now much more mighty to me than is Jupiter himself.

  BALLIO

  I want no victims; with the entrails of minæ I wish to be appeased.

  CALIDORUS

  to PSEUDOLUS . Make haste. Why do you hesitate? Go fetch the lambs; do you hear what Jupiter says?

  PSEUDOLUS

  I’ll be here this moment; but first I must run as far as beyond the gate.

  CALIDORUS

  Why thither?

  PSEUDOLUS

  I’ll fetch two sacrificers thence, with their bells; at the same time I’ll fetch thence two bundles of elm twigs, that this day a sufficiency may be provided for the sacrifice to this Jove.

  BALLIO

  Away to utter perdition.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Thither shall the pimping Jupiter go.

  BALLIO

  It isn’t for your interest that I should die.

  PSEUDOLUS

  How so?

  BALLIO

  This way; because, if I’m dead, there will be no one worse than yourself in Athens. For your interest to CALIDORUS it is that I should die.

  CALIDORUS

  How so?

  BALLIO

  I’ll tell you; because, i’ faith, so long as I shall be alive, you’ll never be a man well to do.

  CALIDORUS

  Troth now, prithee, in serious truth, tell me this that I ask you — have you not got my mistress, Phœnicium, on sale?

  BALLIO

  By my faith, I really have not; for I’ve now sold her already.

  CALIDORUS

  In what way?

  BALLIO

  Without her trappings, with all her inwards.

  CALIDORUS

  What? Have you sold my mistress?

  BALLIO

  Decidedly; for twenty minæ.

  CALIDORUS

  For twenty minæ?

  BALLIO

  Or, in other words, for four times five minæ, whichever you please, to a Macedonian Captain; and I’ve already got fifteen of the minæ at home.

  CALIDORUS

  What is it that I hear of you?

  BALLIO

  That your mistress has been turned into money.

  CALIDORUS

  Why did you dare to do so?

  BALLIO

  ’Twas my pleasure; she was my own.

  CALIDORUS

  Hallo! Pseudolus. Run, fetch me a sword.

  PSEUDOLUS

  What need is there of a sword?

  CALIDORUS

  With which to kill this fellow this instant, and then myself.

  PSEUDOLUS

  But why not kill yourself only rather? For famine will soon be killing him.

  CALIDORUS

  What do you say, most perjured of men as many as are living upon the earth? Did you not take an oath that you would sell her to no person besides myself?

  BALLIO

  I confess it.

  CALIDORUS

  In solemn form, to wit.

  BALLIO

  Aye, and well considered too.

  CALIDORUS

  You have proved perjured, you villain.

  BALLIO

  I sacked the money at home, however. Villain as I am, I am now able to draw upon a stock of silver in my house; whereas you who are so dutiful, and born of that grand family, haven’t a single coin.

  CALIDORUS

  Pseudolus, stand by him on the other side and load this fellow with imprecations.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Very well. Never would I run to the Prætor with equal speed that I might be made free. Stands on the other side of BALLIO.

  CALIDORUS

  Heap on him a multitude of curses.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Now will I publish you with my rebukes. Thou lackshame!

  BALLIO

  ’Tis the fact.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Villain!

  BALLIO

  You say the truth.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Whipping-post!

  BALLIO

  Why not?

  PSEUDOLUS

  Robber of tombs!

  BALLIO

  No doubt.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Gallows-bird!

  BALLIO

  Very well done.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Cheater of your friends!

  BALLIO

  That’s in my way.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Parricide!

  BALLIO

  Proceed, you.

  CALIDORUS

  Committer of sacrilege!

  BALLIO

  I own it.

  CALIDORUS

  Perjurer!

  BALLIO

  You’re telling nothing new.

  CALIDORUS

  Lawbreaker!

  BALLIO

  Very much so.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Pest of youth!

  BALLIO

  Most severely said.

  CALIDORUS

  Thief!

  BALLIO

  Oh! wonderful!

  PSEUDOLUS

  Vagabond!

  BALLIO

  Pooh! pooh!

  CALIDORUS

  Defrauder of the public!

  BALLIO

  Most decidedly so.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Cheating scoundrel!

  CALIDORUS

  Filthy pander!

  PSEUDOLUS

  Lump of filth!

  BALLIO

  A capital chorus.

  CALIDORUS

  You beat your father and mother.

  BALLIO

  Aye, and killed them, too, rather than find them food; did I do wrong at all?

  PSEUDOLUS

  We are pouring our words into a pierced cask: we are losing our pains.

  BALLIO

  Would you like to call me anything else besides?

  CALIDORUS

  Is there anything that shames you?

  BALLIO

  Yes; that you have been found to be a lover as empty as a rotten nut. But although you have used towards me expressions many and harsh, unless the Captain shall bring me this day the five minæ that he owes me, as this was the last day appointed for the payment of that money, if he doesn’t bring it, I think that I am able to do my duty.

  CALIDORUS

  What is that duty?

  BALLIO

  If you bring the money, I’ll break faith with him; that’s my duty. If it were more worth my while, I would talk further with you. But, without a coin of money, ’tis in vain that you request me to have pity upon you. Such is my determination; but do you, from
this, consider what you have henceforth to do? Moves.

  CALIDORUS

  Are you going then?

  BALLIO

  At present I am full of business. (Exit.)

  PSEUDOLUS

  Before long you’ll be more so. That man is my own, unless all Gods and men forsake me. I’ll bone him just in the same fashion that a cook does a lamprey. Now, Calidorus, I wish you to give me your attention.

  CALIDORUS

  What do you bid me do?

  PSEUDOLUS

  I wish to lay siege to this town, that this day it may be taken. For that purpose, I have need of an artful, clever, knowing, and crafty fellow, who may despatch out of hand what he is ordered, not one to go to sleep upon his watch.

  CALIDORUS

  Tell me, then, what you are going to do?

  PSEUDOLUS

  In good time I’ll let you know. I don’t care for it to be repeated twice; stories are made too long that way.

  CALIDORUS

  You plead what’s very fair and very just.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Make haste; bring the fellow hither quickly.

  CALIDORUS

  Out of many, there are but few friends that are to be depended upon by a person.

  PSEUDOLUS

  I know that; therefore, get for yourself now a choice of both, and seek out of these many one that can be depended upon.

  CALIDORUS

  I’ll have him here this instant.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Can’t you be off then? You create delay for yourself by your talking. (Exit CALIDORUS.)

  PSEUDOLUS, alone.

  PSEUDOLUS

  Since he has gone hence, you are now standing alone, Pseudolus. What are you to do now, after you have so largely promised costly delights to your master’s son by your speeches? You, for whom not even one drop of sure counsel is ready, nor yet of silver * * * * nor have you where first you must begin your undertaking, nor yet fixed limits for finishing off your web. But just as the poet, when he has taken up his tablets, seeks what nowhere in the world exists, and still finds it, and makes that like truth which really is a fiction; now I’ll become a poet; twenty minæ, which no-where in the world are now existing, still will I find. And some time since had I said that I would find them for him, and I had attempted to throw a net over our old gentleman; however, by what means I know not, he perceived it beforehand. But my voice and my talking must be stopped; for, see! I perceive my master, Simo, coming this way, together with his neighbour, Callipho. Out of this old sepulchre will I dig twenty minæ this day, to give them to my master’s son. Now I’ll step aside here, that I may pick up their conversation. He stands apart.

  Enter SIMO and CALLIPHO.

  SIMO

  If now a Dictator were to be appointed at Athens of Attica out of the spendthrifts or out of the gallants, I do think that no one would surpass my son. For now the only talk of all throughout the city is to the effect that he is trying to set his mistress free, and is seeking after money for that purpose. Some people bring me word of this; and, in fact, I had long ago perceived it, and had suspected it, but I dissembled on it.

 

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