Complete Works of Plautus
Page 85
PSEUDOLUS
apart . Already is his son suspected by him; this affair is nipt in the bud, this business is at a stand-still. The way is now entirely blocked up against me, by which I had intended to go a-foraging for the money. He has perceived it beforehand. There’s no booty for the marauders.
CALLIPHO
Those men who carry about and who listen to accusations, should all be hanged, if so it could be at my decision, the carriers by their tongues, the listeners by their ears. For these things that are told you, that your son in his amour is desirous to chouse you out of money, the chance is that these things so told you are all lies. But sappose they are true, as habits are, now-a-days especially, what has he done so surprising? What new thing, if a young man does love, and if he does liberate his mistress?
PSEUDOLUS
apart . A delightful old gentleman.
SIMO
I don’t wish him to follow the old-fashioned habits.
CALLIPHO
But still, in vain do you object; or you yourself shouldn’t have done the like in your youthful days. It befits the father to be immaculate, who wishes his son to be more immaculate than he has been himself. But the mischief and the profligacy you were guilty of might have been distributed throughout the whole population, a share for each man. Are you surprised at it, if the son does take after the father?
PSEUDOLUS
apart . O Zeus, Zeus! how few in number are you considerate men. See, that’s being a father to a son, just as is proper.
SIMO
Who is it that’s speaking here? Looking round. Why, surely ’tis my servant Pseudolus. ’Tis he corrupts my son, the wicked scoundrel; he is his leader, he his tutor. I long for him to be put to extreme torture.
CALLIPHO
This is folly now, thus to keep your anger in readiness. How much better were it to accost him with kind words and to make all enquiries, whether these things are true or not that they tell you of?
SIMO
I’ll take your advice.
PSEUDOLUS
apart . They are making towards you, Pseudolus; prepare your speech to meet the old fellow. Good courage in a bad case is half the evil got over. Aloud, as he advances to meet them. First, I salute my master, as is proper; and alter that, if anything is left, that I bestow upon his neighbour.
SIMO
Good day to you. What are you about?
PSEUDOLUS
About standing here in this fashion assuming an attitude .
SIMO
See the attitude of the fellow, Callipho; how like that of a man of rank.
CALLIPHO
I consider that he is standing properly and with boldness.
PSEUDOLUS
It befits a servant innocent and guileless, as he is, to be bold, most especially before his master.
CALLIPHO
There are some things about which we wish to inquire of you, which we ourselves know and have heard of as though through a cloud of mist.
SIMO
He’ll manage you now with his speeches, so that you shall think it isn’t Pseudolus but Socrates that’s talking to you. What do you say?
PSEUDOLUS
For a long time you have held me in contempt, I know. I see that you have but little confidence in me. You wish me to be a villain; still, I will be of strict honesty.
SIMO
Take care, please, and make the recesses of your ears free, Pseudolus, that my words may be enabled to enter where I desire.
PSEUDOLUS
Come, say anything you please, although I am angry at you.
SIMO
What, you, a slave, angry at me your master?
PSEUDOLUS
And does that seem wonderful to you?
SIMO
Why, by my troth, according to what you say, I must be on my guard against you in your anger, and you are thinking of beating me in no other way than I am wont to beat yourself. What do you think? To CALLIPHO.
CALLIPHO
I’ faith, I think that he’s angry with good reason, since you have so little confidence in him.
SIMO
I’ll leave him alone then. Let him be angry: I’ll take care that he shall do me no harm. But what do you say? What as to that which I was asking you?
PSEUDOLUS
If you want anything, ask me. What I know, do you consider given you as a response at Delphi.
SIMO
Give your attention then, and take care and please mind your promise. What do you say? Do you know that my son is in love with a certain music-girl?
PSEUDOLUS
Yea, verily.
SIMO
Whom he is trying to make free?
PSEUDOLUS
Yea, verily and indeed.
SIMO
And you are scheming by cajolery and by cunning tricks to get twenty minæ in ready money out of me?
PSEUDOLUS
I, get them out of you?
SIMO
Just so; to give them to my son, with which to liberate his mistress. Do you confess it? Speak out.
PSEUDOLUS
Yea, verily; yea, verily.
SIMO
He confesses it. Didn’t I tell you so just now, Callipho?
CALLIPHO
So I remember.
SIMO
Why, directly you knew of these things, were they kept concealed from me? Why wasn’t I made acquainted with them?
PSEUDOLUS
I’ll tell you: because I was unwilling that a bad custom should originate in me, for a servant to accuse his master before his master.
SIMO
Wouldn’t you order this fellow to be dragged head first to the treadmills?
CALLIPHO
Has he done anything amiss, Simo?
SIMO
Yes, very much so.
PSEUDOLUS
to CALLIPHO . Be quiet, I quite well understand my own affairs, Callipho. Is this a fault? Now then, give your attention to the reason why I you kept ignorant of this amour. I knew that the treadmill was close at hand, if I told you.
SIMO
And didn’t you know, as well, that the treadmill would be close at hand when you kept silent on it?
PSEUDOLUS
I did know it.
SIMO
Why wasn’t it told me?
PSEUDOLUS
The one evil was close at hand, the other at a greater distance; the one was at the moment, the other was a few days off.
SIMO
What will you be doing now? For assuredly the money cannot be got in this quarter out of me, who have especially detected it. I shall forthwith give notice to all that no one is to trust him the money.
PSEUDOLUS
I’ faith, I’ll never go begging to any person, so long, at all events, as you shall be alive; troth, you shall find me the money; and as for me, I shall take it from you.
SIMO
You, take it from me?
PSEUDOLUS
Undoubtedly.
SIMO
Troth, now, knock out my eye, if I do find it.
PSEUDOLUS
You shall provide it. I warn you then to be on your guard against me.
SIMO
By my troth, I know this for sure; if you do take it away, you will have done a wonderful and a great exploit.
PSEUDOLUS
I will do it, however.
SIMO
But if you don’t carry it off?
PSEUDOLUS
Then flog me with rods. But what if I do carry it off?
SIMO
I give you Jupiter as your witness, that you shall pass your life free from punishment.
PSEUDOLUS
Take care and remember that.
SIMO
Could I possibly be unable to be on my guard, who am forewarned?
PSEUDOLUS
I forewarn you to be on your guard. I say you must be on your guard, I tell you. Keep watch. Look, now, with those same hands will you this day giv
e me the money
SIMO
By my troth, ’tis a clever mortal if he keeps his word.
PSEUDOLUS
Carry me away to be your slave if I don’t do it.
SIMO
You speak kindly and obligingly; for at present you are not mine, I suppose.
PSEUDOLUS
Would you like me to tell you, too, what you will still more wonder at?
SIMO
Come, then; i’ faith, I long to hear it; I listen to you with pleasure.
PSEUDOLUS
Before I fight that battle, I shall first fight another battle, famous and memorable.
SIMO
What battle?
PSEUDOLUS
Why, with the procurer your neighbour; by means of stratagem and artful tricks, I’l cleverly bamboozle the procurer out of this music-girl, with whom your son is so desperately in love; and I surely will have both of these things effected this very day, before the evening.
SIMO
Well, if you accomplish these tasks as you say, you will surpass in might King Agathocles. But if you don’t do it, is there any reason why I shouldn’t forthwith put you in the treadmill?
PSEUDOLUS
Not for one day, but, i’ faith, for all, whatever the time. But if I effect it, will you not at once give me the money of your own free will for me to pay to the procurer?
CALLIPHO
Pseudolus is making a fair claim; say “I’ll give it.”
SIMO
But still, do you know what comes into my mind? Suppose they have made an arrangement, Callipho, among themselves, or are acting in concert, and on a preconcerted plan, to bamboozle me out of the money?
PSEUDOLUS
Who would be more audacious than myself, if I dared to do such an action? Well, Simo, if we are thus in collusion, or have ever arranged any plan, do you mark me quite all over with elm-tree stripes, just as when letters are written in a book with a reed.
SIMO
Now then, proclaim the games as soon as you please.
PSEUDOLUS
Give me your attention, Callipho, I beg you, for this day, so that you may not any way employ yourself upon other business.
CALLIPHO
Why, now, I had made up my mind yesterday to go into the country.
PSEUDOLUS
Still, do you now change the plan which you had resolved upon.
CALLIPHO
I am now resolved not to go away on account of this; I have an inclination to be a spectator of your games, Pseudolus; and if I shall find that he doesn’t give you the money which he has promised, rather than it shouldn’t be done, I’ll give it.
SIMO
I shall not change my purpose.
PSEUDOLUS
Because, by my faith, if you don’t give it, you shall be dunned for it with clamour great and plenteous. Come, now, move yourselves off hence into the house this instant, and in turn give room for my tricks.
SIMO
Be it so.
CALLIPHO
You may have your way,
PSEUDOLUS
But I want you to keep close at home.
SIMO
Well, that assistance I promise you.
CALLIPHO
But I shall be off to the Forum. I’ll be back here presently. Exit CALLIPHO. SIMO goes into his house.
PSEUDOLUS
Be back directly. To the AUDIENCE. I have a suspicion, now, that you are suspecting that I have been promising these so great exploits to these persons for the purpose of amusing you, while I am acting this play, and that I shall not do that which I said I will do. I will not change my design; so far as that then I know for certain; by what means I’m to carry it out not at all do I know as yet; only this, that so it shall be. For he that appears upon the stage in a new character, him it befits to bring something that is new. If he cannot do that, let him give place to him who can. I am inclined to go hence into the house for some little time, while I summon together all my stratagems in my mind. Meanwhile this piper shall entertain you. Goes into the house of SIMO, and the PIPER strikes up a tune.
ACT II.
Enter PSEUDOLUS, from the house of SIMO.
PSEUDOLUS
O Jupiter, whatever I undertake, how cleverly and how fortunately does it befal me. Not any plan is there stored up in my breast that I can hesitate upon or be afraid of. But it is folly to entrust a bold exploit to a timorous heart; for all things are just as you make them, so as you make them of importance. Now in my breast have I already so prepared my forces — double, aye, threefold stratagems, that when I engage with the enemy, relying upon the merits, I say, of my forefathers, and on my own industry and tricking propensity for mischief, I may easily conquer, and easily spoil my antagonists by my contrivances. Now will I adroitly batter down this Ballio, the common foe of me and all of you; only lend me your attention. Now will I forthwith draw out my legions against this old town. If I take it, I shall make it a pleasant matter for the citizens: I’ll load and fill myself, and my allies as well, with booty from it. I shall strike terror and fright into my enemies, so that they may know of what race I was born. Great exploits it befits me to perform, which long after may bespeak fame for me. But whom do I see here? Who’s this low fellow that’s presented before my eyes? I should like to know why he’s come here with his sword: I’ troth, now then I’ll lie here in ambush for him, to see the business that he’s about. Retires to a distance.
Enter HARPAX, with a bay in his hand.
HARPAX
This is the place, and this the spot, which was pointed out to me by my master, according as 1 form a judgment from my eyesight. For my master, the Captain, told me to this effect, that the house was the seventh from the gate, in which lives the person to whom he requested me to carry the token and this silver * * * * * I could vastly wish that some one would inform me where this Ballio, the procurer, lives. Looks from side to side.
PSEUDOLUS
apart . Hist! Silence! This man is mine, unless all Gods and men forsake me. Now have I need of a new plan; this new scheme is suddenly presented to me. This I prefer to my former one; that I shall dismiss, which, before, I had commenced to carry into effect. By my troth, I’ll then work this military messenger that’s just arrived.
HARPAX
I’ll knock at the door, and call some one out of doors from within. Goes towards the door of BALLIO’S house.
PSEUDOLUS
coming up to him . Whoever you are, I wish you to spare your knocking; for I’ve just come out of doors, I, the spokesman and the defender of the door.
HARPAX
Are you Ballio?
PSEUDOLUS
Why, no; but I’m the deputy-Ballio.
HARPAX
What means that expression?
PSEUDOLUS
I’m his butler-steward; the caterer for his larder.
HARPAX
As though you were to say, you are his chamberlain.
PSEUDOLUS
No; I’m above his chamberlain.
HARPAX
What are you, slave or free man?
PSEUDOLUS
Why, at present, I’m still a slave.
HARPAX
So you seem to be; and you don’t look to be one worthy to be free.
PSEUDOLUS
Ain’t you in the habit of looking at yourself when you abuse another person?
HARPAX
aside . This must be a roguish fellow.
PSEUDOLUS
aside . The Gods protect and favour me! for this is my anvil: this day will I hammer out thence full many a device.
HARPAX
Why is he talking to himself alone?
PSEUDOLUS
How say you, young man —— ?
HARPAX
What is it?
PSEUDOLUS
Are you, or are you not, from that Captain of Macedonia? The servant of him, 1 mean, who bought a damsel of us here, who gave fifteen silver minæ to the procurer, my
master, and is still owing five?
HARPAX
I am. But where in the world have you ever known me, or have ever seen or spoken to me? For in fact, before this day, I never was at Athens, nor did I ever before this day behold you with my eyes * * * * * * * * * *
PSEUDOLUS
Because you seem likely to be from him; for at the time when he went away, this was the day appointed for the money, on which he was to pay it to us, and he has not brought it as yet.
HARPAX
Yes, here it is. Holding up the bag.
PSEUDOLUS
What? — have you brought it?
HARPAX
I, myself.
PSEUDOLUS
Do you at all hesitate to give it me?
HARPAX
I, give it you?
PSEUDOLUS
Aye, faith, to me, who manage the business and the accounts of my master Ballio, receive his money, and pay it to him to whom he owes it.
HARPAX
By my troth, if you were even the keeper of the treasures of supreme Jove, I would never entrust a groat of silver to you.
PSEUDOLUS
pointing . While you’ve been making yourself so big, the money has become loose.
HARPAX
I’ll keep it the rather tied up — this way. Ties the mouth of the bag.
PSEUDOLUS
Woe to you! You indeed have been found to doubt my honor. As though innumerable times as much are not in the habit of being entrusted to me alone.
HARPAX
It’s possible that others may think so, and that I mayn’t trust you.
PSEUDOLUS
As though you meant to say that I wished to chouse you out of the money.
HARPAX
Why, yes; as though you meant to say so; and as though I, on the other hand, meant to suspect it. But what’s your name?
PSEUDOLUS
aside . This procurer has a servant of the name of Syrus; I’ll say that I am he. I am Syrus.
HARPAX
Syrus?
PSEUDOLUS
That’s my name.
HARPAX
We are making many words. If your master’s at home, why don’t you call him out, that I may transact that for which I was sent here, whatever be your name?
PSEUDOLUS
If he were within I would call him out. But if you choose to give it me, it will be more truly paid than if you were to give it to himself.
HARPAX
But now do you know how it is? My master has sent me to pay this, not to lose it. But I know, to a certainty, that you are in a fever now, because you cannot lay your claws upon it. I shall entrust the money to no person except to Ballio himself.