by Plautus
PSEUDOLUS
But at present he’s full of business: a cause of his is being tried before the judge.
HARPAX
May the Gods prosper it! And I, when I shall think that he’s at home, will come again. Do you take this letter from me, and give it him: for in it is the token agreed upon between your master and mine about the damsel.
PSEUDOLUS
For my part, I understand it; the person who should bring the money and the impress of his likeness hither to us, with him he said he wished the damsel to be sent; for he left a specimen of it here as well.
HARPAX
You understand the whole affair?
PSEUDOLUS
Why should I not understand it?
HARPAX
Give him this token then. Gives the letter and token.
PSEUDOLUS
Very well. But what’s your name?
HARPAX
Harpax.
PSEUDOLUS
Get along with you, Harpax, I like you not. By my troth, you really shan’t enter this house, lest you should be doing something in the harpy line.
HARPAX
I am wont to carry off my enemies alive from the battle-field; from that circumrstance is my name.
PSEUDOLUS
I’ faith, I think that you are much more likely to carry off the brass pots from a house.
HARPAX
Such is not the fact. But, Syrus, do you know what I request of you?
PSEUDOLUS
I shall know, if you tell me.
HARPAX
I shall put up outside of the gate here, at the third shop, at the house of that tun-bellied, limping, fat old woman, Chrysis.
PSEUDOLUS
What do you wish then?
HARPAX
That you’ll fetch me thence when your master comes.
PSEUDOLUS
At your pleasure; by all means.
HARPAX
For, as I’ve come wearied off my journey, I wish to refresh myself.
PSEUDOLUS
You are very wise, and your plan is agreable to me. But take care, please, that you are not out of the way when I send for you.
HARPAX
Why, when I’ve dined, I shall indulge myself with a nap.
PSEUDOLUS
I quite agree with you.
HARPAX
Do you wish aught else?
PSEUDOLUS
That you’ll be off to take your nap.
HARPAX
I’m off.
PSEUDOLUS
And, do you hear, Harpax? Order yourself to be covered up, please; you’ll receive the benefit if you take a good sweat. (Exit HARPAX.)
PSEUDOLUS, alone.
PSEUDOLUS
Immortal Gods! this man has preserved me by his coming. By his supply for my journey he has brought me from my wanderings quite into the right way. For the Goddess Opportunity herself could not come to me more opportunely, than has this letter in this opportune manner been brought to me. For this has been brought as a horn of plenty, in which there is whatever I wish for: here are my wiles, here all my tricks, here my stratagems, here my money, here his mistress for my master’s son so much in love. And now how vaunting shall I show myself; how, with a breast so fertile in expedients, I was to do each thing, how, to steal away the damsel from the procurer, I had all my plans arranged in order in my mind as I desired, fixed, planned out. But, no doubt, thus will it come to pass: this Goddess Fortune, unaided, prevails over the designs of a hundred armed men. And this is the fact, just as each person uses his fortune, so does he surpass others, and forthwith we all pronounce him wise. When we learn that the counsels of any person have turned out well, we declare that he is a prudent man; but that he is a fool who is unsuccessful. In our folly we know not how much we are mistaken, when we eagerly wish anything to be given to us; as though we ourselves could possibly know what is for our advantage. We lose what is certain, while we are seeking what is uncertain. And this comes to pass, amid labours and amid sorrow, that death meanwhile comes creeping on. But there’s enough now of philosophizing; I have been talking too long, and at too great length. Immortal Gods! my lie was not dear at its weight in double-distilled gold, which I just now trumped up here on the spur of the moment, when I said that I belonged to the procurer. Now, through this letter shall I deceive three persons — my master, and the procurer, and him who gave me this letter. Excellent! another thing as well has happened, that I wished for: see, Calidorus is coming; he is bringing some one with him, I know not whom. Stands apart.
Enter CALIDORUS and CHARINUS.
CALIDORUS
The sweets and the bitters, all have I disclosed to you. You know my love, you know my difficulty, you know my poverty.
CHARINUS
I well remember all; do you only let me know what you want me to do.
CALIDORUS
Pseudolus has directed me thus, that I should bring to him some bold and zealous person.
CHARINUS
You observe your directions well; for you bring him one both friendly and zealous. But this Pseudolus is a stranger to me.
CALIDORUS
He is a very clever fellow — he is my contriver. He said that he would effect those things for me that I have told you of.
PSEUDOLUS
apart . I’ll address this person in a very lofty strain.
CALIDORUS
Whose voice is it that’s heard here?
PSEUDOLUS
Oh! thee, sovereign lord, thee, oh! thee do I address who dost rule over Pseudolus: thee do I seek, to impart to thee delights thrice three, threefold, acquired by three contrivances, obtained over three persons through craftiness and through subtlety, which in this very little sealed packet I have brought unto you. Holds up the letter.
CALIDORUS
That’s the fellow; how the hang-dog does bluster just like a tragedian.
PSEUDOLUS
Advance a step on thy side towards me. Boldly stretch forth thine arm for greeting.
CALIDORUS
taking his hand . Tell me, Pseudolus, whether, as Hope or as Safety, must I greet you?
PSEUDOLUS
Why both.
CALIDORUS
As both I greet you. But what has been done? Why are you silent? I have carried this person here. Pointing to CHARINUS.
PSEUDOLUS
How? Carried him here?
CALIDORUS
Brought, I meant to say.
PSEUDOLUS
Who’s this person?
CALIDORUS
Charinus.
PSEUDOLUS
Well done; I return him thanks then.
CHARINUS
Will you then boldly enjoin me what it is necessary to do?
PSEUDOLUS
My thanks, so far. May it be well with you, Charinus; I don’t like that we should be troublesome to you.
CHARINUS
You, troublesome to me? Now, really, that’s troublesome.
PSEUDOLUS
Well, then, wait a moment. Takes the letter out from under his dress.
CALIDORUS
What’s that?
PSEUDOLUS
This letter have I just now intercepted, and the token.
CALIDORUS
Token? What token?
PSEUDOLUS
The one that was brought just now from the Captain. His servant, who was bringing it, with five mineæ of silver, who came to fetch your mistress hence, him I have just now bamboozled.
CALIDORUS
How so?
PSEUDOLUS
For the sake of these Spectators the play is being performed; they know, who were present here; you I’ll tell at another time.
CALIDORUS
What are we to do then?
PSEUDOLUS
You shall this day embrace your mistress at liberty.
CALIDORUS
What, I?
PSEUDOLUS
You yourself.
CALIDORUS
I?
PSEUDOLUS
Your own self, I say, if indeed this head shall exist so long; if you’ll only quickly find me out a man.
CHARINUS
Of what description?
PSEUDOLUS
A cunning, crafty and clever one, who, when he has once taken hold of the beginning, may by his own ingenuity still hold fast upon what it behoves him to do; one, too, who has not often been seen here.
CHARINUS
If he is a slave, does that matter at all?
PSEUDOLUS
Why, I’d much rather have him than a free man.
CHARINUS
I think that I’m able to procure for you a cunning and clever fellow, that has lately come to my father from Carystus, and hasn’t as yet gone anywhere out the house, and who never visited Athens before yesterday.
PSEUDOLUS
You assist in right earnest. But I have need to borrow five minæ of silver, which I shall repay this day, for his father pointing to CALIDORUS owes it me.
CHARINUS
I’ll lend it; don’t seek it anywhere else.
PSEUDOLUS
O, how convenient a person for me. I have need of a scarf as well, a sword, and a broad-brimmed hat.
CHARINUS
I can provide them from my house.
PSEUDOLUS
Immortal Gods! surely this is not Charinus for me, but Abundance. But this servant, who is come here from Carystus, is there anything in him?
CHARINUS
Plenty of the stinking goat in him.
PSEUDOLUS
It befits the fellow, then, to have a tunic with long sleeves Has the chap anything sharp in his breast?
CHARINUS
Aye, of the very sharpest.
PSEUDOLUS
But if it is necessary for him to draw forth what is sweet from the same place, has he aught of that?
CHARINUS
Do you ask that He has wine of myrrh, sweet raisin wine, spice wine honey wine, sweets of every sort. Why, he once began to set up a hot liquor-shop in his breast.
PSEUDOLUS
Bravissi o! Why, Charinus, you beat me cleverly at my own game. But what am I to say is the name of this servant?
CHARINUS
Simmia.
PSEUDOLUS
In a difficulty, does he understand how to twirl about?
CHARINUS
A whirlwind is not so ready as he.
PSEUDOLUS
Is he shrewd at all?
CHARINUS
In mischievous tricks very often.
PSEUDOLUS
How, when he’s caught in the fact?
CHARINUS
He’s a very eel; he slips out.
PSEUDOLUS
Is this fellow an experienced one?
CHARINUS
A public ordinance is not more experienced.
PSEUDOLUS
He is a suitable person, according to what I hear you say.
CHARINUS
Aye, and from this you may know it. When he looks at you he’ll tell, of his own accord, what it is you want with him. But what are you about to do?
PSEUDOLUS
I’ll tell you. When I’ve dressed up my man, I intend to make him become the pretended servant of the Captain; let him take this token to the procurer, with five minæ of silver. There’s the whole plot for you. As for the rest, in what way he is to do each thing, I’ll instruct himself.
CALIDORUS
Why, therefore, do we stand here then?
PSEUDOLUS
Bring the fellow to me just now, dressed out with all his accoutrements, to Æschinus, the banker’s. But make all haste.
CALIDORUS
We’ll be there before you.
PSEUDOLUS
Get you gone there quickly. CALIDORUS and CHARINUS go into SIMO’S house. Whatever before was uncertain or doubtful in my mind, is now clear-now fined to the dregs; my heart has now an open path. All my legions will I lead forth under their standards with happy omen with favorable auspices, and to my heart’s content. I have a certainty that I can rout my enemies. Now will I go to the Forum, and load Simmia with my instructions what he is to do, that he may not be tripping at all, and that he may cleverly lay the train for this plot. Soon now shall I cause the town of this procurer to be carried by storm. (Exit.)
ACT III.
Enter a BOY from the house of BALLIO.
A BOY
On that Boy on whom the Gods bestow servitude under a procurer, when they add a base occupation as well, assuredly do they, so far as I now understand in my mind, bestow upon him a great misfortune and miseries manifold. Just as this servitude has turned out to me, where I am set over duties great and small; nor am I able to find any admirer to love me, so that at length I might be fitted out in a little better guise. Now this day is the birthday of this procurer. The procurer has made a determination, from the lowest to the highest, that if each one does not this day send him a present, he shall perish to-morrow with the greatest torments. Now, faith, I know not what to do in my line, for, unless I shall send a present to the procurer this day, to-morrow must I swallow down fullers’ produce. And yet I cannot do that which they who can are wont to do. Alas! how little am I, even still for this vocation. And by my troth, now, to my misfortune how fearfully do I dread punishment. If any one lays on whose hand is too heavy, although they say that it generally is done amid great weeping, I think that I am able in some measure to keep my teeth closed. But I must keep close my lips and my talking, for see, my master is betaking himself home, and bringing a Cook with him. Stands at a distance.
Enter BALLIO and a COOK.
BALLIO
Those who call it the cook’s market, call it so foolishly; for ’tis not a cook’s market, but a thieves’ market. For if, upon oath, I were to seek out the worst of men, I couldn’t have brought a worse one than this fellow that I’m bringing, one, chattering, bragging, silly, and worthless. Why, for this very reason Orcus has declined to take him to himself, that he might be here to cook a banquet for the dead; for here he is able to cook a thing to please them alone.
A COOK.
If you thought of me in this manner that you are mentioning, why did you hire me?
BALLIO
From scarcity; there wasn’t another. But why, if you were a cook, were you sitting in the market-place, you alone behind the rest?
A COOK.
I’ll tell you. By reason of the avarice of men have I become an inferior cook, not through my own inclination.
BALLIO
For what reason is that?
A COOK.
I’ll tell you. Because, in fact, directly people come to hire a cook, no one enquires for him that’s the best and the highest priced: rather do they hire him that’s the lowest priced. Through this have I to-day been the only sitter in the market. Those wretched fellows are for a drachma a-piece; not any person is able to prevail on me to rise for less than a didrachm. I don’t cook a dinner too, like other cooks, who bring me up seasoned meadows of grass upon their dishes; who turn the guests into oxen, and supply the grass. This herbage, too, do they further season with other herbs: put in coriander, fennel, garlick, orage; they add, too, sorrel, cabbage, beet, and spinach. In this they dissolve a pound weight of asafœtida. The roguish mustard is pounded, which makes the eyes of those that pound it drop tears before they have pounded it. These fellows, when they cook dinners, when they do season them, season them, not with seasonings, but with vampyre owls which eat out the bowels of the guests while still alive. Through this, in fact, it is, that people here live such short lives, inasmuch as they heap up these herbs of this sort in their stomachs, dreadful to be mentioned, not only to be eaten. Herbage which the cattle eat not, men eat themselves.
BALLIO
What do you say? Do you use divine seasonings, by which you can prolong the life of men, you, who find fault with these other seasonings?
A COOK.
I proclaim it boldly; f
or those who shall eat of my victuals which I have seasoned will be able to exist two hundred years even. For when I’ve put into the saucepan either cicilendrum, or cepolindrum, or mace, or saucaptis, the very dishes become warmed forthwith. These are sauces for fish, the cattle of Neptune; the flesh of the earthly cattle I season with cicimandrum, hapalopsis, or cataractria.
BALLIO
Now may Jupiter and all the Divinities confound you with your sauces, and with all those lies of yours!
A COOK.
Do allow me to speak, please.
BALLIO
Speak, and go to very perdition.
A COOK.
When all the saucepans are hot, I open them all then does the odour fly towards heaven with its handhanging down.
BALLIO
The odour with its hands hanging down?
A COOK.
I made a mistake without thinking.
BALLIO
How so?
A COOK.
With its feet hanging down, I meant to say. Jupiter dines on that odour every day.
BALLIO
If you happen not to go out to cook, pray what does Jupiter dine upon?
A COOK.
He goes to sleep without his dinner.
BALLIO
Go to very perdition. Is it for this reason that I’m to give you a didrachm to-day?
A COOK.
Well, I confess that I am a very high-priced cook; but I make the results of my labour to be seen for the price, hired at which I go out.
BALLIO
In thieving, to wit.
A COOK.
And do you expect to meet with any cook except with the claws of a kite or of an eagle?
BALLIO
And do you expect to go anywhere to cook, and not to cook the dinner there with your claws tied up? Now, therefore, you boy to the BOY , who are my servant, I now give you notice to make haste to remove hence all my property; and to keep his eyes as well in your sight. Whichever way he shall look, do you look the same way as well. If he shall move in any direction, do you move as well. If he shall put forth his hand, put you forth your hand as well. If he shall take anything of his own, do you suffer him to take it; if he shall take what’s mine, do you on the other side hold him fast. If he shall stoop to the ground, do you stoop there as well. Likewise over your understrappers I shall appoint a single guard a-piece.
A COOK.