by Plautus
CALIDORUS
Why speak you unkindly of those sweet letters — sweet tablets too, written upon by a hand as sweet.
PSEUDOLUS
Troth now, have hens, prithee, such hands? For certainly a hen has written these letters.
CALIDORUS
You are annoying me. Either read it or return the letter.
PSEUDOLUS
Very well then, I’ll read it through. Give me your attention.
CALIDORUS
That’s not here.
PSEUDOLUS
Do you summon it then.
CALIDORUS
Well, I’ll be silent; do you summon it from that wax there; for there my attention is at present, not in my breast.
PSEUDOLUS
I see your mistress, Calidorus.
CALIDORUS
Where is she, prithee?
PSEUDOLUS
See, here she is at full length in the letter; she’s lying upon the wax.
CALIDORUS
Now, may the Gods and Goddesses, inasmuch ——
PSEUDOLUS
Preserve me from harm, to wit.
CALIDORUS
For a short season have I been like a summer plant; suddenly have I sprung up, suddenly have I withered.
PSEUDOLUS
Be silent, while I read the letter through.
CALIDORUS
Why don’t you read it then?
PSEUDOLUS
reading . “ Phœnicium to her lover, Calidorus, by means of wax and string and letters, her exponents, sends health, and safety does she beg of you, weeping, and with palpitating feelings, heart, and breast.”
CALIDORUS
I’m undone; I nowhere find, Pseudolus, this safety for me to send her back.
PSEUDOLUS
What safety?
CALIDORUS
A silver one.
PSEUDOLUS
And do you wish to send her back a silver safety for one on wood? Consider what you’re about.
CALIDORUS
Read on now; I’ll soon cause you to know from the letter how suddenly there’s need for me for one of silver to be found.
PSEUDOLUS
reading on . “The procurer has sold me, my love, for twenty minæ, to a Macedonian officer from abroad. Before he departed hence, the Captain paid him fifteen minœ; only five minæ now are remaining unpaid. On that account the Captain left here a token — his own likeness impressed on wax by his ring — that he who should bring hither a token like to that, together with him the procurer might send me. The next day hence, on the Festival of Bacchus, is the one fixed for this matter.”
CALIDORUS
Well, that’s to-morrow; my ruin is near at hand, unless I have some help in you.
PSEUDOLUS
Let me read it through.
CALIDORUS
I permit you; for I seem to myself to be talking to her. Read on; the sweet and the hitter are you now mingling together for me.
PSEUDOLUS
reading on . “Now our loves, our tenderness, our intimacy, our mirth, our dalliance, our talking, our sweet kisses, the close embrace of us lovers equally fond, the soft, dear kisses impressed on our tender lips, the delicious pressing of the swelling bosom; of all these delights, I say, for me and for you as well, the severance, the destruction, and the downfal is at hand, unless there is some rescue for me in you or for you in me. I have taken care that you should know all these things that I have written; now shall I make trial how far you love me, and how far you pretend to do so.”
CALIDORUS
’Tis written, Pseudolus, in wretchedness.
PSEUDOLUS
Alas! very wretchedly.
CALIDORUS
Why don’t you weep, then?
PSEUDOLUS
I’ve eyes of pumice stone; I can’t prevail upon them to squeeze out one tear even.
CALIDORUS
Why so?
PSEUDOLUS
My family was always a dryeyed one.
CALIDORUS
Won’t you attempt to assist me at all?
PSEUDOLUS
What shall I do for you?
CALIDORUS
Alas!
PSEUDOLUS
Alas! do you say? Well, don’t be sparing of them, i’ faith; I’ll give you plenty.
CALIDORUS
I’m distracted. I nowhere can find any money to borrow.
PSEUDOLUS
Alas!
CALIDORUS
Nor is there a single coin in the house.
PSEUDOLUS
Alas!
CALIDORUS
He’s going to carry the damsel away to-morrow.
PSEUDOLUS
Alas!
CALIDORUS
Is it in that fashion that you help me?
PSEUDOLUS
I give you that which I have; for I’ve a perpetual supply of those treasures in my house.
CALIDORUS
It’s all over with me this very day. But can you now lend me one drachma, which I’ll pay you back to-morrow
PSEUDOLUS
I’ faith, I hardly think I could, even though I should pawn myself for it. But what do you want to do with this drachma?
CALIDORUS
I want to purchase a halter for myself.
PSEUDOLUS
For what reason?
CALIDORUS
With which to hang myself. I’m determined, ere ’tis dark, to take a leap in the dark.
PSEUDOLUS
Who then shall pay me back my drachma * * * * ? Do you wish purposely to hang yourself for the very reason, that you may cheat mo out of my drachma if I lend it you?
CALIDORUS
At all events, I can in nowise survive if she’s removed and carried off from me.
PSEUDOLUS
Why do you weep, you cuckoo? You shall survive.
CALIDORUS
Why should I not weep, who have neither a coin of silver in ready money, nor have the hope of a groat anywhere in the world?
PSEUDOLUS
As I understand the tenor of this letter, unless you weep for her with tears of silver, the affection which you wish yourself by those tears to prove is of no more value than if you were to pour water into a sieve. But have no fear, I’ll not forsake you in your love. In troth, I do trust that this day, from some quarter or other, by my good aid I shall find you help in the money line. But whence that is to come, — that whence I know not how to pronounce; except only that so it shall be; my eyebrow twitches to that effect.
CALIDORUS
As to what you say, I trust that your deeds may be as good as your words.
PSEUDOLUS
I’ faith, you surely know, if I set my plans a-going, after what fashion and how great is the bustle that I am in the habit of causing.
CALIDORUS
In you are now centred all the hopes of my existence.
PSEUDOLUS
Is it enough, if I this day make this damsel to be yours, or if I find you twenty minæ?
CALIDORUS
’Tis enough, if so it is to be.
PSEUDOLUS
Ask of me twenty minæ, that you may be assured that I’ll procure for you that which I have promised. Ask them of me, by my troth, prithee do; I long to make the promise.
CALIDORUS
Will you this day find me twenty minæ of silver?
PSEUDOLUS
I will find them; be no more troublesome to me then. And this I tell you first, that you mayn’t deny that it was told you; if I can no one else, I’ll diddle your father out of the money.
CALIDORUS
So far as filial affection is concerned, even my mother as well. May the Gods always preserve you for me. But what if you are not able?
PSEUDOLUS
Upon that matter do you go to sleep with either eye.
CALIDORUS
With the eye or with the ear?
PSEUDOLUS
The latter is too common an expression. Now, that no one may affirm that it was
n’t told him, I tell you all to the AUDIENCE , in the presence of the youths in this audience, and of all the people, to all my friends and all my acquaintances I give notice, that for this day they must guard against me, and not trust me.
CALIDORUS
Hist! be silent, prithee, by all the powers!
PSEUDOLUS
What’s the matter?
CALIDORUS
There was a noise at the procurer’s door.
PSEUDOLUS
I could only wish it were his legs in preference.
CALIDORUS
Yes, and he himself is coming out from in-doors, the perjured scoundrel. They stand at a distance.
Enter BALLIO, with several MALE and FEMALE SLAVES, from his house.
BALLIO
Get out, come, out with you, you rascals, kept at a loss and bought at a loss, in the minds of not one of whom aught ever comes to do aright, of whom I can’t make a bit of use, unless I try it after this fashion. He flogs the men all round. At no time did I ever see human beings more like asses; so hardened are your ribs with stripes; when you flog them, you hurt yourself the most. Of such a disposition are these whipping-posts who follow this line of conduct; when the opportunity is given, pilfer, purloin, prig, plunder, drink, eat, and run away’s the word. This is their method, so that you would choose rather to leave wolves among sheep, than these fellows on guard in your house. Yet, when you look at their appearance, they don’t seem amiss; by their doings they deceive you. Now, therefore, unless you all of you give your attention to this charge, unless you remove drowsiness and sloth from your breasts and eyes, I’ll make your sides to be right thoroughly marked with thongs, so much so that not even Campanian coverlets are coloured as well, nor yet Alexandrian tapestry of purple embroidered with beasts all over. Even yesterday I already gave you all notice, and assigned to each his own respective employment; but so utterly worthless are you, so neglectful, of such stub-born dispositions, that you compel me to put you in mind of your duty with a basting. You are so minded I suppose, to get the better of this scourge and myself through the hardness of your hides. Never, i’ faith, will your hides prove harder, than is this cow-hide of mine. He dangles it before them. Do look at that, please; they are minding other matters. Attend to this, and give heed to this. He flogs one of them. How now? Does it pain? Ah, that’s the way it’s laid on when any slave slights his master. Stand all of you before me, you race of mortals born to be thrashed; turn your ears this way; give attention all of you to what I say. You fellow who are holding the pitcher, do you fetch the water; do you take care that the cauldron’s full this instant. You, with the axe, I appoint over the wood-cutting department.
SLAVES of Ballio.
But this one is blunted on the edge.
BALLIO
Let it be so, then. And so are you yourselves with stripes; yet am I for that reason any the less to enjoy your services? My orders I give to you, that the house be made clean. You have what you are to do; make haste, and go in-doors. Exit FIRST SLAVE. Be you the one that makes the couches smooth. Do you wash the plate clean, and arrange it in order as well, Take care that when I return from the Forum, I find things done; that all be swept, sprinkled, scoured, made smooth, cleaned, and arranged in order. For this day is my birthday; it befits you all to celebrate it. Take care to lay the gammon of bacon, the brawn, the collared neck, and the udder, in water; do you hear me? I wish to entertain tip-top men in first-rate style, that they may fancy that I have property. Go you in-doors, and get these things ready quickly, that there may be no delay when the cook comes. I’m going to market, that I may make purchase of whatever fish is there. Boy, go you before me; I must have a care that no one cuts away my purse. Or wait there; there’s something that I had almost forgotten to say at home. Do you hear me, you women? I have this charge for you — you, misses of distinction, who spend your time with illustrious men in refinements, luxury, and delights; now shall I know and make trial this day, which one has regard for her liberty, which for her appetite which thinks on her business, which on sleeping only: this day I’ll make trial which I must think of as a freed-woman, and which as one to be sold. Take you care that many a present from your lovers comes in for me this day; for if your year’s board isn’t picked up for me, to-morrow I’ll turn you adrift on the public. You know that this is my birthday; where are those youths, the apples of whose eyes you are, whose very existence, whose delight you are? Where are your kisses, where your bosoms sweet as honey? Make the bearers of presents to come here then, for my sake, before this house, in whole regiments. Why am I to find clothes for you, gold trinkets, and those things which you need? What have I, you jades, through your means, except vexation, you women, eager for nothing but the wine? You are a-soaking away yourselves and your paunches too, at the very time that I’m here a-dry. Now, therefore, this is the best thing to do; for me to call you each by her name, that no one of you may be declaring to me by-and-by that her business hasn’t been told her. Give attention, all of you. In the first place, Hedylium, my business is with you — you, who are the favorite of the corn-merchants, men who have, all of them, immense mountains of wheat piled up at home; take you care that wheat is brought here for me, to suffice this year to come for myself and all my household, and that I may so abound in corn that the city may change my name for me, and instead of the procurer Ballio proclaim me King lasions.
CALIDORUS
apart . Do you hear what the gallows-bird is saying? * * * Doesn’t he seem a regular boaster to you?
PSEUDOLUS
apart . I’ troth the fellow does, and a wicked one as well. But hush now, and give attention to this.
BALLIO
Æschrodora, you who have for your patrons the butchers, those rivals of the procurers, who, just like ourselves, by false oaths seek their gains, do you listen; unless the three larders shall be crammed for me this day with carcases of ample weight, to-morrow, just as they say that formerly the two sons of Jupiter fastened Dirce to the bull, aye, this day as well, will I tie you up to the larder; that, in fact, shall be your bull.
CALIDORUS
apart . I’m quite enraged by the talk of this fellow; that we should suffer the youth of Attica to encourage here this fellow! Where are they — where are they skulking, they of mature age, who have their amorous dealings with this procurer? Why don’t they meet? Why don’t they one and all deliver the public from this pestilence? But I am very simple, and very ignorant; they would venture, of course, to do that to those, to whom their passions compel them, to their misfortune, to be subservient, and, at the same time, prevent them from doing that against them which they would rather wish to do.
PSEUDOLUS
apart . Hush! CAL. apart . What’s the matter?
PSEUDOLUS
apart . Pshaw! you are not very obliging. Why are you drowning his talk by your noise?
CALIDORUS
apart . I’ll be silent. PSEUD. apart . But I’d much rather you would be silent, than that you should say you will be silent.
BALLIO
And you, Xystilis, take you care and give me your attention — you whose fanciers have large quantities of oil at home. If oil shall not be brought me here forthwith in leathern bags, I’ll to-morrow cause yourself to be carried off in a leathern bag to the prostitutes’ shambles. There a bed shall be given you, I warrant, where you can have no rest, but where, even to downright fainting —— You understand what’s the tendency of that which I’m saying? Will you tell me, you viper you, you who have so many of your fanciers so right well laden with their oil, is now the head of any one of your fellow-slaves a bit the better anointed by your means, or do I, myself, get my dainty morsels a bit the better seasoned with oil for it? But I understand — you don’t care much about oil; with wine you anoint yourself. Only wait a bit; by my troth I’ll punish you for all at one spell, unless indeed this day you contrive to manage all these things that I’ve been speaking of. But as for you, Phœnicium, I tell you this, you pet of th
e mighty men — you who have been for so long a time always paying down to me your money for your liberty — you who only know how to promise, but don’t know how to pay what you have promised; unless this day all your keep is brought me here out of the stores of your customers, to-morrow, Phœnicium, with a true Phœnician hide, you’ll pay a visit to the strumpets’ shambles. The SLAVES go into the house of BALLIO.
CALIDORUS and PSEUDOLUS come forward. BALLIO stands near his door.
CALIDORUS
Pseudolus, don’t you hear what he says?
PSEUDOLUS
I hear it, master, and I give good heed.
CALIDORUS
What do you advise me to send him, that he mayn’t devote my mistress to dishonor?
PSEUDOLUS
Don’t you trouble yourself about that; be of cheerful mind. I’ll manage for myself and for you. For some time past I’ve been on terms of goodwill with him, and he with me; and our friendship is of old standing. I’ll send him this day, on his birthday, a mischief heavy and well-matured.
CALIDORUS
What’s the plan?
PSEUDOLUS
Can’t you attend to something else?
CALIDORUS
But ——
PSEUDOLUS
Tut.
CALIDORUS
I’m distracted.
PSEUDOLUS
Harden your heart.
CALIDORUS
I cannot.
PSEUDOLUS
Make yourself to can.
CALIDORUS
By what means, pray, can I prevail upon my feelings?
PSEUDOLUS
Carry you out that which is to your advantage, rather than give heed with your feelings to the thing that’s disadvantageous.
CALIDORUS
That’s nonsense; there is no pleasure, unless a lover acts like a fool.
PSEUDOLUS
Do you persist?
CALIDORUS
O my dear Pseudolus, let me be undone — do let me, please.
PSEUDOLUS
I’ll let you; only let me go. Going.
CALIDORUS
Stay, stay. As you shall, then, wish me to be, so will I be.
PSEUDOLUS
Now, at last, you are in your senses.
BALLIO
coming forward from the door of his house to the other side of the stage . The day is passing; I’m causing delay to myself. Boy, do you go before me. Moves as if going.
CALIDORUS
Hallo there! he’s going; why don’t you call him back?