by Plautus
PHILUMENA
Why, surely the sound of my father’s voice reached my ears.
PAMPHILA
I’ troth, ’tis he; let’s hasten to meet him with a kiss. They both run to kiss him.
PHILUMENA
My father, my respects.
ANTIPHO
And to you the same. Away this instant, and be off from me, Removes her.
PHILUMENA
One kiss.
ANTIPHO
I’ve had enough of your kissing.
PHILUMENA
Prithee, father, why so?
ANTIPHO
Because, as it is, the seasoning of your affection has reached my soul.
PAMPHILA
Sit down here, father. Points to a chair.
ANTIPHO
I’ll not sit there; do you sit down; I’ll sit on the bench. Sits on a bench.
PAMPHILA
Wait till I fetch a cushion.
ANTIPHO
You take kind care of me; I’m nicely seated now as I am.
PAMPHILA
Do let me, father. Goes into the house.
ANTIPHO
What need is there?
PAMPHILA
There is need. Coming out, and bringing a cushion.
ANTIPHO
I’ll submit to you. Arranging the cushion. Yes, this does very well.
PAMPHILA
Why, daughters can never take too much care of their parent. Whom is it proper that we should esteem more dear than yourself? And then, in the next place, father, our husbands, for whom you have chosen that we should be the mothers of families.
ANTIPHO
You do as it is proper for good wives to do, in esteeming your husbands, though absent, just as though they were present.
PAMPHILA
’Tis propriety, father, for us to highly honor those who have chosen us as companions for themselves.
ANTIPHO
Is there any other person here to listen with his ears to our conversation?
PHILUMENA
There’s no one except us and yourself.
ANTIPHO
I wish your attention to be given; for, unacquainted with female matters and ways, I come now as a pupil to you, my instructresses; in order that each of you may tell me what endowments matrons ought to have, who are the best esteemed.
PAMPHILA
What’s the reason that you come hither to enquire about the ways of females?
ANTIPHO
Troth, I’m looking for a wife, as your mother’s dead and gone.
PAMPHILA
You’ll easily find, father, one both worse and of worse morals than she was; one better you’ll neither find nor does the sun behold.
ANTIPHO
But I’m making the enquiry of you, and of this sister of yours.
PAMPHILA
I’ faith, father, I know how they should be, if they are to be such as I think right.
ANTIPHO
I wish, then, to know what you do think right.
PAMPHILA
That when they walk through the city, they should shut the mouths of all, so that none can speak ill of them with good reason.
ANTIPHO
to PHILUMENA . And now speak you in your turn.
PHILUMENA
What do you wish that I should speak to you about, father?
ANTIPHO
How is the woman most easily distinguished, who is of a good disposition?
PHILUMENA
When she, who has the power of doing ill, refrains from doing so.
ANTIPHO
Not bad that. To PAMPHILA. Come, say you, which choice is the preferable, to marry a maiden or a widow?
PAMPHILA
So far as my skill extends, of many evils, that which is the least evil, the same is the least an evil. He that can avoid the women, let him avoid them, so that each day he takes care, the day before, not to do that which, the day after, he may regret.
ANTIPHO
What sort of woman, pray, seems to you by far the wisest?
PHILUMENA
She who, when affairs are prosperous, shall still be able to know herself, and who with equanimity can endure it to be worse with her than it has been.
ANTIPHO
By my troth, in merry mood have I been trying the bent of your dispositions. But ’tis this for which I am come to you, and for which I wished to meet you both. My friends are advising me to the effect that I should remove you hence to my own house.
PAMPHILA
But still, we, whose interests are concerned, are advising you quite otherwise. For either, father, we ought not formerly to have been bestowed in marriage, unless our husbands pleased you, or, it is not right for us now to be taken away when they are absent.
ANTIPHO
And shall I suffer you while I am alive to remain married to men who are beggars?
PAMPHILA
This beggar of mine is agreable to me; her own king is agreable to the queen. In poverty have I the same feelings that once I had in riches.
ANTIPHO
And do you set such high value on thieves and beggars?
PHILUMENA
You did not, as I think, give me in marriage to the money, but to the man.
ANTIPHO
Why are you still in expectation of those who have been absent for now three years? Why don’t you accept an eligible match in place of a very bad one?
PAMPHILA
’Tis folly, father, to lead unwilling dogs to hunt. That wife is an enemy, who is given to a man in marriage against her will.
ANTIPHO
Are you then determined that neither of you will obey the command of your father?
PHILUMENA
We do obey; for where you gave us in marriage, thence are we unwilling to depart.
ANTIPHO
Kindly good b’ye; I’ll go and tell my friends your resolutions.
PAMPHILA
They will, I doubt not, think us the more honorable, if you tell them to honorable men.
ANTIPHO
Take you care, then, of their domestic concerns, the best way that you can. (Exit.)
PHILUMENA
Now you gratify us, when you direct us aright: now we will hearken to you. Now, sister, let’s go indoors.
PAMPHILA
Well, first I’ll take a look at home. If, perchance, any news should come to you from your husband, take you care that I know it.
PHILUMENA
Neither will I conceal it from you, nor do you conceal from me what you may know. Calls at the door of her house. Ho there, Crocotium, go, fetch hither Gelasimus, the Parasite; bring him here with you. For, i’ faith, I wish to send him to the harbour, to see if, perchance, any ship from Asia has arrived there yesterday or to-day. But, one servant has been sitting at the harbour whole days in waiting; still, however, I wish it to be visited every now and then. Make haste, and return immediately. Each goes into her own house.
Enter GELASIMUS.
GELASIMUS
I do suspect that Famine was my mother; for since I was born I have never been filled with victuals. And no man could better return the favour to his mother, than do I right unwillingly return it to my mother, Famine. For in her womb, for ten months she bore me, whereas I have been carrying her for more than ten years in my stomach. She, too, carried me but a little child, wherefore I judge that she endured the less labour; in my stomach no little Famine do I bear, but of full growth, i’ faith, and extremely heavy. The labour-pains arise with me each day, but I’m unable to bring forth my mother, nor know I what to do. I’ve often heard it so said that the elephant is wont to be pregnant ten whole years; for sure this hunger of mine is of its breed. For now for many a year has it been clinging to, my inside. Now, if any person wants a droll fellow, I am on sale, with all my equipage: of a filling-up for these chasms am I in search. When little, my father gave me the name of Gelasimus, because, even from a tiny child, I was a droll chap. By reason of poverty, in
fact, did I acquire this name, because, it was poverty that made me to be a droll; for whenever she reaches a person, she instructs him thoroughly in every art. My father used to say that I was born when provisions were dear; for that reason, I do believe, I am now the more sharply set. But on our family such complacence has been bestowed — I am in the habit of refusing no person, if any one asks me out to eat. One form of expression has most unfortunately died away with people, and one, i’ faith, most beseeming and most elegant to my thinking, which formerly they employed: “Come here to dinner — do so — really, do promise — don’t make any difficulties — is it convenient? — I wish it to be so, I say; I’ll not part with you unless you come.” But now, in the present day, they have found a substitute for these expressions — a saying, by my faith, truly right worthless and most vile: “I’d invite you to dinner, were I not dining; out myself.” I’ faith, I wish the very loins of that phrase broken, that it mayn’t repeat its perjury if he does dine at his own house. These phrases reduce me to learn foreign habits, and to spare the necessity for an auctioneer, and so proclaim the auction, and put myself up for sale. GELASIMUS.
CROCOTIUM
aside . This is the Parasite, whom I’ve been sent to fetch. I’ll listen to what he’s saying, before I accost him.
GELASIMUS
Now there are a good many curious mischief-makers here, who, with extreme zeal, busy themselves with the affairs of other people, and who have themselves no affairs of their own to busy themselves with. They, when they know that any one is about to have an auction, go forthwith and sift out what’s the reason; whether a debt compels it, or whether he has purchased a farm; or whether, on a divorce, her marriage-portion is to be repaid to his wife. All these, although, i’ faith, I don’t judge them undeserving, in their most wretched state, to go toiling on, I don’t care about. I’ll proclaim the reason of my auction, that they may rejoice in my mishaps, for there’s no person a busybody but what he’s ill-natured too. Very great mishaps, alas! have befallen wretched me. So dreadfully afflicted has my property rendered me: my many drinking-bouts are dead and gone; how many dinners, too, that I’ve bewailed, are dead! how many a draught of honeyed wine; how many breakfasts, too, that I have lost within these last three years! In my wretchedness, for very grief and vexation have I quite grown old. I’m almost dead with hunger.
CROCOTIUM
aside . There’s no one such a droll, as he is when he is hungry.
GELASIMUS
Now am I resolved that I’ll make a sale: out of doors am I obliged to sell whatever I possess. Attend, if you please; the bargains will be for those who are present. I’ve funny bon mots to sell. Come, bid your price. Who bids a dinner? Does any one bid a breakfast? They’ll cost vou an Herculean breakfast or dinner. Ho, there! to one of the SPECTATORS did you nod to me? No one will offer you better — I won’t allow that any Parasite has better quibbles, cajoleries, and parasitical white lies. I’m selling a rusty flesh-scraper, too; a rusty-coloured brown bottle for the Greek unguents at the sweating-baths; delicate after-dinner powders; an empty Parasite as well pointing to himself , in whom to lay by your scraps. ’Tis needful that these should be sold at once for as much as they can; that, if I offer the tenth part. to Hercules, on that account it may be greater * * * * * *
CROCOTIUM
aside . An auction of no great value, by my troth. Hunger has taken hold of the very deepest recess of the fellow’s stomach. I’ll accost the man. Moves towards him.
GELASIMUS
Who’s this that’s coming towards me? Why, surely this is Crocotium, the maid-servant of Epignomus.
CROCOTIUM
My respects, Gelasimus.
GELASIMUS
That’s not my name.
CROCOTIUM
I’ faith, for sure that used to be your name.
GELASIMUS
Distinctly it was so, but I’ve lost it by use. Now I’m called Miccotrogus from what is fact.
CROCOTIUM
O dear! I’ve laughed a good deal at you to-day.
GELASIMUS
When? or in what place?
CROCOTIUM
Here, when you were carrying on a most worthless auction.
GELASIMUS
How now; did you really hear it?
CROCOTIUM
Aye, and one really right worthy of yourself.
GELASIMUS
Where are you bound for now?
CROCOTIUM
For yourself.
GELASIMUS
Why have you come?
CROCOTIUM
Philumena bade me ask you by all means to come to visit her at her house this instant, together with me.
GELASIMUS
I’ faith, but I’ll surely come there as fast as I can. Are the entrails cooked by this? With how many lambs has she been sacrificing?
CROCOTIUM
Indeed, she hasn’t been sacrificing at all.
GELASIMUS
How? What does she want with me, then?
CROCOTIUM
I think that she’s going to ask you for ten measures of wheat.
GELASIMUS
Or me rather ask it of her?
CROCOTIUM
No; that you yourself should lend them to us.
GELASIMUS
Tell her that I’ve nothing to give myself, or that she could wish to borrow, nor anything whatever, except this cloak that I have on. Even my very tongue that so freely used to offer itself I’ve sold as well.
CROCOTIUM
How? Have you got no tongue?
GELASIMUS
Why, the former one, that used to say “here, take me,” I’ve lost: see, here’s one now that says “give me.” Puts out his tongue.
CROCOTIUM
A curse may the Gods give you * * * *
GELASIMUS
Aye, if a curse you want, this same tongue will give you that.
CROCOTIUM
Well now, are you coming or not?
GELASIMUS
Well, be off home; tell her I’ll be there this moment; make haste and be off. CROCOTIUM goes into the house. I wonder why she has requested me to be fetched to her, who has never, before this day, requested that I should be fetched to her, ever since her husband left. I wonder what it can be; except it is for some experiment to be made upon me; I’ll go see what she wants. But see, here’s her boy, Pinacium. Look at that now; how very facetiously and just like a picture does he stand? Full many a time, for sure, in good troth, has he poured out for me the wine, almost unmixed, right cleverly into a very tiny cup indeed. Stands aside.
ACT II.
Enter PINACIUM at a distance, with a fishing-rod, hooks, and a basket in his hand.
PINACIUM
to himself . Mercury, who is said to be the messenger of Jove, never bore such pleasing tidings to his father, as I shall e’en now be telling to my mistress. So loaded do I bear my breast with joy and with delight; and really I don’t care to speak a syllable but in a highflown style. The charms of all the loves and graces do I bring; my heart, too, is overleaping its banks, and overflowing with joyousness. Now have you the means of acquiring glory, fame, and honor; make haste, Pinacium, exhort your feet to swiftness, grace your message by your deeds, and come to the rescue of your mistress in her need * * * * * * who is so wretched in awaiting the arrival of her husband, Epignomus; just as becomes her does she dote upon her husband, and anxiously long for him. Now, Pinacium, do as pleases you, run on, just as you like; take care and regard no person at the value of a straw; thrust them from the path with your elbows; make right smooth your way. If a, king shall come in your way, upset the king himself forthwith.
GELASIMUS
apart . Why, I wonder, is Pinacium running so overladen with baggage? He’s carrying a rod, and a basket, and a fish-hook.
PINACIUM
to himself . But yet, I think ’tis proper that my mistress should come with entreaty to me, and that she should send envoys to me, and gifts of gold, and chari
ots in which for me to be borne, for I can’t go on foot. Therefore I shall now go back. Turns back. I think it is only proper that I should be approached and addressed with entreaties. And do you really think that it’s mere nonsense or nothing at all that I am now acquainted with? Blessings so great am I carrying from the harbour, joys so extensive am I bringing, that hardly could my mistress herself presume to wish this of the Gods, if she were to know it. And am I to carry it, then, of my own accord? It pleases me not, nor do I think that the duty of a man. This way does it seem to be better suited to this news of mine; let her come to meet me, let her entreat me to communicate to her this news. Haughtiness and pride befit prosperous fortunes. But, at last, when I reconsider it, how could she know that I know this? Turning round. Well, I can’t do otherwise than return, than speak, than relate it at length, and relieve my mistress of her grief, and both mightily increase the good deeds of my ancestors, and present her with a comfort unhoped for and opportune. I’ll outdo the deeds of Talthybius, and I’ll set all messengers at nought, and at the same time I’ll think about the running at the Olympic games. But this distance is far too short for the course; how sorry for it I am. How’s this? I see the door’s closed. I’ll go and knock at the door. Knocks at the door of PHILUMENA’S house. Open, and make haste, cause the door to be thrown open; away with all delay. This matter is attended to too carelessly; see how long I’ve been standing here and knocking. Are you indulging yourselves with a nap? I’ll try whether the door or my arms and feet are the stronger. Knocks and kicks. I wish much that this door would run away from its master, that for that reason it might meet with a heavy punishment. I’m tired of knocking. Well, be this the last for you. Knocks again.
GELASIMUS
apart . I’ll go and accost him. Accosts PINACIUM. Good day to you.
PINACIUM
And good day to you.
GELASIMUS
Are you turned fisherman, then?
PINACIUM
How long is it since you ate?
GELASIMUS
Whence come you? What are you carrying? Why are you in a hurry?
PINACIUM
About that which is no business of yours, don’t you trouble yourself.