by Plautus
Only have good courage.
BALLIO
Prithee, tell me how I possibly can have good courage, who am taking you home to my house?
A COOK.
Because, by my broth, this day will I do just in the way that Medea cooked up the old man Pelias whom she is said by a draught and by her potions from an aged man to have made young again; so will I make you likewise.
BALLIO
How now; are you an enchanter as well?
A COOK.
Why no, by my troth, I am rather a preserver of mankind.
BALLIO
Well now; for how much would you teach me that one point in cooking?
A COOK.
What point?
BALLIO
That I may preserve you from pilfering anything from me.
A COOK.
For a didrachm, if you believe me; if not, not for a mina even. But whether are you about to-day to give a dinner, to your friends or to your enemies?
BALLIO
Why, faith, to my friends surely.
A COOK.
But why don’t you invite your enemies to it rather than your friends? For this day will I present to the guests a banquet so savoury, and I’ll season it with such a dulcet sweetness, that whoever shall taste each thing that’s seasoned, I’ll make that same person to gnaw off the ends of his own fingers.
BALLIO
Troth now, prithee, before you shall present aught to the guests do you yourself first taste, and give some to your understrappers, that you may gnaw off the ends of your own pilfering hands.
A COOK.
Perhaps then you don’t believe me in the things that I say.
BALLIO
Don’t you be troublesome; you din me too much; you don’t please me by it. See, there I live. Points to his house. Do you go in-doors and cook the dinner, with all speed.
A BOY
Why don’t you go, and take your place? Go and find the guests; the dinner’s spoiling already. COOK and BOY go into the house.
BALLIO
Now, just look, please, at that young offshoot; for he, too, is a good-for-nothing deputy-scullion for the cook. Truly I don’t know what now first to be on my guard against; such thieves there are in my house, and there’s a robber close at hand. For my neighbour here, the father of Calidorus, a short time since, in the market-place, asked me by all means to be on my guard against his servant Pseudolus, not to put any trust in him; for that he is on the hunt this day, if possible to dupe me out of the woman. He said that he had stoutly promised to him that he would get away Phœnicium from me by stratagem. I’ll now go indoors and give notice to my household, that no one must put any trust whatever in this Pseudolus. Goes into his house.
ACT IV.
Enter PSEUDOLUS.
PSEUDOLUS
If the immortal Gods ever did determine that any person should be assisted by their aid, now do they intend that Calidorus shall be preserved for me, and the procurer destroyed, inasmuch as they produced you for my assistant, so clever and so knowing a fellow. (Looking back.) But where is he? am I not a silly fellow to be thus talking to myself alone? I’ faith, he has put a trick upon myself, as I fancy; myself one knave, I have been poorly on my guard against another knave. By my troth I’m undone, if this fellow’s off, and I shall not carry into effect this day what I intended. But see, there he is, a statue that deserves a whipping; how stately he does stalk along! HARPAX.
PSEUDOLUS
How now! By my faith I was looking about for you; I was very greatly afraid that you were off.
SIMO
It was my character to do so, I confess.
PSEUDOLUS
Where were you loitering?
SIMO
Where I pleased.
PSEUDOLUS
That I know well enough already.
SIMO
Why then do you ask me what you know?
PSEUDOLUS
Why this I want, to put you in mind.
SIMO
Needing to be put in mind yourself, don’t you be putting me in mind.
PSEUDOLUS
Really I am treated by you quite with contempt.
SIMO
And why shouldn’t I treat you with contempt, I who have the repute of being a military gentleman?
PSEUDOLUS
I want this then, which has been commenced, to be completed.
SIMO
Do you see me a-doing anything else?
PSEUDOLUS
Therefore walk on briskly.
SIMO
No, I choose to go slowly.
PSEUDOLUS
This is the opportunity; while this Harpax is asleep, I want you to be the first to accost him.
SIMO
Why are you hurrying? Softly; don’t you fear. I wish Jupiter would so make it, that he were openly in the same place with me, whoever he is, that has arrived from the Captain. Never a jot, by my troth, should he be a bit the better Harpax than I. Have good courage, I’ll have this business nicely accounted for to you. So by my tricks and lies would I put this military stranger in a fright that he himself would deny that he is the person that he is, and would believe me to be the person that he himself is.
PSEUDOLUS
How can that be?
SIMO
You are murdering me when you ask me that.
PSEUDOLUS
A clever fellow.
SIMO
And so are you too, who are quite my equal with your mischievous tricks and lies * * * * * * *
PSEUDOLUS
May Jupiter preserve you for me.
SIMO
Aye, and for myself. But look, does this dress become me quite well?
PSEUDOLUS
It suits very well.
SIMO
Be it so.
PSEUDOLUS
May the Deities grant you as many blessings as you may wish for yourself. For if I were to wish for as many as you are deserving of, they would be less than nothing; aside nor have I ever seen any one more of a rogue than this fellow.
SIMO
overhearing him . Do you say that to me?
PSEUDOLUS
This man’s an honest fellow.
SIMO
It is neither this person, then pointing to PSEUDOLUS , nor myself.
PSEUDOLUS
But take care that you don’t be tripping.
SIMO
Can’t you hold your tongue? He that puts a man in mind of that which, remembering it, he does keep in mind, causes him to forget it. I recollect everything; they are stored up in my breast; my plans are cleverly laid.
PSEUDOLUS
I’m silent. But what good turn shall I do you if you carry through this matter with management? So may the Gods love me ——
SIMO
They won’t do so; you’ll be uttering sheer falsehoods then.
PSEUDOLUS
How I do love you, Simmia, for your roguery, and both fear and laud you.
SIMO
That I have learned to make a present of to others; you can’t put your flatteries on me.
PSEUDOLUS
In how delightful a manner I shall receive you this day, when you have completed this matter.
SIMO
Ha, ha, ha! Laughing.
PSEUDOLUS
With nice viands, wine, perfumes, and titbits between our cups. There, too, shall be a charming damsel, who shall give you kiss upon kiss.
SIMO
You will be receiving me in a delightful manner.
PSEUDOLUS
Aye, and if you effect it, then I’ll make you say so still more.
SIMO
If I don’t effect it, do you, the executioner, take me off to torture. But make haste and point out to me where is the door of the procurer’s house.
PSEUD.
’Tis the third hence.
SIMO
Hist! hush! the door’s opening.
PSEUDOLUS
In my mind, I belie
ve that the house is poorly.
SIMO
Why so?
PSEUDOLUS
Because, i’ faith, it is vomiting forth the procurer. BALLIO is coming out of his house.
SIMO
Is this he?
PSEUDOLUS
This is his own self.
SIMO
’Tis a worthless commodity.
PSEUDOLUS
Do see that: he doesn’t go straight, but sideways, just as a crab is wont. They conceal themselves from BALLIO.
Enter BALLIO from his house.
BALLIO
I do believe that this fellow is not so bad a cook as I thought he was; for he has clawed off nothing as yet except a cup and a tankard.
PSEUDOLUS
apart to SIMMIA . Hallo you! now’s your opportunity and your time.
SIMO
I agree with you.
PSEUDOLUS
Step slily out into the street; I’ll be here in ambush. SIMMIA steps forward, and then walks along the middle of the street to meet BALLIO.
SIMO
talking aloud to himself . I took the number carefully; this is the sixth lane from the city gate; down that lane he bade me turn; how many houses down he told me, that I don’t quite know for certain.
BALLIO
eyeing SIMMIA . Who’s this fellow in the scarf, or whence does he come, or whom is he looking for? The appearance of the fellow seems outlandish and shabby.
SIMO
But see, here’s a person, who, from uncertainty, will make the thing more certain for me that I wish to know.
BALLIO
He’s coming straight towards me. Where in the world am I to say this fellow comes from?
SIMO
Harkye! you who are standing there with a goat’s beard, answer me this that I ask you.
BALLIO
How now! Don’t you salute me first?
SIMO
with a surly voice . I have no salutations to give away.
BALLIO
Well, troth, you shall get just as much from here then.
PSEUDOLUS
from behind . Well done, at the very beginning.
SIMO
Do you know any person in this lane, I ask you?
BALLIO
I know myself.
SIMO
Few persons do that which you mention; for in the Forum there is hardly every tenth person that knows his own self.
PSEUDOLUS
from behind . I’m all right; he is philosophizing now.
SIMO
I’m looking for a fellow here, a bad one, a law breaker, an impious, perjured, and dishonest rogue.
BALLIO
aside . He’s looking for me, for those are my titles If he would only mention the name. To SIMMIA. What’s the name of this person?
SIMO
Ballio, the procurer.
BALLIO
Do I know him? I am the very person, young man, that you are looking for.
SIMO
What, are you Ballio?
BALLIO
I really am he.
SIMO
How you are clothed, a housebreaker * * * * * * * * * * He takes hold of BALLIO’S cloak.
BALLIO
I think if you were to see me in the dark, you’d be keeping your hand off.
SIMO
My master bade me present you many greetings. Receive this letter from me; he bade me give you it.
BALLIO
Who’s the person that bade you?
PSEUDOLUS
from behind . I’m undone, now the fellow’s in the middle of the mud. He doesn’t know the name — this business is at a dead lock.
BALLIO
Who do you say sent me this?
SIMO
Observe the seal; do you yourself tell me his name, that I may know that you are Ballio himself.
BALLIO
Give me the letter.
SIMO
Take it, and look at the seal. Gives him the letter.
BALLIO
looking at it . Oho! ’Tis nothing more nor less than Polymachæroplagides, his own very self; I recognize it. Hallo you, Polymachæroplagides is his name!
SIMO
I know now that I have rightly given you the letter, since you have mentioned the name of Polymachæroplagides,
BALLIO
How fares he?
SIMO
By my troth, just as a brave man and a good soldier should. But make haste, I beg, to read this letter through, for it is requisite to do so, and to take this money at once and send out the damsel. For it’s necessary for me this day to be at Sicyon, or else to suffer death to-morrow; so peremptory is my master.
BALLIO
I know it: you are telling those who know it already.
SIMO
Make haste then to read the letter through.
BALLIO
I’ll do so, if you’ll only hold your tongue. He reads the letter. “The Captain Polymachæroplagides sends this letter, written to the procurer Ballio, sealed with the impression which was formerly agreed upon between us two.”
SIMO
The token’s in the letter
BALLIO
I see the token and I recognize it. But is he in the habit of sending no greeting written in his letter?
SIMO
Such is the military etiquette, Ballio; with their hand they send health to their well-wishers, and with the same do they send destruction to their evil-wishers. But as you have commenced, go on to ascertain of yourself what this letter says.
BALLIO
Listen then. Reading on. “Harpax is my camp-servant, who has come to you.” Are you this Harpax?
SIMO
I am, and the real Harpax too.
BALLIO
reading on . “Who brings this letter; I wish the money to be received from him, and the woman to be sent together with him. ’Tis becoming to send greeting to the worthy; had I deemed you worthy, I should have sent it to you.”
SIMO
What then?
BALLIO
Pay me the money, take away the woman.
SIMO
Which of us is delaying the matter?
BALLIO
Follow me in-doors then.
SIMO
I’m following. They go into BALLIO’S house.
PSEUDOLUS comes forward.
PSEUDOLUS
I’ troth, a more artful fellow, and one more skilfully cunning, I never did see than is this same Simmia. Very much do I dread this man, and sadly do I fear that he may prove mischievous against myself just as he has been against him; lest in his prosperity he may now turn his horns against me, if he finds an opportunity. Should he prove mischievous towards me * * * * But, i’ faith, for my part I hope not, for I wish well to him. Now in three ways am I in the greatest dread. First of all then, I dread this comrade of mine, lest he should forsake me and go over from me to the enemy. Next do I dread that my master should in the meantime return from the Forum; lest, the booty taken, the plunderers should be taken. Together with these things do I fear, lest that other Harpax should arrive here before this Harpax has departed hence with the woman. By my faith, I’m undone; they are very slow in coming out of doors. With baggage packed up, my heart is waiting, ready, if he doesn’t bring out the damsel together with himself, to fly away in exile out from of my breast. * * * * * * The door of BALLIO’S house opens. I’m the conqueror — I’ve got the better of my wary guards.
Enter SIMMIA, from BALLIO’S house, leading PHŒNICIUM.
SIMO
to PHŒNICIUM . Don’t weep: you know not how the matter is, Phœnicium; but before long I’ll let you know it when you are resting. I’m not leading you to that Macedonian long-teethed fellow, who now causes you to be weeping. To him will I lead you, whose you especially long to be. I’ll cause you before very long to be embracing Calidorus.
PSEUDOLUS
Prithee, why did you stay so long in-doors? For how long a
time was my heart throbbing with beating against my breast.
SIMO
You have found reason, you whipping-post, with a vengeance to be making enquires of me * * * * * * * amid the ambush of the enemy. Why don’t we go home with all speed with military strides.
PSEUDOLUS
Now, by my troth, although you are a worthless fellow, you advise aright. March in triumphal procession, this way, straight in the path to the festive goblet. They march off in triumphal procession.
Enter BALLIO, from his house.
BALLIO
Ha, ha, ha! laughing. Now, at last, my mind is in a state of ease, since that fellow has departed hence, and taken away the woman. I should like Pseudolus now to come, that wicked rascal, to carry the woman off from me by his stratagems. I know for sure, right well, that I had rather in solemn form perjure myself a thousand times, than that he should cheat me by making a laughing-stock of me. By my troth now, I’ll laugh at the fellow if I meet him. But I guess that he’ll soon be on the treadmill, just as befits him. Now I wish for Simo that he would come in my way, in order that he might be joyful in common with my joy.
Enter SIMO.
SIMO
to himself . I’m going to see what business my Ulysses has transacted; whether he now has the statue from the Ballionian citadel.
BALLIO
O, lucky man! give me your lucky hand. Takes his hand.
SIMO
What’s the matter?
BALLIO
Now.
SIMO
What now?
BALLIO
There’s nothing at all for you to fear.
SIMO
What’s the matter? Has that fellow Pseudolus come to you?
BALLIO
No.
SIMO
What good fortune is there, then?
BALLIO
Your twenty minæ are safe and sound which Pseudolus stipulated for from you this day.
SIMO
I’ faith, I really do wish they were.
BALLIO
Ask of me twenty minæ if he this day gets hold of that woman, or gives her to your son this day, as he has promised. On my word, prithee, do demand them of me; I quite long to promise them. And, besides this, keep the woman as a present for yourself, that in every way you may know that your money’s safe.
SIMO
There’s no danger that I know of in making this bargain. According as you have solemnly pledged your word, will you give me twenty minæ?
BALLIO
They shall be given.
SIMO
This, indeed, is not sa badly done. But have you met the fellow?
BALLIO
Aye, both of them together.
SIMO
What did he say? What did ho talk about? Prithee, what did he mention to you?